Orchestrated Lies

Happy LNY

2012-01-23T10:00:00.000-05:00

I hope the Giants win again! Not because I particularly care for them, but because I hate the Patriots with persistence. (Not even persistent passion the way I hate Duke - I often forget to hate them until someone reminds me they exist, but once I am reminded, grr those Patriots.)

Nishikori upset over Tsonga! I haven't managed yet to watch any of the Australian Open what with the time difference and my lack of cable TV, but I'm keeping up to date with scores and hoping to catch some matches once we get out of the rounds into the quarter/semi/finals. The women's side is a mess of surprises as usual, whereas the men's has kept fairly predictable. I think Nole, Rafa, and Feds have all swept through their rounds without dropping a set. No, wait, Nole dropped one to Hewitt in this last match. Oh god, the draw - if Rafa beats Berdych and Federer beats Del Potro tomorrow, they meet up in the semis and the winner is likely to face Nole. Nail-biting, always. Vamos Rafa, always.

In other sports news, Liverpool makes me cringe with despair, as ever, but you'll never walk alone, etc. etc. Team of my heart, stop making me bleed misery, please? Though this season is a marked improvement on last season, thank you!

UNC is holding fairly steady and I'm pretty happy there, aside from the FSU loss (let's not talk about it). Keep calm and carry on, Carolina! I visited campus on Saturday to see G, on exchange from NUS to UNC exactly a year after my exchange to NUS. She brought me kaya jam! Delight in my mouth - I had kaya toast for breakfast this morning and it's not the same as Ya Kun, of course, but it's the closest I'll get to Singapore in a long time. I can't believe it's been nearly four years since I graduated from UNC; it still looks the same in so many ways. It is the same in many ways. It's strange to see memory and reality overlapping, I guess.

Nothing more this time around: Happy Lunar New Year! It's the year of the dragon, which means...that I turn a quarter of a century old this year. Frightening prospect! Possibly the world will end also, which is always an option I'm up for. (Or perhaps only the internet will end, and that is close enough to the end of the world to be depressing.)

is it the beginning of the end where we stand?

2012-01-03T14:04:00.000-05:00

If ever I once knew, I've since forgotten what poetry is like. Sometimes the lines write themselves in my head but perpetually they refuse to crystalize into any form more tangible. They prefer the amorphous, uncaptured state that leaves me dreaming but ultimately unsatisfied.

It's 2012 and either the world will end, or we will be forced to keep on living. Is it so horrid a prospect? There is much to live for, I discovered last year, if I can see past the blinders of depression. The sun (so says Annie) will come out tomorrow.

Here is our brand new year full of brand new opportunities. It is much like last year, say the cynics. Nothing will change, except foolish optimists will once again find their views tempered by reality. You are yourself and you won't ever be anyone else - and that's true, isn't it? You can never be anything more or anything less than yourself. But perhaps we can change the borders with which we define ourselves.

My past few years have been emotional roller coasters, but predictable ones: I know I will go up; I know I will come down. The past couple months, on the other hand, have held strangely steady. I can't help but be afraid of the inevitable change, the other shoe dropping, because happiness is too lofty, too rarefied, a goal - I don't believe I can achieve it or, if I do, hold onto it. If I am happy now, it must be fleeting.

I suppose it is something like the poetry that floats through my head at times.

Yet I am tentatively hopeful that I can write again this year, that I will; I am tentatively hopeful I can live, and be happy, and that somehow the new year will in fact herald new beginnings. I will ultimately be always myself, but maybe this year, my self can find, reach, keep happiness.

It's not a terrible thing to wish.

It is a far better thing to make it so.

pining for shoes

2011-11-28T10:31:00.000-05:00

So tempted to buy shoes today. Or a Nook. See, Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals work because the sales are so great you feel like you're losing out if you don't take advantage of them, which causes you to spend money you might not have otherwise. Money you maybe don't have to spend at the moment...

I'll just debate with myself over these shoes all day. They would go with half my wardrobe. Those are some pretty versatile shoes for $50 + shipping, even if they are 4.5 inch heels.

spiced apple cider on my mind

2011-10-29T21:53:00.000-04:00

Today was freezing but gorgeous. Despite the cold, rainy morning, the sun came out in the afternoon and really highlighted all the gorgeous red leaves that came into being after this cold snap. Fall might be edging spring out as my favorite season.

Sometimes I miss Singapore terribly, but I have to admit that I'd miss fall - the weather, the fashion, the warm delicious food memories associated with it (pumpkin spice, hot cocoa, roasted nuts, apple cider). It wouldn't be the same in an equatorial environment.

In between the same old same old tedium that is job applications, I have found myself reading more, following more TV shows, and attempting to be wrangle this whole adult life in small increments. Stress stays with me and manifests itself in poor sleep and unfortunate dreams, but I try to balance it out with coffee, good food, and excellent friends. And, you know, all the other distractions that live on the internet.

I bought some brie, fig preserves, and crackers today. Bliss in my mouth. I hope M can manage a visit next weekend; I'd love to feed her and take her back to UNC, where we can revisit our misspent youth, reminisce about the good times, and bemoan how old we are. (I like to see her miserable, what can I say?)

I baked cookies today and plan for a sweet potato casserole on Monday. I don't mind a life driven by food plans; those are the best kinds. Just like everyone knows travel plans should always be made in accordance with food priorities.

As for Snowtober - everything is a sign of the imminent apocalypse to me, but particularly the unexpected weather pitfalls.

people and things

2011-10-09T20:59:00.000-04:00

Mark Salling is from Texas. And, unexpectedly, really into ornithology.

C was right: They do make 'em hotter in Texas. Tall, buff, and ridiculously appealing, or so goes the pattern of TV actors (whose shows I hate) I've crushed on.

In other news, I baked lemon bars last night and I am quite happy with them: they are tart and sweet and buttery. Never substitute margarine for butter when you bake; it's not worth the sacrifice of taste! In any case, if I'm stress baking sweets, we can assume I no longer have "healthy eating" as one of my top concerns.

Next up is raspberry thumbprint cookies, which require even more butter, and those amazing Pillsbury cookies that are seasonally-themed with little pictures on them. They are the plainest things, but they are unbelievably tasty. And easy. I am gaining weight just thinking about them, honestly. This is why I need to live around friends: so I can foist off baked goods on them and not eat everything on my own.

My plan for the night is to do something fun: catch up on last week's episode of Hawaii Five-0, read this Discworld book while plotting to acquire the newest (Snuff, out in 4 days!), or, you know, eat some lemon bars and look at pictures of Mark Salling being hot (all of them) while bemoaning to myself how much I really hate his show (a lot).

I hate my hair, and other metaphors

2011-10-07T19:03:00.000-04:00

"I hate my hair!" I told M.

"...why?"

"It's a metaphor for my life," I said, tongue-in-cheek. "And, well, also I have split ends and need a trim."

The thing is: my hair totally is a metaphor for my life. Let me explain.

It's getting long and straggly; I am getting old and fraying at the edges. Whatever style it used to have, it has grown out of and I have no idea what the hell it's doing now except growing longer; I have no idea what I'm doing with my life but am stumbling forward without a plan all the same because, well, objects in motions tend to stay in motion. My hair is like an object in motion. Metaphorically!

The red from the dye has long faded and is now a dirty, diseased brown color with roots growing out on top. There are three options: 1) let it grow out bi-colored; 2) re-dye the entire thing a color that doesn't make my skin look ridiculously sallow; or 3) re-dye the entire thing black so the roots can grow out in peace and secret.

The issues with options 2 and 3, however, mostly revolve around cost. Dyeing is not generally a cheap venture; even with Asian stylists who don't charge an arm and leg like salons do, it's upward of $60+. (And that was my great St. Louis deal! I miss you, David from Hong Kong. He gave me custom color jobs.)

The metaphor here: the little luxuries in life have to be put on the back-burner when one is jobless and only dreaming of a steady income. Don't spend what you don't have; hell, don't spend what you have, at least not on things you can afford to live without. It's practical, logical, reasonable - and it's depressing, isn't it?

I don't love a lot about my body but my hair came closest to being my vanity. I joked around in high school of doing shampoo commercials when I grew up. I had strong, healthy, shiny, soft hair. I could scrub shampoo through it and make orgasmic noises with the best of them! My future back-up plan was set.

It's superficial (so superficial, I know) but I look at my hair these days and say, only half-joking, "I hate my hair." I wouldn't go so far to say it's painful, but it's certainly disappointing.

I suppose I really mean, I am dissatisfied with something I used to take vain pride in and am frustrated that it was pointless and that there doesn't seem to be any way for me to fix that at the moment.

Like I said: I have split ends and I need a trim.

I remember you as you were in the last autumn

2011-10-02T10:58:00.001-04:00

Last night, I made beef stew from scratch! Well, in all honesty, it was more a hybrid between traditional (Western) beef stew (no tomatoes, though) and (Asian) beef noodle soup. Spicy and delicious! I am pleased, though I still think my mom's version is better. Must learn her secret...

Painted my nails yesterday, too, painstakingly attempting stripes - slow work and painfully difficult with tape. One day I will just acquire the proper tools - brushes and pens and whatnot. For now, I repainted them all blue in Zoya Yummy and they're kind of boring and not particularly autumn-themed, but they will suffice.

Also caught up with this season's HIMYM and H50, which continues to make me lol re: plot. Just--everything. /eyeroll People are still hot, though, so I'm good with watching. Needs more Kono and, oh god, fewer white people though. So many white guest stars, why. I do like the new governor though!

Had dinner Thursday with P & R up in Chapel Hill and that was nice; catching up with people in general is nice, even if as we slowly grow older it becomes less of a "daily contact" thing and more of a "once a month" thing.

Not too many updates on the job-hunting front, but I am seriously looking at apartments in DC now. So there's that. Terrifying in its way, but necessary, I think.

I like for you to be still - Pablo Neruda

2011-09-20T20:01:00.000-04:00

I like for you to be still: it is as though you were absent,
and you hear me from far away and my voice does not touch you.
It seems as hough your eyes had flown away
and it seems that a kiss had sealed your mouth.

Me gustas cuando callas porque estás como ausente,
y me oyes desde lejos, y mi voz no te toca.
Parece que los ojos se te hubieran volado
y parece que un beso te cerrara la boca.

As all things are filled with my soul
you emerge from the things, filled with my soul.
You are like my soul, a butterfly of dream,
and you are like the word Melancholy.

Como todas las cosas están llenas de mi alma
emerges de las coasas, llena del alma mía.
Mariposa de sueño, te pareces a mi alma,
y te pareces a la palabra melancolía.

I like for you to be still, and you seem far away.
It sounds as though you were lamenting, a butterfly cooing like a dove.
And you hear me from far away, and my vvoice does not reach you:
Let me come to be still in your silence.

Me gustas cuando callas y estás como distante.
Y estás como quejándote, mariposa en arrullo.
Y me oyes desde lejos, y mi voz no te alcanza:
Déjame que me calle con el silencia tuyo.

And let me talk to you with your silence
that is bright as a lamp, simple as a ring.
You are like the night, with its stillness and constellations.
Your silence is that of a star, as remote and candid.

Déjame que te hable también con tu silencio
claro como una lámpara, simple como un anillo.
Eres como la noche, callada y constelada.
Tu silencio es de estrella, tan lejano y sencillo.

I like for you to be still: it is as though you were absent,
distant and full of sorrow as though you had died.
One word then, one smile, is enough.
And I am happy, happy that it's not true.

Me gustas cuando callas poraue estás como ausente
Distante y dolorosa como si hubieras muerto.
Una palabra entonces, una sonrisa bastan.
Y estoy alegre, alegre de que no sea cierto.

september heralds books, scones, and tv shows

2011-09-05T21:12:00.000-04:00

I was sick but now I am mostly better! I still have to face the hard facts though: I am a terrible blogger. These days, I'm too easily distracted by everything. (Perhaps it is early onset Alzheimer's here, because mentally I'm 60 and preparing for my predicted death next year.) (What a terrible joke. Pterry, I'm sorry.)

Speaking of good Sir Pterry, a new Discworld book is due out this October! And it's a mystery-based Vimes book! I am particularly thrilled since I've been rereading Discworld and mysteries lately (Christie & Conan Doyle).

Other things I've done lately is bake! Orange-zested scones and banana nut bread on my own, and contributed to out-of-season zong zi and in-season moon cakes. There are pictures, but I am lazy.

Along with reading and baking, the watching of TV shows: I watched all of this summer's Top Chef Masters but have not yet gotten to Top Chef Desserts. I started watching the Korean variety show Running Man, which is hysterically funny. Strange, but addicting. Wiki gives a brief synopsis of it, but it sounds much weirder and more boring than the actual show is. Of course I started watching it after hearing the hype and because there were idols I was interested in guesting in a few episodes; from there on, though, you really start appreciating the main cast, too. So much!

It's a bit unsettling that it's the first September since, uh, I was five or six that I haven't been in school. Hearing about other people starting classes and returning to the uni schedule is really strange when I continue to sit at home. I wish I could say it felt freeing, but without a job, mostly it feels unanchored and terrifying. I am good with routine, don't you know? I like schedules and lists and things to do. I hate this uncertainty that is my future. I hate that it's another reminder that my RL is here and so far I am sucking at it. I have such big dreams of when I have a job and will be able to live in an apartment again - the cooking and cleaning and decorating I'd do!

...alas, reality intrudes. I'll try not to dwell on it too long though, and just focus on the job hunt. With some time in between for reading and baking and watching shows, of course.

adventures in job-hunting

2011-08-05T13:43:00.000-04:00

Job-hunting now, post-bar, so I may still not be around much, unless I am trying to escape from the depressing tedium to bemoan the fact that I still feel unqualified for everything.

(1) Jobs that require you to tell them your salary requirements. What. I don't know! However much you want to pay me so I can eke out a living? A million dollars a year? What is a reasonable request, how much does it affect whether they'll give you the job, oh god too much stress.

(2) I've forgotten how to write cover letters. D: It's essentially a talk up of all your skills and experiences to make you sound like the pinnacle of perfection that everyone is desperate to have! ...which sadly does not explain why you are currently jobless, huh. (No, really, I feel so artificial every time I have to embellish my accomplishments with grandiose prose. It's been beat into me to Be Humble. And, anyway, anyone with Asian parents in the U.S. probably grew up hearing about how Everyone Else's Kid Is So Much Better Than You.) So...how crass it to just write HIRE ME HIRE ME HIRE ME I'LL DO ANYTHING and then sign it?

(3) Do you think it makes a significant difference if I apply to DC jobs with a local address or an NC address? The government refuses to pay relocation costs flat-out, so I feel like they shouldn't discriminate based on location. /contemplates

(4) Senator jobs! Republicans offer to pay. Democrats apparently want you to subsist off the glory of serving alone. Now the question becomes: what morals are you not willing to compromise for the sake of ~~gold, gold, gold~~ an income?

(5) The only legal jobs in Singapore require 2+ years of prior experience. The only legal jobs in Hong Kong are for corporate/funds/banking lawyers. The only legal jobs in China are for Chinese attorneys fluent in Mandarin. There are no legal jobs in Taiwan. Well - fine! I didn't like you either! (Not that I could've honestly expected to get anywhere without guanxi.)

(6) Why doesn't your job site support Chrome?! /grumbles and breaks out the never-used Firefox

(7) There are people who advertise lawyer positions on Craigslist? Like, actual firms? I am seriously eyeing all of them with suspicion. Don't you, like, have a website for that? Or...approximately 100 different job websites?

(8) The eternal Catch-22 question of how do I get a job when every job requires experience and no job wants to hire me and give me some experience?

Sad story from post-bar: while I was in NY, there was an episode of Law and Order or a Lifetime movie or something on TV where a suspect gets questioned in a room by the investigating officers who arrested him. They then step out, mentioning something about the suspect's attorney. Mei's first thought: OH NO, THAT IS SO ILLEGAL, YOU CAN'T QUESTION A SUSPECT WITHOUT HIS COUNSEL PRESENT IF YOU KNOW HE HAS COUNSEL FOR THAT MATTER NOOO. Someone then tried to argue with me about how Miranda rights required explicit invocation now and that mere silence was not enough. I only gave him a Look and thought, layman, you don't think I know that? Because this is not a violation of his Miranda rights, this is a violation of NY's indelible right to counsel, guaranteed by NY's 6th Amendment, which offers even greater protection than the U.S. 5th Amendment. I know because I just took a two-day test on it..

And then I was promptly horrified by myself. Don't be one of those unbearably smug lawyer types, Mei!

Cheers, though. Everyone says the bar exam is the most law you'll ever know - I will now commence slowly (quickly?) forgetting everything!

welcome to your professional life

2011-07-28T16:36:00.000-04:00

Done with the bar exam for better or for worse - at least I don't have to think about it anymore. Flew in to NYC last night - good to see Aunt Joan and Keith, kind of awkward that his kids are in the house too. It's okay; we'll probably mutually ignore each other for the most part. I'm around today but out on Friday and Saturday, and around Sunday, so it shouldn't be too bad.

Pretty much exhausted and don't really feel like talking to people, sadly including my typical go-tos like V and S and L and whatnot. Talked with random bar takers at the test site and at the airport - we commiserated. It's a bonding experience! Talked a bit to M and TT and D, hopefully whom I will all see on Friday, and TC too. May be out late with them Friday, so may not come back to Flushing if I can make it happen somehow. Closer to NJ from Manhattan, right? :/

Ummm, no, I really have nothing more to say. Terribly unmotivated. Once I get home, I'll begin the job-hunting and AGA research; right now I just feel tired and like I'm still waiting for my life to wake up and start.

The family friends I stayed with in Buffalo had a daughter named Leila, not quite two yet, who is positively adorable. A complete sweetheart. I've forgotten how much I've missed young kids and spending time with them. She's half and really pretty. Keith and Joan have a dog, Dominio, and two cats, Hope and Love. Love is a kitten still - tiny. They're pretty sweet too and good-natured. Not prone to temper or hyperactiveness. It' a good change from home; I needed a break from the norm.

Hopefully the day out with people tomorrow is good, and the day out with S too. I've missed seeing people.

海浪

2011-07-10T21:17:00.000-04:00

I shudder when I look through archives of my old blogs and see the way I used to be so - young, I suppose, back in the day. Maybe I shouldn't blame myself for that, but it makes me wonder if I'll look back at how I am now in a few years and shudder still.

Apparently July is a tough month for me, generally speaking, over the years. This year, I'm worried my ~depression~ will interfere with my bar review - mostly in that it strips away the time I need to study with periods of listlessness/hopelessness/pointlessness. And other -esses.

Friendships always fuck me up more than any other type of relationship. Perhaps it is a sign I am not committed enough to those other relationships, or a sign that I am not yet ready for them. Somehow, I am not shocked. Sometimes (more often now) I wonder whether I even want that kind of relationship. What do I want? Ah, the essential question.

In happier news, I made garlic fried rice this morning and breakfast sausages. Cooking, like cleaning, makes me feel much more productive than studying ever will, since you reap the benefits of instant and visible results. Unfortunately, cooking and cleaning will probably not help me pass the bar...

with stable ground beneath your feet

2011-07-05T20:27:00.000-04:00

G left today and while I'm sad she had to go because we actually had a really good time together, I'm also a bit relieved because I got nothing done for the bar while she was here. It was a trade-off I was willing to make (happy to make!) but it means I have to handle more stress and tighter deadlines now. I have to make up my sleep deficit and study deficit. It will be okay though - I am not exactly looking forward to it, but I am fairly equable about it.

Google+ looks quite shiny and lovely and better than FB, but I admit I am inclined to like Google products. I don't have the time to play around on it now though, and I really question whether I need yet another social forum in which to draw circles and define levels of interaction. My compartmentalizing skills may be capable of bearing the burden, but it gets weary all the same. Another thought to put off until after the bar. Everything is getting put off until after the bar!

I really wish I had more time to read books (alas) or exercise (hah) or research for AGA. I feel bad that I am not doing more. After tomorrow's simulated MBE, I'll shoot A an email. I pretty much won't be good at staying in touch for the next 3 weeks though. 3 weeks, oh god.

pathetic

2011-07-05T07:53:00.000-04:00

You're like the fucking ex I never fucking had. The one who's ruined everything because I can't do anything without remembering how we used to hate this or like that or talk about whatever. Everything is tied up in memories of you that just piss me off because it's not fair that I have to reap the consequences of a break-up to a relationship that never actually existed. It's not fair you fucking forced that break-up, that you chose it. The best part is that none of this is probably affecting you because evidently it was an easy decision for you to just let me go. 你就这样放手了吗？有那么容易吗？我和你的关系就这样切了，是不是？You never made the first move as friends; obviously I can't expect you'll ever make the first move to apologize and reconcile, if you even are sorry, which at this point I highly doubt.

Well, congratulations. You have officially been the worst break-up and the only one the fuck me up this long afterwards, which is quite a feat considering we never dated.

操你妈，活该。

I fucking miss you. Do you care?

the logic that lies therein

2011-07-03T00:50:00.000-04:00

Beach was mostly fun - a little stressful, but trips that require balancing of time/interests/personalities of different people who are not so much mutual friends but mutual acquaintances through one friend tend to be, but overall good. Sunny, sunny, sunny, hot and busy. People everywhere being bad drivers and dudebros on the beach (latter was great beyond measure; the former, not so much). Seafood for lunch and dinner was delicious! Sparklers in the parking lot was classy but celebratory.

Fun times! Tomorrow is for resting in and being anguished while watching tennis, then following it with soothing videos of hilarious things, like Eddie Izzard skits and various things on YT and potentially some quality time with T-Hard and Cpine. G's visit has been great so far with a particular emphasis on cpop/jpop/90s boy band nostalgia and lol oh god our love for Jay Chou. ♥

time, could you give me more of yours?

2011-06-30T16:34:00.000-04:00

Sports:
Federer lost to Tsonga from two sets up! Murray, Nole, and Rafa into the semis at Wimbledon though. I'm sorry for all of the UK who have their hopes pinned on Murray but, dude, I will never pull for him to beat Rafa. At least I can root for Djokovic - knowing he will attain that World No. 1 spot either within a few days or a few weeks. Way to go, Nole. :) You've worked hard and you deserve it. (But my heart first to Rafa, simepre.) Good luck tomorrow!

Bar:
Wills is a mix of all right and terrible. It all makes me want to cry a bit though. Essay and practice MBE next week, and a long holiday weekend during which I will not have much time or heart to review or study. Oh I should though, I should.

Procrastination:
Finished at last my Agatha Christie novel and the first Chrestomanci Chronicles volume - the two books I've been working through very slowly in the past few weeks between bar review and other procrastination. I also have all these movies I have no attention span to watch - maybe I'll finally watch X-Men: First Class or Thor or something when G is here. I could get her to watch STXI with me. We'll see! She gets her tomorrow night and that should be fun. ♥

Oh dear god, it's the last day of June.

reading list

2011-06-26T20:51:00.000-04:00

Huh. I've inadvertently turned my FB wall into a political statement/bulletin board. I don't know if I ever wanted to be that person - but I don't start fights and pretty much the only people I'm friends with (I trim my FB friends list sporadically) and who visit my wall already agree with me anyway. So, oh well. No regrets.

In the interests of sharing, some articles I found tremendously interesting:

- Paper Tigers: What happens to all the Asian-American overachievers when the test-taking ends?
An older article (May 8) on the limitations of Asian-American "values" and upbringing, as well as the theoretical Bamboo Ceiling. A lot of really interesting points, though not all of which I agreed with. (And I definitely side-eyed the bit about "targeting" women in an effort to teach Asian guys how to have the cojones to hit on women. Um.)

- Why You Should Never Listen to Asian American "Writers" of Angst
A rebuttal/response to the above, presenting the view of an Asian-American who now embraces the self-same values and upbringing decried in the above article. Really, really interesting response, in my opinion! From my point of view, though, I agree with neither 100% and both sides come off a tad defensive of their own values and life circumstances, but that is not in itself a bad thing. It's not about picking a side, for me, but hearing different opinions. As D said, the best part of the article (and subsequent response) is the same as when Amy Chua's Tiger Mothers controversy blew up - it's the fact that Asian-American voices are being heard at all! We're not a uniform bloc of experiences or values or opinions and I think it's both necessary and pretty damn cool when we do (get to, choose to) speak up.

- My Life as an Undocumented Immigrant
A Pulitzer-winning author talks about his American dream as an illegal immigrant. Long but moving and, for me, enlightening. (Thanks for the link, L. ♥)

- Quick Hitters on Illegal Immigration
A response from the same blog as #2, this time to address a lot of misconceptions people have about illegal immigrants in the U.S. A bit tongue-in-cheek, definitely biased, but informative. Plus, he talks about law! It's like I'm studying, right?

PSA: this is a self-involved post

2011-06-22T20:03:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I wonder why people are in need of constant validation when we've been told clearly and plainly in the past that we are loved, appreciated, valued, by the same people we are seeking validation from now. It will always be the same words of Why You Matter and Things We Like About You, so why the need for new reassurances?

I realize it's because people are constantly changing, in a state of flux - I look at the past and think, I was a better person then, maybe, so those words of validation then mean nothing now (or not nothing, but feel less applicable) because I'm afraid I am no longer worthy of them. People are always changing - growing, hopefully, and learning - but it's funny to think that, in the end, our fears stay the same. In the end, the core beliefs and acts and personalities that make us fundamentally ourselves also stay the same, which is why the validations remain the same: you're loved, appreciated, valued for who you are.

I will never tire of telling my friends that, though I often end up afraid they are sick of telling me the same. The difference, perhaps, between being needed and being needy: I'd like to be the former but not the latter.

It's always surprising, too, though pleasantly so, to realize you've made an imprint on more people than you knew or expected. I say I try, mostly, just to be friendly, but it's different to realize that that's had a concrete impact.

I feel pretentious and narcissistic now: good note to end on, yes?

只怕那一天有你走了，我会怎么办？

2011-06-21T08:55:00.000-04:00

My grandfather passed away in China last night and it has been a while in coming. He was surrounded by most of his family.

我个人心情还算比较平静，只是有一点遗憾没有多认识爷爷奶奶。

可是，老爸，你还好吗？我该说些什么来安慰你呀？只要希望你知道依旧还有我们。

For the most part, I'm carrying on as usual.

Rest in peace, 爷爷。

what comes with growing older

2011-06-20T16:18:00.000-04:00

This morning, I had to tell my dad that his dad was dying.

My grandpa's been sick for a while - in fact, my dad just returned from China where he was visiting his parents and brothers - but now my grandpa's on his deathbed (I don't know if he's passed yet), and my cousin Skyped me to let me know. He asked that I let my dad know so he could call home. So I called my dad at work.

I was never close with my paternal grandparents, a product of having grown up in a different country and visiting far too infrequently. I feel bad that I never knew them better - but mostly I am upset because my dad is clearly upset (and I have rarely seen him upset this way), because it's his father, because it means one day I'll be in that position and it's terrifying.

My mom lost her father when I was 9, but I don't think I was old enough then to really understand.

hello, miranda

2011-06-17T11:00:00.000-04:00

I feel a bit behind in my bar studying - not significantly, but enough to be a little stressed. In reality, I'm probably doing better than a good portion of the other people studying for the bar by staying mostly (mostly) on schedule, but I keep feeling like I need dedicate even more time to it. I am so bad at commitment, even just to studying.

The CrimLaw/CrimPro lectures are much more enjoyable than the Contracts lecture, at least.

I've also been doing a lot of news-reading while in lecture, so. That's been good and bad. I have Opinions on the news - both the actual content and the trend of the media in selecting and presenting that news - but I should probably focus on the lecture and lecture notes at hand.

these defects in your lecture are not latent

2011-06-14T10:19:00.001-04:00

You must distinguish "acceptance of the goods" from "acceptance of offer". REALLY?! Because if you're discussing goods, then you already have a contract. That is why my (pause) framework (pause) or methodology (pause) is helpful. OH MY GOD.

OH MY GOD CTRL+SHIFT+G DOESN'T EVEN WORK ANYMORE, FML.

Before I tear my hair out in frustration. Professor K, at this point in my life, I miss you so fucking much.

後悔しない人生

2011-06-12T20:32:00.000-04:00

I can't seem to find an exclamation of surprise that doesn't involve curse words or what comes off as insincere triteness - oh dear, heavens, my word, it seems as though I have been playing deftly into the role of self-victimizing Eeyore of late. If "of late" translates into the last twenty years of my life or so.

It doesn't matter if I feel resentful at times, of friends not living up to my (high, oft-silent) expectations; it doesn't matter if I feel like I am no one's best friend, closest confidante. What matters is that I do love the friends I have and I want them in my life and that not being someone's "best friend" doesn't mean they don't want me in their life.

There are many kinds of maturity. I should start subscribing to the kind that demands manifestation through action.

I don't subscribe to tenets of Taoism - it's too anti-intellectualism, for one - but it lays some good foundations. I should stop fighting the flow of the world. I should stop tearing myself up over it. I should stop acting like I'm owed anything beyond what comes to me. If I can't be optimistic, I should at least cease being so willfully pessimistic, and try for peace. Yes, zen is a concept associated more with Buddhism, but I'm not seeking anything beyond what this life offers.

I told my mom once, "生命只有这一个". We only have this one life. She corrected it to "生命只有这一次". We only live this one time. The distinction is, perhaps, subtle. My view saw life as a whole entity, a gift, to be used and not be wasted. Her view saw it was a journey and an experience not to be wasted. To squander it would be a tragedy to yourself in either case, but maybe the question is whether you are living the way you do because you feel obliged (not to waste your life) or because you find it freeing (to live and to learn).

人生无悔。Life without regret. Maybe it doesn't mean you need to do more (spontaneous road trips, dinner parties, love recklessly) or do less (stupid things, drama, having feelings). Maybe it means you just need to stop regretting the things that happen in your life, both good and bad. Maybe, and yes it's trite, they all do happen for a reason - that is, as the composition of what makes your life yours, and unique, and an experience.

生命只有这一次。

Hm. I feel like there's a bit of a disconnect from the beginning of the post to the end. I think I talked myself around from "be less stupid" to "hey, stupidity happens in life, it's okay". There's no harm in trying for both, right?

greatest common factor

2011-06-12T00:35:00.000-04:00

Took the day off bar studying and that was - all right. I had a good time at A's Clue party in the evening, but looking back, I think I wish I would've studied. Can you parse that sentence? In any case, there's nothing I can do now - sleep and bar study all day tomorrow, I suppose, though I may need to make a pit stop at the library.

I have a lot of feelings right now and most of them are unpleasant, so I don't think I'll record them here for posterity, because there's venting in private and then there's being hurtfully passive-aggressive in a blog post. One thing I can say, I think, is that I am pretty pissed at people who are willing to sacrifice their friendships for their relationships. I don't mean that you should be placing either one higher on the hierarchy or that sacrifices don't need to made - I understand that things change and it's not a competition. But when you are displacing your friendships entirely, purposefully or not, for your relationship, I think that's bullshit. I don't think I've done that in the past - but then again, maybe there's a reason I'm no longer in those relationships. Maybe I have been doing it wrong all along, for not being more willing to commit more to those relationships. If it turns out that you really do have to sacrifice your friendships for your relationship-- I can't even finish that hypo, it's clearly so wrong.

I suppose if our friendship was so weak as to be so easily and carelessly sacrificed, there wasn't much to it in the first place. Or you just didn't care as much as I did. Either way, I'm sorry.

I'm hurt and I'm angry, and I'm sorry.

I'm not targeting anyone or singling anyone out because the best part is that friends trading me in for their relationships has happened in more than one situation so... They say when you're the greatest common factor in all your failed relationships, the problem is probably with you. Yo.

So it's not you, it's me. That means I get to make a whiny blog post about it, right?

sound of distress

2011-06-08T21:43:00.000-04:00

Oh bar studying. D: So much D:.

Oh MPT, why. Why. I can't remember the last time I wrote a memo, persuasive or otherwise - even for moot court I was writing briefs and at least I had more than 90 minutes to do so.

The MPT "measures fundamental lawyering skills, namely: legal analysis and reasoning, fact analysis, fact gathering, problem solving, and recognizing and resolving ethical dilemmas".

Whoever said I had these skills lied. Wait, would that be me? No wonder I wouldn't recognize an ethical dilemma if it walked up and offered to buy me a drink.

D:

I could use a drink, though.

with an arm-flap of celebration

2011-06-05T07:16:00.001-04:00

Watched USA v. Spain yesterday with J: Let's just say, USA, that your defense was so terrible (read: nonexistent) that even Torres managed to score. That's like a whole new level of failure. Granted, his hair was terrible, so it only made sense that some of his scoring ability has returned.

It was kind of embarrassing for the US, wasn't it? To put it mildly. To be fair, Spain = world champions and the US was missing some top key players (read: Donovan), alongside starting none of their WC squad and using terrified and inexperienced high schoolers instead. Or maybe that's just what it looked like.

Spain's away kits were indeed quite sharp (thanks, commentators, for your "oh god no actual football is being played, what can we talk about aside from the weather and the Barcelona-Madrid rivalry that is surely, surely rending apart the Spanish National Team with dissent from within" commentary) and oh Pepe Villa Silva Sergio Pique Iniesta Busquets Xabiiii Iker-- ♥

Nando, Nando, Nando. What will I do with you? I suppose I will love you in reality but troll your ass because it's fun. Jerk. You've ruined my favorite Liverpool song.

Oh and so much happiness for Li Na being the first Asian woman (and Asian-born-in-Asia) to win a Grand Slam singles title at the French Open today. :D Awesome. Now, however - vamos Rafa!

hello, sweet june

2011-06-02T12:57:00.000-04:00

The good news is that I'm pretty much sticking to my summer schedule. The bad news is that since my schedule pretty much consists of "eat, drive, class, study, drive, eat, study, sleep", it's not like I'm doing much. As class intensity has picked up this week, I've lost most of my time for cooking and reading for fun, to say nothing of exercise, which is always more of a theoretical concept for me. I exercise my mind!

For instance, sometimes lecture is so boring/slow/covering things I already know, I end up copying Chinese lyrics by hand into my notebook in an effort to improve my writing abilities. Today, I also made a list of Chinese songs I can actually sing during karaoke - all of which are almost entirely due to SJM covers. See? SJM totally furthers my education.

What is writing? What is socializing? We'll see if I can have at least one day per weekend to indulge in some of these rumored leisure activities.

For instance, this weekend: French Open final Saturday morning, USA v Spain friendly Saturday afternoon, and at least one of these two will be watched in J's company, hopefully.

I need to find the time to do actual research for AGA too. More hours in a day, I need them. Public library, for god's sake, have longer weekend hours.

Man, I hate long commutes. Rush hour traffic can please go fuck itself.

on getting older but not old enough

2011-05-28T21:17:00.000-04:00

Nothing particularly significant today, but my mood is really terrible regardless. I am feeling particularly surly and uncharitable with nothing specific to pin it on - perhaps it's the cumulation of small things.

I think I'm old at times. Especially lately, with people graduating undergrad and making all these posts about how it's the end of an era, how they'll never again have these easy times with friends, drunken jokes, late nights, a certain kind of freedom from any real-world responsibilities, and so on. It's familiar, the kind of thing college graduates have been saying for probably centuries (or at least decades, if we're allowing for the evolution of popular undergrad experiences to what it is today). Yet these posts make me feel my age, because these are people I consider my equals, close to me in age, but I forget that they are younger. Most of the time it doesn't matter, until posts like these make me realize I left undergrad three years ago. Not this year or last year, but three years ago. It's not such a huge amount of time but it drives home, nonetheless, that a certain sect of my friends are all younger than me - some of them significantly younger than me. Why am I not as close with the friends who are older? It's probably because I'm still incredibly immature inside. Not to say that anyone younger in years is automatically more immature, but that I still feel incredibly young, inexperienced, irresponsible, and immature remains true.

My parents are getting old. Not just older, but old. The meds they have to take, their health worries... The way they are surprised by their own ages each year, the way they are tired, the way my mom hates it a little bit - all of it makes me ashamed that I can't be more grown-up, more adult, more capable of taking care of myself and taking care of them.

People both older and younger tell me I'm still young. What am I supposed to say? In some ways, it's not true. Twenty-four this year is not that young. In some ways, it is. There's still a lot of my life left (presumably). I still have so far to go.

*

I just got back from a walk with my mom; we had a good discussion (read: heated argument that resolved into a good discussion) about Asians in America, first generation of immigrants versus their Westernized (but still Asian-influenced) children, political representation, minority status, speaking out, working hard, changing the world... I used to be afraid I would be like my parents when I grew up. Then I was afraid I wouldn't be, that I wouldn't be Asian enough. Now, I think I am more at peace with the fact that I will be different in some ways (ways that I am grateful for), many ways, perhaps - but that doesn't mean I will ever forget where my roots are.

My Asian-American identity is one I am wrestling with better than my age. We fight a lot of battles with ourselves, don't we?

the consequences of a sporadic attention span

2011-05-27T09:24:00.000-04:00

Things I am apparently not very good at include regularly maintaining updates on my blog, particularly when I don't have as much structure in my life (see: the past semester in Singapore, though I am in no way complaining). Since I have graduated law school (fervent relief) and have started BarBri bar review for the NY bar while at home in NC, it is hard to deny that there is certainly structure in my life now, what with daily classes and assignments. Honestly, this is more structure than I've ever had in law school, since back then my schedule was staggered and differed from day to day. That's not so much the case now...

Anyway, here's to trying (yet again) at keeping up this blog, at least for a period. I make no promises past the immediate future - evidently I am a very short-term planner. It's a weakness. The big picture overwhelms me, depresses me, makes me shrug and think fatalistically, "Why bother?" Maybe I think too big sometimes.

Memorial Day weekend begins after class today! It heralds nothing terribly exciting for me: studying, actually, and the possibility of seeing some friends, if all things work out. Chapel Hill, you are so close and yet you seem irretrievably distant...

In news, my dad's leaving for China for three weeks this Monday and my brother's practically living at Animazement this weekend, the geek. I've been cooking this past week (after a semester of having touched virtually nothing insomuch resembling a kitchen), I read two new books (albeit ones that didn't require a high level of mental engagement), I've engaged with AGA (All Girls Allowed) to do legal research on political asylum over the summer, and have been slowly edging out of the antisocial mindset I've been ensconced in for the past two or three weeks. It's slow progress, but progress, right? Sorry, I have not meant to ignore or neglect anyone. You'll see me around.

i'm probably the only one who remembers anyway

2011-04-12T13:35:00.000-04:00

I wish it'd ended November 2006. 我不值得我的未来。

when writing an essay

2011-03-30T22:37:00.000-04:00

You know what's a great word? "Assay".

as·say
–verb (used with object)
1. to examine or analyze
2. to judge the quality of; assess; evaluate
3. to try or test; put to trial

Dear Singapore,

2011-03-25T07:54:00.001-04:00

It's hit that time of year where every day breaks 90F/33C and, with no A/C in my dorm, I basically want to kill myself.

Tomorrow, I shall remove myself to a study area to write my paper in hopes of not spending the entire day uncomfortable and tired and wanting a nap.

Also, please rain.

Love,
Mei

P.S. It would be great if it could get cool enough that I could wander down around campus to get some porridge without wanting to die. Thanks!

domestic adventures

2011-03-21T05:42:00.001-04:00

Saturday was B's birthday, so we went out with some of his non-law friends to drink and celebrate. Blue Jazz was unfortunately (though probably not surprisingly) packed, so we ended up at Brewerkz in Clark Quay. Decent food, good drinks (x-rated sex on the beach! ...thusly rated because it is made from x-rated fusion vodka), and strange but entertaining conversations. A good time overall. Life is better spent not entirely sober, I feel.

Sunday, I met up with G for a delicious lunch. It's actually been a long time since I've had good, freshly-made Chinese stir-fry, because so often I just grab some fast noodles or pre-made 2 veg + 1 meat to eat in the interests of saving time. We had 笋尖肉丝 (bamboo and shredded pork) and 酸辣白菜 (hot & sour stir-fried cabbage) and it was so, so good with a bowl of white rice. I love Chinese food, okay? It is in my roots and in my heritage and in my blood. Also, rice. According to G, Thailand pledged some thousands of pounds of rice to help Japan. Now that is the generous Asian spirit, ha.

I did my presentation for Law & Development in China today - a brief powerpoint talk about my paper topic. It went... Well, let's say that while I don't necessarily have a great fear of public speaking, I am not necessarily good at either. I tend to talk on the fast side anyway, but when I am standing in front of people, I also tend to lose my train of thought, so occasionally there are periods where I have an almost out-of-body experience where I sort of look askance at myself internally and wonder what are those words coming out of my mouth...? It's like a different part of my brain is controlling the sounds I make, disconnected from the part of my brain that does the thinking. Additionally, my active versus passive vocabulary has always been a source of distress. It all leads to inadvertent but interesting faces while I talk, because I am WTF-ing at myself. Ah, rehearsing, this is why they recommend it.

Anyway, it was fine, it is over, and now I hope to be able to focus on writing my paper and getting it done and out of the way. I have many other papers awaiting me... Clearly I anticipate them with much joy, yes?

I am also writing again, for all the good and the bad that it entails. It certainly involves a lot of feelings, that's for sure.

Just browsed one of my usual food blogs and am craving a reuben in ways I can't even put into words. That will have to be one of the items on my to do list when I stop over back in STL in May.

pick yourself up and push yourself forward

2011-03-18T08:27:00.000-04:00

I've been feeling like the crap the past few days. Part of it is not sleeping well, which I'm sure contributes to the decline in emotional stability. I'm surviving for the most part; the last thing I want to do is lay the same-old same-old whining on my friends, who've all heard it dozens of times before. Really, one of the worst things I do when I'm feeling bad is allowing myself to wallow. So I am trying to pick myself up and make some productivity happen regardless of how I feel, and that accomplishing of things will eventually lead to a pick up in mood anyway.

Of course the other thing I'm dealing with are the joys of procrastination. What an accurate depiction! Yet so tragic.

For better or worse, I will have to force myself to get some research done this weekend, since I have to put together my powerpoint presentation for class on Monday. For better, actually. Let's get to work on this paper and get it out of the way sooner.

A bit of sociality will also help improve my mood, I think. I managed to Skype with my 宝贝 T today in the best kind of phone-call way, where you say nothing of importance to each other and just enjoy each other's presence for an hour or so. Tomorrow, hopefully something with B and A to celebrate B's birthday. They are cool people. Some of my favorite to hang out with among the law crew; the rest of my time goes to myself and my local friends. It's a nice balance, hopefully. Dinner with family friends J's parents tonight - delicious black pepper crab and salted duck egg crab. Food, you are my favorite, even when you are messy and I've forgotten to take pictures. Hopefully meeting up with F and G and S and S at some point... Well. I'll be around Singapore for the next month. We can make things happen so I can stop being so homesick.

It's not that I miss STL so much that I miss my friends there and the ability to do certain things I can't do so much here: drive and cook, for example.

At least one good thing came out of feeling like crap: I always turn to new music when I feel bad. So now I have more Chinese music. Hurrah, Fan Wei Qi. My style of easy-listening c-pop.

just keep your head above

2011-03-16T10:03:00.000-04:00

You gotta swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music that saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive
You gotta swim
And swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far to fall off the earth

The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets they fired at me from a gun
A crack in the armor
I swim for brighter days
Despite the absense of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I swim

You've gotta swim
Through nights that wont end
Swim for your families
Your lovers
Your sisters and brothers
And friends
You've gotta swim
Through wars without cause
Swim for the lost politicians
Who don't see their greed as a flaw

The currents will pull us
Away from our love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets they fired at me from a gun
A crack in the armor
I swim for brighter days
Despite of the absense of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There's no shame in drifting
Feel the tide shifting
And wait for the spark
You've gotta swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just find the horizon
I promise you it's not as far as you think

The currents will drag us
Away from our love
Just keep your head above
Just keep your head above
Swim
Just keep your head above
Swim, swim
Just keep your head above
Swim

for all my complaints, the good remains true

2011-03-14T03:26:00.000-04:00

In summary, translated from tired chatspeak:

VS: Is your semester abroad as good as you thought it'd be?
Me: Yes. I love it. I'm not loving my lack of future/direction/purpose in life, but that would've been the same even in St. Louis. I would rather have these existential crises here, where I get to fill in the extra time and space with awesome experiences.
VS: Could you work in Singapore?
Me: It is definitely something I am looking into.

this brief sojourn through the philippines

2011-03-13T00:46:00.000-05:00

Philippines, March 9 -13:

Thursday, 3/10
The moon is a Cheshire cat's grin in the sky tonight, bright against the black sky. The stars - well, they exist. Frankly, sometimes I forget, having grown too accustomed to city-living and nightlights. It has been a long time since I've seen so many stars, so bright.

Tonight, D and I are in Coron, Palawan, one of the many islands of the Philippines. It is a mountainous beach town, limestone mountains right up agains the ocean. It reminds me a lot of Nha Trang, actually, but less commercial and packed with tourists. Here, it is still rural countryside, quiet that is broken only by a cacophony of barking dogs and crowing roosters. (Here, the roosters alert you to whatever hour they please. On a side note, cock fighting remains legal in the Philippines, according to D.)

We've come far from the chaos of Manila. When I arrived at Clark Airport yesterday and took an hour and a half bus ride down into Manila, the guy sitting next to me and I made friends and held a number of interesting conversations about Asia, America, culture, internationalism, and a number of other things. One thing I mentioned was that all Asian countryside (through which we were passing at the time) look a little bit the same, and all Asian cities look a little bit the same as well. Manila reminded me a lot of Ho Chi Minh City with its packed streets and endless honking, the people milling carelessly through the jammed cars and motorbikes to cross where they could, like water stubbornly finding its way around a barrier of rocks. The tricycles (motocycles with a side-attached carrier seat) reminded me of the tuktuks in Cambodia (motorcycles with the carrier seat attached behind). But Manila definitely has a personality of its own: loud, poor, busy, struggling, thriving, shopping. Manila is composed of shopping malls everywhere you look, boasting the third and fourth largest malls in the world (behind the largest in Edmonton, Canada and the second-largest in Minnesota, I think).

I met M at Megamall yesterday and we chatted, had dinner, then met up with D, who took me to a friend's house to crash together for the night.

There are street boys on every busy corner, hailing taxis for anyone looking for them for a few pesos - as much as they can get. There are children everywhere, said D, because of the war the Catholic Church (so influential in a country that is overwhelmingly Catholic) wages against the reproductive health system. Condoms? For shame. It was fascinating to see how many people were actively Catholic yesterday, as it was Ash Wednesday and so many people passed by wearing ash crosses on their forehead. And so many more, without their crosses, still consider themselves Catholic. It was, to me, a sort of comparative exercise to Cambodia, where the people were overwhelmingly Buddhist with some Hindu influences. In so many ways we are the same, but in so many ways we are different.

Manila's public transit is a nightmare. The roads are jam-packed at all hours of the day, as are the trains. I have never retrospectively appreciated Singapore's MRTs as much; I will never again compare you to Seoul's and find you lacking! But we survived the MRTs, the trikes, the jeeps, the buses, the cabs (I've basically been on all forms of public transit in the Philippines within the first 24 hours), and made it to the airport to catch a short 40-minute flight to Coron.

We arrived around 1pm, checked in to our hotel, got lunch (chicken adobo, of course I will have pictures ltaer), and started on our city tour. We saw the harbor, the city center, and the cashew harvest factory - cashews are a major export here, a wealth that grows on trees. Plus, they are delicious. We trekked Mount Tapyas, which was really just a 726 step stair climb (or exercise in effusive sweating), and then, after we took a gazillion pictures to prove our success, made it back down to head to the hot springs. Natural salt-water hot springs surroundedby a mangrove forest - it was amazing to soak there after that mountain stair climb.

We soaked, we came back, we showered, we got dinner. We hit up a close-by Western bistro in our exhaustion which can be summed up thus:

1. 50 peso rum and coke - that is approximately $1. Did I get some? You bet I did.

2. SURPRISE MUSHROOOMS IN MY SPAGHETTI MEAT SAUCE. WORST SURPRISE EVER. :(((

Friday, 3/11
I have spent my time in the Philippines doing two things in particular: climbing up a lot of stairs and snorkeling.

Oh, and surviving death!

Well, this is only partly a joke in reference to the tsunami that was supposed to hit the Philippines, but it is morbid and in bad taste, so really it is not entirely a joke. We were lucky to be on the opposite side of the Philippines from where the tsuanami was supposed to hit, so despite being out on the water (in the water) all day, we saw nothing out of the ordinary and are totally safe and sound. D's boyfriend freaked out at her via text a bit, and I had a few people check in with me over email and FB, but all is well.

The other bit of death-defying mostly entailed almost but not quite drowning a few times while snorkeling today. Honestly, we spent more time in the water that out of it and it was for the most part a lot of fun. Every other time I've gone snorkeling, they've given us life jackets or life savers, but I suppose they are not mandatory...as we were not given them today. We survived, though!

In the morning we started our island-hopping tour with a tiny private boat - it was just the two of us, our tour guide, our boat captain and his (I guess) first mate.

It was like the Vietnam island-hopping trip except with much fewere people and with much more time in the water. I felt like I'd been brined, honestly.

We hit the Twin Lagoons first, which are connected with a tiny hole you swim under, only accessible during low tide.

There was a lot of beautiful coral and fish there and it was very quiet. Later we hit a different island, had a delicious spread for lunch (grouper fish, eggplant salsa, grilled pork chops, steamed crab), and lazed around a bit recovering. Afterwards we snorkeled some more, except this time we hit open water, and discovered the difficulties of snorkeling against a current determined to push you away from wherever you're going. For instance, your boat.

A third snorkeling site to see Skeleton Wreck, which was a Japanese ship that had been sunk during WWII; it was covered in coral and barnacles and seaweed. I really wish we had had an underwater camera...

A fourth snorkeling site, and then we turned to another island to make a steep hike up a mountain. This is the view from the top.

We went back down the other side of the mountain and found a lake! 80% freshwater Not so much to look at underwater here except rocks, though there were also shrimp wandering around and that nibbled at my feet and arms when I sat still long enough. A strange tickling sensation. It was cool seeing wild shrimp though (for lack of a better term); I thought of those paintings by Qi Shi and felt at once so cultured and so Chinese. It was a weird moment.

We hiked back up and down the mountain to return to our boat, then spent the last hour of our trip lazing at a tiny beach while D texted with her boyfriend to reassure him that, no, we were not about to be killed by tsunami, seriously. Our tour guide and boat captain were unfazed throughout the whole ordeal in any case. What a catastrophe in Japan though, that earthquake. I hope rescue and recovery go well and that people stay as safe as possible.

Back to the hotel for showers and dinner. We ate at a bamboo grill and had pork sisig, which is chopped up bits of pork face, pork snout, and pork brains! It was actually delicious.

Saturday, 3/12
No big news today and no pics to accompany. D and I crashed hard at 10 last night and woke up around 8 - a beautiful ten hours of sleep. We had breakfast at our hostel and then wandered into town for some coffee. Mmm, cafe mocha. We wandered back to our hostel to pack and check out and hit the airport around 11, since it requires about a forty-five minute drive. However, once we arrived at the airport, we discovered our 2 o'clock flight had been pushed back to 4, because the first flight was delayed and the airline/airport was so tiny that it only had one plane. So we sat and we waited and ate some cookies for lunch.

The flight was super quick - forty minutes and we were back to Manila. Essentially it went up, cruised for approximately fifteen minutes, and went back down. By this time we were starving for an early dinner, so we headed to a Japanese restaurant that D and her boyfriend frequent, and met up with her boyfriend M there. Food? Delicious. I love maki rolls, okay. I don't think I've had sushi since coming abroad, actually. I will have pics of our delicious foods later up on FB. Also miso soup, mm.

So the story of my Saturday night was a long bus ride from Megamall to Clark Airport around 9pm, meaning I arrived at the airport before midnight, when my flight leaves at 7:40am... (The morning bus doesn't leave until 7, and since it takes approximately two hours to get to the airport, I cannot take that one.)

Little are my life complaints though, after seeing the news this morning doing its full report of the impact of the earthquake tsunami (and resulting nuclear power plant issues) in Japan.

Sunday, 3/13
I am back in Singapore and I really don't want to talk about it. Let me shower and pass out, please and thank you.

Thank you D for making my Philippines trip as lovely as it was. ♥

这感觉我不知怎麼形容

2011-03-08T19:39:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I had a really good Skype session with J. We talked about everything and nothing and it was a lot like our conversations back when we hung out in person. It was also just really nice to catch up with him and see how easily we slide back into our friendship. He is a lost cause for initiating contact ever and is horrible at staying in touch with people; it used to bother me but now I think I'm resigned to it and am willing to make that first (second, third) nudge because at least I know he'll always be willing, so long as I make that first step.

This also reminds me that I need to make more of an effort with my other friends though. Ahh, let me email or FB or something! I miss them too.

Last night, had dinner out with L & her new fiancé T, plus A and a bunch of L's other friends. We went for dim sum at Din Tai Fung, basement of Paragon on Orchard. Pretty delicious food, an overall really fun time. Ah, I don't always mind being social, you see!

Today, I'm off to the Philippines and the welcoming arms of M and D! What lies I have told you: the Vietnam/Cambodia travel write-up will clearly not be happening before I go.

the art of day to day living

2011-03-06T22:44:00.001-05:00

Friday, I had dinner out with P & her boyfriend and I love them :> They are so sweet and lots of fun and dinner was delicious! We had chwee kueh (yum) and bah ku teh (I am probably misspelling this) which are, respectively, Singaporean style water dumplings (not dumplings at all) and pork rib tea soup. Soooo good. Then we wandered around Jurong Point a bit, which is this gigantic ass mall full of food and shops and energy and each store blasting pop music (whether American or Chinese or Korean).

This weekend I have been recovering from my cold and am more or less better except for this infernal cough. That's been fun! And by fun I mean I finally gave in and bought some fucking medicine - it is the Singaporean equivalent of Theraflu, I guess. Lemon-flavored powdered medicine to which I add hot water and then drink. So that helped a lot with the decongestion and throat pain, but the cough remains. =__=; Ah well, there is only so much I can do, I guess, other than wait it out. I'm still inhaling water and tea at alarming rates.

I will get my shit together for the Philippines! This will require a bank trip at some point, potentially. Oh god, and packing, I should do that before i leave, yeah? Leaving Wednesday though, so I have some time to start making my lists (lists! my lifesavers!).

Lately, it has been so sticky muggy hot that I kind of want to claw my skin off. My ideal temperature range is from 15 - 23 C (57 - 74 F or thereabouts), so this is not a happy Mei. Having a cold in the summer is the worst and in Singapore it is summer all the fucking time, ergo having a cold in Singapore is the worst. Intolerable. I'll go check on the Philippines' weather now.

GOOD SPORTS NEWS: Carolina beat Duke 81-67 for the ACC regular season championship. ♥ We have come so far this season; it is so lovely. Let's go Heels for March Madness. :) Though to be honest I'm not sure how well I'll be able to keep up here in Singapore. In other fabulous sports news, Liverpool routed Man Utd 3-1 at Anfield yesterday with a Kuyt hat trick. Mmm, lovely. Biggest rivalries and some big wins.

能不能给我一分钟安安静静跟你沟通

2011-03-01T07:29:00.000-05:00

My chronicles of the trip through Vietnam and Cambodia are, in short form, chronicled via photos over on Facebook, part one and part two, for those of you who have access. For those that don't, erm, I am in the middle of uploading the pictures to a public gallery on Picasa and will share that later (sans commentary, unfortunately). Later this week I will attempt to write up a more detailed account of the trip, particularly all the thought-provoking bits and maybe some of the funner bits, if I can dredge up some humor from the midst of my exhaustion.

I am leaving for the Philippines next Wednesday, so I need to get the details sorted out. Mostly I need to figure out how to get from the airport into the city proper and then how to meet up with M and D. After the harrows of that first arrival, I should be fine because I'll be with D and traveling. I confess to being somewhat anxious about this trip because (1) traveling alone, (2) the Philippines are, hmm, not exactly the safest place right now, (3) language barrier potentially, and (4) lack of communicative device with either Mel or Danii. I suppose I can always just use my Singaporean phone because better to rack up some international text charges than be lost forever, right?

I'm a little bit sick - sore throat and a light cough. I expected it, to be honest, since I didn't sleep well for most of the trip, traveling in general is exhausting, and both A and L were getting sick by the end of the trip. I might have pulled through if not for the all-nighter with the papers. So tonight I plan on going to sleep in approximately an hour or so and hopefully I won't get worse than this and will be all better soon.

Plans to meet up with S tomorrow, P on Friday, and G this weekend. Potentially also doing lunch with L and A this week, so that is nice. ♥

这站就是我的家

2011-02-27T07:28:00.000-05:00

From Vietnam, we have made it safely back to Singapore. In the vein of my fabulous life decisions, I am now left facing an all-nighter in which I must sit at my laptop and string together enough words in vaguely coherent sentences to suffice two essays. We'll see how it goes. I aim to pass, not to win the top grade (hah). My standards have been lowered significantly this semester, I feel, it being both my last semester and a pass/fail semester abroad. I am here for food and travels; school is just the pesky thing in between trips and eating. How annoying.

I had a lot of fun on the trip and we managed to cram a lot into nine days - I will definitely do a write-up of it and some of its highlights. Not until after I manage to get through this night and tomorrow, though. After tomorrow I will post pictures and do write-ups and maybe even dare to catch up on sleep or SJM.

Ahhh okay, off to work I go. So much laundry to do, but even that must be put off until after I make it through tomorrow and these essays. Thank god I have clean clothes to change into though. The little things you didn't know to appreciate until over a week of being dusty and travel weary.

Onward ho. Hope y'all have been well. ♥

a day at angkor wat

2011-02-25T05:17:00.000-05:00

Angkor Wat is gorgeous, impressive, and exhausting to trek through. It is also ridiculously hot and dusty, oh my god. I have lots of pictures though! I will probably be spending my time online trying to write fic and essays instead of uploading them though - at least until I get back. They may be delayed a little bit too then, who knows.

Of note:

- so many Japanese and Korean tourists here! Chinese too. I keep hearing people talk in these various languages I know to varying degrees and it's kind of entertaining - today at Angkor, I listened to the explanation/story of Ramayana in both English and Chinese and was satisfied to discover that they matched up.

- being pale remains a positive/wanted quality in Asian girls by Asian boys, according to some Cambodian boy who chatted me up a bit while I was waiting for the others to get water. "I want a Chinese or Korean or Japanese girlfriend," he said, and I said, "What about a nice Cambodian girl?" But he likes the pretty white skin, he said. So that was, hm, awkward, informative, enlightening, and offensive all at once, I guess. Maybe flattering? Except, dude, I am so brown from the sun, so brown. SUN, WHY MUST YOU BE LIKE THIS.

- must acquire a map before I can write up my travels because I am awful at the names of all these places! We saw Angkor Thom today, so Bayon, Baphoun, and a few other temples, then Angkor Wat. Lots of pictures, as I said.

In other news, seriously I am going to be so fucking broke. I swear my parente budgeted me just enough to pay for housing and eat cheap meals twice a day. Traveling is expensive! Living comfortably and not like I'm on rations in Singapore takes a bit of money too! I'm sorry parents, there will need to be more money borrowed. What's another thousand? /sigh I know SS3 ate up a lot of my money - but that was money I spent mostly before I even got to Singapore... My budget, I am staring at it and I will make it work.

I will go get some juice now and then kill some time until we leave for our dinner/apsara dancing show. o/

these days of our past

2011-02-23T09:45:00.000-05:00

Out of Vietnam and into Cambodia today! Vietnam was relaxing and fun, with a touch of sobering on the last day, when we visited the War Remnants Museum. It was also incredibly thought-provoking, though, to see such a blatant propaganda slant on the presentation of a part of a country's history. It impressed upon me more than ever, as did today's journey through Cambodia's Killing Fields and Toul Sleng Genocide Museum (dealing with the horrors of the Khmer Rouge regime), that history is written by the victors.

I have many thoughts, really I do, but they need to be sorted out a bit first. Ruminated upon and such.

For now, a few comments on the days in Vietnam:

Nha Trang, Vietnam was beachy and gorgeous and so relaxing. With some snorkeling and a party boat with a floating bar too - that was fun. It was quintessential relaxing spring break, which was a nice way to segue into the break, since after that we hit the more sobering parts of the trip.

We returned to Saigon on an overnight sleeper bus (12 hours) and we had adventures in food - not great adventures, sadly. Nha Trang was much better to us in terms of food and drink. I did have delicious fish & pineapple after waiting way too long, bad coffee, and amazing soondubu jjigae (don't judge) that was not authentic but still good after a horrible first-order experience. Whatever. I survived though!

We went to the War Remnants Museum, which was an intellectually surreal experience, because while sobering and tragic (with pictures that made me choke up), the emotional human response is weighed from the other side by how blatant the propaganda political spin on the war is. History is written by the victors and all that. Thought-provoking at the least. Though I think we can all agree, politics aside, that Agent Orange and its effects were truly horrific.

On the bright side, our hostel has been extremely nice and clean and friendly, with lovely free steady wi-fi. Small perks.

We left this morning for a six-hour ride to Phnom Penh, whereupon we embarked on depressing tours, which I mentioned above. And here we are now, with plans to leave early tomorrow morning for Siem Reap. Be in touch.

club music is the soundtrack to this trip

2011-02-20T10:46:00.000-05:00

One day boat trip to four different islands was fantastic. Snorkeling, floating bar, boyband live band, white sand beach, and one last island with aquarium! So much fun. Pictures and story later, I'm sure. Something about some boy with a really hot bod, yes. Something about all the free drinks. Something about how I am so not sober right now and having a lot of fun in beautiful Vietnam. ♥ Party hardy, babe.

Tally ho, Vietnam & Cambodia!

2011-02-19T10:09:00.000-05:00

Hola, amigos! I'm off on my first out-of-Singapore trip to Vietnam and Cambodia over the course of 18 Feb to 27 Feb. It's our recess week (aka Spring Break) and I'm out here with L and A having a good time - meeting up with the boys in Ho Chi Minh City in a few day then going off to Cambodia. Right now we girls are in Nha Trang, Vietnam, which is this gorgeous (if touristy) beach town on the East Coast. We spent the day lazing around at the beach, with the hot sun tempered by the cool sea breeze. Have I said lately how much I love the ocean? I really do. I have determined I need to live within 3 hours of it no matter where I live - or at least close enough to do a day trip. Does this rule out Beijing? Oh I hope not. It doesn't rule out Singapore for sure.

We have had lots of delicious foods since reaching Singapore - plus a twelve-hour bus ride! Overnight sleeper bus! I have pictures. It was amazing - we got beds! Interestingly bumpy experience; L was up half the night afraid we were going to die. I woke up in the middle of the night feeling we were like caught in the middle of a hurricane. Looking at the window, I determined, nope, no hurricane.

I do have more interesting stories than that - and lovely pictures, I promise! - but really this is not the best time to share them, as I'm on spotty internet in the public hostel area. News and updates after the whole trip!

For now, let me just say, oh my god Torres, you absolute troll, ilu. Singing YNWA for your Chelsea initiation haze? Why are you like this? I knew I've always loved you. ♥

I need to get back to my list-making

2011-02-13T04:45:00.001-05:00

I've been trying to work on my midterm papers on and off this weekend, but truth be told it is more off than on as I keep getting distracted. Mind, the distractions are often good and fun, which is why it is so easy to, well, get distracted in the first place.

Yesterday, Residence 3 had a banner-painting competition! Each cluster sent representatives to paint a banner for the theme "My Cluster". I went with my cluster leader XY because, hey, why not? It's a chance to get to know people better, be a little creative in a way law school typically does not allow for, and there was free lunch!

XY and I ended up with this banner, with each pair of flip flops depicting the flag of a nation represented in our cluster. Including the Singaporean flag in the corner on the wall, we had seven countries covered.

And in the end, it turns out we won one of the three grand prizes, for Most Appropriate Theme! Go us. :) That was a lot of fun and then I bonded with XY some more a little later over shared music interests. Oh Singapore, you are good to me in a way I can't really expect in the U.S. I would be happy to move here, live here, work here-- Which means I should really be trying harder with my work, shouldn't I? Make a good impression, reach out to the right people, and start laying a foundation for my future.

I will get on that; but first, back to my papers, with this song on loop.

Oh Cho Kyuhyun, can you sing forever please?

these barriers are not so rigid as you should think

2011-02-10T01:17:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, while booking hostels with L in the morning for our recess week trip to Vietnam & Cambodia, one of the hostel sites asked me for my gender. The options were "Male", "Female", or "Male and Female".

For a moment, I blanked and thought, "Oh my god, Cambodia is shockingly progressive with gender identity. How delightful!"

And then I realized that the "Male and Female" option is representative of a mixed group of guests staying at the hostel, since we'd marked "3 guests", rather than indicative of an individual gender identity.

Ah, well. I suppose I was hoping for too much. One of these days I will be pleasantly surprised.

sunday afternoons are best filled with books

2011-02-06T08:29:00.000-05:00

This afternoon, I finally got to meet up with D! It makes me so happy to have finally met her in person and we had a good time together. The nice thing about meeting people face-to-face you've already known for years is that there is really no awkwardness because you already know everything about each other, basically.

I dragged her around a bit, getting lost in Bugis on a hunt for bubble tea (I completely misplaced Koi somehow, despite passing it numerous times in the past, so we ended up at Sweet Talk), and then we went shopping at the DC Superheroes store (she got a Green Lantern shirt for her boyfriend; I got a Super Girl/수퍼걸 shirt - how many of you actually get the inside joke?). Next we made stops at Borders, with a break for coffee, and ended at Kinokuniya. I love bookstores, dear lord. They always remind me how much I want to own my own place and have the space and income to fill shelf after shelf with all sorts of books. I dream the big dream, you guys.

Kinokuniya is probably the end-all be-all of my favorite bookstores so far, if not for the ridiculously hiked up prices on English books. Thank you import tariffs. Prices aside, the selection of books available kind of make me want to cry with happiness inside. Thankfully, I did not embarrass myself. Thankfully, I did not go find a copy of The Giving Tree to read in public (another way to guarantee I will embarrass myself by crying in public).

I will get to see D again in March, when I go visit her in the Philippines and we go off on our beach adventure! ♥ I'm looking forward to my many travels, but first I must finish off my writing assignments and then I must make pleading eyes at my parents for more money. Better to be in debt to them than the government, right?

Perhaps I should start advancing my plans to marry a millionaire. Not as easy as Harlequin makes it sound, unfortunately.

we all bleed red

2011-02-05T00:17:00.001-05:00

On the MRT today, a boy was reading a sports newspaper that featured on the back cover a huge picture of Torres with the words "JUDAS SCUM", which reminded me that I haven't posted about this topic yet.

So Torres transferred from Liverpool to Chelsea, inspiring many mixed or angry feelings on the parts of many people, which is fair. I have thoughts about it, but they really come down to the following: I love and support him a lot and want him to do well, and though I am disappointed (THE NANDO SONG AND NIKE AD NOOO), I understand where this is coming from. But Liverpool is still my team, with or without him, and I'm not going to stop loving or following my team just because he's gone. Maybe I am not doing "fan" properly, without outrage and passionate outcry and wailing and gnashing of teeth, but I'm cool with that. YNWA.

I still want a Torres Spanish NT jersey and a Gerrard LFC jersey. (Good thing I was never interested in a Torres LFC jersey, I guess, but who didn't see this coming since the beginning of the season?)

welcome to the year of the rabbit

2011-02-03T01:03:00.000-05:00

(image pulled from Google)
Happy Lunar New Year!
新年快乐恭喜发财

Favorite foods/food places so far in Singapore:

- chicken rice on Waterloo (thanks, P!)
- laksa at Penang Kitchen at Coronation Plaza
- 酸辣炒米粉/spicy stir-fried vermicelli with pork near Bugis
- Nutella & strawberry crepes at Plaza Singapura
- 老北京炸酱面/Old Beijing Style jjajangmyeon at PGP food court (or anywhere, really)
- pork chops, peach iced tea at Republic of Steak (need to go back to try their ribeye, oh god)
- Chicken Basil Aoili at Pastamania
- any of the dishes at the Korean food place at Clementi (spicy pork & kimchi fried rice, mm)
- fresh mango juice at Bugis, or anywhere
- wonton noodle soup w/ char siew, anywhere
- all Asian bakeries but especially Bread Talk
- any and all of the 2 vegetable + 1 meat meals, because oh my god the selection is always such good Chinese food ♥
- also, tom yum flavored ramen is surprisingly delicious; I think I just like spicy & sour flavored foods

Food orgasms are my constant state of being in Singapore and I like it that way.

things I should not do in class:

2011-01-31T22:34:00.002-05:00

Read damnyouautocorrect.com.

If I start laughing, it might be just a little obvious I'm no longer paying attention to the discussion of real world implications of fraud in virtual worlds. Maybe.

everything is more than it seems

2011-01-31T02:04:00.000-05:00

I've had a busy, busy weekend, thus my lack of updating! I have been out and about most of the days away from my computer and the internet until late at night, when I am too busy to update anyway. C is here visiting, so we've been having a lot of fun together. I took her out and around for food and shopping, we met up with B on Friday night to explore Chinatown, and then we did concerts Saturday and Sunday nights, where we met up with all sorts of people, from S to A to G and their assorted friends. Good times were had, and that's a phenomenal understatement. Some things can't quite be put into words.

It was hard to get back into the swing of school today, but I had my 9am class and then met with my professor afterwards for coffee so I could pick his brain or something. He's a really interesting guy. Extremely intelligent and proud of his accomplishments - he's good and he knows it and he knows you know it too, so he sort of expects acknowledgment. It's not as matter-of-fact, the way he talks about it, but it's not aggravating either. I'm not sure how he pulls it off.

In any case, while we were chatting, the topic turned to being Asian in the U.S. and being Asian in Singapore and, inevitably, racism. Then he comes out with this, dry:

"I was in New York last month, and I was at Saks Fifth Avenue shopping. The sales clerk - I couldn't tell if it was racism or just plain rudeness. (It's hard to tell in New York.)"

I snickered because, okay, fair enough. We had a really interesting conversation about free speech, though, and when it gets out of hand, and all sorts of other interesting things. Maybe I will go into academia. Researching and writing about these things seems much more interesting than practicing law itself because, well, you know me: I am the type to over-think and over-analyze, but am less active on the "doing" things side. I could push myself to change that, but academia also seems like a comfortable niche to cultivate that preexisting compunction. We'll see.

driven by my stomach

2011-01-27T04:42:00.001-05:00

Loving all the Asian food here, don't get me wrong, but I am sort of craving Italian right now, out of the blue. Pasta, tomato sauce, sausage, judicious use of cheese, garlic bread - oh god. I should stop.

(And let's not lie. One of the first things I'm getting once I'm back in the States is a juicy medium ribeye steak. Yes please.)

dancing out on this edge

2011-01-26T07:22:00.000-05:00

Monday night was another WashU sponsored dinner, this time at the Asian Civilizations Museum. It was another schmoozing opportunity and I collected a few cards that, honestly speaking, I will probably never use again in my life. Still, an interesting experience. After dinner, A and E and I took the opportunity to stop by the Raffles Hotel where the Singapore Sling was invented and treated ourselves. (Pics on Facebook, as I suppose I shouldn't publicly up pictures of other people without their permission.) Good stuff but oh, pricey indeed.

Tuesday passed in a blur of class (oh angry, impatient, frustrated professor) and nostalgia for Final Fantasy 7. It's a strange nostalgia, considering I've never played the game. Yet I have such love for it - blame Advent Children, I suppose. God, it was gorgeous, and the soundtrack. Oh the soundtrack. I rediscovered my crush on Zack Fair, who to date remains one of my biggest fictional character crushes ever. Do not ask me to explain myself because I'm pretty sure all I could manage would be something along the lines of "alksdghdjf he's just perfect, okay?" (except rendered verbally).

S agrees with me.

S: He is like the most impossibly ideal boyfriend. Minus the dead thing.
Me: :( I AM VERY SELECTIVE ABOUT THE (FICTIONAL) REALITY I LIVE IN.

Today I met up for lunch with (other!) S and (other!) A. We had delicious Hong Kong style dim sum, and milk tea, and milk-and-butter toast, and everything was amazing. I've mentioned how much I love the food here, right? Love it, love it. Then we grabbed coffee and whiled away the afternoon at Starbucks just chatting and being totally ridiculous at each other, much, I'm sure, to the horror of anyone within earshot.

We are all going to the concert on Saturday night! So that should be a lot of fun. C is just about getting on the plane over in New Orleans, ready to fly out here to me and Singapore and the concert. I am looking forward to it. It's going to be an awesome weekend.

And making more travel plans! Got Vietnam & Cambodia settled (end of Feb), looking like Bangkok will be set as well (late April), and now thinking about Taiwan and Indonesia or the Philippines. Indonesia and Taiwan are on the pricier side, so I'm not sure. I'd also like to have travel companions if I went there. The Philippines are cheap! But I need to investigate potential places to stay/people to see... Decisions, decisions. Korea is out, I think. Too pricey, however much I may love it.

how to prove that I bleed red?

2011-01-23T22:22:00.001-05:00

LFC jerseys, why are you so expensive! I love you but I cannot spend so much on you, particularly since I am hoping for a Gerrard LFC shirt and a Torres Spain shirt. Yes, my biases are evident. Thus the point of displaying them on a shirt, right?

I have been told that Thailand is a good market for cheaper knockoffs. When am I going to Bangkok again? March, I think. Right, on the itinerary: the aquarium and shopping for jerseys.

Unrelated, I'm not a graphic designer at all, but I can be a font geek, oh my god yes.

welcome to an episode in a life you'll never live

2011-01-23T10:36:00.000-05:00

On Friday, I met with P and her boyfriend V at Bugis. I finally had delicious chicken rice! "We've ruined it for you," V told me solemnly, "because this is some of the best. The rest just won't compare." They are both perfectly lovely and fun to spend the afternoon with. We wandered around Bugis shopping a bit and I managed to acquire a pair of shorts and two dresses. Not a bad haul, though at some point in the future I need a bag (something to haul my school stuff in that is less heavy) and potentially a belt...

Friday night, I finally went on the night safari and the Singapore zoo! I went with F and it was pretty fun; there were lions and tigers and bears, oh my. There were bison and giraffes and foxes and wolves; tapirs and rhinos and hippos as well! My only complaint is that all mass public transit in Singapore shuts down around 11 or 12 at night, which is...difficult, I feel. But the cabs are all really cheap (or else it's just that Singapore is so small that you can't really rack up the meter unless you drive in circles), so it's all right. We met with J and A at a hawker center afterwards and chilled a bit with some Carlsberg (Danish! I only know because of its LFC associations) beer.

Saturday, I met with Dean P of our school for lunch, along with A and E (from WashU) and M (who'd done exchange with WashU previously). We had really good laksa, mmm. I'm a fan. We'll have to see if other places do it as well as Penang Kitchen. Anyway, Dean P invited us to an alumni dinner that night at the Marina Bay Sands hotel, so of course we took him up on it. Free food at a swanky restaurant with a chance to schmooze? It is only our obligation as poor, jobless law students.

So we got fancy: boys in suits and me in a really classy red dress, if I do say so myself. I wish I had pictures but you can't pull off upscale classy while brandishing a camera around like a tourist, evidently. Marina Bay Sands evokes Dubai-style opulence and is not so much classy as it is just ostentatious. It is designed to impress and be the very opposite of subtle; it is designed to get as much money from rich foreigners as possible. To that end, I feel as though it's very successful.

Our restaurant, Ku De Ta (I don't think the Singaporean government realizes that said aloud it sounds remarkably similar to coup d'etat), was on the top floor of the hotel (57th). At dinner was Dean P, our school's international relations dean, as well as the dean of the law school, Dean S (and his wife). There were two attorneys from a pretty big Singaporean firm (KCP) who were WashU grads, a former attorney now a client at KCP who was also a WashU alum (and his wife), and three students who had been on exchange at WashU for their LLM.

Dinner was fancy, to say the least. Dean S basically ordered a tasting sample for the table - an assortment of cold dishes and then a stream of hot dishes. Lobster, squid, fish, scallops, beef, pork, chicken, vegetables, etc., all prepared in tiny dishes with careful plating (as seen on Top Chef!). Dessert was strawberry sorbet with a (maybe) passionfruit mousse type thing. It was a little surreal, I thought, but not as surreal as post-dinner, which I'll get to in a bit. Dinner conversation was pretty good, though due to my seating I mostly spoke to the former LLM students (one a current NUS law student, two now associates at KCP).

After dinner, the group got invited to the KCP client's house for - get this - whiskey and cigars. Two of the girls begged off, so in the end it was a group of guys at one of the largest houses I have ever been in (period, not just in Singapore, though who owns houses this big in Singapore?! Everyone lives in high-rise condos!) with their cigars and cigarettes and whiskey. And me and one other girl.

Nothing impressed upon me more than those two hours on that deck of someone clearly rolling in more money than I will ever see in my life how much law (especially in Asia) is still very much a good ol' boys club. We girls were little more than decoration or an ear for an occasional clever quip; entertainment and fond, almost paternalistic amusement when the other girl tried a cigar. How cute, you could practically see the attorneys thinking. I'm not so cynical as to think all law is still this way; I don't want to diminish how far women have managed to come in this profession. But here in Asia and especially at firms specializing in corporate law and litigation, this is the sense I got: Privilege, wealth, and men in charge.

I'm positive the female associates are smart, sharp, capable, and respected. I'm positive it's still the (often though not only white) guys calling the shots at the end of the day. (The client with the million dollar house and the Cuban cigars and fine aged whiskey was Singaporean.) I'm positive all of these people are extremely hard-working. I'm positive they all still enjoy the fine things in life, which is fair - what is life worth if you can't find enjoyment in it?

But these kinds and standards of "fine things" are, I realize, not something I could ever appreciate properly. I can blame my middle-class roots and upbringing, perhaps. For all I moan and joke about finding a rich man to marry myself off to, I'm not sure I could really revel in the luxury of standard "upper class" fineries. (I could enjoy a lot of money, absolutely, but I would enjoy it by buying a lot of food and cute clothes and traveling. I am positively awful about caring about brands.)

I still get defensive about law as a profession because it is not as evil as mainstream culture makes it out to be, but at the same time I have seen facets of what it can be as well, and some of the criticisms have root in truth. I also say, fairly casually and despairingly these days, that I hate law and I don't know why I'm doing it. It's not true. There is a lot of law I dislike, there is a lot of the legal profession I dislike, but there definitely remain areas of law that truly fascinate me (see every topic touched on by my entertainment law class). My interests lie closer to issues touched by public interest law. I don't begrudge the people who enjoy tax law or corporate merger law or what have you, but that is not a life I could have for myself. So I'll miss out on the six figure salaries and the filthy rich clients and the diamond cuff links. It's all right. I couldn't ever be happy in a good ol' boys club anyway.

Maybe I'll go into academics. I made an appointment to pick the brain of my Entertainment law (fashion photographer) professor next week.

baby just say yes to this

2011-01-21T11:55:00.000-05:00

Not sober but I wouldn't say drunk. Comfortably tipsy. I should spend more nights like this, as I am much more mellow and less awkward like this. Drank Carlsberg (oh! Danish brew! LFC sponsor) Special Brew (double the normal alcoholic content apparently) and some Thai beer as well. This was after a pretty fun night at the Singapore Night Safari with F. Then met up with A and J at the West Coast Plaza hawker center. I spent the afternoon at Bugis shopping with P (who is tiny and pretty and omg I love her) and her boyfriend. It was a lot of fun. I also finally had really delicious chicken rice! Shopping and eating are the Singaporean staples and I am all over that. Look at me blend in with the crowd, yo. A continues, by the way, to be a good guy, concerned if I'm okay and constantly checking in and buying me water too. Thanks, A! Comfortably tipsy is a good place to be. I'm all right. But I appreciate it!

Booking tickets to Vietnam (and Cambodia) for break! Is this the best idea while tipsy? We shall see!

oh right, I'm here for school

2011-01-20T08:37:00.000-05:00

This is the long-promised post about classes! I'll start backwards, chronologically.

My Thursday class is Human Rights in Asia, which is a fascinating topic. Unfortunately, there is a positively wretched amount of reading for it, which goes a long way in dampening my enthusiasm. The professor is incredibly knowledgeable as well, but oh man does she have trouble delivering her wealth of knowledge to the class in a clear and concise manner. She doesn't use slides but rather lectures at us, scribbles on the whiteboard in a haphazard manner, starts lists but doesn't finish them, and loses herself on tangents without finding her way back to the main point. It makes me so aggravated, oh god. The J part of the INFJ in me is just shouting for a properly outlined and structured approach to the class, with every nicely delineated and neatly tied together. Or at the very least some sort of logical flow. Do I ask for too much?

But really, the topic is fascinating. We've touched so far on broad issues like how to define human rights law in Asia (Who's a human? Slaves didn't used to be. When does life start? What are rights? Are they positive or negative? How are they different from needs or interests? What is a law? Where is Asia? When is the Middle East? Etc.) and the cultural relativism argument (Human rights are a form of Western cultural imperialism; other places in the world can take different apprroaches to human rights, etc.).

Tuesday mornings I have Legal Issues in Virtual Worlds, which I originally thought would be something like Internet law. Something like that indeed, but more narrow: it's actually about rules in virtual worlds like Starcraft, World of Warcraft, Maplestory, Second Life, SIMs, etc. and how laws in the real world affect those virtual worlds. It's the geekiest class ever, but so hilarious. At least half the class are trufax gamers, so it's kind of surreal and definitely amusing to have a forty-some-year-old female professor lecture us about the intricacies of games probably half the class is far more intimately familiar with. (Granted, she probably knows the legal issues far better.)

This past week we had guest lecturer who focused on the cultural aspects of gaming rather than the legal aspects, and introduced her lecture with talk about the growth of the Asian entertainment market. She touched on the Korean wave and included examples such as Korean dramas, kpop, a Thai movie set in Korea, and a Filipino boy band staged to copy kpop's style. It was hilarious to see all the Asians in class grinning and acknowledging these familiar pop culture influences, while all the foreign exchange students stared in bafflement. "Wonder Girls? Never heard of them," their expressions seemed to say.

On Mondays, I have two classes! In the afternoon I have Law & Development in China, which is another interesting class that is difficult to suffer through because, oh my god, the professor's monotone voice. He also does that awful thing where he continually poses questions at students so we listen to uninformed and waffling opinions for twenty minutes without learning anything on a topic that would take the professor five minutes to sum up. I hate why-don't-you-tell-me-your-uninformed-opinions discussion time; my 1L property class was nothing but that and clearly I learned no property law, as it was my worst grade in law school to date.

Thankfully, I have a little background in this due to my seminar in Chinese law with Minzner last year. My final in this class is a paper on China; I plan on making heavy use of either my seminar paper (legal status of homosexuality in China over time) or my Note (development of a sustainable legal NGO in China). I.e., the research I already put into both.

Monday mornings is my favorite class ever ever ever. Ever. It's Entertainment Law: Pop Iconography & Celebrity. It is basically every single subject in law I'm interested in combined all togetther: copyright law, trademark law, contract law, freedom of speech issues, right to privacy, right to publicity, etc. And, of course, huge amounts of pop culture. I'm a pro. This is my happy place. If this class were a person, I would have dirtyfilthyawesome sex with it. I don't even care that it's at 9am on a Monday morning; it fills me with such glee. Everything about it is interesting to me, plus we get loads of pictures and videos as lecture visual aids.

On top of all this? PROFESSOR, OH PROFESSOR. He is young and pretty cute (I guess?? I dunno, I am not personally attracted to him, but objectively I think he is pretty good-looking?) and smart: law degree at Melbourne, masters at Harvard, Ph.D. from Melbourne, and now teaching at NUS. What else? ALSO A FASHION PHOTOGRAPHER. Why do I find this absolutely hilarious? Probably because those two careers are such a strange match. I don't know anything about photography, but man, can I just say that he takes a lot of pictures of very attractive shirtless men? (There are women too! They are clothed.)

And a bonus note of pure geekery: OH MY GOD HIS SLIDES ARE SO DELICIOUSLY CLEAN AND WELL ORGANIZED AND PRETTILY FORMATTED AND UNF NOT TOO MUCH TEXT, NOT TOO MANY MESSY PICTURES PILED TO THE EDGES, GREAT COLOR SCHEME, GOD IT'S LIKE A POWERPOINT ORGASM. Seriously. YOu have no idea how many hideous powerpoints I've seen in my academic career. His are amazing. The cherry on top of the proverbial sundae, I suppose you could say.

Now to fill in more background info: the law faculty has a separate campus from the main one where most everyone lives. There's a free direct shuttle from the main campus to the law campus, which takes about 20-30 minutes (depending on traffic). There's a canteen on the law campus where I eat lunch typically Mondays and Tuesdays since I'm there; the selection is decent, I suppose, but definitely cheap, which goes a long way. Also: coffee is 70 cents and fills me with joy and caffeine.

The other exchange students on the whole are all pretty chill, pretty nice people. Generally they seem to enjoy clubbing and drinking more than I ever will (but that's just me, I've an old woman and an introvert; I prefer my quiet outings with smaller groups), and sometimes I'm not sure they're at all interested in seeing the "real" Singapore as much as just having a good time in all the tourist traps and ex-pat spots, but to each their own, right? So long as they're having a good time and I'm having a good time, whatever.

Oh fashion-photog!prof, I am going to email you and meet with you and have coffee and basically make you tell me how to get into your field or possibly your job. /CRANKS UP THE CHARISMA

cosmic balance decided i'd had it too good lately

2011-01-19T05:42:00.000-05:00

Some people are assholes. Some people are idiots. I fall in one or both of the categories, thank you spectacularly terrible morning. The day was saved from continuing in that horrible vein by G, whom I hung out with at Orchard (lunch, Comic Station, Kinokuniya, Starbucks) and the National Museum, where we saw the Pompeii exhibit.

Last night I branched out and met new exchange students, ooh la la. L, whom I'd met already, suggested we do dinner in Chinatown and then hit up the comedy club he'd been recommended in Clark Quay. I thought it would be fun, so I agreed, and met V and T (both Canadians, because NUS is apparently crawling with Canadian exchange students - who knew?). We did a fun dinner game in which each person was sent to buy a dish to share with the group in order to push us all into being more adventurous with our food; it ended well, with many delicious things. Popiah, in particular, I'm a fan of. T's choice of Szechuan wontons was really delicious too.

The comedy club is called Comedy Masala and is a weekly Tuesday night open-mic stand-up at Club Home. Apparently a ton of NUS students came and we formed the largest group Comedy Masala's had since their opening (16 weeks ago). Good crowd. Loud music. Cheap (relatively) drinks. The MC was Pakistani and very funny; the 9 comedians were a range of funny to not so funny (closer to oh-god-embarrassment-squick), all guys. Some Indian, some Singaporean, one Malay, and one well-known white dude to wrap up the night. Overall a pretty fun experience, except it ran late, but L and V wanted food on our way back, so we had prata (which was good), and then it was even later!

Why does no one believe me when I tell them I'm really old inside? Like, a 50-year-old woman who needs to be in bed by a sensible hour and get up early without feeling like she wants to die? I rolled out of bed this morning to finish up student pass stuff, only to be completely tied up in Singapore's affinity for red tape (in triplicate) and my own stupidity. So that was unfun, on top of feeling physically like death. Emotionally not so hot either.

On the bright side, kaya toast with butter is delicious, and G is perfectly lovely. And C looks like she may very well be able to come to Singapore to visit, which I'm thrilled about.

The grimmer news is that I still think some people are assholes (no, I told you, the "no cursing" thing was never going to work out, not even a little bit) and I have so much, so much to do. And my emotional equilibrium has not returned, to say the least.

I love to end on a bright note, yeah? Bright note: good thing my room's only on the fourth floor!

what are these words coming out of my mouth?

2011-01-17T20:44:00.000-05:00

I realized lately that I have a pretty casually foul mouth. My shoes hurt me? I don't go "ow!", I go "motherfucker!" When things annoy me, I don't say, "This aggravates me," I say, "This shit is fucking unacceptable." I feel like I should clean up my language and make more use of, you know, the many varied words the English language offers! Creativity, I used to have it. Now it's the same four-letter words over and over.

I really should censor myself more, though, because it's gotten to the point where this stuff comes out accidentally in front of people it shouldn't because I am so accustomed to it. Bad idea. (Though it's always funny when people are like "oh Mei! I never expected such language from you!" Inevitably, I think, "Man, you don't (fucking) know me at all, do you?")

I will take a pledge to not use foul language for at least a week! Let's see how successful I am, or if I'll owe myself a lot of money at 20c for each expletive - bets on how much change I'll have laundry by the end of this week?

i know what it's like to be a fan, trust me

2011-01-17T00:52:00.000-05:00

Last night, Liverpool played Everton in the second Merseyside Derby of the season. A and I met up with some undergrad exchange kids from England (one of them is really cute and tall and blond and of course has the accent, but he's, like, 19 and ALSO AN EVERTON FAN /JUDGES FOREVER) to watch the game, but it turns out the bar we planned on going to misled us because they didn't actually have access to the game. So back to our individual dorms to stream the game we went.

So I'm watching the game and on Gchat talking with A about it, and chatting with some other people too. This conversation happens:

MEI: I'm watching football! :D
F: NFL playoff?
MEI: No. I hate the NFL. I meant soccer.
F: Why do you hate America?

What? :( Ffffuuuu.

As I told D, it's not so much that I hate the NFL (I pay attention, sometimes, sporadically and without much investment and in a shallow way - the Rams's QB is cute, seriously) as I love Liverpool and its slogans and songs (and players, yes). Don't you dare think all girls only pay attention to sports for the "hot guys". It may be true for some girls, it may be true for some sports (i.e., me and the NFL), but guys do not have the market cornered on wild and irrational investment in a team and how they do.

Speaking of such, WAY TO DRAW EVERTON, FFS LIVERPOOL. Up at the half, and then letting Everton score 2 within the first ten minutes of the second half, god. Liverpool, sometimes I don't know why I love you. It's a hard question to answer whenever anyone (like the British boy from last night) asks, "Why Liverpool?"

Because I like having my heart broken and my blood pressure through the roof, obviously.

At least I'll never walk alone, despite that.

point and counterpoint in the people and places you know

2011-01-16T05:33:00.001-05:00

We intended to go on the night safari last night but, alas, weather intervened in the form of a lengthy bout of rain. So instead the crowd (F, A, B, R, R, and I - hey we make a band name! FABRRi, the next biggest pop act) grabbed some dinner and decided to go to Blu Jazz Café to meet up with some of R's friends. But of course there was going to be pre-gaming, so to A's tiny single room we went, collecting along with us E and N. N is a girl. The rest are all boys. Did I mention recently that I seem to have some trouble reaching out and getting to know the exchange girls here? N and I bonded over that a bit! Strange how boys are easier to hang out with, really. But to balance out all this testosterone and crudeness, all the people I already know in Singapore are girls (S, F, G, P) and I spend time with them solo, apart from exchange activities. So it works out well for me, I think.

A put on his laptop speakers and cranked up the music, we broke out the rum and coke, the vodka and tonic, and I got comfortably tipsy. I did keep in mind D's advice from ages ago to never be drunk surrounded only by guys, even if they are supposed to be guy friends, or decent guys, or people you should be able to trust not to take advantage of you. "Should" is such a...loaded word, really. Many people are nothing they "should" be.

We cabbed over to Blu Jazz Café later and had met up with more people, had some more beer, chatted, etc. It was a really nice mild night, breezy and not as humid as usual. The live band was pretty good, the singer was fun, and R and B and I danced a bit inside while the rest hung about our table outside and commenced social interaction. Other R and N had quite a bit of flirtation going on, even though apparently N already has a boyfriend? (And is probably at least three years older than R, but that stops no one these days, am I right?)

I had a good time but we got back late, and I spent some time thinking people were trying to set me up with F, which - vehemently - no thank you. No more Asian boys with misogynistic attitudes, not even ones with a good job at a good NY law firm lined up after graduation. Apparently I am not all that shallow. (Or perhaps I am. He is also not nearly tall enough for my tastes.)

God, other D explained to me that the main reasons guys go on study abroad programs is to 1) drink and 2) hook up. So far, most of these guys have proved him right. A and B being the lovely exceptions. A gets along with everyone, is very laid-back and friendly, and can get rowdy in his own way, but underneath it all he's a really good guy: respectful of women too. He apologized a few times throughout the night that the guys were making hooker jokes, were being crude about wanting to hook up, etc. He can still join in occasionally, but he at least recognizes that such jokes can be and are legitimately offensive. It means a lot. B, also, is a really good guy. Quieter, younger than A, but very interested and willing to try new foods and see new places and not at all here just to drink, party, club, and hook-up. If he wants to meet people, it's to get to know them, not to just get wasted with them, and it's refreshing.

(This is a tough blogpost to write without mentioning names. But I maintain I will keep it this way for now. Pictures on Facebook and, well, you may be able to figure out enough based on the tags.)

So that happened last night. Today, I met up with F for lunch at ION (Singapore's largest mall) and had amazing char siew wonton noodles for lunch (and for only 3.50, which is a positive steal in this Orchard Road pure-touristy-prices mall). We then made our way to Singapore's Botanic Gardens, which were leafy and rich and so, so green. Beautiful, peaceful, and really lovely. A spot of rain almost soaked us but - being prepared - we had our umbrellas. I felt terrible for the people who had spread out under the sun for picnics, only to get drenched with little warning.

The weather cleared up fairly quickly though, and we explored the entire gardens, essentially. It was a really nice break from the Singapore and counterpoint to the more social/people/drinking scene from last night.

Making plans for travel now, contemplating dinner, and weighing how much I want to do class readings versus manga readings. I suspect I know which will win out. I suspect I still need to make that post about my classes and professors. I have not forgotten!

my book about being mistaken for a hooker (yes it's happened more than once)

2011-01-15T04:46:00.001-05:00

This afternoon F and I decided to explore Geylang, Singapore's infamous red light district. I didn't expect much in terms of scandalous people or behavior since it was 2 in the afternoon, but apparently he expected otherwise. Boys, honestly. Every girl he passed he would eye quickly and covertly, then turn to me and mutter under his breath, "So do you think she's a--?"

"No," I said on more than on occasion, "I think she's just a normal girl walking down the street!"

"But it's the red light district!" he protested.

"It's also two in the afternoon!"

"Then what are they doing, if they're not out?"

"Oh, I don't know," I said, throwing my hands in the air, "sleeping?" Honest to God, people, this is why I will never date Asian guys again. They can be decent to hang out with but there is so much underlying misogyny and homophobia in their outlook on life. No thanks.

We made a pit stop for food and F joked that he was wary of the food here - it might have STDs. "Are you kidding," I said. "I highly doubt they have sex with the food and then sell it. Don't be ridiculous."

Apparently I am not so good with sex-worker jokes anymore, if I ever was. My sense of humor, I seem to have lost it somewhere.

The entire area is not as bad as it might sound. Definitely more run-down than the wealthier, glitzier parts of Singapore, it boasts a lot of tiny food shops (hot pot, Korean barbecue, more hawker centers with traditional Singaporean food) and massage parlors and shady KTVs. It is obviously not the most reputable part of town and I have no doubt that some not-entirely-legitimate businesses may occur at night, but it's entirely safe and not terribly interesting on a sunny Saturday afternoon.

A little later, we passed a girl getting out of a taxi in short shorts and high heels. "She must be," F said with conviction after we pass her. I rolled my eyes.

"You can't just assume every girl wearing high heels is a hooker."

And then he started laughing because he finally realized that I was in heels (and jeans, mind) and had been the entire walking trip through the area. "No wonder all the guys were looking at you. They think you're one."

Sadly, this was true. There's nothing quite like being looked up and down by dirty old men as you pass them by in the middle of the red light district, even when you are wearing more clothes than the guy you're with. Nothing like visiting the red light district to realize how terrible guys can be.

I faked amusement, because it's what you do, I guess. How do you reply to that? "Yes, you think it's hilarious that other people think I'm a hooker. I think it's hilarious too!"

I originally thought this was going to be a sort of funny retelling of my afternoon adventures, but it turns out it's really just an unfunny retelling of a not-terrible but far from great experience with misogyny and, yeah, I'm gonna say it - rape culture.

Good times, y'all. Good times. I'm going to put this afternoon out of mind now that I've complained about it and hope that tonight's plans for the night safari go better.

i've never claimed to be anything but biased

2011-01-14T08:19:00.000-05:00

Let the record show that Beijing-style 炸酱面 will always be better than Korean-style 짜장면. Such was dinner, delicious.

life on the wild side

2011-01-13T13:16:00.001-05:00

Following class and dinner with G (who is tiny - I actually felt, for once in my life, like the awkward, taller one!), some of the exchange guys wanted to hang out. "Casual," said F. "No clubbing. We'll just sit somewhere on campus and drink."

"Sure," I said, because I have an old soul and clubbing is not for me, generally. Post-agreement, I began to wonder whether NUS was a dry campus. I knew we weren't allowed alcohol inside the dorms, but I wasn't sure about on campus in general.

Yet around 10:30PM, I trekked out to the bus stop to await the few and far inbetween buses that might take me down to F's residence hall. I had examined the campus map and knew there was a stop directly in front of his building. I was prepared.

Or so I thought. Sadly, the various campus maps posted around, while indicating the location of bus stops, does not actually indicate the route the bus takes. I guessed wrong. I got off early. I was in a deserted parking lot lit by a stray street light and the lights of the looming building behind me - School of Computing, it said. "Fuck," I said. "I don't even know where the hell I am." (Which was a lie - clearly I was at the School of Computing.)

And so I crossed the barren parking lot towards the street in the belief that if you just follow a street long enough, it will take you somewhere useful. And so it did: it brought me to a map, which indicated that I should continue down the hill in order to find the dorm where I was originally supposed to end up.

Finally, after that minor adventure, I met up with F and B and their case of beer from the 7/11 just outside of campus. "Let us drink," said they, and found us a corner of a different deserted parking lot to sit in while drinking our German beer. We were willing to take the risks of drinking on campus, oh yes, but not to push so far as to find a building in which to drink because buildings, they have security.

A eventually joined up with us and we all migrated to the bus stop in front of F's dorm to sit and drink and talk. It was about half an hour into this when A suddenly exclaimed, under his breath, "Cops, cops!" and frantically shoved his beer can behind him, out of sight. We rearranged in muted panic and sat in silence as the cop car pulled by slowly, on patrol. Two feet past us, it stopped. We held our breaths. It backed up. We stared at it. It turned down a different street.

"Holy shit," said A, "I thought we were about to get arrested and then caned."

"Nah," said F, laughing in relief. "We'd give Mei over to pay the price."

"Excuse me," said I, "I'll have you know only men get caned in Singapore." And so it's true, as backed by the fount of knowledge that is Wikipedia.

Though the consequences would undoubtedly not even come close to caning, it's something to joke about, I suppose. It's hard to imagine that they'd do much to one or two errant students, especially if we're international exchange and can claim ignorance as defense for almost everything, whether it's drinking shitty beer in shady parking lots or sneaking a non-resident into a resident-hall dining hall. Did you know they required you to sign in your name, room #, and ID before serving you your free dining hall food? I found out when I got in line and lied on that paper, followed closely by F.

Singapore makes rebels out of all of us.

Well-fed rebels, at least. After our close call, we walked out of campus to a nearby 24-hour eatery, where I got a mini-Beijing breakfast of 油条豆浆 (hot soy milk + fried dough stick). God it was good. Then A and I proceeded to walk off our food by walking halfway across campus back to PGP, as buses quit running at 11.

It's 2AM and I have not yet been arrested - for drinking, or stealing residents-only food, or soliciting anyone through windows. It's a good night. And it's time for bed.

MISSION Shoe Shopping: success!

2011-01-12T19:37:00.001-05:00

I spent the day out yesterday with S - Korean food for lunch (두부 찌개, can we talk about how delicious that was? Okay, it was ridiculously delicious, this place made excellent food), and then Marina Square for some shopping. I've been told over and again by Singaporeans (and people who live here) that, "Oh, Singapore's kind of boring, really. All we do is eat and shop." Really? All you do? I don't have a problem at all with this. I feel like could live with eating and snacking and drinking coffee/bubble tea/juice and then walking it all off as I shop around - somehow. I will pull through.

S is a total sweetheart and we had a lot of fun. She's thinking about a Korea trip next month and was perusing winter clothing because, unlike Singapore, Korea actually gets a bit cold during the winter months. I was looking at shoes because there is nothing more I loathe than shoe-shopping in the States, but it is slightly easier in Asia. Even then, I have to tell you, my feet are about a size too small than the smallest size offered. I managed, however, to find two pairs of shoes that were both cute and affordable, so now I have my glitzy flip fops that can withstand all sudden rain showers as per Singapore's norm, and a pair of heels. Because a girl always needs more heels. When she is me and my height anyway.

We chatted the entire afternoon about Singapore and about kpop, which I had left behind, damn it. Yet she is stirring these banked fires of interest once again. I'm not sure if I can resist, especially with an SJM comeback scheduled for this month or so. Not so deeply buried in my heart is this undying love for some of these boys.

That aside, we stopped by a Korean supermarket to stock up on snacks and grabbed dinner at a Japanese fast food place - Yoshinoya, which was pretty good. I didn't feel like KFC. A lot of the Western exchange students have been despairing about eating Asian food every meal, every single day, and have been talking about craving a burger. I suppose I'm lucky enough that I'm accustomed to eating Asian food all the time and it only makes me happy how much variety of Asian food there is available in Singapore. My love for rice and noodles are limitless. Not to say I couldn't do with burger or a waffle or something once in a while, but for the most part I am happy with what I have. (Plus, Western food tends to be far more expensive...)

Today: laundry, Top Chef episode, class reading, class! As you can see, my schedule is fast resembling every other typical, ordinary day back in the States with school in session. I need to start planning these trips out of the country!

what singapore do you see through your lens?

2011-01-11T10:21:00.000-05:00

A list of places I would like to visit while I'm in SE Asia this semester, in no particular order:

1. Bangkok, Thailand
2. Cambodia
3. Vietnam
4. Bali, Indonesia
5. Hong Kong
6. Taiwan
7. Malaysia

To be honest, HK I would not be terribly bothered if I could not get to, as I've been before. It's more that I have friends there now (R among them), and it would be nice to see them again and be shown around, to see the city without the baggage of family. Taiwan I could probably also suffice without, as it is not entirely dissimilar to China. I would really like to visit the first four on the list, however. Malaysia I am not quite sure where I stand at the moment, aside from passing curiosity and belief that it should be visited if only for no other reason than it is so close.

One of the exchange students (from the U.S., Northwestern Law) continues to compare Singapore and every other city to New York. "Singapore is so vanilla," he said tonight. "Nothing stands out. There's no personality."

I stared at him in disbelief.

"Oh," I said after a moment, grinning to take the edge off my somewhat offended bewilderment. "You're one of those people. The ones who are so in love with New York. I know people like that. None of them are actually from New York."

"But that's the great thing, people are from everywhere!"

I don't think he realized the irony of that statement while standing on a bus in Singapore surrounded by, well, people from everywhere, right after he had dismissed Singapore as not diverse enough to his NYC tastes.

As with so many things in life, it's really all in how you look at it. It's your attitude and perspective that matters the most. It takes a special kind of perspective to walk through Singapore and find it boring and vanilla and uninteresting, I feel.

the little details build a bigger picture

2011-01-11T03:36:00.000-05:00

Before I left for Singapore, I had a dentist appointment. The assistant who was charged with taking x-rays exclaimed, "Oh my god, you have such a small mouth!" The sad but true fact is that the first thing that came into my head was, "Well, clearly I am not destined for pro-blowjobs. What a tragedy." I guess the life of a hooker is not for me - at least not a successful one. I also am lacking in the boobage and ass areas, you see.

Though I am feeling slightly better about that in Singapore. Here I am not short! Being as curvy as a stick is not that uncommon either! I am actually about average height, which is shocking. I imagine the international students from Sweden and Holland that I've met here (who are 5'7"+) feel quite the towering giant in crowds, what with their abilities to see over a sea of heads.

This first week was a bit of frantic errand-running and adjustment period, but I think I have more or less settled in. I've got my phone and my bank account, got my student ID and my public transit card. I know how to get to my classes and how to get to the canteen, and I'm all moved into my dorm room. It's a single with a washbasin, which at first I thought was not much since, oh god, sharing a bathroom with a hall - I haven't ever done that. I only lived in the dorms my first year at uni and then we had suites, so we only shared a bathroom between four rooms (eight girs total). Then I moved into apartments where, you know, private bathrooms. Bliss. I'm still not looking forward to communal showers, but I have come to appreciate how helpful it is to have a sink/running water in the room. I can brush my teeth and fall into bed in one fell swoop.

These are the more tedious miscellany of my trip here. I plan on talking more about classes and food and people, too, when I am feeling less lazy. (I never quite stop feeling lazy, see, so I can only await times when the feeling is not as strong as other times.) I was also distracted hunting down and rereading bits of my summer 2009 travel blog detailing my stay in Beijing. I suspect a slightly different go around this time.

mei in singapore

2011-01-09T08:13:00.000-05:00

...after spending half my life on planes, I swear. 2 hours from Raleigh to Detroit, 4 hour layover, 12 hours from Detroit to Tokyo, 2.5 hour layover, 7.5 hours from Tokyo to Singapore. I'm pretty sure it totally fucked up my sleep schedule/body cycles and now I will just feel like death perpetually. Anyhow, J picked me up at the airport and I spent some time at her family's place before moving into the dorms today. Settling in pretty well; classes tomorrow!

IT IS VERY HOT. Arriving last night reminded me of arriving at Beijing in the summer. It's so much more humid/tropical than Beijing could ever be though; much more foliage around too. And they drive on the left! Oh former British colonies...

I could see myself really happy in Singapore in the future, beyond just these four months. It's got a lot to offer and genuinely the best of both Western and Eastern worlds. We did a walking tour yesterday to a Buddhist temple and a Hindu shrine, which were next to each other, and down the street from a Catholic church. There is so much genuine intermingling of cultures here, despite the U.S.'s perpetual claim to diversity. I suppose what it comes down to is far less de facto segregation. They are definitely all in the Pro columns for Singapore, alongside the delicious, cheap, variegated foods and drinks (steak and tapas right alongside Asian desserts and delicious weird foods! so much coffee and real Chinese tea!), the public transportation system, the cleanliness, the opportunity to use my Chinese, the greenery, the beaches (I'm assuming, as I haven't seen them yet), the accessibility of things on the internet, and the sun showers. I don't know if I've ever mentioned how much I love sun showers, but they've been my favorite weather phenomenon since I was a kid.

The cons? Oh, the heat and humidity. They say you get accustomed to it but I can't imagine. Missing out on cute fall and winter styles is only a very small part of it - boots and scarves and peacoats, I do like them so but really it comes down to whether I can survive the weather.

I actually met up with some international students on Friday - we did the walking tour and then had dinner and then bonded with our student tour group leaders. They're really fun and sweet and enthusiastic - leading the tour groups was all volunteer work (but oh so much unnecessary organization, Singapore; I'm coming to expect this). A lot of the international students are undergrad but there are a few Canadian and US law students on exchange too; we are clearly the older ones in the group. It's all good though, people came from all sorts of interesting places (Denmark, Sweden, New Zealand, Canada, US) but much of the conversation was the standard orientation fare: where are you from, what are you studying, where are you living, why Singapore, etc. I'm suspecting that, much like orientation, you'll end up rarely seeing these people again - the real bonds tend to be established by who you see in class and around more often. It's early yet, anyway. And I'm still only very casually committed - I have plans to meet up with non-exchange students, tyvm. Today I met F for lunch, which was really nice - she's so sweet. I'm excited about hanging out with her more. I also have plans to meet up with G and S later this week.

I'm adjusting still, but I'm slightly less stressed. Once I settle into a routine of sorts, I hope I can be better at keeping in touch with people. Right now I'm just all over the map.

on mothers and their motherly concern

2011-01-03T20:46:00.003-05:00

I love my mom but I have a complicated relationship with her (as we all do with our own moms, I feel like). Without plumbing too deeply into our history (which half of you know anyway), allow me to complain that she is driving me up a wall in a very shallow, very Standard Mom way tonight.

I'm more or less done packing for Singapore (aside from things like my computer, which you may have guessed) and am readying myself to be up at 4:30 tomorrow to head to the airport to spend the next 24 hours of my life on a motherfucking plane (hopefully without the motherfucking snakes) or in airport terminals. My mom, in momly fashion, is paranoid about everything. She is positive that I will somehow die before I reach Singapore, or maybe once I get there, because my feet will be cold on the plane, or I will be unable to sleep on the plane, or I will be unable to pay for a trolley to haul my luggage through customs.

"When you go through customs, can you wheel along both your bags?" (This because she thinks I have the strength of a wounded gazelle - or less, probably, since often wounded gazelles can still manage to run a bit. She thinks I have the strength of gently deflating balloon. Fwwoosh, said Mei.) "Maybe you should get a trolley. Oh, airports have trolleys! Make sure to get a trolley," she tells me. Then she remembers how airports try to leech every cent they can out of you. "Oh, wait, what if you need Singapore money to get a trolley? You're only carrying USD. If you have to, convert some money at the airport and then pay for the trolley."

Oh, Mother, I never thought of that!

"Do you know if you have to pay for a trolley in Singapore? Should you convert some money before you go?"

One, how on earth would I know, and two, it's too late.

Seriously, thank you for your concern but your stress is stressing me out. I don't mean to sound unappreciative of her concern because, yeah, it would suck if my mom was like, "Daughter? Going halfway around the world for four months? Doesn't ring a bell. Have fun walking to the airport tomorrow morning!" But honestly, mothers.

You know how they are.

I promise I will not die of dehydration on the plane. I promise I will not take out my money and put it in plain sight on my body and beg for someone to steal it from me. I promise I will not mortally offend J's mom's ancestors back fifteen generations. I promise I will call (via Skype, anyway). I promise I will write (via email). I promise to not die or get beaten by canes.

Love,
your not-completely-incompetent daughter Mei

welcome to your year

2011-01-01T11:20:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year!

I don't really celebrate on new year's eve because I'm always in NC and it's always...quiet. A bit isolating. I love my family, but we're not exactly the type to party and drink in celebration. I would do it with friends, but really I have no close friends here except A, and she has her own circle of close friends here because they live here year-round. I just visit. So I usually have a quiet new year's eve, but it's all right. New years tend to depress me a little bit because they remind me of the wasted opportunities in the past year and all that bright shining hope in the new year - that usually ends in disappointment by the end. Because I am still not as proactive and carpe diem as I should be.

But let's not get into that! I had a good day yesterday - I went to visit A in the afternoon in Apex and we hung out. She had a late lunch at Panera while I clasped a vanilla latte to my chest in the raptures of the addicted, and then we whiled the hours away at Borders.

Every time I visit Borders, I wander past the YA shelves and am aghast. Rows and rows of black-bound books with fancy colored font, all about vampires and werewolves and supernatural romances. Those that aren't are about rich boarding schools and fancy parties with lots of drama. And what remains is all historical fiction (i.e., RPF AU or spin-offs of Jane Austen and her works). Apparently, boys have nothing to read. Slim pickings include zombies and GI Joe novelizations. I am left more determined than ever to write a new best-selling YA series involving a prestigious boarding school full of rich girls in pretty dresses having drama about their supernatural boyfriends: vampires, werewolves, leprechauns, centaurs, god knows what else. Yes, it will be highly successful, can't you tell.

Anyway, after leaving Borders, I returned with A to her house and helped make dumplings. Handmade, homemade, etc. The best way to do dumplings, because the frozen stuff does not compare - and I'd know. I ate so many frozen dumplings surviving the last few weeks of school/exams.

Insert thoughts here reflecting on the differences between her family and mine, but they are not bad differences - they are merely differences.

But that is for another time. For now, a new year. Let's be optimistic! My resolutions for 2011 are:

-Have fun in Singapore.
-Be proactive about what I want to do post-graduation.
-Write something original of significant length.
-Be grateful.
-Be happy.

gift of sunshine this Christmas

2010-12-21T20:24:00.001-05:00

So now I'm home for the holidays, after bidding St. Louis adieu until commencement in May. I managed to return safely to NC after a harrowing 14+ hour drive, moving all my shit back with m in preparation of Singapore for the spring semester. :D Party on, dudes. Last semester is going to be so much more about food and drinking and traveling and seeing people than it is about law. But I've totally earned this, right?

Strangely, perhaps, the nostalgia hasn't hit me. It might yet, or it might wait until I'm actually back in the Lou in May before plaguing me with fond memories. I will miss seeing the people there while I'm in Singapore, of course, but for the most part I am just excited about being in a new part of the world.

Though I'm not even thinking that far ahead right now. Right now, I am focused on the holiday cruise I'm going on tomorrow with family! We're leaving out of Charleston and headed down to the Bahamas for five days. A sunny and warm Christmas, I hope, to go with the sunny and warm winter I'll be spending in Singapore. I am all up for this. Cold weather, I've had enough of you, thanks. I will not miss the cute coats and scarves all that much.

After I get back, I'll meet up with M and A at least, then be just productive enough to wrap up some last-minute things and pack for Singapore.

For now, I am looking forward to sunshine and fruity alcoholic drinks. Happy holidays!

it's like trying to ford the damn river

2010-12-15T21:31:00.001-05:00

I've finished packing all my clothes and books (save the textbooks I plan on selling back) and have come to the conclusion that owning clothes and books is a pain in the ass. Or at at least the transportation of them is. Why has no one invented teleportation yet? Why is that not recognized as a real word? (I have many questions.) I also keep looking around and noticing things that will need to be packed that I can't currently do anything about, e.g., my lamp, my sheets/blankets/pillows, and bathroom things. Sorry, I actually sort of need those at the moment. I am legitimately concerned about whether I can shove everything into my car at this rate. If worse comes to worst though, I should be able to store some things at J's place until we can come pick it up in May. Argh, stress!

Honestly, I am much more stressed now than I was while doing exams, which is weird because 'm not actually on a deadline since I can choose when I'm leaving... Still...

I am half-afraid one of my tires is going to blow out on me while driving back, but it might be paranoia speaking. I'm taking the southerly route so there shouldn't be much if any snow (also I should be on giant interstates anyway), but (insert irrational panic) should I get my car's oil changed and get a check-up before I go?! I'm also tempted to leave at, like, 3am and just miss out on the traffic since I'm going to have to drive in the dark regardless. This way I'll end up at home earlier too.

Oh moving in the winter, I hate you. Let's never do this again.

Now I will inhale some coffee because, yeah, caffeine withdrawl headaches are a sad part of the life of an addict, i.e., me. Also I will eat some food and watch some Top Chef because it is that or have a needless stress meltdown. Option B is the wrong answer here.

catching up on catching you up

2010-12-08T21:16:00.000-05:00

News from the exam front:

I received my score from my MPRE this week and passed comofortably: I am sufficiently ethical to practice law! Granted, that is not a very high standard. Which is probably more or less indicative of the reality of things, as I am not very ethical anyway. Ethics only get in the way! Sort of like laws. If we didn't have laws, as J said today while we were studying, we would have no crime! Easy solution. In any case, my scores were sent to NY because if I take a bar exam, it will be for NY, which is most internationally applicable (and is accepted for working in DC as well - handily done, DC; I approve).

So here is an adventure in exam-taking: yesterday's exam, Evidence, I took in the morning. It was a three hour thing with short answer and a multiple choice section - not the funnest of ways to spend three hours on a Tuesday morning, but since when is law school fun? I finished the test, pressed save+exit on my exam software, and then every student's exam nightmare became reality: ExamSoft, the exam program, blandly informs me there was an error in the saving+exiting process and that my computer would now reboot. Upon reboot, I was advised by the program to seek proctor. We have no aid to give you in your time of despair, is what the program essentially said to me, heartlessly.

The error? Your exam file can't be found!

My face? Something like D: Actually.

So I got to spend the next hour chasing down proctors, computer technicians, and the registrar, only to end up calling ExamSoft and having them remotely access my computer and alter the back-up file of my exam from the back-up format into the accepted format, then upload and submit that.

Good times were had by all.

By which I mean that once I got to lunch (an hour late), I decided this exam adventure warranted delicious sushi and some alcohol. I was successful in achieving both, at least. But it's over and it's fine: I didn't end up frantically typing made-up rules of Evidence and filling in bubbles at random for nothing.

In food news? I had some brie with fig jam on crackers a week or so ago: so fucking delicious I couldn't get it out of my head. How delicious does this look? It is about 100x more delicious to eat.

Some recipes. Yum. Get me some and I will live off this for the rest of exam period.

everything all the time, stolen from the world

2010-12-03T18:02:00.000-05:00

This is the year I stopped writing.

forever on a path of no return

2010-11-10T12:43:00.000-05:00

Oh, look at how good I am about maintaining a blog: abysmal. Can I lay the blame on this being my last semester here in St. Louis? 3L year is apparently hell on motivation, as in I lack any whatsoever.

Overall the semester's going fairly well, though. Dealing with the logistics of being in Singapore next semester, keeping up with Liverpool, and maintaining the utmost celebrity crush on Tom Hardy, who is too much of a paradox to exist as a real person (an amalgamation of everything I never thought I'd like in a guy but do when it's him). Also, Joseph Gordon-Levitt is highly relevant to my interests, but mostly in a shallow damn-he-looks-good-in-a-suit way.

Clearly my mind's been on law recently...

In that vein, I took October trips to visit L in DC and then to visit C in Chicago, meeting up with L and L. Good times were had. Memories were made. No law was learned. And yet I'm totally okay with that.

Just another two weeks of pretending I care about school until Thankgiving! Flying home to NC to see family and eat until I burst; looking forward to it and also HP next Friday!

coasting on these august waves

2010-08-15T20:38:00.001-04:00

So the reason I've been so AWOL since coming back to NC is that the day after I get home, on Friday, a ton of my mom's old college roommates and classmates have come into town for a 30 year reunion type thing. She and J's dad know the same people, so it's an assortment of random Chinese people come from all over the US (Cali, Philly, STL, Toronto even...) to congregate here for the weekend to catch up and then head out to the beach for three days. So that's been busy and loud and full of Chinese! I've helped entertain some (actually exercising Chinese skills, omg, they are so rusty) and have otherwise hid out some too.

We then headed out to the beach for a week: Emerald Isle, NC. There was a house and it was full of people and the beach was lovely, the water was warm, and much food and relaxation (and mahjong) was had by all. I am now home and ridiculously tan and whining about skin cancer to all who will put up with me. It was a ton of fun though. FB contains all my pictures.

In some other updates -- my brother's voice has dropped! What is this growing up business, really? Still, J's little brother John (now seven, attending second grade, utterly adorable) remains my surrogate little brother. He's a total sweetheart and he makes me ridiculously happy. I sort of wish I'd been older and better able to appreciate my own brother's cuteness at that age; when he was 7, however, I was 16 and surly about him in the way of all teenage girls, I suppose. Now it's his turn to be the sullen teenager...

Also, I finally got around to reading and finishing The White Road by Lynn Flewelling and I enjoyed it much more than Shadows Return. But mostly it makes me crave the first two books of the series but I suppose I am glad that the series is continuing. I am also excited for Lorna Freeman's The Flames of Reckoning, though that will be ages before it's complete, much less out for public consumption. :(

In movie news, I watched RockNRolla, a ridiculous Guy Ritchie movie about London gangsters with British accents, heists and intrigue and action, and Tom fucking Hardy. His part was minor but I sort of rolled over in glee every single time he was on screen. He was fantastic as Handsome Bob. I wanted to hug him a lot when I didn't want to lick him, I DON'T KNOW, MY HORMONES ARE OUT OF WHACK WHEN IT COMES TO TOM HARDY. God. I want a sequel to this movie. (Or "This Means War". Right the fuck now.) On a more serious note, while Tom Hardy didn't have a huge role in the movie, I think he did a very good job acting and getting into his character. I will get on his and JGL's other movies soonish!

I was going to watch Velvet Goldmine today but instead watched EPL: Liverpool v. Arsenal. Cole got redcarded during his debut, ahh, I hope he is all right physically; Stevie played and looked absolutely fit; Nando was subbed in late in the second half and everyone sang his song (which delights me because fuck yeah TORRES TORRES); Agger might have gotten a concussion; and poor Reina scored an own goal in the 90th or so minute to equalize after a long Liverpool lead. ;__;. But I have faith in my team! And, yes, I suppose I've acceded to the fact that they are my team now. I will work on being a proper fan.

Ugh, I don't want to think about the RL I must face in a week, heading back to STL to pack and move and prep for the fall semester. This semester will be wretched busy with classes and work and Note editing and MPRE-studying (fucking ethics, how do they work) and form-filling (to hash out visas and applications and things I will need for my spring exchange to Singapore!!!).

But for now, I am content in these last vestiges of summer break.

lose yourself in a collective summer dream

2010-07-31T18:03:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was National Cheesecake Day! So cheesecake was half off at The Cheesecake Factory - and that of course meant I had to drive over and pick up a slice, because you don't pass up a chance like that! I got fresh strawberry, which is just original with strawberries & whipped cream and it was like a little piece of culinary heaven. I have low standards, whatever. :D I'm also craving TCF's Jamaican black pepper shrimp like a mofo, but the crowds at the restaurant yesterday were out of control crazy: because it was Friday night, of course, but also because of the 1/2 price cheesecake. I'll get my shrimp another day...

I watched the first episode of the BBC's new series Sherlock last night. Modern day Sherlock Holmes, and it was fun! It makes me want to reread the Sherlock Holmes books and dive back into mystery books; I can't remember a lot of the Agatha Christie I've read, so let's do that...

Unrelated to that: on Tuesday, I met up with J and H and C at the MUNY (outdoor ampitheater - is that redundant?) to watch a production of The Sound of Music.

It was lovely. ♥ Okay, it was hot and muggy as hell, but the production itself was lovely. I loved the sets and sort of wish I'd done theater in school, ever... But the singers were all very good and very reminiscent of the movie. It also brought back all these memories of my childhood; The Sound of Music was my mom's favorite movie and I've seen it so many times. I still have most of all the songs memorized. I remember singing them all the time.

It's also been ages since I've seen it since I've become an ~adult~, so it was with a new perspective. The duet between Maria and Captain von Trapp, Something Good, made me tear up because it's just so lovely. It was my mom's favorite song from the movie and I remember not understanding why as a kid - it was boring and slow and not full of kids being cute. Now that I'm a little more grown up, I think I have a better idea. :)

(There was also a lot of "woman belongs to man" sentiments that made me roll my eyes with my new adult perspective and knowledge, but I know what time period it's from and, yeah, nostalgia-colored glasses make me a little indulgent.)

I've also resolved that if I'm ever to write again, I will have to be drunk. The mental block is strong with me.

I have other thoughts floating around my head but I don't feel like articulating them right now. :/ I will conclude by saying that I'm feeling sort of off today - gotta have to get over that if I want to plan out my week. A dinner party with people tomorrow (jerk chicken and rum punch!), oil change appointment on Monday, gotta pack to go home, and so on...

can you feel the change in your bones?

2010-07-22T12:44:00.000-04:00

And if your plane fell out of the skies
Who would you call with your last goodbye?
Should be so careful who we left out of our lives
And when we long for absolution, there will be no one on the line

Let's try again. Breaking it down to its simplest form: don't put life on hold to have an existential crisis about what you want. Figure it out while living your life as it is before you.

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day
To turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell 'em that we love 'em while we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we're dying

I've never been a music person. But, suddenly, it's like I'm listening again - and the words matter. (The words have always mattered though; I just wasn't paying attention.)

the future is like the ocean...

2010-07-05T13:14:00.000-04:00

...it stretches infinitely into the horizon if only I could look past what is directly in front of me.

I'd suggest you take another look at your priorities

2010-07-01T19:29:00.001-04:00

When someone tells you that something you do/say is racist or could very easily be construed as racist (because it is not 100% clear just what the hell you're doing; we aren't mind-readers, sorry) even if you didn't intend for the action/words to be so--

Of course, naturally, the first reaction is to gasp in outrage and exclaim vociferously that it is just so rude and hurtful that someone might be calling your, explicitly or implicitly, racist. Do people not know who you are? Of course you couldn't possibly ever be racist or say or do racist things. Being talked at like you have, or did, even unintentionally - by gods, that is just unacceptable! No one should treat you like you're ignorant.

Because being treated like you're ignorant or racist is "probably not much different than having your culture shunted for lighter skin."

Right.

The Last Airbender: a fucking disgrace.

2010-06-30T14:37:00.001-04:00

When you choose to pay to see The Last Airbender, you are paying to support institutionalized racism. If you don't get why, ask me. If you're going to see it anyway, knowing why it's problematic, you are effectively telling me that my experiences - my feelings and stories and LIFE - as a minority are secondary to your 2 hours of whitewashed entertainment.

And now for the emotional response:

I wish people were not so fucking ignorant and lazy and would take the time to educate themselves when they see that someone is really upset about something and maybe think, hey, I should check out why they're so upset not just be like "lol why are you upset, PLEASE EXPLAIN THINGS TO ME BC I AM NOT MOTIVATED ENOUGH TO LEARN ON MY OWN". And I know I'm just angry & hurt right now, I know that if we want to really educate people on WHY SOME SHIT SUCKS we really (unfairly) have to do that reaching out, but right now I am just so fucking tired of it, tired of people wallowing lazily in their own privilege and ignorance and not taking the initiative to maybe learn some shit on their own. TLA is seriously affecting me more than I thought it would. At first it was just a cause, a signal boost, to get people aware of the problems and how not okay it was, but somehow now it's personal and hearing people's arguments defending it and accusing people who care of reverse racism and being too sensitive and dismissing our feelings & experiences & EVERYTHING - now it just hurts. I'm not just angry, I am fucking personally hurt. /over-emotional, possibly teary right now, fuck.

I sort of expect to be disappointed by everyone in the world right now, including people I AM close with. Just, fuck, it still hurts. It's personal. It's them essentially saying "I don't care about YOU", I don't think your opinions are valid, I am not going to listen to what you say because I like my ignorance or my privilege just fine.

In fact, I just got an email from some friends I was making plans to see Twilight/Eclipse with (drunkenly to mock) and they said, "Sorry to change the subject but I'll be watching TLA this weekend, if any of you want to join" and I sort of am this close to tears right now. Fuck. They're so so informed on gay rights/feminist issues, some of them ARE PoC, I can't believe they haven't heard the crap about this movie. I can't believe it. I emailed them back with links and basically begging them to not go see it but, dear God, I can't deal with this. How are people so willingly to be blind to these things? I am so upset; this is so fucking personal, and I DARE anyone to tell me not to care or not care so much or that it's not a big deal. I can't deal with this right now.

champagne apocalypse: oh god k i'm still worked up about tla right now
champagne apocalypse: angry/hurt slkghfj i don't even want to talk to people rn bc i know i wouldn't be rational
champagne apocalypse: i'd just be like SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP also FUCK YOU
champagne apocalypse: aslgdkh & that's not exactly productive
champagne apocalypse: this REALLY brings home to me how shitty the tone argument is though
champagne apocalypse: basically saying i'm not going to listen to you can't be polite & rational about it. WELL FUCK YOU this is personal, this hurts, this makes me angry and upset and emotional. thanks for trivializing that and saying i should just get over it if i want to convince you that my opinions & feelings are legitimate.

Eating lunch, taking a nap, I don't even fucking know. Don't talk to me.

don't make me promises; baby you never did know how to keep them well

2010-06-28T12:07:00.000-04:00

My entire life is the WC right now. Well, no, not really. But it's the only part I want to talk about right now because if I focus on the other bits, I will just be depressed. Already feeling extremely "meh" physically and mentally and emotionally recently; my appetite has been fucked over and...other things. Whatever. Let's not dwell on the depressing things right now.

Ironically, of course, the first thing that I want to talk about is England's 4-1 loss to Germany.

I can't even be heartbroken because I'm too pissed. The England NT is shit and played like shit. Germany was amazing and I love them. Not only are they cute, they were also incredibly clinical and efficient, so unselfish in their playing - they passed so well and they worked together as a team. Podolski, you are so adorable. :D Özil, Schweinsteiger, Klose, Müller, Neuer, oh man - what an incredible goalkeeper. Even if you did con the ref and admit to it later. Regardless, mad props all around for Germany. They are now #2 team in my heart, right after Spain. I don't know their chances against Argentina but I am cheering for them!

Though, to be fair, the score should have been 4-2. England's second goal was clearly a goal and having it disallowed was pure crap. I still have a lot of pent-up rage about that (fucking ref, fucking FIFA) but I can't say that would have changed the outcome of the game considering how England was playing. (Really awfully.)

Always excepted from my yelling about England is Stevie G. Stevie, I'm sorry your NT sucked but I love you forever and always. ♥ He is so much class, you guys:

“If you look at the game as a whole we’ve been beaten by the better team. Had Frank’s goal counted it could have been a turning point in the game, but we can’t use that as an excuse. They’ve scored four goals and we only got one, which tells its own story.

“We made too many mistakes as a team. Germany were more organised than us and were more clinical. They got in five or six times and scored four goals so you’ve got to give them credit.”

I'm keeping up with the other matches, of course, but nothing will stress me except Spain now. They play Portugal tomorrow and I am already nerve-wracked. I am also hungry so I'm probably going to look into food instead of languishing here with further thoughts about the World Cup. I feel like I keep repeating myself anyway; there's nothing new to report! Or I am just too lazy, which is always a valid possibility.

celebres con el equipo de fútbol español~

2010-06-21T18:36:00.000-04:00

Ahh football! There is so much I want to talk about but I guess I shouldn't constantly spam, right? But the Italy v. New Zealand game yesterday! The Brazil v. Côte D'Ivoire game! The fact that Kaká was red-carded - unbelievable. And while part of me enjoyed that (the part that likes drama, especially with teams that are not mine), I have to say: he elbowed the CIV guy in the chest, and the CIV player went down clutching his face. Ehhh. But I'll take it as trade-off for the second goal which was an unbelievably blatant double handball, fuck that shit. What was up with that ref?

Anyway, I was watching the Brazil game in a café with wireless but broken A/C. So the HDTV was nice and a ton of people had their laptops out, which amused me, but it was so disgustingly sweaty and hot. I watched Spain's game today in a pub with A/C, which was infinitely better. I had a work meeting at 11 that I carefully scheduled around the Spain game, haha. I have priorities, can't you tell?

I was so nervous about the Spain v. Honduras game because I always get anxious about my favorites; they managed to pull off the win they needed, which makes me happy! But they really should have scored more (Villa should have definitely not missed that penalty kick, for instance - and he'd have gotten a hat trick too, oh Dahveed). The goal differential is going to be important come the round 3 games; Spain you'll need to defeat Chile and with a good number of goals just to be on the safe side. Switzerland and Honduras - couldn't you tie at 0-0? That would be super, thanks.

In other sports news, Federer almost lost today to an unranked player, dropping the first two sets and winning the fourth set by the skin of his teeth. I'm not going to lie, I laughed. He will never be my favorite, sorry. Roddick did fine, of course, and Nole...had to go to five sets but also pulled off a win. Man. "Latest Wimbledon match of all time", they say: it ended at 11:41pm. I guess Wimbledon likes to end early... Anyway, as always, my heart is for Rafa. :) ¡Vamos Rafa!

And ¡viva España! Happy day~

In non-sports news, I saw Toy Story 3 Friday night and I definitely recommend it. I did not go in expecting to like it considering I was tired of the Toy Story franchise after the first movie, but Pixar managed to not disappoint. They surprised me, in a good way. :) The movie is really touching and sad at bits, but also really, really funny. There is a lot of action/drama that is melodramatic but the movie never takes itself seriously, so it's all in fun. We watched it in a full theater with families and kids, so there was a lot of group laughter and applause, which added to the experience, I think. I'd go see it again, frankly speaking.

The short at the beginning was also incredibly charming and possibly one of my favorites. I do think they got a little heavy-handed with the message (via the radio) when they could've been more subtle...but I guess subtle goes over a lot of people's heads... Anyway! Yes. The entire movie is recommended.

Other movies I am excited about: Despicable Me, Eclipse (I have no shame; I will totally watch and mock), and Tangled! The preview for that was really cute. Disney's take on Rapunzel, with a twist? I am intrigued. Can't think of anything else atm except, oh yes, PLEASE DO NOT PAY MONEY TO WATCH THE LAST AIRBENDER. If you have to ask why...

This is why.

Last round of games for group stages kick off tomorrow! Estoy muy emocionado.

a rollercoaster of emotions for good and bad and football

2010-06-20T18:53:00.001-04:00

The past week has been a mix of emotions for me: a lot of anger and a lot excitement. The anger, frustration, and resignation stemmed from a lot of serious discussions on topics like racism, white privilege, and whether (or how) "intent" factors into that. Yet, despite how frustrating and exhausting it can be to engage with people, I have to say in the end I'm really grateful that I have friends willing to talk about these things with me, even if some of them disagree with me or approach the argument from (what I think is) a somewhat skewed or privileged standpoint. Honestly, I know a lot of people who find it easy to say "how awful!" and then move on without really thinking more of the situation or topic and its implications and how it might affect their life.

That made me wonder: Is it unfair of me to want everyone to engage in these topics? Honestly speaking I was not seriously engaging in these issues until this past half year or so (though of course up 'til then I'd always said, "yes I'm liberal, yes I'm pro-whatever, and so on). But now that I've started caring, I sort of wish everyone else would too. I don't necessarily expect them to and I understand that mindset to an extent, since I was stuck there for so long, but it still saddens me. I feel like a lot of people do care about these issues but don't engage. I don't know how to make people want to engage but...that's probably not something another person can force on them. They have to come to that point in perspective on their own.

A friend said to me: "So many people are already talking about this so eloquently and I don't have much to add/I'm afraid I'll bungle my words/thoughts."

I was in this place for a long time; I'm still kind of there, which is why I link people to what other people say so often. But the more we read, the more we understand and are better to formulate and frame our own words and arguments. So that makes me hopeful that I will slowly become more eloquent. And there is nothing wrong with linking to or quoting other people's words either. :)

Related to this, I was reflecting a while back about how we should confront friends/family about these issues and when it's worth it - it's a balance, definitely. I guess for now the best thing we can do is to go by our gut of what is the right thing to do.

But in more lighthearted news, I have been completely swept up in the fever excitement of the 2010 World Cup. It is a lot of fun to care about something the rest of the world is so excited about too!

Some things to know about me & the World Cup:

#1) Everything I know about football I've learned in the past two weeks, since the WC started. My more knowledgeable friends, wikipedia, and random commentary informs most of what I know.

#2) I will use "football" because that is what it is, dammit, and anyway - all the people flailing with me about it are non-USA friends and they all use that term.

#3) An offshoot of above, I don't feel bad at all that the USA is not my first team because why should I have national loyalty in this sport to a country that can't even use the proper term for it and also refuses to understand what the hell the "pitch" is. /JUDGES FOREVER ): But I do still support USMNT because Capt. America is hot, unf. (This is, uh, sarcastic and I am not seriously judging anyone. Just to clarify.)

#4) I am totally, ridiculously, shamelessly shallow about hot footballers. I am all about the shirtlessness and the jersey-swapping, oh yeah. Maybe weirdly, the five teams (England, Spain, Germany, USA, S. Korea) I whole-heartedly support are not chosen on the basis of good looks alone.

#5) Mocking Cristiano Ronaldo is one of my joys in life.

#6) Steven Gerrard is my ONE TRUE LOVE. Even though England is consistently overrated in the WC and did not impress me with their game against the USA and pissed me off badly in their game against Algeria. Somehow I still love them, though I am saddened that they do not live up to expectations of awesomeness.

#7) I tweet like mad during the games. I have basically watched all the games (granted, the super early ones like the one this morning between Slovakia and Paraguay I only catch the last few minutes of because I don't care that much, but I will unfortunately be up at dawn tomorrow to catch Portugal against North Korea). I find myself hilarious. It is really a lie, though.

I will not go into more detail about individual games because there has been a lot of rage and frustration and dramatic cries of "no, why, why are you breaking my heart!" and also lots of cursing at refs. But I will be going to a pub tomorrow to watch the Spain v. Honduras game and cheering madly for España. Let's just leave it at that and hope Spain does not, again, rompa mi corazón.

I will add, though, that it's sort of nice to just be depressed by shallow things like World Cup games for a change instead of DEPRESSED BY HOW MUCH HUMANITY SUCKS.

will I sweat and bleed for you? I will.

2010-06-15T00:53:00.000-04:00

I've been dealing with a lot of heavy-hitting topics in the past couple days: rape (and inherent misogyny), exploitation of race, racism... (I may go into these in slightly more detail in a future post.) I should be glad that dialogue has been had and that learning has been done and that privilege is being examined. I am glad. As painful and difficult as these issues can be, they merit my (and others') care and attention; they merit the time and effort it takes to explain to others why what was said or done was offensive or problematic. As I've told people: in a selfish way, I'm glad I care about these things because they make me feel like less shitty of a person. They make me feel that I am still capable of caring. I don't ever want to be so selfish as to want to close my eyes and ears to everything and stop caring, however much I may postulate it sometimes.

But all that aside, caring is still exhausting. I knew that going in and I think it's worth it but— But I'm just really tired right now.

a meandering tale of summer

2010-06-10T01:02:00.000-04:00

Argh, job-hunting woes. All I'm looking for is some part-time summer/fall work, please! Any income would be great at this point. CB&W may hire for the fall ugh. Borders, call me back right now! Maybe B&N is hiring too?

In other news, there is no real news. I am torn between missing people and thinking I should reach out more via phone calls and feeling incredibly introverted and prone to isolation. I'm pretty sure the latter is not really the healthiest of choices, especially in light needing to maintain friendships, but it is so much easier! Why do I always try for the path of least resistance? I know better. I also know I feel much happier/more satisfied/more accomplished when I have worked against the path of least resistance and have actually accomplished something. Still.

I have again lapsed into losing the creative urges, so my word count so far this year is abysmally low. Such is the theme of this summer, I suspect, much unlike last summer. I feel pretty blasé about that - which probably concerns me more than the low word count or lack of writing. Shouldn't I be more upset that I'm not feeling the drive to write that I used? I remember being so unhappy whenever I couldn't write before. Now I sort of just shrug and dismiss it and continue reading/living/whatever.

Some random thoughts on:

Food
I have a love affair with milk tea, man. Not even bubble tea (unless it's the freshly made authentic/homemad kind), but milk tea itself. It would surpass my love of coffee if only it kept me ramped up like coffee does but, well, coffee's effect is probably mostly in my head but, my, those are some mighty powerful effects. This reminds me that I need to just suck it up and go buy a coffeemaker tomorrow.

(In related news, I was thrilled by the Top Chef Masters finale tonight. I think I enjoy it more than regular Top Chef for a number of reasons that I am too lazy to list out at the moment.)

Kpop
My thoughts on kpop are this: apparently SS3 is running from August to next April. I'm in Singapore next spring (Jan-May) and if they happen to have a tour date in Singapore or Malaysia during that time, I will go. Otherwise, whatever. I'm pretty disappointed that the Wonder Girls/2AM concert in St. Louis was cancelled though. Sunye!

Life in general
I keep feeling vaguely stressed (or dissatisfied?) by life and I'm not entirely sure why: maybe it's the lack of job. Maybe it's just this humming under my skin about not feeling productive enough. Let's face the facts: a lifetime of pushing hard and being told to push harder to meet expectations, that you're not meeting your potential, and that you can always (and should always) do better - it's hard to know what it means to "relax". A little part of you's always going to be whispering: hey, do you know all the things you could be doing with this time instead, you procrastinating slacker? Even if another part of you argues that, dude, there's only one life and you need to experience so many aspects of it to truly know what living's like.

/end philosophical meandering into the psyche

where do your draw your lines in the sand?

2010-06-06T16:51:00.000-04:00

Query: What constitutes being a good friend? Supporting them no matter what happens, because friendships mean you always know whose back you've got - or calling a friend out on their stupidity and potentially hurtful behavior, whether hurtful to them or to others?

I'd like to think it's the latter, as long as that calling out is still done with love and support. Sometimes that ends up in having to walk away from the friendship though, after repeated failed attempts, and that's kind of a terrifying thought. How far do you push? How many second or third chances do you give? How do you decide when enough is enough?

On the flip side, there are so many people who seem to opt for the first choice because there is less confrontation involved. Is that really the healthiest manifestation of friendship? Some people seem to think so, and take that blind leap of faith to support and defend a friend without examining the situation in further detail. Is that what friendship means, that you're not supposed to be objective or impartial? You should be biased towards your loved ones. But to what extent? Surely not to the point where you're encouraging harmful behavior.

There is so much gray area and undefined lines in our world of relationships.

The real bitch of the irony is this: I can be objective when it comes to my friends, but hell if I can apply the same standards to family. Family is something I am stupidly blind and defensive over and even if I can acknowledge their faults, no one else is allowed the same privilege of criticism.

In other news, I am discovering (belatedly) the music of McFly, am slowly making my way through my books, and am thinking about which movies deserve to be rewatched. Ocean's 11 is always fair game!

this post brought to you by TMI

2010-05-30T23:49:00.000-04:00

I have been feeling distressingly restless these past few days - I don't want a relationship because I know that I am not emotionally ready for that, but I want some physical action, dammit. I want to be part of one of those obnoxious tipsy couples making out in the backseat of someone's car while said someone is longsuffering and driving people around. I want to commit some annoying PDA and get glared at. I want some attention, directed solely at me, and I want some touch.

It's hard to feel so young sometimes, like I have never known what the world offers. It's hard to feel so old sometimes, like I've let slip past all my opportunities.

too tentative to commit to the words

2010-05-28T01:53:00.000-04:00

This is the summer and future unrolled before us in a wide expanse of the unknown. It feels like an ending. Everything is changing.

(It feels like a beginning.)

does it feel like stagnation?

2010-05-21T23:21:00.000-04:00

Back in STL, tired all the time, and seeking to put off RL as much as I can. I met with my work supervisor this afternoon and that went well - most of my projects/assignments I can do from home with occasional meetings. I'll also have plenty of time to look for a paying part-time job but god knows if there are any of those left. I'll have to keep hunting though. Will be moving my stuff slowly but surely over to my summer residence - first I have to clean up all the junk I've accumulated here. Throwing out a bunch of crap first makes the rest of the moving easier, right? I think I still need to get some boxes and packing tape though, and then bug some guys to help me with my furniture eventually.

I've been feeling entirely antisocial recently and I'm not sure for the cause of it. Did get to see A and J one last time before I left NC so that was fun (♥) but when I'll next see them again, I have no idea.

Apparently the Wonder Girls are coming to St. Louis though. I had no idea but apparently I'm going. :) Should be fun.

Hopefully things will pick up once I've gotten my stuff moved and settled for the summer. Mostly, though, I am tired.

shut up and listen to me

2010-05-13T22:38:00.000-04:00

A lot of straight men are uncomfortable with the idea of homosexuality or finding themselves in a situation where they need to check everything a gay man tells them for sexual innuendo. God knows why but it creeps them out. That said, most of these men will not go out of their way to beat up homosexuals in shady alleys, you know? This shit is not black and white. Yes, bigoted comments are douchey, but raging at the kid about homophobia will not solve anything. Hell, in my experience, raging at any straight male who finds homosexuality "weird", "creepy", "sick" or something in-between will only send them into a defensive rage, and then there you are, snarling at each other like animals. I'm sure there has to be a solution, but I'm also sure it does not involve "beating sense" into anyone, literally or figuratively.

Me:

I definitely agree it's a kneejerk kind of reaction from my straight male friends too, and also this: "It's sad, it's a fucking shame, but that's how it is."

But I don't think that makes it okay, even if that's how it is.

Passive homophobia, to me, is still homophobia. Even if they aren't going out to beat people up or try to make gay people feel discriminated against or vulnerable, their reaction still enforces the fact that homophobia is not the norm, and not acceptable. Their values will be passed on to their kids, to other people they know and associate with. It's not just about "that one gay friend they have that they're okay with", it's about an entire institution of homophobia and bigotry and prejudice that they're helping reinforce.

Is it okay for someone to burn a cross on someone's lawn as long as they don't hurt them physically? Is it okay to make homophobic jokes as long as you don't call someone a faggot to his face?

I don't think so. Obviously, not everyone agrees with me but... I don't think it's okay to be homophobic or racist or sexist as long as you are less homophobic or racist or sexist as someone else.

That all said, I do agree with your conclusion that "beating sense" into anyone is not really going to...work. As fondly as some people might dream of that.

I saw a lot of comments which basically dismiss the relevance of social pressure and the knee-jerk, conditioned response of most heterosexual men at the mere mention of male homosexuality, and I just can't agree with that. My brother would probably act all weirded out around a gay person and possibly try to avoid them, but he would never, ever hurt them intentionally, be it in a verbal or physical way. It's sad, it's a fucking shame, but that's how it is. If we can't accept first that acceptance doesn't come to everyone naturally, then how can we call ourselves more accepting than them? :|

If we can't accept first that acceptance doesn't come to everyone naturally, then how can we call ourselves more accepting than them?

This is very true. It's actually pretty hypocritical, to not accept the unaccepting for being unaccepting. But that said, if the target is the comment, then I don't see a problem. [...]

Me:

I sort of violently disagree with this statement: It's actually pretty hypocritical, to not accept the unaccepting for being unaccepting.

Why should I be accepting of a racist or a bigot? Why should I have to? "Oh, sorry, I understand you're raised that way, you can't help the fact that you're a homophobe or that you hate all black people or that you think women are naturally inferior to men. Sorry, I should respect your views as a an unaccepting bigot because you can't help being that way."

No.

I don't think it's hypocritical not to be accepting of bigots. That implies that there is no objective truth, that it all depends, that they might be right and their opinions should be given weight. I don't think they're right. I think they're wrong. And I don't want to accept their views.

I like your reply, because that's the truth, plain and simple. To accept them is to give them the idea that their way of thinking is just as justifiable and proper as yours. And it gives them support to continue that way.

It isn't to say that you need to be accepting of racism or bigotry, but I guess to be accepting of the fact that they are not always the ones who control their own viewpoint. I very much believe that we are shaped by the environment we grow up in. Of course we can change, of course there are some things we should realize when they slap us right in the face, but not everybody goes through the same experiences and some mindsets are more difficult to change than others.

That implies that there is no objective truth, that it all depends, that they might be right and their opinions should be given weight. I don't think they're right. I think they're wrong. And I don't want to accept their views.

[...]

For me, reaction can be just as important as the original action. I think it's much more beneficial for the relationship of both sides to say, "I understand you live in a society that thinks this, but why don't you reanalyze what you're saying and look at it from this point of view, instead." It's only when anyone adamantly refuses to even consider other options that I basically stop accepting them into my life, along with their opinions.

Me:

Maybe it's just semantics then, because the sentence "If we can't accept first that acceptance doesn't come to everyone naturally, then how can we call ourselves more accepting than them?" says to me very clearly that we should be accepting of the unaccepting or we will be hypocrites.

Yes, we should try to understand the context they exist in. Yes, society and environment is a huge factor. I'm not proposing that we all hate all homophobes forever (if I did, I would be hating my own family forever). I'm saying that while context is definitely important if we are trying to reach out to these people and help them understand, we should not accept their viewpoints as legitimate even if we know "where they're coming from". Because that means we're giving validity to the idea that gays are something to be feared, or whatever.

...in the end, I think we're actually agreeing on the point that we should acknowledge and recognize why they believe certain things. Mostly.

Then I start to question: why do we have to be so understanding and accepting and trying so damn fucking hard to educate ignorant people when they are the ones in the wrong? I shouldn't have to teach the privileged bigots why they're wrong.

listen up: fuck you

2010-05-10T22:19:00.001-04:00

Can we talk about victim-blaming and how very much Not Okay I am with it? Can we talk about how entirely shocking, depressing, and horrifying it is to realize that some of my closest friends participate in it? Can we talk about the fact that I do want to educate them about the problems associated with it, but sometimes I can't even talk to them about the subject without wanting to tear my hair out and scream about their just world fallacy?

Let me make this clear: VICTIM BLAMING IS NOT OKAY. And if you try to do that to my face, I will be furious.

ETA: How appropriate that I find this post (on how marginalized groups are often thrust into teaching roles and how they should not be obligated to educate others who should be educating themselves) the day after I post?

this world we leave behind us

2010-05-09T11:38:00.000-04:00

Happy Mother's Day! I'm flying home to NC today so I will be able to greet my mom personally.

This morning, I packed up my winter clothes to take back to Raleigh and leave there; I'll be home at least a week before driving back. There are tentative plans to hang out with A and J (maybe V too?). I'd like to go to the beach while I'm at home, appreciate it while it's close, because Missouri is out in the middle of nowhere. Not sure yet if I'll be going with friends or family - my mom's going to be busy this week, but we'll see about the weekend.

Theres a lot to do after I get back to MO, too, but there's not too much I can do about that right now. My aunt invited me to visit New York sometime this summer, which would be nice. If I can get a part-time job and make some money, I would like to do that - meet up with S too and let her drag me over to NJ for an amazing Korean food experience. Best I can do considering my lack of ability to go to Asia this summer. I also dream of the day I can meet up with M again... :(

As for now, I'm crazy into a weird mix of music right now: old non-single SJ songs, Adam Lambert, and Steve Carlson and Jason Mann featuring Jensen. Damn, Jensen.

I really have nothing else to say. I should finish packing up my electronics, I guess, then eat some food before heading off to the airport.

it's funny: I always have the words for other people

2010-04-29T23:53:00.000-04:00

So it's weird because I was feeling like this yesterday too. The whole "what is the point? why am I doing this?" and "I WILL NEVER BE HAPPY". It is all very dramatic, just like you said, but it doesn't stop being scary or discouraging.

I guess I just want to say I empathize and that, no matter how hard it is for me, I think in the end we can just do our best. I don't think most people have a fixed goal in mind with happiness - and those who do may not be totally realistic. We should spend our lives striving not for some imaginary future happiness but to better ourselves, love ourselves, do something good with what we have. And, like you said, appreciate it.

I don't think you're bland or useless or unlovable. I think you're far too human for that. :) I think you have passion and you have joy and you have sorrow. You care, and you're a friend, and you are smart and capable and it's hardest to convince ourselves (I know how hard it is to convince myself) but I hope it helps a little just to hear the words, even if from someone else.

Now it's only a matter of learning to listen to myself. Or maybe listen to myself less, because I tend to overthink, to panic, to gasp at life like I can't risk the pause to breathe.

plastic smiles on our plastic lives

2010-04-28T21:59:00.000-04:00

When people tell me they admire me, I feel like a fraud. They don't know how hard it is sometimes and how much I want to give up. C says she's proud of me for keeping on, despite the struggles. She doesn't know the struggles. She doesn't know that keeping on is merely inertia, not strength of will. I don't know how to stop.

When I see how scared other people are, I feel like a fraud. They have real worries and real fears. They face things I have never or will never, and I should be grateful. They face things I've gone through myself, but I don't know what to say because it's not like I've overcome my own fears. How can I give comfort or advice?

I feel like a fraud either way. I wish I were brave enough to carry on through, one way or the other. I'm afraid of this gray area and narrow space, tunnel vision to the ground because I'm too scared to look back or look forward.

I feel like I don't deserve the right to be afraid, because I'm a fraud.

我的真情不再随便给

2010-04-28T18:04:00.000-04:00

What does it mean to know someone? What does it mean to love someone?

They say you can never really know someone without personal interaction, the brutal honesty of eye contact and shared space. They say you cannot know someone without seeing them at their worst, at their lowest, in desperate situations or in unexpected ones. They say you cannot love them if you do not know them.

Why is this so?

What does it mean to know someone? It's nothing more than how much trust you extend to them, how much honesty you receive in return. How do you draw the contours of knowledge and the boundaries of truth? What is knowledge but the dissemination of truth? And what is truth if not the honesty in someone's eyes or in their smile, honesty in words and in laughter and in tears and in gratitude. There is truth in the way they live every day, in the thoughts they think and the words they speak; there is truth in how someone chooses to live their life.

We rarely get the whole picture or the full story, light illuminating every mysterious and unknown corner of a person. Everyone hides in different ways, from different people, carefully selective in who we allow to "know" us. We don masks in our daily lives, switching from one to another in consideration of our audience. No one knows the whole world; we only accept what we see or what we hear or what we experience with a kernel of faith.

Is it fair to ask for someone to be laid bare before us, stripped to the bones of their essence? In life we take what people are willing to give, the light that they choose to shine, and accept with faith their honest choices. This is what is given to us.

What does it mean to love someone if not to trust them?

The concepts of knowledge and truth and love are ill-defined, because words fall short in describing the feeling that suffuses us. No one knows us better than we know ourselves: we know what we feel. We know what it feels like to love.

And if you are in love with a lie - at least you are in love.

(It's never the love you regret, but the lie.)

these are the signs heralding exam period

2010-04-26T14:37:00.000-04:00

The onset of exam period makes certain things true:

1. I will spend more time wasting time because I am an executive procrastinator who finds five gazillion other things she'd like to do once the pressure is on and she is faced with exams and deadlines. Organize my bookshelf? Plan for the summer? Plot novels I will never write? Start blogging again about pointless things? Let's go!

2. I will eat out a lot more because cooking takes up time I must reserve for procrastinating on studying. Oh my credit card bill of the month will undoubtedly make me sad. See? This is why I need to plan for the summer and the job I must acquire to provide myself an income. These things are important - clearly more important than the more imminent exams.

3. I will hate undergrads with a passion. I know and love my share of them as long as they are not actually anywhere in my proximity. Undergrads I encounter and am required to deal with personally make me wish there were a ditch or moat surrounding the law school into which all undergrads fell. They are crawling all over the place when exams approach, desperate to find some place to study that isn't their dorm or their overcrowded undergrad library. Understandable, of course. To which I say: GET THE HELL OUT OF MY SCHOOL, YOUNG DESPICABLE WASTES OF SPACE TAKING UP MY AIR. Or, y'know, with actual curse words substituted in.

4. I will still sleep and eat on a fairly normal basis. This is, I hear and know from experience, somewhat uncommon among the general population come crunch time. But I'm old, all right? I went through my periods of shit-awful no-sleep, too-much-caffeine weeks of all-nighters in college. I burned myself out of them. I just don't think the trade off is worth it: when you're that exhausted and pushing yourself that hard, you're not actually retaining much of what you're trying to cram into your brain. You're much better off making an actual schedule instead of pushing everything off until 3am, getting sleep at night, and, um, eating and drinking like a normal functional human being. Your body will appreciate it and so, probably, will your brain.

5. I will have mood swings. I am having mood swings. Apologies in advance if you have to deal with them except, not really, because I hate everything. Except the few things and people I still love no matter what (it's a short list). But, really, I hate everything. "I wish I knew how to quit you" indeed. My life is reduced to quoting Brokeback Mountain - you realize how sad this is, right?

your youth is a precious gift: what will you do with it?

2010-04-19T00:35:00.002-04:00

So I have young friends. Sometimes I despair that they make me feel old and sometimes I despair that they are so young and so unlearned to the realities of the world (as compared to my grizzled years of wisdom and experience, of course). Usually these declarations of despair are made in jest or at least not in complete seriousness, because I know the thing about youth is that you get the luxury of growing up. It happens, whether you expect or welcome it.

Sometimes, though, I am profoundly grateful that some of my friends are young, because it gives me hope that they will grow up and learn and grow past certain things like wishing rape on people they don't like.

It's never okay to wish that on anyone, even jokingly. It's not a joke. It's not anywhere near funny.

And it is especially not okay, considering the number of women who have been raped, to wish it on another female. Not that male rape isn't a problem or a crime (it is, and an absolutely under-discussed one at that), but considering that 9/10 rape victims are female, it is a particularly significant issue when people continue perpetuating misogynistic viewpoints.

Please, please figure out that This Is Not Okay.

I said something and the friend in particular did not respond, but I hope it at least got her thinking and that she will be more cautious about saying such things in the future.

Another friend flipped out today when she found out that one of her acquaintances has been raped, making it the third person she knew who had encountered some sort of sexual violence or violation. She was shocked. Understandably so, of course, because it never means as much as it does when it's personal. It hurts more when it strikes close to home and is much scarier - terrifying in its reality.

But the first thing I thought was: You know...rape is not nearly as uncommon as you might think.

The statistics say 1 in 3 women worldwide (1 in 6 in the U.S.) have been sexually assaulted in their lifetime, surviving a completed or attempted rape. That is a pretty staggering figure.

But this friend's reaction made me wonder if hers wasn't just a reflection of the way society at large lives in denial or ignorance about the realities of rape. I know I care and I know people around me who do, but I also know people who don't think about things like this, who probably don't because it's never been relevant for them. It's never become a personal problem until someone - maybe them, maybe a friend, maybe a family member - is raped.

Do we have to wait until that point before we start paying attention and caring?

It's not that I think I'm all-knowing. It's not that I think I know so much more than these friends do. But like another friend, K, said: "I learned a lot about the world after a year or two at college". And it's just that: trying to broaden our minds and worlds to at least be more cognizant of all that we don't know. To understand more how much there is to know.

I'm not trying to judge anyone. I am just hoping people will at least be open to growing past their ignorance and being receptive to all there is out there to learn. And sometimes I am grateful for my young friends because that means they have that much more time to learn.

But you're never too old to keep learning and I hope to, even when I am no longer considered "young".

(statistics from:
http://www.rainn.org/get-information/statistics/sexual-assault-victims
http://www2.ucsc.edu/rape-prevention/statistics.html)

The world is composed of judgmental people.

2010-04-14T20:01:00.000-04:00

I am one of those people.

But it's not like I'm not getting judged right back in return.