I was raised in a Christian household--Protestant, though non-demoninational. I grew up in church and for a period in my life--middle school and high school--I attended a small Chinese church (CBCNC ♥) that introduced me to people I grew to love. I was the closest then to God, thanks in part to my youth group--and I still love those people now. A lot of us have drifted away from God now that we're in college, but we all matter to each other in ways that is somehow hard to define, that is somehow different from the way other friends are close to us.
I miss God a lot of times. I miss praying, miss having faith. But part of me just doesn't think I believe the same God I used to--I still believe in a higher being, but it's not the same God that Christianity knows. Maybe I'm just too weak to give up my vices and my material wants to be able to fully put my faith in Him, to give my all to Him, I don't know. I'm always at a loss when people ask me what I believe in, or if I believe, or if I'm Christian.
People have asked me before, "Would you be happier if you did believe?" I don't know how to answer that, not entirely. I believe I would be happier, but my faith would not be in the God the world knows through religion. I don't do religion; I don't like it. It's a man-made structure and faith should be a personal relationship.
This is still something I'm working on. It doesn't occupy all my thoughts all the time, but there are times when everything is falling apart and I'm left wishing I had someone greater than all this to rely on. Or sometimes I see my friends, T or S, who believe, and wish I had the same passion. I wonder if I'll ever find an answer.
