is it the beginning of the end where we stand?

If ever I once knew, I've since forgotten what poetry is like. Sometimes the lines write themselves in my head but perpetually they refuse to crystalize into any form more tangible. They prefer the amorphous, uncaptured state that leaves me dreaming but ultimately unsatisfied.

It's 2012 and either the world will end, or we will be forced to keep on living. Is it so horrid a prospect? There is much to live for, I discovered last year, if I can see past the blinders of depression. The sun (so says Annie) will come out tomorrow.

Here is our brand new year full of brand new opportunities. It is much like last year, say the cynics. Nothing will change, except foolish optimists will once again find their views tempered by reality. You are yourself and you won't ever be anyone else - and that's true, isn't it? You can never be anything more or anything less than yourself. But perhaps we can change the borders with which we define ourselves.

My past few years have been emotional roller coasters, but predictable ones: I know I will go up; I know I will come down. The past couple months, on the other hand, have held strangely steady. I can't help but be afraid of the inevitable change, the other shoe dropping, because happiness is too lofty, too rarefied, a goal - I don't believe I can achieve it or, if I do, hold onto it. If I am happy now, it must be fleeting.

I suppose it is something like the poetry that floats through my head at times.

Yet I am tentatively hopeful that I can write again this year, that I will; I am tentatively hopeful I can live, and be happy, and that somehow the new year will in fact herald new beginnings. I will ultimately be always myself, but maybe this year, my self can find, reach, keep happiness.

It's not a terrible thing to wish.

It is a far better thing to make it so.

time, could you give me more of yours?

Sports:
Federer lost to Tsonga from two sets up! Murray, Nole, and Rafa into the semis at Wimbledon though. I'm sorry for all of the UK who have their hopes pinned on Murray but, dude, I will never pull for him to beat Rafa. At least I can root for Djokovic - knowing he will attain that World No. 1 spot either within a few days or a few weeks. Way to go, Nole. :) You've worked hard and you deserve it. (But my heart first to Rafa, simepre.) Good luck tomorrow!

Bar:
Wills is a mix of all right and terrible. It all makes me want to cry a bit though. Essay and practice MBE next week, and a long holiday weekend during which I will not have much time or heart to review or study. Oh I should though, I should.

Procrastination:
Finished at last my Agatha Christie novel and the first Chrestomanci Chronicles volume - the two books I've been working through very slowly in the past few weeks between bar review and other procrastination. I also have all these movies I have no attention span to watch - maybe I'll finally watch X-Men: First Class or Thor or something when G is here. I could get her to watch STXI with me. We'll see! She gets her tomorrow night and that should be fun. ♥


Oh dear god, it's the last day of June.

we all bleed red

On the MRT today, a boy was reading a sports newspaper that featured on the back cover a huge picture of Torres with the words "JUDAS SCUM", which reminded me that I haven't posted about this topic yet.

So Torres transferred from Liverpool to Chelsea, inspiring many mixed or angry feelings on the parts of many people, which is fair. I have thoughts about it, but they really come down to the following: I love and support him a lot and want him to do well, and though I am disappointed (THE NANDO SONG AND NIKE AD NOOO), I understand where this is coming from. But Liverpool is still my team, with or without him, and I'm not going to stop loving or following my team just because he's gone. Maybe I am not doing "fan" properly, without outrage and passionate outcry and wailing and gnashing of teeth, but I'm cool with that. YNWA.

I still want a Torres Spanish NT jersey and a Gerrard LFC jersey. (Good thing I was never interested in a Torres LFC jersey, I guess, but who didn't see this coming since the beginning of the season?)

what are these words coming out of my mouth?

I realized lately that I have a pretty casually foul mouth. My shoes hurt me? I don't go "ow!", I go "motherfucker!" When things annoy me, I don't say, "This aggravates me," I say, "This shit is fucking unacceptable." I feel like I should clean up my language and make more use of, you know, the many varied words the English language offers! Creativity, I used to have it. Now it's the same four-letter words over and over.

I really should censor myself more, though, because it's gotten to the point where this stuff comes out accidentally in front of people it shouldn't because I am so accustomed to it. Bad idea. (Though it's always funny when people are like "oh Mei! I never expected such language from you!" Inevitably, I think, "Man, you don't (fucking) know me at all, do you?")

I will take a pledge to not use foul language for at least a week! Let's see how successful I am, or if I'll owe myself a lot of money at 20c for each expletive - bets on how much change I'll have laundry by the end of this week?

welcome to your year

Happy New Year!

I don't really celebrate on new year's eve because I'm always in NC and it's always...quiet. A bit isolating. I love my family, but we're not exactly the type to party and drink in celebration. I would do it with friends, but really I have no close friends here except A, and she has her own circle of close friends here because they live here year-round. I just visit. So I usually have a quiet new year's eve, but it's all right. New years tend to depress me a little bit because they remind me of the wasted opportunities in the past year and all that bright shining hope in the new year - that usually ends in disappointment by the end. Because I am still not as proactive and carpe diem as I should be.

But let's not get into that! I had a good day yesterday - I went to visit A in the afternoon in Apex and we hung out. She had a late lunch at Panera while I clasped a vanilla latte to my chest in the raptures of the addicted, and then we whiled the hours away at Borders.

Every time I visit Borders, I wander past the YA shelves and am aghast. Rows and rows of black-bound books with fancy colored font, all about vampires and werewolves and supernatural romances. Those that aren't are about rich boarding schools and fancy parties with lots of drama. And what remains is all historical fiction (i.e., RPF AU or spin-offs of Jane Austen and her works). Apparently, boys have nothing to read. Slim pickings include zombies and GI Joe novelizations. I am left more determined than ever to write a new best-selling YA series involving a prestigious boarding school full of rich girls in pretty dresses having drama about their supernatural boyfriends: vampires, werewolves, leprechauns, centaurs, god knows what else. Yes, it will be highly successful, can't you tell.

Anyway, after leaving Borders, I returned with A to her house and helped make dumplings. Handmade, homemade, etc. The best way to do dumplings, because the frozen stuff does not compare - and I'd know. I ate so many frozen dumplings surviving the last few weeks of school/exams.

Insert thoughts here reflecting on the differences between her family and mine, but they are not bad differences - they are merely differences.

But that is for another time. For now, a new year. Let's be optimistic! My resolutions for 2011 are:

-Have fun in Singapore.
-Be proactive about what I want to do post-graduation.
-Write something original of significant length.
-Be grateful.
-Be happy.

a rollercoaster of emotions for good and bad and football

The past week has been a mix of emotions for me: a lot of anger and a lot excitement. The anger, frustration, and resignation stemmed from a lot of serious discussions on topics like racism, white privilege, and whether (or how) "intent" factors into that. Yet, despite how frustrating and exhausting it can be to engage with people, I have to say in the end I'm really grateful that I have friends willing to talk about these things with me, even if some of them disagree with me or approach the argument from (what I think is) a somewhat skewed or privileged standpoint. Honestly, I know a lot of people who find it easy to say "how awful!" and then move on without really thinking more of the situation or topic and its implications and how it might affect their life.

That made me wonder: Is it unfair of me to want everyone to engage in these topics? Honestly speaking I was not seriously engaging in these issues until this past half year or so (though of course up 'til then I'd always said, "yes I'm liberal, yes I'm pro-whatever, and so on). But now that I've started caring, I sort of wish everyone else would too. I don't necessarily expect them to and I understand that mindset to an extent, since I was stuck there for so long, but it still saddens me. I feel like a lot of people do care about these issues but don't engage. I don't know how to make people want to engage but...that's probably not something another person can force on them. They have to come to that point in perspective on their own.

A friend said to me: "So many people are already talking about this so eloquently and I don't have much to add/I'm afraid I'll bungle my words/thoughts."

I was in this place for a long time; I'm still kind of there, which is why I link people to what other people say so often. But the more we read, the more we understand and are better to formulate and frame our own words and arguments. So that makes me hopeful that I will slowly become more eloquent. And there is nothing wrong with linking to or quoting other people's words either. :)

Related to this, I was reflecting a while back about how we should confront friends/family about these issues and when it's worth it - it's a balance, definitely. I guess for now the best thing we can do is to go by our gut of what is the right thing to do.

But in more lighthearted news, I have been completely swept up in the fever excitement of the 2010 World Cup. It is a lot of fun to care about something the rest of the world is so excited about too!

Some things to know about me & the World Cup:

#1) Everything I know about football I've learned in the past two weeks, since the WC started. My more knowledgeable friends, wikipedia, and random commentary informs most of what I know.

#2) I will use "football" because that is what it is, dammit, and anyway - all the people flailing with me about it are non-USA friends and they all use that term.

#3) An offshoot of above, I don't feel bad at all that the USA is not my first team because why should I have national loyalty in this sport to a country that can't even use the proper term for it and also refuses to understand what the hell the "pitch" is. /JUDGES FOREVER ): But I do still support USMNT because Capt. America is hot, unf. (This is, uh, sarcastic and I am not seriously judging anyone. Just to clarify.)

#4) I am totally, ridiculously, shamelessly shallow about hot footballers. I am all about the shirtlessness and the jersey-swapping, oh yeah. Maybe weirdly, the five teams (England, Spain, Germany, USA, S. Korea) I whole-heartedly support are not chosen on the basis of good looks alone.

#5) Mocking Cristiano Ronaldo is one of my joys in life.

#6) Steven Gerrard is my ONE TRUE LOVE. Even though England is consistently overrated in the WC and did not impress me with their game against the USA and pissed me off badly in their game against Algeria. Somehow I still love them, though I am saddened that they do not live up to expectations of awesomeness.

#7) I tweet like mad during the games. I have basically watched all the games (granted, the super early ones like the one this morning between Slovakia and Paraguay I only catch the last few minutes of because I don't care that much, but I will unfortunately be up at dawn tomorrow to catch Portugal against North Korea). I find myself hilarious. It is really a lie, though.

I will not go into more detail about individual games because there has been a lot of rage and frustration and dramatic cries of "no, why, why are you breaking my heart!" and also lots of cursing at refs. But I will be going to a pub tomorrow to watch the Spain v. Honduras game and cheering madly for España. Let's just leave it at that and hope Spain does not, again, rompa mi corazón.

I will add, though, that it's sort of nice to just be depressed by shallow things like World Cup games for a change instead of DEPRESSED BY HOW MUCH HUMANITY SUCKS.

will I sweat and bleed for you? I will.

I've been dealing with a lot of heavy-hitting topics in the past couple days: rape (and inherent misogyny), exploitation of race, racism... (I may go into these in slightly more detail in a future post.) I should be glad that dialogue has been had and that learning has been done and that privilege is being examined. I am glad. As painful and difficult as these issues can be, they merit my (and others') care and attention; they merit the time and effort it takes to explain to others why what was said or done was offensive or problematic. As I've told people: in a selfish way, I'm glad I care about these things because they make me feel like less shitty of a person. They make me feel that I am still capable of caring. I don't ever want to be so selfish as to want to close my eyes and ears to everything and stop caring, however much I may postulate it sometimes.



But all that aside, caring is still exhausting. I knew that going in and I think it's worth it but— But I'm just really tired right now.

this post brought to you by TMI

I have been feeling distressingly restless these past few days - I don't want a relationship because I know that I am not emotionally ready for that, but I want some physical action, dammit. I want to be part of one of those obnoxious tipsy couples making out in the backseat of someone's car while said someone is longsuffering and driving people around. I want to commit some annoying PDA and get glared at. I want some attention, directed solely at me, and I want some touch.

It's hard to feel so young sometimes, like I have never known what the world offers. It's hard to feel so old sometimes, like I've let slip past all my opportunities.

shut up and listen to me

A:

A lot of straight men are uncomfortable with the idea of homosexuality or finding themselves in a situation where they need to check everything a gay man tells them for sexual innuendo. God knows why but it creeps them out. That said, most of these men will not go out of their way to beat up homosexuals in shady alleys, you know? This shit is not black and white. Yes, bigoted comments are douchey, but raging at the kid about homophobia will not solve anything. Hell, in my experience, raging at any straight male who finds homosexuality "weird", "creepy", "sick" or something in-between will only send them into a defensive rage, and then there you are, snarling at each other like animals. I'm sure there has to be a solution, but I'm also sure it does not involve "beating sense" into anyone, literally or figuratively.

Me:

I definitely agree it's a kneejerk kind of reaction from my straight male friends too, and also this: "It's sad, it's a fucking shame, but that's how it is."

But I don't think that makes it okay, even if that's how it is.

Passive homophobia, to me, is still homophobia. Even if they aren't going out to beat people up or try to make gay people feel discriminated against or vulnerable, their reaction still enforces the fact that homophobia is not the norm, and not acceptable. Their values will be passed on to their kids, to other people they know and associate with. It's not just about "that one gay friend they have that they're okay with", it's about an entire institution of homophobia and bigotry and prejudice that they're helping reinforce.

Is it okay for someone to burn a cross on someone's lawn as long as they don't hurt them physically? Is it okay to make homophobic jokes as long as you don't call someone a faggot to his face?

I don't think so. Obviously, not everyone agrees with me but... I don't think it's okay to be homophobic or racist or sexist as long as you are less homophobic or racist or sexist as someone else.

That all said, I do agree with your conclusion that "beating sense" into anyone is not really going to...work. As fondly as some people might dream of that.

A:

I saw a lot of comments which basically dismiss the relevance of social pressure and the knee-jerk, conditioned response of most heterosexual men at the mere mention of male homosexuality, and I just can't agree with that. My brother would probably act all weirded out around a gay person and possibly try to avoid them, but he would never, ever hurt them intentionally, be it in a verbal or physical way. It's sad, it's a fucking shame, but that's how it is. If we can't accept first that acceptance doesn't come to everyone naturally, then how can we call ourselves more accepting than them? :|

M:

If we can't accept first that acceptance doesn't come to everyone naturally, then how can we call ourselves more accepting than them?

This is very true. It's actually pretty hypocritical, to not accept the unaccepting for being unaccepting. But that said, if the target is the comment, then I don't see a problem. [...]

Me:

I sort of violently disagree with this statement: It's actually pretty hypocritical, to not accept the unaccepting for being unaccepting.

Why should I be accepting of a racist or a bigot? Why should I have to? "Oh, sorry, I understand you're raised that way, you can't help the fact that you're a homophobe or that you hate all black people or that you think women are naturally inferior to men. Sorry, I should respect your views as a an unaccepting bigot because you can't help being that way."

No.

I don't think it's hypocritical not to be accepting of bigots. That implies that there is no objective truth, that it all depends, that they might be right and their opinions should be given weight. I don't think they're right. I think they're wrong. And I don't want to accept their views.

C:

I like your reply, because that's the truth, plain and simple. To accept them is to give them the idea that their way of thinking is just as justifiable and proper as yours. And it gives them support to continue that way.

M:

It isn't to say that you need to be accepting of racism or bigotry, but I guess to be accepting of the fact that they are not always the ones who control their own viewpoint. I very much believe that we are shaped by the environment we grow up in. Of course we can change, of course there are some things we should realize when they slap us right in the face, but not everybody goes through the same experiences and some mindsets are more difficult to change than others.

That implies that there is no objective truth, that it all depends, that they might be right and their opinions should be given weight. I don't think they're right. I think they're wrong. And I don't want to accept their views.

[...]

For me, reaction can be just as important as the original action. I think it's much more beneficial for the relationship of both sides to say, "I understand you live in a society that thinks this, but why don't you reanalyze what you're saying and look at it from this point of view, instead." It's only when anyone adamantly refuses to even consider other options that I basically stop accepting them into my life, along with their opinions.

Me:

Maybe it's just semantics then, because the sentence "If we can't accept first that acceptance doesn't come to everyone naturally, then how can we call ourselves more accepting than them?" says to me very clearly that we should be accepting of the unaccepting or we will be hypocrites.

Yes, we should try to understand the context they exist in. Yes, society and environment is a huge factor. I'm not proposing that we all hate all homophobes forever (if I did, I would be hating my own family forever). I'm saying that while context is definitely important if we are trying to reach out to these people and help them understand, we should not accept their viewpoints as legitimate even if we know "where they're coming from". Because that means we're giving validity to the idea that gays are something to be feared, or whatever.

...in the end, I think we're actually agreeing on the point that we should acknowledge and recognize why they believe certain things. Mostly.

Then I start to question: why do we have to be so understanding and accepting and trying so damn fucking hard to educate ignorant people when they are the ones in the wrong? I shouldn't have to teach the privileged bigots why they're wrong.

your youth is a precious gift: what will you do with it?

So I have young friends. Sometimes I despair that they make me feel old and sometimes I despair that they are so young and so unlearned to the realities of the world (as compared to my grizzled years of wisdom and experience, of course). Usually these declarations of despair are made in jest or at least not in complete seriousness, because I know the thing about youth is that you get the luxury of growing up. It happens, whether you expect or welcome it.

Sometimes, though, I am profoundly grateful that some of my friends are young, because it gives me hope that they will grow up and learn and grow past certain things like wishing rape on people they don't like.

It's never okay to wish that on anyone, even jokingly. It's not a joke. It's not anywhere near funny.

And it is especially not okay, considering the number of women who have been raped, to wish it on another female. Not that male rape isn't a problem or a crime (it is, and an absolutely under-discussed one at that), but considering that 9/10 rape victims are female, it is a particularly significant issue when people continue perpetuating misogynistic viewpoints.

Please, please figure out that This Is Not Okay.

I said something and the friend in particular did not respond, but I hope it at least got her thinking and that she will be more cautious about saying such things in the future.

Another friend flipped out today when she found out that one of her acquaintances has been raped, making it the third person she knew who had encountered some sort of sexual violence or violation. She was shocked. Understandably so, of course, because it never means as much as it does when it's personal. It hurts more when it strikes close to home and is much scarier - terrifying in its reality.

But the first thing I thought was: You know...rape is not nearly as uncommon as you might think.

The statistics say 1 in 3 women worldwide (1 in 6 in the U.S.) have been sexually assaulted in their lifetime, surviving a completed or attempted rape. That is a pretty staggering figure.

But this friend's reaction made me wonder if hers wasn't just a reflection of the way society at large lives in denial or ignorance about the realities of rape. I know I care and I know people around me who do, but I also know people who don't think about things like this, who probably don't because it's never been relevant for them. It's never become a personal problem until someone - maybe them, maybe a friend, maybe a family member - is raped.

Do we have to wait until that point before we start paying attention and caring?

It's not that I think I'm all-knowing. It's not that I think I know so much more than these friends do. But like another friend, K, said: "I learned a lot about the world after a year or two at college". And it's just that: trying to broaden our minds and worlds to at least be more cognizant of all that we don't know. To understand more how much there is to know.

I'm not trying to judge anyone. I am just hoping people will at least be open to growing past their ignorance and being receptive to all there is out there to learn. And sometimes I am grateful for my young friends because that means they have that much more time to learn.

But you're never too old to keep learning and I hope to, even when I am no longer considered "young".



(statistics from:
http://www.rainn.org/get-information/statistics/sexual-assault-victims
http://www2.ucsc.edu/rape-prevention/statistics.html)

let's not reenact Mean Girls in law school, yeah?

A number of people (including me) have compared law school to high school, which is true in many respects. And that's not an entirely positive analogy because we like to dismiss most of the petty and silly things we did back then as a consequence of immaturity and not knowing better. College opens the doors to a wider worldview, purportedly, and a better understanding of ourselves and those around us. So we'd like to believe - but then law school takes people who've all graduated college, some of whom have worked for a number of years, some who are married (but I don't see this as much in married students because they are far too busy living their real lives and handling real responsibilities on top of school that they don't tend to engage in the following) and makes them all regress.

We have lockers, we have the equivalent of prom, we have one building to which we're essentially confined, we have small classes and cliques and hooking up within groups of friends - we have the reemergence of petty feuds and awkwardness, of value attached to who's in the top 10, top 5 percent of the class. We see again the pervasiveness of gossip.

That isn't to say gossip wouldn't exist otherwise - I hear it's fierce in workplaces, where conditions are similar and therefore prime breeding ground: small groups of people who see each other every. single. day. As if that for some reason justifies the sudden nosiness into who is sleeping with whom, or who was once interested in whom, or who has a grudge against whom. It happens there and it happens here and it's frankly, in my opinion, entirely unpleasant to have to deal with.

Sure, it occurred with some regularity in college too (hell, I was in a sorority, I can definitely tell you about drama), but at the kind of huge public university I was in, you didn't get the same kind of small groups and enclosed spaces. You weren't forced to see the same people day in and day out. There was a lot more personal space - physically and emotionally. So while gossip still occurred, it wasn't with the same sort of regularity or intensity of circulation, I feel.

Law school is proverbial high school all over again; and I say proverbial because, looking back on it, my actual high school experience was nothing so clichéd. I wasn't in the popular crowd (was there a popular crowd? an amorphously defined one, perhaps) but I talked to people in it; I wasn't outcast although I think I tended towards hanging out with people who might be termed (dictated by high school clichés) "geeks": i.e., theater and manga fans, creative writing and ~expression~ fans. But I didn't identify 100% with them or with the "smart nerdy Asian" crowd or the artsy crowd. Whatever it was, high school was fine. Immature and awkward, yeah, but not a TV drama.

Law school? Is more like a TV drama. Not just in terms of personal experience but also in what I've witnessed other people going through or doing - and I find it all pretty sad. You'd think people would grow out of this kind of petty, gossipy mindset. You'd think people would be more concerned with professionalism and making real connections with others (similar to high school, you all tend to scatter after graduation, but now you're at an age where you can handle that kind of distance in a friendship...presumably) rather than worrying about who's dating whom or sleeping with whom or did you see how drunk she got that other time, oh my god.

There are probably all sorts of factors contributing to this kind of mindset or behavior but I don't really care about the reasonings behind it. I guess I just want to say flat out that I'm uncomfortable with how much people gossip and talk behind people's backs, and it bothers me even more when I catch myself inadvertently contributing to it. I don't want to be that kind of person. I can't pretend I'm wholly innocent because I know I've done it; but I don't like it and I really would prefer to not participate in it. So while I can't make others quit, I figure I should at least be more careful about what I say and watch myself so I don't end up participating in it again just to feel bad afterwards. It can't hurt to let people know that I'd prefer they not gossip around me either, but it's more a matter of being responsible for my own actions than for theirs.

Because, hey, I know I definitely do not appreciate people talking behind my back - for good or ill but in general - and in that vein I will try not to do that to others. It's not a fun experience (thank you, anon memes). Let's try to just live our own lives and let others live theirs; accept them as who they are for their faults (or virtues) and, you know, mind our own business. There's a line between friendly concern and friendly joking and plain nosiness and perpetuation of gossip; I'd rather not cross it.


Not impressed with high school behaviors in a professional school.

life's little wake-up calls

Today, I was at Starbucks studying CivPro because it was gorgeous outside and I wanted to get out of my cave of a room. Sunny days are my favorite; they make me crave comfortable seats near huge windows with lots of light, a good drink or snack, and usually some music or a book. It was windy today, which was an excuse to claim a table indoors. I have a final on Thurday, which was an excuse to do work instead of running around outside having a life. ...Excuse or obligation? Sometimes I think I like being productive more than running about - bt maybe that's a sign that I really need to lead a less sedentary lifestyle.

In any case, as I was sitting, going over my notes and sipping at my iced espresso, the lady sitting next to me accidentally knocks over her grande latte. It spills all over the floor, fortunately missing me or any other patron but making a mess: one of those tragic accidents of everyday life that aren't horrible enough to make you feel terrible, but just bad enough to make you cringe.

What struck me, however, was not her accident, but my first reaction. I instinctively glanced away, towards my notes, and determined that I was going to ignore it entirely and pretend it didn't affect me in the least. I was going to just read and get on with my life, and let this stranger get on with hers.

Five seconds later, I was totally appalled with myself. I took off my earphones, asked if she was okay, asked if she needed help, got up, offered my napkins and started wiping down a chair. She said, "Thank you" and "oh you don't have to" and then a barista took over with a mop. So I sat back down, still incredibly surprised and not entirely pleased with myself.

Why would my gut instinct be to ignore her? Why would I wish I could just pretend it didn't happen?

This reflects so poorly upon my character. And the saddest thing is that I didn't used to be this way. Before, my first instinct would have been to leap up and offer help. Lately, it's been to valiantly ignore everything as if didn't affect me. I could argue that I want to spare the person the embarrassment of having everyone stare, but what kind of poor excuse is that? People appreciate help. They're going to be embarrassed no matter what - and a kind word and helping hand goes much further in alleviating that.

I just...I'm disappointed in myself. This is, I think, a wake-up call to let me know that I'm really not as good of a person as I thought I was. And it's not okay.

It's okay to not be perfect, of course. It's okay to be selfish sometimes, naturally. It's okay to do the best you can for yourself. But you can't start rationalizing and justifying more and more things until you let yourself become completely self-absorbed and self-interested. You have to fight to maintain basic morals, ethics, and (I think) generosity of spirit. Be a decent human being. Be courteous and polite and helpful to the best of your abilities. Smile, say thank you, hold open that door. They're all little things, and they cost you so little, but they can go such a long way in improving the general atmosphere and brightening someone else's day. (I say this with experience after two and a half years working at Alpine - it was always the friendly, smiling, polite customers that made my day. Always. And sometimes just from so little.)

I joke around that the reason I can study in the courtyard, with lots of ambient (or even flat-out loud) noise, is because I'm self-absorbed and I can tune out other people's conversations (and, often, existences) to focus on me, and my work.

To some extent, that's true. To some extent, that's okay.

But I don't want to be so self-absorbed that I can't even bother to be a good person anymore just because it's not self-serving.

Hopefully this incident will remind me to make an active effort to be the kind of person I want to be.

fraying at the seams

Yesterday, I thought I would do anything to make you happy, because I hate to see you sad, and I want to make a difference. Today, I think maybe I should be more selfish because no one else is going to be selfish for me. Today, I think perhaps you should do something to make me happy, and give me a sign you care.

I would do so much for so many of you. It's hard for me to ask for things back, but that doesn't mean I don't need anything from you.

when i was a child, i wanted to grow up...

So J is somewhat of a legend in our class at law school. Everyone knows who he is. Everyone laughs and says, "Oh J," whenever anyone brings him up - some are impressed, most are just bemused. They all know about his trips to Detroit and San Francisco during key periods of the semester for Yu-gi-oh tournaments. They all know that he skips class to go, that he's excellent and internet famous, that he's so good he gets paid, gets asked for his autograph, gets talked about in reverent tones - but it's all a kids' game, so it doesn't matter.

I don't understand why people laugh at J, honestly. I can see why they might not take him (or at least the game he plays) seriously, but I sincerely admire him for doing what he likes and being good at it. Truth be told, I probably envy him a little for that ability, to be brazen and carefree in the face of society's convention and the majority's judgment. (What is it? A card game or something? A kids' game, right? With pictures on the cards and magic powers and all that, they say dismissively, derisively, as if they understand, as if they don't need to.) People think they've outgrown such frivolities, such childish games.

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. (I Cor. 13:11)

But is it so childish to do something you like and are good at? Fine, practically speaking, it may not serve you or your future's best interests. But it's not as if there's no remuneration involved in his national tournaments - this is not some low-scale hobby that just keeps him occupied and distracted from school. And even if it were - would it be so bad to enjoy it? Would it be so wrong to not hide it away as if you were ashamed of it?

I admire J for doing what he likes, Yu-gi-oh or whatever it may be, and still being brilliant. He doesn't need to put in the same amount of work as we do for law school; he's not like us (broadly, generally us). I do think he should commit more if this is what he's going to do as a career, but whether he pursues law as a career is not a choice anyone else, much less I, can force on him. He does as he will. I admire his attitude towards life and as a person.

I don't think I could do it, for better or for worse, (sometimes to my regret), but it works well for him. I'm tired of hearing people talk about him lightly, because I like him as he is.

I like him the way he is, maybe because I feel a need to live vicariously through someone braver than me. Someone who didn't put away childish things - or maybe someone who redefined the meaning of childish things, so that not everything we enjoyed when we were younger, not everything we enjoy now that society looks upon as immature or more suitable for a different age group, is actually "childish".

And, also, I'm generally not really into people talking badly of my friends, even if they're good-natured and don't mean to insult.

it's all about the here and now

Today, my brother turned 12. I called him and wished him a happy birthday. My mom told me she'd bought the ingredients to make me one of my favorite meals when I got home. ♥ I love my family. It will be good to go home. Living in St. Louis and going to law school here has probably been the longest I've been from home; around four months now that I haven't seen my family. I've been okay and not unhappily homesick, but there have been occasions where I've missed the familiarity of family, and it will be nice to go back.

Today, I finished my first semester as a law student. Property was not as disastrous as it could've been, for which I'm grateful. We'll see how my grades turn out, but at this point, I'm just ecstatic to be done. There's still a lot I need to do over break in terms of applying to jobs and working on my writing sample, but I'll still have time to do relaxing things. And at least I won't have to worry about classes or exams for the next two weeks.

Today, I had dinner with some incredibly lovely and fantastic (my favorite!) people as an early celebration of L's birthday. I love them all and I'm so happy to have found them here in STL. I'm especially grateful to L for what she's been to me - close friend, older sister, almost mother at times. She is definitely one to remember. I wish I knew what to get her for her birthday that could even begin to indicate how thankful I am for her and how much I appreciate her.

Today, I have cleaned! It is incredibly de-stressing and a great way to feel accomplished. You see immediate results and you feel as though your hard work were justified, rewarding, and worthwhile. All good stuff.

Today, I'm happy. :)