if poetry could describe the way you made me feel...

A Softer World straddles "pretentious" and "unsettlingly incisive" for me. There are strips less wistful and more sardonic that also apply, but I try to not dwell on my cynicism; the world provides me enough of that on a daily basis.

Sometimes I reread old entries and wonder if I've grown at all, when all my issues - my fears and worries - are still the same. Other times I reread those entries and am profoundly thankful for where I am today and the people who got me here.

Friendship is a funny thing. Every friendship is shaped a little differently, even if echoes of similarity ring through them; every interpersonal relationship is different, after all, rooted at the bottom from two separate people. Some friendships require constant care, though not always the most tender consideration each and every time. Other friendships can pass quietly in the background, faded from immediate occupation of your consciousness, but reemerge as strong as ever when you reach for it.

Some friendships die without the proper care or attention, if you haven't figured them out what they require and how - if - you can give it.

Friendships change, too. New ones and old ones. I don't know how to tell which ones fall naturally into the kind where you talk frequently and share everything and which ones are the kind where you talk infrequently but always with feeling. Always with feeling. Everything with feeling. That's how we do things 'round here. I got a whole bunch of feelings, y'all.

Hope is the worst thing, that treacherous feeling left in Pandora's box, and yet where would we be without it? Grimly stoic, perhaps. Resigned to our fates, for better or for worse.

Hope is a flower I don't know whether I should guard and water and raise, or one I should secret away where no one can see it wither, should I be disappointed.

I'm not a risk-taker but sometimes I want to take risks. I don't know what I'm doing and it's going against every comfortable, familiar instinct I have. My radars are broken and I have no guide.

What do I have but hope? It's too late. I've already planted that seed, built that tree house in the sky. Let's reach for the clouds.

Also: happy fourth of July.

pathetic

You're like the fucking ex I never fucking had. The one who's ruined everything because I can't do anything without remembering how we used to hate this or like that or talk about whatever. Everything is tied up in memories of you that just piss me off because it's not fair that I have to reap the consequences of a break-up to a relationship that never actually existed. It's not fair you fucking forced that break-up, that you chose it. The best part is that none of this is probably affecting you because evidently it was an easy decision for you to just let me go. 你就这样放手了吗？有那么容易吗？我和你的关系就这样切了，是不是？You never made the first move as friends; obviously I can't expect you'll ever make the first move to apologize and reconcile, if you even are sorry, which at this point I highly doubt.

Well, congratulations. You have officially been the worst break-up and the only one the fuck me up this long afterwards, which is quite a feat considering we never dated.

操你妈，活该。

I fucking miss you. Do you care?

greatest common factor

Took the day off bar studying and that was - all right. I had a good time at A's Clue party in the evening, but looking back, I think I wish I would've studied. Can you parse that sentence? In any case, there's nothing I can do now - sleep and bar study all day tomorrow, I suppose, though I may need to make a pit stop at the library.

I have a lot of feelings right now and most of them are unpleasant, so I don't think I'll record them here for posterity, because there's venting in private and then there's being hurtfully passive-aggressive in a blog post. One thing I can say, I think, is that I am pretty pissed at people who are willing to sacrifice their friendships for their relationships. I don't mean that you should be placing either one higher on the hierarchy or that sacrifices don't need to made - I understand that things change and it's not a competition. But when you are displacing your friendships entirely, purposefully or not, for your relationship, I think that's bullshit. I don't think I've done that in the past - but then again, maybe there's a reason I'm no longer in those relationships. Maybe I have been doing it wrong all along, for not being more willing to commit more to those relationships. If it turns out that you really do have to sacrifice your friendships for your relationship-- I can't even finish that hypo, it's clearly so wrong.

I suppose if our friendship was so weak as to be so easily and carelessly sacrificed, there wasn't much to it in the first place. Or you just didn't care as much as I did. Either way, I'm sorry.

I'm hurt and I'm angry, and I'm sorry.

I'm not targeting anyone or singling anyone out because the best part is that friends trading me in for their relationships has happened in more than one situation so... They say when you're the greatest common factor in all your failed relationships, the problem is probably with you. Yo.

So it's not you, it's me. That means I get to make a whiny blog post about it, right?

i'm probably the only one who remembers anyway

I wish it'd ended November 2006. 我不值得我的未来。

The world is composed of judgmental people.

I am one of those people.

But it's not like I'm not getting judged right back in return.

if my life were a chess game... i don't know where this analogy's going.

Where would my life be without irony? Apparently not nearly as interesting to whatever cosmic force is in charge.

On a unrelated food update:

I made a delicious omelet for breakfast yesterday. I love eggs, they're great! I also need to keep in mind that I don't like Mi Ranchito's guacamole at all - it doesn't taste fresh and is a bit too salty. I like my guacamole chunkier too. I should probably just buy the ingredients to make on my own. Avocado, red onions, tomato, optional cilantro, lime, salt & pepper to taste.

I made pasta today (browned ground beef, onions, tomato sauce) because I'm tired of Asian food. Which really takes a lot... Actually, I could probably still enjoy the beef noodle soup from Wong's Wok but, eh, need to save what money I can this week for the upcoming weekend with my lovelies, L&L. ♥

memories are like bullets, cracking my armor

You have questions, I have some answers:

01. No.
02. I've lost the point. Everything seems surreal lately, like I'm watching someone else fuck up her life.
03. I'm not interested.
04. I hope so but I really doubt it.
05. You never cared and I stopped trying. Or is it you never tried and I stopped caring?
06. Green.
07. Yes, like crazy.
08. Alienating all my friendships, yeah baby.
09. I could not begin to give a fuck.
10. Forty-two.


When I look back at what I write and how I write "love", it's easy to see what my version of true love is: friendship set on fire. As cheesy as it is, it's true. It's all laughter and dependency, understanding even without knowing everything, trusting the one who makes you laugh and smile and is always there, through good times and bad. The one who notices the little things (how important the little things are), the one you've grown so accustomed to in your life that you (in a way) take them for granted, as a given, like the air you breathe.


Apropos of nothing: Jensen Ackles is a gorgeous thing. It irritates me to no end when people don't understand how to use the word "nonplussed" (hint: it is not a synonym for "nonchalant") or confuse homey vs. homely, nauseous vs. nauseated, and faze vs. phase And if I ever did trust people, I no longer do. It wasn't even a conscious decision, merely defensive.


the whole world is watching - you haven't come this far just to fall off the earth

status update

Mei Q. is continually unimpressed by your so-called "friendship". When you never make the first move to talk to me or spend time with me and our entire relationship relies solely on my overtures, I am left questioning whether or not you actually care and whether or not I even want to keep trying.

if i was ever yours, i never knew

Funny story: little things hurt my feelings. Weird how that happens. The end. Great story, right?

Moving on: there are two types of people who top my list of personal pet peeves. The average person may not be annoyed by them, by these two groups get my collective hate.

1. radio show hosts
2. music snobs

Not going to go into a detailed rant, but let me sum up the first by saying, "Seriously, why are they allowed to talk?" and to sum up the second by saying, "Please go die in a fire." Except not. Just. Listen to what you like and let everyone else listen to what they like because, guess what, music tastes are personal preferences and that is all okay.

Two songs recently have been looping on my iTunes: (1) 김희철 - 초별 and (2) 조규현 - 7년간의 사랑.

I guess I've always been kind of a ballad girl, if it's the right kind of ballad. Usually I say this only about Chinese ballads because those are the easiest for me to learn to sing along to but, hey, I can totally understand the titles of these Korean ballads. It's a start.

Making an effort to send out mail. Time to hie myself to the post office an acquire some stamps.

i can't begin to explain this

I'm so fucked.

WHY IS THIS MY LIFE. What the hell is this horrible, disgusting trend of mine? UGH.

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T EVEN KNOW.

When did I turn into this kind of person? How did my life end up like this? I never meant for anything to turn out like this, wtf.

What the fuck.

This is why I need spring break right now. I need the distance from STL and my fucked-up overdramatic headache of a life.

don't try to justify this

I don't have the right to feel this way.

Semantics matter.

新年快乐

春节到了,我心痛,心情不好. 这样面对未来行不行?

你们都不认识我,不熟悉我,根本不知道我是谁. 我这个人自己也不了解,不知道有什么愿望,希望...

生命回一辈子怎么难吗? 不能放弃一切,只能这样一步一步迷着路走.

对不起.

once in awhile, i'm allowed this

So I just want to cry - because I'm a girl, maybe. Because I'm unhappy.

It's nothing specific as it is a little bit of everything, and I forgot the semester was like this: tiring. That's only making it worse, but it's not really the root of why I'm just...nebulously unhappy. Indistinctly dissatisfied.

Then I feel ungrateful. I know I'm lucky. I know I have a lot to be thankful for.

But right now I just want to be a little miserable and cry until my chest hurts.

And I'll be okay. And it's not your duty to fix me. It's just...

Life, sometimes.

Life, sometimes, just makes me unhappy.

try harder

True fact: I have never before felt so inadequate in my entire life.