spiced apple cider on my mind

Today was freezing but gorgeous. Despite the cold, rainy morning, the sun came out in the afternoon and really highlighted all the gorgeous red leaves that came into being after this cold snap. Fall might be edging spring out as my favorite season.

Sometimes I miss Singapore terribly, but I have to admit that I'd miss fall - the weather, the fashion, the warm delicious food memories associated with it (pumpkin spice, hot cocoa, roasted nuts, apple cider). It wouldn't be the same in an equatorial environment.

In between the same old same old tedium that is job applications, I have found myself reading more, following more TV shows, and attempting to be wrangle this whole adult life in small increments. Stress stays with me and manifests itself in poor sleep and unfortunate dreams, but I try to balance it out with coffee, good food, and excellent friends. And, you know, all the other distractions that live on the internet.

I bought some brie, fig preserves, and crackers today. Bliss in my mouth. I hope M can manage a visit next weekend; I'd love to feed her and take her back to UNC, where we can revisit our misspent youth, reminisce about the good times, and bemoan how old we are. (I like to see her miserable, what can I say?)

I baked cookies today and plan for a sweet potato casserole on Monday. I don't mind a life driven by food plans; those are the best kinds. Just like everyone knows travel plans should always be made in accordance with food priorities.

As for Snowtober - everything is a sign of the imminent apocalypse to me, but particularly the unexpected weather pitfalls.

後悔しない人生

I can't seem to find an exclamation of surprise that doesn't involve curse words or what comes off as insincere triteness - oh dear, heavens, my word, it seems as though I have been playing deftly into the role of self-victimizing Eeyore of late. If "of late" translates into the last twenty years of my life or so.

It doesn't matter if I feel resentful at times, of friends not living up to my (high, oft-silent) expectations; it doesn't matter if I feel like I am no one's best friend, closest confidante. What matters is that I do love the friends I have and I want them in my life and that not being someone's "best friend" doesn't mean they don't want me in their life.

There are many kinds of maturity. I should start subscribing to the kind that demands manifestation through action.

I don't subscribe to tenets of Taoism - it's too anti-intellectualism, for one - but it lays some good foundations. I should stop fighting the flow of the world. I should stop tearing myself up over it. I should stop acting like I'm owed anything beyond what comes to me. If I can't be optimistic, I should at least cease being so willfully pessimistic, and try for peace. Yes, zen is a concept associated more with Buddhism, but I'm not seeking anything beyond what this life offers.

I told my mom once, "生命只有这一个". We only have this one life. She corrected it to "生命只有这一次". We only live this one time. The distinction is, perhaps, subtle. My view saw life as a whole entity, a gift, to be used and not be wasted. Her view saw it was a journey and an experience not to be wasted. To squander it would be a tragedy to yourself in either case, but maybe the question is whether you are living the way you do because you feel obliged (not to waste your life) or because you find it freeing (to live and to learn).

人生无悔。Life without regret. Maybe it doesn't mean you need to do more (spontaneous road trips, dinner parties, love recklessly) or do less (stupid things, drama, having feelings). Maybe it means you just need to stop regretting the things that happen in your life, both good and bad. Maybe, and yes it's trite, they all do happen for a reason - that is, as the composition of what makes your life yours, and unique, and an experience.

生命只有这一次。

Hm. I feel like there's a bit of a disconnect from the beginning of the post to the end. I think I talked myself around from "be less stupid" to "hey, stupidity happens in life, it's okay". There's no harm in trying for both, right?

pick yourself up and push yourself forward

I've been feeling like the crap the past few days. Part of it is not sleeping well, which I'm sure contributes to the decline in emotional stability. I'm surviving for the most part; the last thing I want to do is lay the same-old same-old whining on my friends, who've all heard it dozens of times before. Really, one of the worst things I do when I'm feeling bad is allowing myself to wallow. So I am trying to pick myself up and make some productivity happen regardless of how I feel, and that accomplishing of things will eventually lead to a pick up in mood anyway.

Of course the other thing I'm dealing with are the joys of procrastination. What an accurate depiction! Yet so tragic.

For better or worse, I will have to force myself to get some research done this weekend, since I have to put together my powerpoint presentation for class on Monday. For better, actually. Let's get to work on this paper and get it out of the way sooner.

A bit of sociality will also help improve my mood, I think. I managed to Skype with my 宝贝 T today in the best kind of phone-call way, where you say nothing of importance to each other and just enjoy each other's presence for an hour or so. Tomorrow, hopefully something with B and A to celebrate B's birthday. They are cool people. Some of my favorite to hang out with among the law crew; the rest of my time goes to myself and my local friends. It's a nice balance, hopefully. Dinner with family friends J's parents tonight - delicious black pepper crab and salted duck egg crab. Food, you are my favorite, even when you are messy and I've forgotten to take pictures. Hopefully meeting up with F and G and S and S at some point... Well. I'll be around Singapore for the next month. We can make things happen so I can stop being so homesick.

It's not that I miss STL so much that I miss my friends there and the ability to do certain things I can't do so much here: drive and cook, for example.

At least one good thing came out of feeling like crap: I always turn to new music when I feel bad. So now I have more Chinese music. Hurrah, Fan Wei Qi. My style of easy-listening c-pop.

what singapore do you see through your lens?

A list of places I would like to visit while I'm in SE Asia this semester, in no particular order:

1. Bangkok, Thailand
2. Cambodia
3. Vietnam
4. Bali, Indonesia
5. Hong Kong
6. Taiwan
7. Malaysia

To be honest, HK I would not be terribly bothered if I could not get to, as I've been before. It's more that I have friends there now (R among them), and it would be nice to see them again and be shown around, to see the city without the baggage of family. Taiwan I could probably also suffice without, as it is not entirely dissimilar to China. I would really like to visit the first four on the list, however. Malaysia I am not quite sure where I stand at the moment, aside from passing curiosity and belief that it should be visited if only for no other reason than it is so close.

One of the exchange students (from the U.S., Northwestern Law) continues to compare Singapore and every other city to New York. "Singapore is so vanilla," he said tonight. "Nothing stands out. There's no personality."

I stared at him in disbelief.

"Oh," I said after a moment, grinning to take the edge off my somewhat offended bewilderment. "You're one of those people. The ones who are so in love with New York. I know people like that. None of them are actually from New York."

"But that's the great thing, people are from everywhere!"

I don't think he realized the irony of that statement while standing on a bus in Singapore surrounded by, well, people from everywhere, right after he had dismissed Singapore as not diverse enough to his NYC tastes.

As with so many things in life, it's really all in how you look at it. It's your attitude and perspective that matters the most. It takes a special kind of perspective to walk through Singapore and find it boring and vanilla and uninteresting, I feel.

gift of sunshine this Christmas

So now I'm home for the holidays, after bidding St. Louis adieu until commencement in May. I managed to return safely to NC after a harrowing 14+ hour drive, moving all my shit back with m in preparation of Singapore for the spring semester. :D Party on, dudes. Last semester is going to be so much more about food and drinking and traveling and seeing people than it is about law. But I've totally earned this, right?

Strangely, perhaps, the nostalgia hasn't hit me. It might yet, or it might wait until I'm actually back in the Lou in May before plaguing me with fond memories. I will miss seeing the people there while I'm in Singapore, of course, but for the most part I am just excited about being in a new part of the world.

Though I'm not even thinking that far ahead right now. Right now, I am focused on the holiday cruise I'm going on tomorrow with family! We're leaving out of Charleston and headed down to the Bahamas for five days. A sunny and warm Christmas, I hope, to go with the sunny and warm winter I'll be spending in Singapore. I am all up for this. Cold weather, I've had enough of you, thanks. I will not miss the cute coats and scarves all that much.

After I get back, I'll meet up with M and A at least, then be just productive enough to wrap up some last-minute things and pack for Singapore.

For now, I am looking forward to sunshine and fruity alcoholic drinks. Happy holidays!

coasting on these august waves

So the reason I've been so AWOL since coming back to NC is that the day after I get home, on Friday, a ton of my mom's old college roommates and classmates have come into town for a 30 year reunion type thing. She and J's dad know the same people, so it's an assortment of random Chinese people come from all over the US (Cali, Philly, STL, Toronto even...) to congregate here for the weekend to catch up and then head out to the beach for three days. So that's been busy and loud and full of Chinese! I've helped entertain some (actually exercising Chinese skills, omg, they are so rusty) and have otherwise hid out some too.

We then headed out to the beach for a week: Emerald Isle, NC. There was a house and it was full of people and the beach was lovely, the water was warm, and much food and relaxation (and mahjong) was had by all. I am now home and ridiculously tan and whining about skin cancer to all who will put up with me. It was a ton of fun though. FB contains all my pictures.

In some other updates -- my brother's voice has dropped! What is this growing up business, really? Still, J's little brother John (now seven, attending second grade, utterly adorable) remains my surrogate little brother. He's a total sweetheart and he makes me ridiculously happy. I sort of wish I'd been older and better able to appreciate my own brother's cuteness at that age; when he was 7, however, I was 16 and surly about him in the way of all teenage girls, I suppose. Now it's his turn to be the sullen teenager...

Also, I finally got around to reading and finishing The White Road by Lynn Flewelling and I enjoyed it much more than Shadows Return. But mostly it makes me crave the first two books of the series but I suppose I am glad that the series is continuing. I am also excited for Lorna Freeman's The Flames of Reckoning, though that will be ages before it's complete, much less out for public consumption. :(

In movie news, I watched RockNRolla, a ridiculous Guy Ritchie movie about London gangsters with British accents, heists and intrigue and action, and Tom fucking Hardy. His part was minor but I sort of rolled over in glee every single time he was on screen. He was fantastic as Handsome Bob. I wanted to hug him a lot when I didn't want to lick him, I DON'T KNOW, MY HORMONES ARE OUT OF WHACK WHEN IT COMES TO TOM HARDY. God. I want a sequel to this movie. (Or "This Means War". Right the fuck now.) On a more serious note, while Tom Hardy didn't have a huge role in the movie, I think he did a very good job acting and getting into his character. I will get on his and JGL's other movies soonish!

I was going to watch Velvet Goldmine today but instead watched EPL: Liverpool v. Arsenal. Cole got redcarded during his debut, ahh, I hope he is all right physically; Stevie played and looked absolutely fit; Nando was subbed in late in the second half and everyone sang his song (which delights me because fuck yeah TORRES TORRES); Agger might have gotten a concussion; and poor Reina scored an own goal in the 90th or so minute to equalize after a long Liverpool lead. ;__;. But I have faith in my team! And, yes, I suppose I've acceded to the fact that they are my team now. I will work on being a proper fan.

Ugh, I don't want to think about the RL I must face in a week, heading back to STL to pack and move and prep for the fall semester. This semester will be wretched busy with classes and work and Note editing and MPRE-studying (fucking ethics, how do they work) and form-filling (to hash out visas and applications and things I will need for my spring exchange to Singapore!!!).

But for now, I am content in these last vestiges of summer break.

lose yourself in a collective summer dream

Yesterday was National Cheesecake Day! So cheesecake was half off at The Cheesecake Factory - and that of course meant I had to drive over and pick up a slice, because you don't pass up a chance like that! I got fresh strawberry, which is just original with strawberries & whipped cream and it was like a little piece of culinary heaven. I have low standards, whatever. :D I'm also craving TCF's Jamaican black pepper shrimp like a mofo, but the crowds at the restaurant yesterday were out of control crazy: because it was Friday night, of course, but also because of the 1/2 price cheesecake. I'll get my shrimp another day...

I watched the first episode of the BBC's new series Sherlock last night. Modern day Sherlock Holmes, and it was fun! It makes me want to reread the Sherlock Holmes books and dive back into mystery books; I can't remember a lot of the Agatha Christie I've read, so let's do that...

Unrelated to that: on Tuesday, I met up with J and H and C at the MUNY (outdoor ampitheater - is that redundant?) to watch a production of The Sound of Music.

It was lovely. ♥ Okay, it was hot and muggy as hell, but the production itself was lovely. I loved the sets and sort of wish I'd done theater in school, ever... But the singers were all very good and very reminiscent of the movie. It also brought back all these memories of my childhood; The Sound of Music was my mom's favorite movie and I've seen it so many times. I still have most of all the songs memorized. I remember singing them all the time.

It's also been ages since I've seen it since I've become an ~adult~, so it was with a new perspective. The duet between Maria and Captain von Trapp, Something Good, made me tear up because it's just so lovely. It was my mom's favorite song from the movie and I remember not understanding why as a kid - it was boring and slow and not full of kids being cute. Now that I'm a little more grown up, I think I have a better idea. :)

(There was also a lot of "woman belongs to man" sentiments that made me roll my eyes with my new adult perspective and knowledge, but I know what time period it's from and, yeah, nostalgia-colored glasses make me a little indulgent.)

I've also resolved that if I'm ever to write again, I will have to be drunk. The mental block is strong with me.

I have other thoughts floating around my head but I don't feel like articulating them right now. :/ I will conclude by saying that I'm feeling sort of off today - gotta have to get over that if I want to plan out my week. A dinner party with people tomorrow (jerk chicken and rum punch!), oil change appointment on Monday, gotta pack to go home, and so on...

celebres con el equipo de fútbol español~

Ahh football! There is so much I want to talk about but I guess I shouldn't constantly spam, right? But the Italy v. New Zealand game yesterday! The Brazil v. Côte D'Ivoire game! The fact that Kaká was red-carded - unbelievable. And while part of me enjoyed that (the part that likes drama, especially with teams that are not mine), I have to say: he elbowed the CIV guy in the chest, and the CIV player went down clutching his face. Ehhh. But I'll take it as trade-off for the second goal which was an unbelievably blatant double handball, fuck that shit. What was up with that ref?

Anyway, I was watching the Brazil game in a café with wireless but broken A/C. So the HDTV was nice and a ton of people had their laptops out, which amused me, but it was so disgustingly sweaty and hot. I watched Spain's game today in a pub with A/C, which was infinitely better. I had a work meeting at 11 that I carefully scheduled around the Spain game, haha. I have priorities, can't you tell?

I was so nervous about the Spain v. Honduras game because I always get anxious about my favorites; they managed to pull off the win they needed, which makes me happy! But they really should have scored more (Villa should have definitely not missed that penalty kick, for instance - and he'd have gotten a hat trick too, oh Dahveed). The goal differential is going to be important come the round 3 games; Spain you'll need to defeat Chile and with a good number of goals just to be on the safe side. Switzerland and Honduras - couldn't you tie at 0-0? That would be super, thanks.

In other sports news, Federer almost lost today to an unranked player, dropping the first two sets and winning the fourth set by the skin of his teeth. I'm not going to lie, I laughed. He will never be my favorite, sorry. Roddick did fine, of course, and Nole...had to go to five sets but also pulled off a win. Man. "Latest Wimbledon match of all time", they say: it ended at 11:41pm. I guess Wimbledon likes to end early... Anyway, as always, my heart is for Rafa. :) ¡Vamos Rafa!

And ¡viva España! Happy day~

In non-sports news, I saw Toy Story 3 Friday night and I definitely recommend it. I did not go in expecting to like it considering I was tired of the Toy Story franchise after the first movie, but Pixar managed to not disappoint. They surprised me, in a good way. :) The movie is really touching and sad at bits, but also really, really funny. There is a lot of action/drama that is melodramatic but the movie never takes itself seriously, so it's all in fun. We watched it in a full theater with families and kids, so there was a lot of group laughter and applause, which added to the experience, I think. I'd go see it again, frankly speaking.

The short at the beginning was also incredibly charming and possibly one of my favorites. I do think they got a little heavy-handed with the message (via the radio) when they could've been more subtle...but I guess subtle goes over a lot of people's heads... Anyway! Yes. The entire movie is recommended.

Other movies I am excited about: Despicable Me, Eclipse (I have no shame; I will totally watch and mock), and Tangled! The preview for that was really cute. Disney's take on Rapunzel, with a twist? I am intrigued. Can't think of anything else atm except, oh yes, PLEASE DO NOT PAY MONEY TO WATCH THE LAST AIRBENDER. If you have to ask why...

This is why.

Last round of games for group stages kick off tomorrow! Estoy muy emocionado.

it's funny: I always have the words for other people

So it's weird because I was feeling like this yesterday too. The whole "what is the point? why am I doing this?" and "I WILL NEVER BE HAPPY". It is all very dramatic, just like you said, but it doesn't stop being scary or discouraging.

I guess I just want to say I empathize and that, no matter how hard it is for me, I think in the end we can just do our best. I don't think most people have a fixed goal in mind with happiness - and those who do may not be totally realistic. We should spend our lives striving not for some imaginary future happiness but to better ourselves, love ourselves, do something good with what we have. And, like you said, appreciate it.

I don't think you're bland or useless or unlovable. I think you're far too human for that. :) I think you have passion and you have joy and you have sorrow. You care, and you're a friend, and you are smart and capable and it's hardest to convince ourselves (I know how hard it is to convince myself) but I hope it helps a little just to hear the words, even if from someone else.

Now it's only a matter of learning to listen to myself. Or maybe listen to myself less, because I tend to overthink, to panic, to gasp at life like I can't risk the pause to breathe.

love is a relay; happiness is the baton

So even I think it's ridiculous what an emokid I've been lately. So I am not as happy-go-lucky as I was last year, so what? I can still the make the most out of my life this year. So I'm not cut out for law school, so what? I can still work hard. I still will work hard. Or at least try hard enough to not fail out of classes; I figure passing enough classes to graduate with a JD is a good-as-any goal for now.

I should really be focused on finding something (paying) to do this summer. That and actually writing something truly worthwhile. Well, there are many definitions of "worthwhile" and I don't think what I've been writing up until now is worthless, god, no; I would've probably gone insane without some form of writing in my life. But I'd like to make a concentrated effort on something long, complete, and cohesive.

There is NaNoWriMo, but that's not for another month. I should definitely put some thought into what I want to write 50,000 words of though.



In other topics, I really enjoy the weather this week: a little chilly in the mornings, brisk and sunny all day long. I don't even mind that the sun sets earlier, not too much; this is lovely autumn weather and I am happy if we just stay here. Naturally, that means we won't get to keep it for long but...I will enjoy it while it's around.

I've also determined that if I feel like crap inside, I need to make an effort to not look like crap outside, because then I'll just end up more unhappy. Feeling cute and pretty is such a girly thing, but it does help with confidence boosts, and those are definitely something a girl needs when she is having one of those days.

I seriously do not know who's reading over at UCLA. Hello? Hi?

try for an always sunny forecast

So 1L classes are officially over. All that's left of the year is exams and the write-on, then packing up and storing my things somewhere over the summer. At least my plans to China are set for the summer - it's exciting for sure.

In my excitement and pre-planning, I made a travel blog here. It's really not in operation until after I'm in China, but I like to get a jump on things. If I can get things done ahead of time, I generally like to, because it's a nice feeling to have things settled and out of the way. (I love ticking things off my lists, okay? Stop judging me! Speaking of lists, this site makes me so incredibly happy, especially because it's all basics, no frills, meaning you can't be distracted wasting time making lists instead of just doing whatever needs to be done. Also, having no dates for deadlines is a huge pressure off.)

I'm also a big fan of tables and charts! And calendars! Color-coordinated! Oh wow, I'm such a geek, but it's okay, because it makes me happy.

I was going to write a thoughtful post about parenting and what kind of child I'd like (and ruminations on the kind of parent I might be, or would hope to be), inspired by Yotsuba&! but...really, I'm tired. I'll save that for another time. But being a parent is, I think, both a terrifying and exciting responsibility (and joy).

I suppose I can only hope to do the best I can. For everything in life, really.

Thinking back, both Yotsuba&! and Smiling Pasta had good advice about the attitude to take towards life. Every day is the greatest day. If you believe that, don't let life get you down - make the most out of what you have. Just smile, and there's nothing you can't overcome. There is nothing so awful that you can't have a little faith. It's not to say you're never allowed to be sad, or disappointed, or upset. It's not to say that life isn't just plain unfair sometimes.

But in the end, nothing is so awful that you can't make it through. Life, really, is what you make of it. And that all comes down to the attitude you take.

For me, I guess that just means trying my hardest and hoping for the best, for my future kids, for my future job, for my future at large. For my friendships, my relationships.

I can't wait until exams and write-on are over. Not just to wrap up 1L year, but also because it means something else begins. Something new, different, for a change.

(And clearly the best way to face everything is armed with lists. I am still me, after all.)

if you let it be this simple

I just want to make you happy. I just want to make you smile. I just want you to trust me and let me care.

Every friendship is made of this. This is L-O-V to the E, in every shape and form. Just believe in me.

Maybe it's time to look towards your future. Keep your eyes to the skies, and let your dreams fly.

such is this beautiful life

I am sincerely and genuinely happy for L, because I love her a lot and she deserves this. I'm not the least bit envious, or bitter, and to be able to say that makes me happy. I just hope nothing spoils this for her, because she shouldn't deserve to feel bad for doing well, and for getting this.

Despite not having been selected for the Africa program, I don't feel as stressed out as I could be. I honestly believe everything will work out. Things will be okay. I'm doing the best I can, and I am willing to believe that it will be enough.

Life has its ups and downs, but such is life. I take it as it comes and I have to learn to like it, to love it, because I do, I love my life and its joys and sorrows and struggles and disappointments. This is what life is about.

I'm an introvert and I need time on my own to recharge, but too much time on my own is not a good idea either. I love people. I truly care about other people. Spending time with them makes me happy and reminds me that I have a lot (so much) to be grateful for. Positive energy is contagious and uplifting, and it's a good feeling.

I sincerely and genuinely believe things will be okay. For me. For us. For this thing we call life.

(I will miss you. I really, really will, and sometimes that makes me sad. I know I made the right decision in the end, though. So believe in me, and in this. It will be okay.)

It's not selfish to live a life that will make you happy. What makes me happy is what makes you (my family), and you (my friends), and you (myself) happy.

Be happy. Live your life so that you can be.

Everything will be all right.

it's all about the here and now

Today, my brother turned 12. I called him and wished him a happy birthday. My mom told me she'd bought the ingredients to make me one of my favorite meals when I got home. ♥ I love my family. It will be good to go home. Living in St. Louis and going to law school here has probably been the longest I've been from home; around four months now that I haven't seen my family. I've been okay and not unhappily homesick, but there have been occasions where I've missed the familiarity of family, and it will be nice to go back.

Today, I finished my first semester as a law student. Property was not as disastrous as it could've been, for which I'm grateful. We'll see how my grades turn out, but at this point, I'm just ecstatic to be done. There's still a lot I need to do over break in terms of applying to jobs and working on my writing sample, but I'll still have time to do relaxing things. And at least I won't have to worry about classes or exams for the next two weeks.

Today, I had dinner with some incredibly lovely and fantastic (my favorite!) people as an early celebration of L's birthday. I love them all and I'm so happy to have found them here in STL. I'm especially grateful to L for what she's been to me - close friend, older sister, almost mother at times. She is definitely one to remember. I wish I knew what to get her for her birthday that could even begin to indicate how thankful I am for her and how much I appreciate her.

Today, I have cleaned! It is incredibly de-stressing and a great way to feel accomplished. You see immediate results and you feel as though your hard work were justified, rewarding, and worthwhile. All good stuff.

Today, I'm happy. :)