people and things

Mark Salling is from Texas. And, unexpectedly, really into ornithology.

C was right: They do make 'em hotter in Texas. Tall, buff, and ridiculously appealing, or so goes the pattern of TV actors (whose shows I hate) I've crushed on.

In other news, I baked lemon bars last night and I am quite happy with them: they are tart and sweet and buttery. Never substitute margarine for butter when you bake; it's not worth the sacrifice of taste! In any case, if I'm stress baking sweets, we can assume I no longer have "healthy eating" as one of my top concerns.

Next up is raspberry thumbprint cookies, which require even more butter, and those amazing Pillsbury cookies that are seasonally-themed with little pictures on them. They are the plainest things, but they are unbelievably tasty. And easy. I am gaining weight just thinking about them, honestly. This is why I need to live around friends: so I can foist off baked goods on them and not eat everything on my own.

My plan for the night is to do something fun: catch up on last week's episode of Hawaii Five-0, read this Discworld book while plotting to acquire the newest (Snuff, out in 4 days!), or, you know, eat some lemon bars and look at pictures of Mark Salling being hot (all of them) while bemoaning to myself how much I really hate his show (a lot).

domestic adventures

Saturday was B's birthday, so we went out with some of his non-law friends to drink and celebrate. Blue Jazz was unfortunately (though probably not surprisingly) packed, so we ended up at Brewerkz in Clark Quay. Decent food, good drinks (x-rated sex on the beach! ...thusly rated because it is made from x-rated fusion vodka), and strange but entertaining conversations. A good time overall. Life is better spent not entirely sober, I feel.

Sunday, I met up with G for a delicious lunch. It's actually been a long time since I've had good, freshly-made Chinese stir-fry, because so often I just grab some fast noodles or pre-made 2 veg + 1 meat to eat in the interests of saving time. We had 笋尖肉丝 (bamboo and shredded pork) and 酸辣白菜 (hot & sour stir-fried cabbage) and it was so, so good with a bowl of white rice. I love Chinese food, okay? It is in my roots and in my heritage and in my blood. Also, rice. According to G, Thailand pledged some thousands of pounds of rice to help Japan. Now that is the generous Asian spirit, ha.

I did my presentation for Law & Development in China today - a brief powerpoint talk about my paper topic. It went... Well, let's say that while I don't necessarily have a great fear of public speaking, I am not necessarily good at either. I tend to talk on the fast side anyway, but when I am standing in front of people, I also tend to lose my train of thought, so occasionally there are periods where I have an almost out-of-body experience where I sort of look askance at myself internally and wonder what are those words coming out of my mouth...? It's like a different part of my brain is controlling the sounds I make, disconnected from the part of my brain that does the thinking. Additionally, my active versus passive vocabulary has always been a source of distress. It all leads to inadvertent but interesting faces while I talk, because I am WTF-ing at myself. Ah, rehearsing, this is why they recommend it.

Anyway, it was fine, it is over, and now I hope to be able to focus on writing my paper and getting it done and out of the way. I have many other papers awaiting me... Clearly I anticipate them with much joy, yes?

I am also writing again, for all the good and the bad that it entails. It certainly involves a lot of feelings, that's for sure.

Just browsed one of my usual food blogs and am craving a reuben in ways I can't even put into words. That will have to be one of the items on my to do list when I stop over back in STL in May.

这感觉 我不知怎麼形容

Yesterday, I had a really good Skype session with J. We talked about everything and nothing and it was a lot like our conversations back when we hung out in person. It was also just really nice to catch up with him and see how easily we slide back into our friendship. He is a lost cause for initiating contact ever and is horrible at staying in touch with people; it used to bother me but now I think I'm resigned to it and am willing to make that first (second, third) nudge because at least I know he'll always be willing, so long as I make that first step.

This also reminds me that I need to make more of an effort with my other friends though. Ahh, let me email or FB or something! I miss them too.

Last night, had dinner out with L & her new fiancé T, plus A and a bunch of L's other friends. We went for dim sum at Din Tai Fung, basement of Paragon on Orchard. Pretty delicious food, an overall really fun time. Ah, I don't always mind being social, you see!

Today, I'm off to the Philippines and the welcoming arms of M and D! What lies I have told you: the Vietnam/Cambodia travel write-up will clearly not be happening before I go.

the art of day to day living

Friday, I had dinner out with P & her boyfriend and I love them :> They are so sweet and lots of fun and dinner was delicious! We had chwee kueh (yum) and bah ku teh (I am probably misspelling this) which are, respectively, Singaporean style water dumplings (not dumplings at all) and pork rib tea soup. Soooo good. Then we wandered around Jurong Point a bit, which is this gigantic ass mall full of food and shops and energy and each store blasting pop music (whether American or Chinese or Korean).

This weekend I have been recovering from my cold and am more or less better except for this infernal cough. That's been fun! And by fun I mean I finally gave in and bought some fucking medicine - it is the Singaporean equivalent of Theraflu, I guess. Lemon-flavored powdered medicine to which I add hot water and then drink. So that helped a lot with the decongestion and throat pain, but the cough remains. =__=; Ah well, there is only so much I can do, I guess, other than wait it out. I'm still inhaling water and tea at alarming rates.

I will get my shit together for the Philippines! This will require a bank trip at some point, potentially. Oh god, and packing, I should do that before i leave, yeah? Leaving Wednesday though, so I have some time to start making my lists (lists! my lifesavers!).

Lately, it has been so sticky muggy hot that I kind of want to claw my skin off. My ideal temperature range is from 15 - 23 C (57 - 74 F or thereabouts), so this is not a happy Mei. Having a cold in the summer is the worst and in Singapore it is summer all the fucking time, ergo having a cold in Singapore is the worst. Intolerable. I'll go check on the Philippines' weather now.

GOOD SPORTS NEWS: Carolina beat Duke 81-67 for the ACC regular season championship. ♥ We have come so far this season; it is so lovely. Let's go Heels for March Madness. :) Though to be honest I'm not sure how well I'll be able to keep up here in Singapore. In other fabulous sports news, Liverpool routed Man Utd 3-1 at Anfield yesterday with a Kuyt hat trick. Mmm, lovely. Biggest rivalries and some big wins.

sunday afternoons are best filled with books

This afternoon, I finally got to meet up with D! It makes me so happy to have finally met her in person and we had a good time together. The nice thing about meeting people face-to-face you've already known for years is that there is really no awkwardness because you already know everything about each other, basically.

I dragged her around a bit, getting lost in Bugis on a hunt for bubble tea (I completely misplaced Koi somehow, despite passing it numerous times in the past, so we ended up at Sweet Talk), and then we went shopping at the DC Superheroes store (she got a Green Lantern shirt for her boyfriend; I got a Super Girl/수퍼걸 shirt - how many of you actually get the inside joke?). Next we made stops at Borders, with a break for coffee, and ended at Kinokuniya. I love bookstores, dear lord. They always remind me how much I want to own my own place and have the space and income to fill shelf after shelf with all sorts of books. I dream the big dream, you guys.

Kinokuniya is probably the end-all be-all of my favorite bookstores so far, if not for the ridiculously hiked up prices on English books. Thank you import tariffs. Prices aside, the selection of books available kind of make me want to cry with happiness inside. Thankfully, I did not embarrass myself. Thankfully, I did not go find a copy of The Giving Tree to read in public (another way to guarantee I will embarrass myself by crying in public).

I will get to see D again in March, when I go visit her in the Philippines and we go off on our beach adventure! ♥ I'm looking forward to my many travels, but first I must finish off my writing assignments and then I must make pleading eyes at my parents for more money. Better to be in debt to them than the government, right?

Perhaps I should start advancing my plans to marry a millionaire. Not as easy as Harlequin makes it sound, unfortunately.

everything is more than it seems

I've had a busy, busy weekend, thus my lack of updating! I have been out and about most of the days away from my computer and the internet until late at night, when I am too busy to update anyway. C is here visiting, so we've been having a lot of fun together. I took her out and around for food and shopping, we met up with B on Friday night to explore Chinatown, and then we did concerts Saturday and Sunday nights, where we met up with all sorts of people, from S to A to G and their assorted friends. Good times were had, and that's a phenomenal understatement. Some things can't quite be put into words.

It was hard to get back into the swing of school today, but I had my 9am class and then met with my professor afterwards for coffee so I could pick his brain or something. He's a really interesting guy. Extremely intelligent and proud of his accomplishments - he's good and he knows it and he knows you know it too, so he sort of expects acknowledgment. It's not as matter-of-fact, the way he talks about it, but it's not aggravating either. I'm not sure how he pulls it off.

In any case, while we were chatting, the topic turned to being Asian in the U.S. and being Asian in Singapore and, inevitably, racism. Then he comes out with this, dry:

"I was in New York last month, and I was at Saks Fifth Avenue shopping. The sales clerk - I couldn't tell if it was racism or just plain rudeness. (It's hard to tell in New York.)"

I snickered because, okay, fair enough. We had a really interesting conversation about free speech, though, and when it gets out of hand, and all sorts of other interesting things. Maybe I will go into academia. Researching and writing about these things seems much more interesting than practicing law itself because, well, you know me: I am the type to over-think and over-analyze, but am less active on the "doing" things side. I could push myself to change that, but academia also seems like a comfortable niche to cultivate that preexisting compunction. We'll see.

oh right, I'm here for school

This is the long-promised post about classes! I'll start backwards, chronologically.

My Thursday class is Human Rights in Asia, which is a fascinating topic. Unfortunately, there is a positively wretched amount of reading for it, which goes a long way in dampening my enthusiasm. The professor is incredibly knowledgeable as well, but oh man does she have trouble delivering her wealth of knowledge to the class in a clear and concise manner. She doesn't use slides but rather lectures at us, scribbles on the whiteboard in a haphazard manner, starts lists but doesn't finish them, and loses herself on tangents without finding her way back to the main point. It makes me so aggravated, oh god. The J part of the INFJ in me is just shouting for a properly outlined and structured approach to the class, with every nicely delineated and neatly tied together. Or at the very least some sort of logical flow. Do I ask for too much?

But really, the topic is fascinating. We've touched so far on broad issues like how to define human rights law in Asia (Who's a human? Slaves didn't used to be. When does life start? What are rights? Are they positive or negative? How are they different from needs or interests? What is a law? Where is Asia? When is the Middle East? Etc.) and the cultural relativism argument (Human rights are a form of Western cultural imperialism; other places in the world can take different apprroaches to human rights, etc.).

Tuesday mornings I have Legal Issues in Virtual Worlds, which I originally thought would be something like Internet law. Something like that indeed, but more narrow: it's actually about rules in virtual worlds like Starcraft, World of Warcraft, Maplestory, Second Life, SIMs, etc. and how laws in the real world affect those virtual worlds. It's the geekiest class ever, but so hilarious. At least half the class are trufax gamers, so it's kind of surreal and definitely amusing to have a forty-some-year-old female professor lecture us about the intricacies of games probably half the class is far more intimately familiar with. (Granted, she probably knows the legal issues far better.)

This past week we had guest lecturer who focused on the cultural aspects of gaming rather than the legal aspects, and introduced her lecture with talk about the growth of the Asian entertainment market. She touched on the Korean wave and included examples such as Korean dramas, kpop, a Thai movie set in Korea, and a Filipino boy band staged to copy kpop's style. It was hilarious to see all the Asians in class grinning and acknowledging these familiar pop culture influences, while all the foreign exchange students stared in bafflement. "Wonder Girls? Never heard of them," their expressions seemed to say.

On Mondays, I have two classes! In the afternoon I have Law & Development in China, which is another interesting class that is difficult to suffer through because, oh my god, the professor's monotone voice. He also does that awful thing where he continually poses questions at students so we listen to uninformed and waffling opinions for twenty minutes without learning anything on a topic that would take the professor five minutes to sum up. I hate why-don't-you-tell-me-your-uninformed-opinions discussion time; my 1L property class was nothing but that and clearly I learned no property law, as it was my worst grade in law school to date.

Thankfully, I have a little background in this due to my seminar in Chinese law with Minzner last year. My final in this class is a paper on China; I plan on making heavy use of either my seminar paper (legal status of homosexuality in China over time) or my Note (development of a sustainable legal NGO in China). I.e., the research I already put into both.

Monday mornings is my favorite class ever ever ever. Ever. It's Entertainment Law: Pop Iconography & Celebrity. It is basically every single subject in law I'm interested in combined all togetther: copyright law, trademark law, contract law, freedom of speech issues, right to privacy, right to publicity, etc. And, of course, huge amounts of pop culture. I'm a pro. This is my happy place. If this class were a person, I would have dirtyfilthyawesome sex with it. I don't even care that it's at 9am on a Monday morning; it fills me with such glee. Everything about it is interesting to me, plus we get loads of pictures and videos as lecture visual aids.

On top of all this? PROFESSOR, OH PROFESSOR. He is young and pretty cute (I guess?? I dunno, I am not personally attracted to him, but objectively I think he is pretty good-looking?) and smart: law degree at Melbourne, masters at Harvard, Ph.D. from Melbourne, and now teaching at NUS. What else? ALSO A FASHION PHOTOGRAPHER. Why do I find this absolutely hilarious? Probably because those two careers are such a strange match. I don't know anything about photography, but man, can I just say that he takes a lot of pictures of very attractive shirtless men? (There are women too! They are clothed.)

And a bonus note of pure geekery: OH MY GOD HIS SLIDES ARE SO DELICIOUSLY CLEAN AND WELL ORGANIZED AND PRETTILY FORMATTED AND UNF NOT TOO MUCH TEXT, NOT TOO MANY MESSY PICTURES PILED TO THE EDGES, GREAT COLOR SCHEME, GOD IT'S LIKE A POWERPOINT ORGASM. Seriously. YOu have no idea how many hideous powerpoints I've seen in my academic career. His are amazing. The cherry on top of the proverbial sundae, I suppose you could say.

Now to fill in more background info: the law faculty has a separate campus from the main one where most everyone lives. There's a free direct shuttle from the main campus to the law campus, which takes about 20-30 minutes (depending on traffic). There's a canteen on the law campus where I eat lunch typically Mondays and Tuesdays since I'm there; the selection is decent, I suppose, but definitely cheap, which goes a long way. Also: coffee is 70 cents and fills me with joy and caffeine.

The other exchange students on the whole are all pretty chill, pretty nice people. Generally they seem to enjoy clubbing and drinking more than I ever will (but that's just me, I've an old woman and an introvert; I prefer my quiet outings with smaller groups), and sometimes I'm not sure they're at all interested in seeing the "real" Singapore as much as just having a good time in all the tourist traps and ex-pat spots, but to each their own, right? So long as they're having a good time and I'm having a good time, whatever.

Oh fashion-photog!prof, I am going to email you and meet with you and have coffee and basically make you tell me how to get into your field or possibly your job. /CRANKS UP THE CHARISMA

MISSION Shoe Shopping: success!

I spent the day out yesterday with S - Korean food for lunch (두부 찌개, can we talk about how delicious that was? Okay, it was ridiculously delicious, this place made excellent food), and then Marina Square for some shopping. I've been told over and again by Singaporeans (and people who live here) that, "Oh, Singapore's kind of boring, really. All we do is eat and shop." Really? All you do? I don't have a problem at all with this. I feel like could live with eating and snacking and drinking coffee/bubble tea/juice and then walking it all off as I shop around - somehow. I will pull through.

S is a total sweetheart and we had a lot of fun. She's thinking about a Korea trip next month and was perusing winter clothing because, unlike Singapore, Korea actually gets a bit cold during the winter months. I was looking at shoes because there is nothing more I loathe than shoe-shopping in the States, but it is slightly easier in Asia. Even then, I have to tell you, my feet are about a size too small than the smallest size offered. I managed, however, to find two pairs of shoes that were both cute and affordable, so now I have my glitzy flip fops that can withstand all sudden rain showers as per Singapore's norm, and a pair of heels. Because a girl always needs more heels. When she is me and my height anyway.





We chatted the entire afternoon about Singapore and about kpop, which I had left behind, damn it. Yet she is stirring these banked fires of interest once again. I'm not sure if I can resist, especially with an SJM comeback scheduled for this month or so. Not so deeply buried in my heart is this undying love for some of these boys.

That aside, we stopped by a Korean supermarket to stock up on snacks and grabbed dinner at a Japanese fast food place - Yoshinoya, which was pretty good. I didn't feel like KFC. A lot of the Western exchange students have been despairing about eating Asian food every meal, every single day, and have been talking about craving a burger. I suppose I'm lucky enough that I'm accustomed to eating Asian food all the time and it only makes me happy how much variety of Asian food there is available in Singapore. My love for rice and noodles are limitless. Not to say I couldn't do with burger or a waffle or something once in a while, but for the most part I am happy with what I have. (Plus, Western food tends to be far more expensive...)

Today: laundry, Top Chef episode, class reading, class! As you can see, my schedule is fast resembling every other typical, ordinary day back in the States with school in session. I need to start planning these trips out of the country!

我在你心中只是 just a friend

There's nothing like a weekend with people you chose to love to remind you that the people around you are not the ones you chose...

They (whoever they might be) say: "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with."

How true is this, though? It sounds like good advice, but is it as easy or as plausible as it seems?

Sometimes circumstances force proximity and proximity for an extended period of time creates a false impression of emotional closeness. This is not always true. But it's the way we cope, because when it's make nice with those around you or spend an eon caught in perpetual awkwardnes...the choice isn't really a difficult one. Still, within that group of friends-through-circumstance, there will be some with whom you are closer, some who are probably people you would have chosen to love even without the external factors of environment.

But, one might argue, every situation in life provides external circumstances that force proximity: school, of course, and then work. You don't get to choose where you grow up because that's in your parents' hands; you don't get to choose the kind of people in your class or in your school. In the same way, you don't get to choose your co-workers or your supervisors, which is why people always tell horror stories from work. This is all true. But there are still levels of forced proximity: law school or the workplace, for instance, provide much smaller groups of people you see every day. College, on the other hand, especially state universities like the one I went to, provide such a vast sea of people from which you can pick your friends. This is why people say you make your lifelong friends in college - because they are people you choose to love and that kind of relationship lasts longer. Similarly, the internet provides that kind of wide selection pool where you can pick and choose your friends on whatever criteria you choose: similar interests in books, similar viewpoints on politics, similar worldviews about religion or what-have-you.

When you choose to connect to people on a personal level, the relationship tends to last because you've committed past certain levels of trust. You've opened yourself up to being vulnerable on things that really matter to you, unlike when you connect only on superficial interests such as, oh, basketball or reading or (for instance) kpop. Of course, you can make the argument that certain shared interests can reflect connections on a personal level (e.g., the type of material someone enjoys reading may say something about the kind of person they are and the way they think and approach the world). Still, on the whole, I'm wary of making friendships rooted solely in superficial interests.

No, that is phrased badly. Those friends are good ones to have, because it is always fun to have people you can talk to about those shared interests, with whom you can be enthusiastic without having to explain or justify yourself. I would just recommend (for myself, primarily) in keeping cautious about depending on them for more personal matters; go instead to the people you trust, the people who really know you. They might not be the ones who will shout at or flail at the TV with you, but they are the ones who will love you and support you and advise you in your best interests.

The weekend in NYC made me realize that L&L are people I trust and love; they are trusted, truest friends. I have things in common with them that go beyond liking kpop or liking aquariums or liking delicious Asian food - and that means I don't feel like I have to feel uncomfortable around them. I don't feel like I have to hide so much from them.

Really, the point of this post is just to say that I am grateful for all of my friends, but in particular those I feel most myself around. And that those friends are not necessarily the ones I see every day or that I talk to the most often. They might be; but they don't have to be. I chose to love you and I am thankful for you. :)

朋友一生一起走 那些日子不再有

Leaving New York and L&L recalls for me leaving Seoul last summer, after Super Show: it aches with a reluctance to leave behind one of the best experiences I've ever had. It's partly the city, partly the people, and partly just the entire experience, which has been composed of memory-making moments, incredible amounts of happiness, and a sense of being removed from my mundane reality. I'm so loath to return to the real world. It's harder than last summer too because from Seoul I only returned to Beijing, still a summer in a place a love, despite the work tied to it; leaving New York, I've come back to St. Louis and law school, and I have to hit the ground running. I have a full day of classes tomorrow, I have a Korean quiz to make up, reading to do, an assignment due Wednesday, and a seminar paper to work on. I don't have time to dwell and relive the memories - maybe it will be for the best.

Still, I will probably forgo sleep later tonight or later this week to upload pictures to Facebook or tinypic; I want to share a fraction of the fun I had and show people what I look like when I'm happy. Remember that? Sometimes I forget what it's like.

L&L I had so much fun doing silly things, being touristy, camwhoring, talking, joking. We ate so many delicious things, sang karaoke, got tipsy, talked about celebrity crushes, and shared our fears and thoughts about families and futures. I don't know how to put into words how memorable the weekend was, how it was one of the best I've ever had.

In recent memory, the weekend in Seoul (July 16-19) and the weekend in NYC (March 26-29) have been the most memorable experiences in my life. Because they've helped me rediscover parts of myself and because they've given me reasons (and reminders) to love life. I loved life. I don't know if they are all that life-changing, but they have carved deep impressions in me. I know a large part of why they have attained this pedestal status in my mind is because they are rare, one-of-a-kind, unlikely to be repeated and all the more precious for it: still, I will never regret them.

L&L are like my little sisters - but more than that, they are true friends. I love you guys. It's hard to say goodbye to you, to our weekend, to my brief little escape from reality.

I will another time detail the adventures of this weekend. ♥

be open to learning from life

Yesterday, I flew home from St. Louis to Raleigh. As I got onto the regional jet (a very small plane), the blonde flight attendant was standing by the open cockpit door, eating something off a styrofoam plate and chatting with the pilot. My initial reaction was to be annoyed, because I think if you're going to be in the service industry, you should do your job well, and that means smiling and being polite no matter who you deal with. Having been in the service industry (food, at least, not quite a flight attendant - though I have considered that as an alternative life path, because in Asia at least it is a well-respected, decently-paying job where you are only any good when you are young and beautiful, but I digress), I expect people to at least smile and express some sort of welcome. It's not that difficult.

My flight was full of middle-aged North Carolinians, eager to fly home. A number of them were also Carolina Hurricane (hockey) fans, and were chatting happily about the game that night against Boston. As the flight attendant came down the aisle to prepare for take-off, she stopped at the seat in front of mine where the man is getting text messages on the score from a friend at the game.

"Now, sir," she said mock-severely, "you should have put that away already!"

This turned into a good-natured ribbing, where the man offered to pay the pilot $1 per update on the game and she laughed and said that he doesn't need the money.

Later in our flight, the captain welcomed us to our flight over the intercom, and threw in a little nod of recognition to the Hurricanes fans on board. It made me smile, because suddenly the flight was much more friendly.

As the flight continued, Missy, the flight attendant, continued joking around with the man in front of me. I began to realize I had misjudged her, because she was actually very nice, and much more personable than many a flight attendant I've come across. She was very attentive while passing out drinks, as well.

Halfway through the flight, the captain announced an update on the game: despite a 2-0 start for Boston, the score was now 2-1. The 'Canes had scored.

The man in front of me pumped his fist. "Yes!" he exclaimed.

And it was about then that I realized I was hiding a smile, and that I liked the Southern mentality of being hospitable, being friendly to strangers, and generally making nice. While I am an excellent Northerner in that I can ignore people sitting next to me except for the briefest "Excuse me", it makes me happy inside when people are more than just polite to each other, but actually friendly. It restores a little faith in humanity, and reminds me that, no matter how much people can plain suck sometimes, people can also be incredible.

So I learned on my short one and a half hour flight last night that I shouldn't make snap judgments about people, or should at least be open to changing my mind and admitting I was wrong about someone. I learned that I like friendly people, and that it generally applies to Southerners (despite my also excellent Northerner gripe about the South; sometimes I pretend to be elitist). I learned that I really do consider North Carolina home. Not just the place I've lived the longest, or the place my family lives, but home. In all its connotations.

The day before that, M and I were talking about New York, and how he loves it because it's busy and alive. He complained that when he goes back to Maryland, there's nothing to do anymore. "Oh," I said, "there's really not that much to do in North Carolina either, when I think about it. But I still love it."

He looked at me. "Well," he said, "that's because it's home."

2009 Men's NCAA Tournament

Bitches! National champions!

Fuck yeah.

14 love letters

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! ♥

Fourteen love letters.

01
We've drifted apart somewhat, but that's only to be expected, with the physical distance separating us. It's okay, though. I don't think we need to be in constant communication with each other to still care. I guess this is part of what growing up is about. I hope you know that no matter where life takes you, I will always love you for who you are, same and different from the person that I am. You will live your own life and I will live mine, but there will always be something that ties us together, and I'm grateful for that. It's this thing we call friendship.

02
"I was too young to see that you were always there for me." Thank you for everything you've done for me, everything you've given up and struggled over. I didn't appreciate it when I was younger but I hope that as I grow up, as I mature, I come to truly appreciate you the way I should. No matter what differences in our world perspectives, I am yours, and I love you. I will do everything I can to make you proud and happy. Thank you for wanting the best for me.

03
You take care of me and you make me laugh; I feel so comfortable with you. I feel like I can ask you for advice, talk to you about anything, joke with you about stupid things. You are truly the older sister I never had, but to have you now makes me feel incredibly lucky. I'm so glad that you're in my life, and I hope to be whatever you need me to be, in return. We can take on this life and make something positive out of it.

04
You, on the other hand, are the little sister I never had. I have a number of friends I care for and give advice to, but you somehow fill the role better than any of them. Sometimes I don't know what to do with you, and sometimes I don't know what advice I can give to help - but I will always listen, and I will always care. Thank you for trusting me enough to turn to me when you need someone. When you're down, remember that you're one of my most important people (perhaps surprisingly). I love you, so take care of yourself, okay?

05
We haven't talked as much this semester, but I understand what life is like. We drown in our respective academic careers, not usually by choice, but often enough because we share the same priorities and hopes. Know that I understand, so don't ever worry if time has lapsed into weeks before we catch up. Know, too, that if you want, I will cheerfully listen to anecdotes about your life, or complaints, or anything, because you're - I don't know quite what you are. Good friend, practically sister, someone I trust and admire and love deeply. Come see me this semester.

06
I don't know how exactly to define how I feel about you, except that you are definitely one of my closest friends. You may even be one of my best friends. I feel completely comfortable talking about my worst fears and ugliest insecurities, as well as what I want out of life. But I am also constantly stupid and silly around you too, joking and teasing and being ridiculous. I feel incredibly myself around you, which is not true of all my friendships. So...thanks for that, I guess. For being you. I hope you feel the same way, and I hope it lasts forever. :) Pretending to be something I'm not has never worked out well for me.

07
You're a combination of young and old for me, a combination of naivety that doesn't quite yet get it just because you haven't had the life experiences yet (but I don't mean this in a patronizing way at all, because I'm much the same - I know I'm sheltered and "innocent" in many respects to life at large) and the ability to understand the intricacies of human relationships. You have your priorities in order, I think. At least, the most important of them. They will guide your life, so I don't really worry about you. You will grow up and learn and be successful, because you know what's important. Also, I love you. I love talking to you and I miss that, but I understand. And it will be okay regardless, because we're us.

08
For all that I constantly talk about how much I dislike you, I know you have qualities I admire. I know people like you for a reason. Hell, I like you, and there are reasons for that too. I think you do know what's important in life, which I fiercely support. I think you care deeply about people, which is generally admirable, even if it occasionally causes you stress and unhappiness. I think you try (maybe not hard enough), but at least you try. Remember what's important and what's not; remember that you need to take time off and enjoy life (make memories), but remember that the priorities need to be put first. You know what you want in life, so get out there and work for it.

09
I love the way you make me laugh. I love the way you make me smile. I love your singing, your talent, your hard work. I love the way you're familiar and beautiful and a reminder of some of the best times of my life. I love you for showing me what some of the most important things in life are. Thank you.

10
I don't know how many times or how many ways I can say this, but you are incredible. You're one of the people I admire most in the world because of the way you live your life: you're so intelligent and observant. You narrate extremely well. You're thoughtful. You're creative. You can make something out of your life, and I will be glad to know you. I'm glad we're keeping in touch and I hope it will always be true; distance will never separate us, because I will make every effort to close those distances. You're another person I feel like I can tell everything, no matter how different we are (and we are quite different). I hope we will never lose this. I will not let us ever lose this. Now come back to me. :)

11
I don't know if we'll ever be best friends, but you know what? I like you a lot. I like spending time with you. I like joking with you and teasing each other. I think we share a lot of the same interests and values, and you're a lot of fun. There's no need for us to be BFF - we each have people in our lives who are incredibly important. I think it's okay for us to just be what we are: good friends.

12
I told you everything I thought, good and bad, for two years. You listened. You talked. I listened. This is something that establishes a firm friendship. It's harder this year, since I'm far away, but I do still care. I hope you realize that. I may not be enough, and I can't do everything, but I hope I can still do (be) something. And it is always, always awesome that you understand my unadulterated passion for UNC basketball. That is one thing we will always have, easy.

13
You and I have a lot of memories. We have a lot of history. We have a lot of firsts and a lot empty space between us, in terms of time and space. I don't think it changes the fact that we're important to each other though; I hope not. What I say here can apply to so many people, because it's true in all respects: we grow apart, we grow up, but we don't stop caring. I think that's the most important part. You have overcome so much - I admire you so deeply for it. In your place, I don't know what I would have done. I count myself lucky in so many ways, to not have to go through the same things you have, but also to know you and your strength. I love you and I'm proud of you. Thank you also for helping me through some of my more difficult times.

14
I love your smile. I love your style. I love your intelligence and humor and elitism. I love you for spending time with me, for letting me get to know you. I love you for giving me memories, for helping me as a writer, for developing my sense of humor, for giving me an opportunity to critique. We may never be best friends, but you'll always be a part of my life, an important part of shaping who I am now. Let's keep in touch.

i'm sorry i can't say it to your face

01. I know we're not that close, but way to shaft me. It hurts, and we might've been good friends, but now I don't really want to bother. Just go ahead and hang out with my friends, whatever. I think I'll just be antisocial for life. But also: fuck you. I don't care whether or not it was intentional, it was still a shitty thing to do. God, I'm in a pissy mood.

02. I like you a lot, I really do. I just don't think we have that much in common - which usually wouldn't stop me, but we just don't seem to have much to talk about. We don't really hang out. You're closer to other people and I'm okay with that. Really.

03. I like you when you're not being cute with the guys. Or trying to be cute. I don't know what it is, but that really rubs me the wrong way. Outside of that though, I think you're great. You're fun to hang out with and talk to, except I suppose when you get incredibly stressed. But that happens to all of us. I think the hardest part is dealing with my own anxieties. Sometimes I think I'm afraid you'll replace me.

04. Distance has put some things in perspective for me, and that perspective is telling me that you're young and we don't really have that much in common. I should tell you to live out your glamorous life now while you can, but I don't really want to, since you're doing it already, and being a bit supercilious about it too. I gotta say it: you're not anywhere close to my favorite person at the moment.

05. I miss you.

06. You're my favorite. You've done so much to help me, but you've shown me that you're not infallible either. You're vulnerable, too, despite seeming like you can solve the world's problems. I love you. Thank you.

07. I guess we were never really best friends; it was more a matter of convenience. I guess I'm okay with that. I still like you a lot and I still think we're, well, pretty good friends.

08. Sometimes I really love you. Sometimes I think you just don't get it. But what can I do? To each his or her own. You have to live and learn.

09. I just want to make you proud, but I'm always afraid I won't be good enough. You've worked so hard and I don't know how I can begin to pay everything back. On the other hand, though, there are times when I feel like you will never quite understand me, or where I'm coming from. But I suppose that doesn't change too much in the grand scheme of things. The important things remain.

10. I like you least of everyone I've ever met. I think you're weak, and useless, and you try but not hard enough. I think you rationalize away things to make yourself feel better when deep down you know it's not the case. It's pretty sad to watch, really. I do like some things about you, but there's so much I don't like about you that I...I'm just confused when other people like you. What do they see? Maybe they just don't see enough. Maybe if you change, one day you'll be good enough. You do have some good points. Work on those.

Happy 2009: reflection on 2008

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
I traveled internationally by myself! I went to Korea! And I suppose things that don't quite count: I graduated college and went to law school. Oh, I also worked in a Chinese restaurant - that was new. Oh, and tried some girly cocktails and like Midori Sour and Fuzzy Navel. :) I think I did lots of new things this year, which is always nice.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
...what were my new years' resolutions? I should, um, go look.

-get into law school (check!)
-figure out and implement a proper study schedule (I guess this worked...)
-call home at least once a week (I'm pretty sure this didn't happen, haha)
-dance (occasionally)
-have a good last semester in college (some parts ended up more stressful than I would've liked, but generally yes)
-learn enough Korean as to not be completely lost in Korea! (not as much as I would've liked, but MY & I weren't completely lost! so this counts as a success)

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. For which I'm grateful.

5. What countries did you visit?
China! Korea! :D

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A chance to meet up with CD and LZ and maybe even KZ and SZ (long shot, I think). The first two look plausible though (okay the first one is guaranteed, pretty much). Maybe talk to VS on the phone, if she ever gets one. :) Go to Africa! Ooh, maybe go to Hollywood Bowl? I think I had a pretty good 2008, honestly, but I'd never turn down more opportunities in 2009 for any variety of new things.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
August 08, 2008 - China's Olympic moment. ♥
November 06, 2008 - TC. :)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Making it through my first semester of law school without dying. Honestly. And hopefully not failing, either. It was tough at times, especially towards the end of the semester. I had moments of panic and anxiety. Overall, though, it was a learning experience (in more than just the classroom), and the people there (and everywhere) helped. ♥

9. What was your biggest failure?
I-I don't know. Probably my grades. Let me think more on this.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
My archives say I was sick on New Year's Day of 2008, and I think I might've gotten a little sick during my May finals. I've been fine the rest of the year, though! Just occasionally stressed out and sometimes totally exhausted, but no real illness or injury. :)

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Three copies of SJM's album! No, no, just kidding, seriously. Best purchase was probably my adorably tiny Asus EEE PC. :) And my shiny little external harddrive.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
LP, TC, JC, VS, LZ, KT, CM, AH, SC. You've all stood out in my minds for various reasons this past year and I'm grateful. For little things and little moments, for laughter and fun and friendship. For support and love. ♥ Be with me again next year, okay? I will do my best to be there for everyone (above included) too.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Mine, mostly. TC's confused me for a while. And I've had a few moments of sceptical doubt regarding certain people's behaviors, but it hasn't lasted.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Law school. No kidding, you guys? Then rent, food, clothes. Sounds practical, doesn't it? I hope so - I need to be far more careful with money this next semester.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
SJM. ♥ All year long, but especially over the summer. Super Show DVD~ Mostly fandom stuff including recent Big Bang and Wonder Girls performances. Non-fandom stuff, totally the trip to China and Korea with MY. Memories forever!

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2008?
光荣 by BOBO, lulz. The song that played on repeat as MY & I stood around in the blinding sun for three hours at the BOBO fanmeet. Also, Beijing Welcomes You/北京欢迎你 and, a little bit, SJM's U and ME(迷).

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier, I think. I have a lot to be grateful for this year.
ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter! :D By, like, 3 pounds! This is good news, you guys. One day I will actually break 100lbs for good.
iii. richer or poorer? Ahahaha, so much poorer. Oh loans.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Spend time with MY. :( Talk on the phone with important people. Kept in better touch with ES and others. Spend more time with CS and LY, even. I can't wish that I'd studied more because I studied so much - but I think I'm always going to feel like I could've done more. And I did have fun with people in STL. :) Karaoke + drinking + eating + Rock Band + cooking~!

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Been insecure about stupid things like what goes on with people on LJ.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Spent Christmas with my family at home in NC, then went to the Zhaos' house for dinner. Watched Prince Caspian there...and oh didn't that lead to all sorts of horrible things. ;D

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
I may have.

23. How many one-night stands?
None, thanks.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
We-ell, I still don't really watch TV. But what I've caught, I do enjoy Cash Cab and Top Chef. I think I still like Jeopardy better though. :3 I'm a traditionalist sometimes, haha.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope.

26. What was the best book you read?
...I had time to read books this year? Well, maybe earlier on in the year. Hmm, oh, probably The King's Own then, just because it was fantastic out of the, like, 6 new books I read this year.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
...does SJM count? Otherwise, I've got nothing for you.

28. What did you want and get?
Graduation! Trip to China & Korea (and seeing MY again)! Random merchandise and clothes there! Er - a new laptop, an external. Calvin & Hobbes books. Friends in STL. ♥

29. What did you want and not get?
Straight As in May. :( Probably didn't get straight As in law school either (let's not joke). Ugh, I'll be happy with the median, please please please.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
...so I have this thing where I don't really watch movies. Did I watch movies? What movies came out this year? Can I say Prince Caspian? I'm, um, going to go ahead and say that.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 21 and I was in STL! I had a dinner with some people from my section at school but we didn't really get to know each other. RM and LP and JZ were there! But I abandoned them to go hang out with CS and LY. Ah, but things worked out.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Straight As. Well, I don't know. Other than that, I don't think I have much to complain about. I don't think there could be any one thing that would have made my life that much better. (Unless maybe going to the May Hollywood Bowl, lol.)

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Fobby cute on some days and hopeless casual on other days, because it was cold and I was lazy.

34. What kept you sane?
SJM, LP, LZ, TC.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Okay, throughout most of the year, it was Lee Donghae. ♥ Ask me again now and I would have a harder time answering that question. (Also, Skandar Keynes makes me *__*.)

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The Olympics. And that shouldn't have been political. To be honest, I never got that stirred up about the presidential race because I knew Obama was going to win. It was kind of obvious he would, even if it wasn't the landslide it ended up being.

37. Who did you miss?
Family. MY. JC. AY. KT, CW, VP.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Did we meet this year, VS? I guess you count. ♥ You win only because I've known you longer, otherwise I'd have a hard time deciding between, umm, certain others.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
For some reason, people like me. So don't get so wrapped up in my insecurities that I end up pushing them away. Also: remember to keep trying.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

This is such a retarded question. Like your entire year of experiences, good and bad, can be summed up by a few words? I don't think so.

But here's some good advice:

笑一笑没有什么大不了 just smile and there's nothing you can't overcome
--Rainbow's Smile by Cyndi Wang (Smiling Pasta OST)


Happy New Year! ♥

it's all about the here and now

Today, my brother turned 12. I called him and wished him a happy birthday. My mom told me she'd bought the ingredients to make me one of my favorite meals when I got home. ♥ I love my family. It will be good to go home. Living in St. Louis and going to law school here has probably been the longest I've been from home; around four months now that I haven't seen my family. I've been okay and not unhappily homesick, but there have been occasions where I've missed the familiarity of family, and it will be nice to go back.

Today, I finished my first semester as a law student. Property was not as disastrous as it could've been, for which I'm grateful. We'll see how my grades turn out, but at this point, I'm just ecstatic to be done. There's still a lot I need to do over break in terms of applying to jobs and working on my writing sample, but I'll still have time to do relaxing things. And at least I won't have to worry about classes or exams for the next two weeks.

Today, I had dinner with some incredibly lovely and fantastic (my favorite!) people as an early celebration of L's birthday. I love them all and I'm so happy to have found them here in STL. I'm especially grateful to L for what she's been to me - close friend, older sister, almost mother at times. She is definitely one to remember. I wish I knew what to get her for her birthday that could even begin to indicate how thankful I am for her and how much I appreciate her.

Today, I have cleaned! It is incredibly de-stressing and a great way to feel accomplished. You see immediate results and you feel as though your hard work were justified, rewarding, and worthwhile. All good stuff.

Today, I'm happy. :)

you should know that i don't always hate the world

Every few months, at least once or twice a year, I remember.

(What? The important things in life.)

--

"Do you want food?" he asks. "Or just coffee?"

"Whatever's fine," I say. "I already ate breakfast with my roommates."

He glances at me before returning his gaze to the road. "You do a lot of things with your roommates."

"Well," I say, and I'm laughing a little, teasing a little, "isn't it normal? I do live with them in the same apartment. Occasionally we're there the same time and, you know, eat together."

It's a silly example, maybe, but it reflects a lot of why I feel so blessed today. (Do I mean "lucky"? "Grateful"?) I did have breakfast with my roommates, and I had coffee and a long conversation with T. I saw other people for a bit and talked to other people on the phone. I have a great group of friends who make me happy, and I think I should appreciate that more.

I love people and I miss people, but, you know. Let me be sappy. I have a lot of people in my life, people I've met in person, people I haven't, people I've talked to over the phone, people I've shared experiences with - these people make up my life, and they make me so happy. They care for me and I'm so lucky in that regard. Even when I complain, or when I'm unhappy, sad or angry or moody, I love people.

I love to try to give advice, or to receive advice, or just to be silly or talk about kidnapping fat Korean babies. I love catching up with people or complaining about things with people, or laughing at retarded things on Youtube with people. I love fangirling with people, or reminiscing, or just being there together as we die over Property or Contracts. I love eating and talking with people, caring, knowing they care, listening, trying, being.

I want to reach out more, because there are still more people I care about and want to gather back, to enfold in some sort of embrace of hey, I care about you, no matter how long it's been. I want to make a difference in your life, however little, because you've all made an impact on my life.

You make me happy. This world makes me happy. I should try to remember that.

Cold weather, fall leaves, blue sky, warm blankets. Hot coffee, green tea, freshly-cooked Chinese food. Vitamin water with pomegranate, K's voice, getting all my work done ahead of time. Phone calls and text messages and facebook chat and MSN and letters and emails and every way I can reach out to you. I love it.

I love you. Thanks.

I just need you to know this. I appreciate you. Knowing you makes me happy.

conversations.

Wednesday.

Mei: I hate bumperstickers.
L: Me too! They're like...tattoos on your ass. If you were walking around naked. And no one wants to walk around naked, do they?
R: Well, I don't know if anyone would get "OBAMA" tattooed to their ass...
L: I don't know. Maybe some people feel really strongly about this stuff.
R: Well, I feel strongly. Maybe I should get Obama's face tattooed to my inner thigh.
Mei: ...that would be beyond awkward.
L: Well, not many people would see it.
R: Right? Except the people who saw it would be in the situation where it's like, "oh, um, I'm really not in the mood anymore..." Probably because they had a tattoo of McCain on their inner thigh.
L: You could make them make out!
Mei: *dying* What the fuck. Why am I friends with you guys?

--

Thursday.

C: K should just...sing all the time.
Mei: *fervently* Yes. He should just go through life as if it were a musical.

--

Friday.

[12:27] xii. whiplash/backlash: SOB I HATE JAPAN
[12:28] — for all you lovers and heartbreakers。: BUT JAPAN LOVES YOU LEER
[12:29] xii. whiplash/backlash: ew

breathe it in and let it out

my life is so much nicer when i don't go online. my life is so much nicer when i don't care about fandom. :) law school people always make me smile and make me feel welcome. they make me laugh. they also make me want a boyfriend. everyone's attached - married or engaged or in a serious relationship. it's strange being single; we're definitely in the minority if we are. i want someone.

i think i'm happy. i think i am.

sometimes it's better not to think at all. just feel and live and breathe.

and sleep.

make something of your world. take it as it is. sometimes the choice isn't in your hands, and it's okay.

if human nature were a reflection

K said to me the other day, "You're my hero in the way you can be so snarky to people and not get caught."

"So I'm your hero because I can be two-faced?" I laughed. But it pulled me up short a little bit, and so did something I witnessed after work today at Alpine.

As fun as it is to get away with saying sarcastic things and knowing other people enjoy your oh-so-witty comments--it's not the kind of person I want to be. Maybe I'm cynical because even the smallest signs of goodness in people really tugs at my heart (or maybe it means I'm a hopeless sap). It's always the small things that make me sit up and notice, make me ache inside, wishing that people could all be the kind of good person that is undoubtedly somewhere inside of them and not the kind of person that makes me impatient and despair of the world (the kind I encounter often at work).

Earlier this semester I was walking to the bus stop. I was carrying some books and a few pieces of paper tucked into them slipped out and onto the ground while I was walking; an older woman on the same path coming from the opposite direction stooped down immediately, before I had time to react. She picked up my papers and handed them back to me with a smile. I said, "Oh! Thank you!" and spent the rest of the walk to the bus stop lost in thought, extraordinarily touched by her small gesture of helpfulness. It wasn't as if she had offered me bone marrow or even offered to drive me to gas station while my car stalled on the highway; this was a little, nearly insignificant action that she probably thought nothing of as she continued on with her life. Butthe disproportionate wonder and gratitude that struck me as a result made a lasting impression on my mind.

This afternoon, I sat at a table near Alpine after work, trying to do some homework. I saw a man, a frequent customer at Alpine, come along the side of the Student Union holding a mug and flipping through his wallet for his money. I knew exactly what he was coming for: a coffee refill. He came by Alpine almost daily and was always, always incredibly friendly. He would smile and wish the cashiers a good morning or afternoon, asking us how we were doing, chatting a little if we weren't too busy. He would always buy a coffee refill, his mug and his money ready, and he would always leave with a warm, "Don't work too hard now." He had come by only this morning, while I worked, and done the very same. When I saw him this afternoon, I was struck out of the blue by an intense gratitude and appreciation for his conscientiousness: getting his money ready ahead of time, coming back to pay for a refill despite how easy it is for customers to just walk in and help themselves to the coffee sitting on the counter. I felt an overwhelming urge to give him coffee for free, a tiny demonstration of my sudden gratitude, to smile and talk to him and somehow let him know that the little things he did mattered: how they brightened my day, to deal with a customer who was always polite, friendly, honest.

I think the idea espoused in Good Omens is true: that humans have a capability for evilness even demons couldn't even dream of, but at the same have the capacity for an overwhelming compassion that surpasses even that of angels. Humans are an incredible paradox--and yet it is true of us all.

Maybe the little gestures hit me hardest because it means they're not orchestrated for show and are instead almost an instinct, natural to us. Maybe it strikes me so much because I want to be that kind of person: friendly, honest, helpful, thoughtful, and sincere. I don't want to be a paragon of virtue, no, but I want to be a good person: a thoroughly, instinctually good person.

How hard can it be?

I wonder.