If ever I once knew, I've since forgotten what poetry is like. Sometimes the lines write themselves in my head but perpetually they refuse to crystalize into any form more tangible. They prefer the amorphous, uncaptured state that leaves me dreaming but ultimately unsatisfied.
It's 2012 and either the world will end, or we will be forced to keep on living. Is it so horrid a prospect? There is much to live for, I discovered last year, if I can see past the blinders of depression. The sun (so says Annie) will come out tomorrow.
Here is our brand new year full of brand new opportunities. It is much like last year, say the cynics. Nothing will change, except foolish optimists will once again find their views tempered by reality. You are yourself and you won't ever be anyone else - and that's true, isn't it? You can never be anything more or anything less than yourself. But perhaps we can change the borders with which we define ourselves.
My past few years have been emotional roller coasters, but predictable ones: I know I will go up; I know I will come down. The past couple months, on the other hand, have held strangely steady. I can't help but be afraid of the inevitable change, the other shoe dropping, because happiness is too lofty, too rarefied, a goal - I don't believe I can achieve it or, if I do, hold onto it. If I am happy now, it must be fleeting.
I suppose it is something like the poetry that floats through my head at times.
Yet I am tentatively hopeful that I can write again this year, that I will; I am tentatively hopeful I can live, and be happy, and that somehow the new year will in fact herald new beginnings. I will ultimately be always myself, but maybe this year, my self can find, reach, keep happiness.
It's not a terrible thing to wish.
It is a far better thing to make it so.
Showing posts with label change is the only constant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label change is the only constant. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
PSA: this is a self-involved post
Sometimes I wonder why people are in need of constant validation when we've been told clearly and plainly in the past that we are loved, appreciated, valued, by the same people we are seeking validation from now. It will always be the same words of Why You Matter and Things We Like About You, so why the need for new reassurances?
I realize it's because people are constantly changing, in a state of flux - I look at the past and think, I was a better person then, maybe, so those words of validation then mean nothing now (or not nothing, but feel less applicable) because I'm afraid I am no longer worthy of them. People are always changing - growing, hopefully, and learning - but it's funny to think that, in the end, our fears stay the same. In the end, the core beliefs and acts and personalities that make us fundamentally ourselves also stay the same, which is why the validations remain the same: you're loved, appreciated, valued for who you are.
I will never tire of telling my friends that, though I often end up afraid they are sick of telling me the same. The difference, perhaps, between being needed and being needy: I'd like to be the former but not the latter.
It's always surprising, too, though pleasantly so, to realize you've made an imprint on more people than you knew or expected. I say I try, mostly, just to be friendly, but it's different to realize that that's had a concrete impact.
I feel pretentious and narcissistic now: good note to end on, yes?
I realize it's because people are constantly changing, in a state of flux - I look at the past and think, I was a better person then, maybe, so those words of validation then mean nothing now (or not nothing, but feel less applicable) because I'm afraid I am no longer worthy of them. People are always changing - growing, hopefully, and learning - but it's funny to think that, in the end, our fears stay the same. In the end, the core beliefs and acts and personalities that make us fundamentally ourselves also stay the same, which is why the validations remain the same: you're loved, appreciated, valued for who you are.
I will never tire of telling my friends that, though I often end up afraid they are sick of telling me the same. The difference, perhaps, between being needed and being needy: I'd like to be the former but not the latter.
It's always surprising, too, though pleasantly so, to realize you've made an imprint on more people than you knew or expected. I say I try, mostly, just to be friendly, but it's different to realize that that's had a concrete impact.
I feel pretentious and narcissistic now: good note to end on, yes?
Saturday, January 1, 2011
welcome to your year
Happy New Year!
I don't really celebrate on new year's eve because I'm always in NC and it's always...quiet. A bit isolating. I love my family, but we're not exactly the type to party and drink in celebration. I would do it with friends, but really I have no close friends here except A, and she has her own circle of close friends here because they live here year-round. I just visit. So I usually have a quiet new year's eve, but it's all right. New years tend to depress me a little bit because they remind me of the wasted opportunities in the past year and all that bright shining hope in the new year - that usually ends in disappointment by the end. Because I am still not as proactive and carpe diem as I should be.
But let's not get into that! I had a good day yesterday - I went to visit A in the afternoon in Apex and we hung out. She had a late lunch at Panera while I clasped a vanilla latte to my chest in the raptures of the addicted, and then we whiled the hours away at Borders.
Every time I visit Borders, I wander past the YA shelves and am aghast. Rows and rows of black-bound books with fancy colored font, all about vampires and werewolves and supernatural romances. Those that aren't are about rich boarding schools and fancy parties with lots of drama. And what remains is all historical fiction (i.e., RPF AU or spin-offs of Jane Austen and her works). Apparently, boys have nothing to read. Slim pickings include zombies and GI Joe novelizations. I am left more determined than ever to write a new best-selling YA series involving a prestigious boarding school full of rich girls in pretty dresses having drama about their supernatural boyfriends: vampires, werewolves, leprechauns, centaurs, god knows what else. Yes, it will be highly successful, can't you tell.
Anyway, after leaving Borders, I returned with A to her house and helped make dumplings. Handmade, homemade, etc. The best way to do dumplings, because the frozen stuff does not compare - and I'd know. I ate so many frozen dumplings surviving the last few weeks of school/exams.
Insert thoughts here reflecting on the differences between her family and mine, but they are not bad differences - they are merely differences.
But that is for another time. For now, a new year. Let's be optimistic! My resolutions for 2011 are:
-Have fun in Singapore.
-Be proactive about what I want to do post-graduation.
-Write something original of significant length.
-Be grateful.
-Be happy.
I don't really celebrate on new year's eve because I'm always in NC and it's always...quiet. A bit isolating. I love my family, but we're not exactly the type to party and drink in celebration. I would do it with friends, but really I have no close friends here except A, and she has her own circle of close friends here because they live here year-round. I just visit. So I usually have a quiet new year's eve, but it's all right. New years tend to depress me a little bit because they remind me of the wasted opportunities in the past year and all that bright shining hope in the new year - that usually ends in disappointment by the end. Because I am still not as proactive and carpe diem as I should be.
But let's not get into that! I had a good day yesterday - I went to visit A in the afternoon in Apex and we hung out. She had a late lunch at Panera while I clasped a vanilla latte to my chest in the raptures of the addicted, and then we whiled the hours away at Borders.
Every time I visit Borders, I wander past the YA shelves and am aghast. Rows and rows of black-bound books with fancy colored font, all about vampires and werewolves and supernatural romances. Those that aren't are about rich boarding schools and fancy parties with lots of drama. And what remains is all historical fiction (i.e., RPF AU or spin-offs of Jane Austen and her works). Apparently, boys have nothing to read. Slim pickings include zombies and GI Joe novelizations. I am left more determined than ever to write a new best-selling YA series involving a prestigious boarding school full of rich girls in pretty dresses having drama about their supernatural boyfriends: vampires, werewolves, leprechauns, centaurs, god knows what else. Yes, it will be highly successful, can't you tell.
Anyway, after leaving Borders, I returned with A to her house and helped make dumplings. Handmade, homemade, etc. The best way to do dumplings, because the frozen stuff does not compare - and I'd know. I ate so many frozen dumplings surviving the last few weeks of school/exams.
Insert thoughts here reflecting on the differences between her family and mine, but they are not bad differences - they are merely differences.
But that is for another time. For now, a new year. Let's be optimistic! My resolutions for 2011 are:
-Have fun in Singapore.
-Be proactive about what I want to do post-graduation.
-Write something original of significant length.
-Be grateful.
-Be happy.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
can you feel the change in your bones?
Who would you call with your last goodbye?
Should be so careful who we left out of our lives
And when we long for absolution, there will be no one on the line
Let's try again. Breaking it down to its simplest form: don't put life on hold to have an existential crisis about what you want. Figure it out while living your life as it is before you.
To turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell 'em that we love 'em while we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we're dying
I've never been a music person. But, suddenly, it's like I'm listening again - and the words matter. (The words have always mattered though; I just wasn't paying attention.)
Friday, May 28, 2010
too tentative to commit to the words
This is the summer and future unrolled before us in a wide expanse of the unknown. It feels like an ending. Everything is changing.
(It feels like a beginning.)
(It feels like a beginning.)
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
these farewells weren't inevitable, but there's no going back
I wonder if you would miss me if we weren't friends. There seem to be plenty of people you've lined up to replace me. I would miss you. But I can't force myself to like people, so I guess it's just not going to work out.
It would be different if I were different. It's always that way, isn't it? It's always my fault.
I guess it's okay. I've more or less resigned myself to it. This is just how I roll, apparently: all or nothing, no middle ground, no compromise. The alternative is making myself sick with unhappiness, and as much fun as that has been for the past few months, the past twenty-some years of my life...I think I'm going to have to go with the other choice this time.
I hope you'll miss me. But there really isn't anything I can do if you don't.
(I do hope, though, that you are happy.)
It would be different if I were different. It's always that way, isn't it? It's always my fault.
I guess it's okay. I've more or less resigned myself to it. This is just how I roll, apparently: all or nothing, no middle ground, no compromise. The alternative is making myself sick with unhappiness, and as much fun as that has been for the past few months, the past twenty-some years of my life...I think I'm going to have to go with the other choice this time.
I hope you'll miss me. But there really isn't anything I can do if you don't.
(I do hope, though, that you are happy.)
Friday, August 14, 2009
home sweet home
Back in the U.S.! China was ridiculously lovely, exciting, down-to-earth - so much to love, so much to miss. I am striving to go back next summer. :)
Not too much to update for now - at home for the moment and enjoying it, but flying back to St. Louis on Sunday to move in to a new apartment, get ready for school, APALSA, etc. It'll be a busy time and even though I swear to everyone I'm still in permanent D: mode about law school, it will also be sort of nice to start up a new routine and get into the new classes.
One last thing being: heartwaters@twitter. Add if you'd like!
Not too much to update for now - at home for the moment and enjoying it, but flying back to St. Louis on Sunday to move in to a new apartment, get ready for school, APALSA, etc. It'll be a busy time and even though I swear to everyone I'm still in permanent D: mode about law school, it will also be sort of nice to start up a new routine and get into the new classes.
One last thing being: heartwaters@twitter. Add if you'd like!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
i'll be everything you need
S is getting married. It seems like so long ago that I've seen him, that he's been an active, integral part of my life. I'm so happy for him. I'm fond, too, and nostalgic. I remember the way he used to be, and the way I used to be. It seems like so much has changed.
Sometimes it feels like the world is moving on and leaving me behind. Or sometimes it feels like the world is changing constantly and I'm swept up in it, breathless, not quite sure where I am (who I am) or what to do.
There are times I really wish I were older - not in terms of calendar years, necessarily, just wiser and more mature. I wish I knew better what I wanted and how to go after it. I wish confidence, assurance, certainty, responsibility, capability for myself. It's hard to be satisfied with who I am, because there is always room for improvement and for growth.
I feel painfully young sometimes. L is right: I still have a lot to experience, a lot to learn, a lot to discover out of life.
On a different note, I went shopping and found good deals on cute clothes. And this may make me a girl, but it makes me happy.
Sometimes it feels like the world is moving on and leaving me behind. Or sometimes it feels like the world is changing constantly and I'm swept up in it, breathless, not quite sure where I am (who I am) or what to do.
There are times I really wish I were older - not in terms of calendar years, necessarily, just wiser and more mature. I wish I knew better what I wanted and how to go after it. I wish confidence, assurance, certainty, responsibility, capability for myself. It's hard to be satisfied with who I am, because there is always room for improvement and for growth.
I feel painfully young sometimes. L is right: I still have a lot to experience, a lot to learn, a lot to discover out of life.
On a different note, I went shopping and found good deals on cute clothes. And this may make me a girl, but it makes me happy.
Friday, January 2, 2009
to a new year, but the same old you (just wiser)
New Year's Resolutions:
It's okay to have doubts and to be unsure, but don't let them get in the way of living your life to the fullest. Remember to try your best, no matter what. Remember to smile and to make the most out of what you have. Make memories. Laugh. Work hard and study hard, but take the time to reach out and connect with people who aren't right there next to you. Remember that you're loved. Remember that, even when you feel your absolute worst, when you feel defeated and inadequate and lost, you are still one of the luckiest people in the world because of your family, your friends, your life.
Talk to people if you're afraid. Be reasonable. Don't be distracted by petty things; don't let the little things get you down.
Grow up this year. Take control of your life and make it yours. Make it something to be proud of: healthy, hardworking, happy.
Take care of yourself.
It's okay to have doubts and to be unsure, but don't let them get in the way of living your life to the fullest. Remember to try your best, no matter what. Remember to smile and to make the most out of what you have. Make memories. Laugh. Work hard and study hard, but take the time to reach out and connect with people who aren't right there next to you. Remember that you're loved. Remember that, even when you feel your absolute worst, when you feel defeated and inadequate and lost, you are still one of the luckiest people in the world because of your family, your friends, your life.
Talk to people if you're afraid. Be reasonable. Don't be distracted by petty things; don't let the little things get you down.
Grow up this year. Take control of your life and make it yours. Make it something to be proud of: healthy, hardworking, happy.
Take care of yourself.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Happy 2009: reflection on 2008
1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
I traveled internationally by myself! I went to Korea! And I suppose things that don't quite count: I graduated college and went to law school. Oh, I also worked in a Chinese restaurant - that was new. Oh, and tried some girly cocktails and like Midori Sour and Fuzzy Navel. :) I think I did lots of new things this year, which is always nice.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
...what were my new years' resolutions? I should, um, go look.
-get into law school (check!)
-figure out and implement a proper study schedule (I guess this worked...)
-call home at least once a week (I'm pretty sure this didn't happen, haha)
-dance (occasionally)
-have a good last semester in college (some parts ended up more stressful than I would've liked, but generally yes)
-learn enough Korean as to not be completely lost in Korea! (not as much as I would've liked, but MY & I weren't completely lost! so this counts as a success)
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. For which I'm grateful.
5. What countries did you visit?
China! Korea! :D
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A chance to meet up with CD and LZ and maybe even KZ and SZ (long shot, I think). The first two look plausible though (okay the first one is guaranteed, pretty much). Maybe talk to VS on the phone, if she ever gets one. :) Go to Africa! Ooh, maybe go to Hollywood Bowl? I think I had a pretty good 2008, honestly, but I'd never turn down more opportunities in 2009 for any variety of new things.
7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
August 08, 2008 - China's Olympic moment. ♥
November 06, 2008 - TC. :)
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Making it through my first semester of law school without dying. Honestly. And hopefully not failing, either. It was tough at times, especially towards the end of the semester. I had moments of panic and anxiety. Overall, though, it was a learning experience (in more than just the classroom), and the people there (and everywhere) helped. ♥
9. What was your biggest failure?
I-I don't know. Probably my grades. Let me think more on this.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
My archives say I was sick on New Year's Day of 2008, and I think I might've gotten a little sick during my May finals. I've been fine the rest of the year, though! Just occasionally stressed out and sometimes totally exhausted, but no real illness or injury. :)
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Three copies of SJM's album! No, no, just kidding, seriously. Best purchase was probably my adorably tiny Asus EEE PC. :) And my shiny little external harddrive.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
LP, TC, JC, VS, LZ, KT, CM, AH, SC. You've all stood out in my minds for various reasons this past year and I'm grateful. For little things and little moments, for laughter and fun and friendship. For support and love. ♥ Be with me again next year, okay? I will do my best to be there for everyone (above included) too.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Mine, mostly. TC's confused me for a while. And I've had a few moments of sceptical doubt regarding certain people's behaviors, but it hasn't lasted.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Law school. No kidding, you guys? Then rent, food, clothes. Sounds practical, doesn't it? I hope so - I need to be far more careful with money this next semester.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
SJM. ♥ All year long, but especially over the summer. Super Show DVD~ Mostly fandom stuff including recent Big Bang and Wonder Girls performances. Non-fandom stuff, totally the trip to China and Korea with MY. Memories forever!
16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2008?
光荣 by BOBO, lulz. The song that played on repeat as MY & I stood around in the blinding sun for three hours at the BOBO fanmeet. Also, Beijing Welcomes You/北京欢迎你 and, a little bit, SJM's U and ME(迷).
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier, I think. I have a lot to be grateful for this year.
ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter! :D By, like, 3 pounds! This is good news, you guys. One day I will actually break 100lbs for good.
iii. richer or poorer? Ahahaha, so much poorer. Oh loans.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Spend time with MY. :( Talk on the phone with important people. Kept in better touch with ES and others. Spend more time with CS and LY, even. I can't wish that I'd studied more because I studied so much - but I think I'm always going to feel like I could've done more. And I did have fun with people in STL. :) Karaoke + drinking + eating + Rock Band + cooking~!
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Been insecure about stupid things like what goes on with people on LJ.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Spent Christmas with my family at home in NC, then went to the Zhaos' house for dinner. Watched Prince Caspian there...and oh didn't that lead to all sorts of horrible things. ;D
22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
I may have.
23. How many one-night stands?
None, thanks.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
We-ell, I still don't really watch TV. But what I've caught, I do enjoy Cash Cab and Top Chef. I think I still like Jeopardy better though. :3 I'm a traditionalist sometimes, haha.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope.
26. What was the best book you read?
...I had time to read books this year? Well, maybe earlier on in the year. Hmm, oh, probably The King's Own then, just because it was fantastic out of the, like, 6 new books I read this year.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
...does SJM count? Otherwise, I've got nothing for you.
28. What did you want and get?
Graduation! Trip to China & Korea (and seeing MY again)! Random merchandise and clothes there! Er - a new laptop, an external. Calvin & Hobbes books. Friends in STL. ♥
29. What did you want and not get?
Straight As in May. :( Probably didn't get straight As in law school either (let's not joke). Ugh, I'll be happy with the median, please please please.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
...so I have this thing where I don't really watch movies. Did I watch movies? What movies came out this year? Can I say Prince Caspian? I'm, um, going to go ahead and say that.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 21 and I was in STL! I had a dinner with some people from my section at school but we didn't really get to know each other. RM and LP and JZ were there! But I abandoned them to go hang out with CS and LY. Ah, but things worked out.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Straight As. Well, I don't know. Other than that, I don't think I have much to complain about. I don't think there could be any one thing that would have made my life that much better. (Unless maybe going to the May Hollywood Bowl, lol.)
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Fobby cute on some days and hopeless casual on other days, because it was cold and I was lazy.
34. What kept you sane?
SJM, LP, LZ, TC.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Okay, throughout most of the year, it was Lee Donghae. ♥ Ask me again now and I would have a harder time answering that question. (Also, Skandar Keynes makes me *__*.)
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The Olympics. And that shouldn't have been political. To be honest, I never got that stirred up about the presidential race because I knew Obama was going to win. It was kind of obvious he would, even if it wasn't the landslide it ended up being.
37. Who did you miss?
Family. MY. JC. AY. KT, CW, VP.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Did we meet this year, VS? I guess you count. ♥ You win only because I've known you longer, otherwise I'd have a hard time deciding between, umm, certain others.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
For some reason, people like me. So don't get so wrapped up in my insecurities that I end up pushing them away. Also: remember to keep trying.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
This is such a retarded question. Like your entire year of experiences, good and bad, can be summed up by a few words? I don't think so.
But here's some good advice:
笑一笑没有什么大不了 just smile and there's nothing you can't overcome
--Rainbow's Smile by Cyndi Wang (Smiling Pasta OST)
Happy New Year! ♥
I traveled internationally by myself! I went to Korea! And I suppose things that don't quite count: I graduated college and went to law school. Oh, I also worked in a Chinese restaurant - that was new. Oh, and tried some girly cocktails and like Midori Sour and Fuzzy Navel. :) I think I did lots of new things this year, which is always nice.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
...what were my new years' resolutions? I should, um, go look.
-get into law school (check!)
-figure out and implement a proper study schedule (I guess this worked...)
-call home at least once a week (I'm pretty sure this didn't happen, haha)
-dance (occasionally)
-have a good last semester in college (some parts ended up more stressful than I would've liked, but generally yes)
-learn enough Korean as to not be completely lost in Korea! (not as much as I would've liked, but MY & I weren't completely lost! so this counts as a success)
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. For which I'm grateful.
5. What countries did you visit?
China! Korea! :D
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A chance to meet up with CD and LZ and maybe even KZ and SZ (long shot, I think). The first two look plausible though (okay the first one is guaranteed, pretty much). Maybe talk to VS on the phone, if she ever gets one. :) Go to Africa! Ooh, maybe go to Hollywood Bowl? I think I had a pretty good 2008, honestly, but I'd never turn down more opportunities in 2009 for any variety of new things.
7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
August 08, 2008 - China's Olympic moment. ♥
November 06, 2008 - TC. :)
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Making it through my first semester of law school without dying. Honestly. And hopefully not failing, either. It was tough at times, especially towards the end of the semester. I had moments of panic and anxiety. Overall, though, it was a learning experience (in more than just the classroom), and the people there (and everywhere) helped. ♥
9. What was your biggest failure?
I-I don't know. Probably my grades. Let me think more on this.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
My archives say I was sick on New Year's Day of 2008, and I think I might've gotten a little sick during my May finals. I've been fine the rest of the year, though! Just occasionally stressed out and sometimes totally exhausted, but no real illness or injury. :)
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Three copies of SJM's album! No, no, just kidding, seriously. Best purchase was probably my adorably tiny Asus EEE PC. :) And my shiny little external harddrive.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
LP, TC, JC, VS, LZ, KT, CM, AH, SC. You've all stood out in my minds for various reasons this past year and I'm grateful. For little things and little moments, for laughter and fun and friendship. For support and love. ♥ Be with me again next year, okay? I will do my best to be there for everyone (above included) too.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Mine, mostly. TC's confused me for a while. And I've had a few moments of sceptical doubt regarding certain people's behaviors, but it hasn't lasted.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Law school. No kidding, you guys? Then rent, food, clothes. Sounds practical, doesn't it? I hope so - I need to be far more careful with money this next semester.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
SJM. ♥ All year long, but especially over the summer. Super Show DVD~ Mostly fandom stuff including recent Big Bang and Wonder Girls performances. Non-fandom stuff, totally the trip to China and Korea with MY. Memories forever!
16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2008?
光荣 by BOBO, lulz. The song that played on repeat as MY & I stood around in the blinding sun for three hours at the BOBO fanmeet. Also, Beijing Welcomes You/北京欢迎你 and, a little bit, SJM's U and ME(迷).
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier, I think. I have a lot to be grateful for this year.
ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter! :D By, like, 3 pounds! This is good news, you guys. One day I will actually break 100lbs for good.
iii. richer or poorer? Ahahaha, so much poorer. Oh loans.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Spend time with MY. :( Talk on the phone with important people. Kept in better touch with ES and others. Spend more time with CS and LY, even. I can't wish that I'd studied more because I studied so much - but I think I'm always going to feel like I could've done more. And I did have fun with people in STL. :) Karaoke + drinking + eating + Rock Band + cooking~!
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Been insecure about stupid things like what goes on with people on LJ.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Spent Christmas with my family at home in NC, then went to the Zhaos' house for dinner. Watched Prince Caspian there...and oh didn't that lead to all sorts of horrible things. ;D
22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
I may have.
23. How many one-night stands?
None, thanks.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
We-ell, I still don't really watch TV. But what I've caught, I do enjoy Cash Cab and Top Chef. I think I still like Jeopardy better though. :3 I'm a traditionalist sometimes, haha.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope.
26. What was the best book you read?
...I had time to read books this year? Well, maybe earlier on in the year. Hmm, oh, probably The King's Own then, just because it was fantastic out of the, like, 6 new books I read this year.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
...does SJM count? Otherwise, I've got nothing for you.
28. What did you want and get?
Graduation! Trip to China & Korea (and seeing MY again)! Random merchandise and clothes there! Er - a new laptop, an external. Calvin & Hobbes books. Friends in STL. ♥
29. What did you want and not get?
Straight As in May. :( Probably didn't get straight As in law school either (let's not joke). Ugh, I'll be happy with the median, please please please.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
...so I have this thing where I don't really watch movies. Did I watch movies? What movies came out this year? Can I say Prince Caspian? I'm, um, going to go ahead and say that.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 21 and I was in STL! I had a dinner with some people from my section at school but we didn't really get to know each other. RM and LP and JZ were there! But I abandoned them to go hang out with CS and LY. Ah, but things worked out.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Straight As. Well, I don't know. Other than that, I don't think I have much to complain about. I don't think there could be any one thing that would have made my life that much better. (Unless maybe going to the May Hollywood Bowl, lol.)
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Fobby cute on some days and hopeless casual on other days, because it was cold and I was lazy.
34. What kept you sane?
SJM, LP, LZ, TC.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Okay, throughout most of the year, it was Lee Donghae. ♥ Ask me again now and I would have a harder time answering that question. (Also, Skandar Keynes makes me *__*.)
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The Olympics. And that shouldn't have been political. To be honest, I never got that stirred up about the presidential race because I knew Obama was going to win. It was kind of obvious he would, even if it wasn't the landslide it ended up being.
37. Who did you miss?
Family. MY. JC. AY. KT, CW, VP.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Did we meet this year, VS? I guess you count. ♥ You win only because I've known you longer, otherwise I'd have a hard time deciding between, umm, certain others.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
For some reason, people like me. So don't get so wrapped up in my insecurities that I end up pushing them away. Also: remember to keep trying.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
This is such a retarded question. Like your entire year of experiences, good and bad, can be summed up by a few words? I don't think so.
But here's some good advice:
笑一笑没有什么大不了 just smile and there's nothing you can't overcome
--Rainbow's Smile by Cyndi Wang (Smiling Pasta OST)
Happy New Year! ♥
Monday, December 29, 2008
hindsight is 20/20
Tonight I went and looked over my xanga. I haven't posted there in over two years - my last post was in June 2006. My close friends, too, have abandoned it as a blog for the same two or three years. It's strange to see the person I was then - to be honest, I'm not quite sure I'm proud of who I was. I'm not sure I liked who I was. I wonder if, in two or three years, I'll look back again and sigh over the person I am now. I hope not. I'd like to think I've grown up in college, and in law school. Perhaps I haven't, not as much as I would've liked to - but what can I do about it?
I want to be happy. I'm pretty sure no one enjoys being emo - overwrought and insecure and unhappy. I'm pretty sure no one enjoys doubting and fearing and worrying over who they are, or what their future will be. I want to come to terms with the person I am, but I want to constantly seek improvement, too. I want to change for the better; I want to remember to try - and do it. I may not succeed in everything I do, but I want to try.
A said she'd never have children - but she was barely in high school when she said it. She's changed her mind; she says to me now, when I bring up the past, "Please don't hold me to what I said back then, jeez. I was still a kid. I didn't know what I was talking about." It's true, isn't it? We learn as we grow - about life and about ourselves (who we are, what we want).
J was not as worldly then as she was now. She hadn't yet gotten into tennis or fútbol. She was still so young, yet still so mature, and she hadn't yet done any of the immense growing up and into a person I like and love and feel like I don't quite know. I miss her in so many ways.
S is pretty much still the same - still passionate about life, about her friends and sports and her faith. She seems to take the best out of all her experiences, seems to realize that "these are the best days of my life" and makes the most out of them. I envy her a little, the way she lives and loves, almost effortlessly and with such pleasure.
The other S I've lost and I regret that. I don't miss her anymore, though. It might have been for the best, that things turn out this way. I wonder if I should try to mend things, or if there's anything left to mend. It wouldn't hurt to say "hi, I hope you're well", would it?
E, I've known for so long, and how we've changed. For better or for worse, we are different from who we were three years ago - still, though, we are the same people we have always been. We will always feel too much, and worry too much, and care so much. Life has put us in different circumstances, and we've grown to perhaps value different things, but you are still you, and I'm still me, and I think we will always have that in common.
These people have been so important to me. I hope not to lose them in the future. M, L, I will cling to them. They've fought for me (in their own ways) and I will fight for them too. Other M, R, I've put through a lot, but they're still there. That means a lot.
Now I have a new host of friends, letters, people to hold close. T, other T, L, other J, another S - from different parts of my life, they've impacted me this year, and probably for my future.
I hope I grow into someone I like, not just now, but in two or three years looking back.
I want to be happy. I'm pretty sure no one enjoys being emo - overwrought and insecure and unhappy. I'm pretty sure no one enjoys doubting and fearing and worrying over who they are, or what their future will be. I want to come to terms with the person I am, but I want to constantly seek improvement, too. I want to change for the better; I want to remember to try - and do it. I may not succeed in everything I do, but I want to try.
A said she'd never have children - but she was barely in high school when she said it. She's changed her mind; she says to me now, when I bring up the past, "Please don't hold me to what I said back then, jeez. I was still a kid. I didn't know what I was talking about." It's true, isn't it? We learn as we grow - about life and about ourselves (who we are, what we want).
J was not as worldly then as she was now. She hadn't yet gotten into tennis or fútbol. She was still so young, yet still so mature, and she hadn't yet done any of the immense growing up and into a person I like and love and feel like I don't quite know. I miss her in so many ways.
S is pretty much still the same - still passionate about life, about her friends and sports and her faith. She seems to take the best out of all her experiences, seems to realize that "these are the best days of my life" and makes the most out of them. I envy her a little, the way she lives and loves, almost effortlessly and with such pleasure.
The other S I've lost and I regret that. I don't miss her anymore, though. It might have been for the best, that things turn out this way. I wonder if I should try to mend things, or if there's anything left to mend. It wouldn't hurt to say "hi, I hope you're well", would it?
E, I've known for so long, and how we've changed. For better or for worse, we are different from who we were three years ago - still, though, we are the same people we have always been. We will always feel too much, and worry too much, and care so much. Life has put us in different circumstances, and we've grown to perhaps value different things, but you are still you, and I'm still me, and I think we will always have that in common.
These people have been so important to me. I hope not to lose them in the future. M, L, I will cling to them. They've fought for me (in their own ways) and I will fight for them too. Other M, R, I've put through a lot, but they're still there. That means a lot.
Now I have a new host of friends, letters, people to hold close. T, other T, L, other J, another S - from different parts of my life, they've impacted me this year, and probably for my future.
I hope I grow into someone I like, not just now, but in two or three years looking back.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
you can fly - higher
They say start fresh, start again. This is a new beginning, a blank slate. Try once more to recreate your life, to build up the pieces of who you are, only this time you can arrange it carefully, as you want.
This is your life. It is in your hands. Take it: do something with it. Create, mold, shape, transform - this is you, your life, let it go and fall to pieces and put it all back together again, in your image, in your will. Your every wish.
But sometimes it's hard to take that breath or that plunge. Sometimes it's terrifying to let it go, to trust that it will be okay, that you will be okay, that things will come together again. It's hard to let go of the past and not be a little, a lot, scared of the future. (因为爱还是未知的未来?)
That is why I cling to the past sometimes, why it's hard to let go of memories or who I used to be, even if they are not all good memories or everything I wanted to be. There may have been failures, disappointments, sadness, anger - but it was mine, it was me, it was (most importantly) familiar. That's why it's easy to miss the friends I had, why easy to make golden and simple the childhood that was never quite so, why it's easy to stay back, cautious, instead of rushing headlong into the unknown - for it could be brilliant, dazzling, profound, or it could be terrifying.
Why are you holding your breath? Why am I afraid to go, to run, to reach for the person I could maybe be? The future I could maybe have? The life that could be fuller, more interesting, more knowing, for all that I have experienced, good or bad?
How will I feel, looking back? How will I know? In the end, in the end, what really matters? When your vision blurs and when you can no longer breathe - what is really important?
I have the people to fall back on, don't I? I have every reason to push forward and try, don't I?
There is this thing called faith, and it is so much more than mere religion.
(我怕时间太快,我怕时间太慢.)
Maybe. Maybe maybe maybe.
Maybe change is something to be embraced, if you have the certainty in yourself, and the certainty in those who believe in you.
Fly, fly, get 'em up high.
This is your life. It is in your hands. Take it: do something with it. Create, mold, shape, transform - this is you, your life, let it go and fall to pieces and put it all back together again, in your image, in your will. Your every wish.
But sometimes it's hard to take that breath or that plunge. Sometimes it's terrifying to let it go, to trust that it will be okay, that you will be okay, that things will come together again. It's hard to let go of the past and not be a little, a lot, scared of the future. (因为爱还是未知的未来?)
That is why I cling to the past sometimes, why it's hard to let go of memories or who I used to be, even if they are not all good memories or everything I wanted to be. There may have been failures, disappointments, sadness, anger - but it was mine, it was me, it was (most importantly) familiar. That's why it's easy to miss the friends I had, why easy to make golden and simple the childhood that was never quite so, why it's easy to stay back, cautious, instead of rushing headlong into the unknown - for it could be brilliant, dazzling, profound, or it could be terrifying.
Why are you holding your breath? Why am I afraid to go, to run, to reach for the person I could maybe be? The future I could maybe have? The life that could be fuller, more interesting, more knowing, for all that I have experienced, good or bad?
How will I feel, looking back? How will I know? In the end, in the end, what really matters? When your vision blurs and when you can no longer breathe - what is really important?
I have the people to fall back on, don't I? I have every reason to push forward and try, don't I?
There is this thing called faith, and it is so much more than mere religion.
(我怕时间太快,我怕时间太慢.)
Maybe. Maybe maybe maybe.
Maybe change is something to be embraced, if you have the certainty in yourself, and the certainty in those who believe in you.
Fly, fly, get 'em up high.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
friendship in an hourglass
I met J in 2003, early in the summer when I was 15 and just when she'd turned 13. When did she leave? Her family moved to Singapore either in 2004 or 2005...all the years blend together now, memories of when we were younger, when we were together and apart, freer, more tied up in shackles of our own mind, more naive, less knowledgable of all the mistakes we could make.
I've seen her a fair number of times since then, because for two years after she let, she'd visit each Christmas and each summer. Then there was a gap for a year and half when I didn't see her at all, until she visited this past summer. She's 18 now. I'm 20, 21. It feels like it's been so very long that I've known her, so long since we first made friends, so long since she's been halfway around the world. We've both grown and changed in so many ways that in sometimes I don't recognize her anymore, the little glimpses of her I get from our emails or Facebook or chats. Yet when I saw her in person in July, she was still so essentially her, everything I once knew, just grown up.
I wonder what I look like to her. I wonder what she thinks from what she knows of my life now. I'm not afraid of any judgment from her, not her, never her, but I wonder what she sees. I know I've changed a lot, even in just the past few months. College changed me dramatically from high school in certain ways, especially regarding my relationship with my parents. Law school has already changed me dramatically from college as well, in other ways, possibly the way I relate to other people, or the way I'm more comfortable with myself.
J's gone through so many things I can't even imagine. The world between the U.S. and Singapore are so different, from culture to school system to ease of international travel. There are some things I feel like we just can't empathize with each other about, even if we may sympathize. That doesn't detract from our friendship, no, but it's a matter of fact. She's been through a lot that I won't understand. I've probably been through a lot that she won't understand either.
This applies not just to J, though, who left early in our friendship for another part of the world, and who remains one of my most important people. This applies to anyone who's known me since I was in 8th grade, or earlier, or later. What do you see when you see me now? Maybe it's not where you imagined I'd be; maybe I'm not the person you thought I'd be, or that I thought I'd be. Maybe you don't understand.
And that's okay. It's not fair to think everyone will be able to understand how I ended up here, who I am, what I've done, become, accomplished, achieved, failed, lost.
All that I ask of you is to understand that maybe you can't understand. Accept that. Embrace that. (Love me anyway.)
I'll return the favor, because that's what friends do.
I've seen her a fair number of times since then, because for two years after she let, she'd visit each Christmas and each summer. Then there was a gap for a year and half when I didn't see her at all, until she visited this past summer. She's 18 now. I'm 20, 21. It feels like it's been so very long that I've known her, so long since we first made friends, so long since she's been halfway around the world. We've both grown and changed in so many ways that in sometimes I don't recognize her anymore, the little glimpses of her I get from our emails or Facebook or chats. Yet when I saw her in person in July, she was still so essentially her, everything I once knew, just grown up.
I wonder what I look like to her. I wonder what she thinks from what she knows of my life now. I'm not afraid of any judgment from her, not her, never her, but I wonder what she sees. I know I've changed a lot, even in just the past few months. College changed me dramatically from high school in certain ways, especially regarding my relationship with my parents. Law school has already changed me dramatically from college as well, in other ways, possibly the way I relate to other people, or the way I'm more comfortable with myself.
J's gone through so many things I can't even imagine. The world between the U.S. and Singapore are so different, from culture to school system to ease of international travel. There are some things I feel like we just can't empathize with each other about, even if we may sympathize. That doesn't detract from our friendship, no, but it's a matter of fact. She's been through a lot that I won't understand. I've probably been through a lot that she won't understand either.
This applies not just to J, though, who left early in our friendship for another part of the world, and who remains one of my most important people. This applies to anyone who's known me since I was in 8th grade, or earlier, or later. What do you see when you see me now? Maybe it's not where you imagined I'd be; maybe I'm not the person you thought I'd be, or that I thought I'd be. Maybe you don't understand.
And that's okay. It's not fair to think everyone will be able to understand how I ended up here, who I am, what I've done, become, accomplished, achieved, failed, lost.
All that I ask of you is to understand that maybe you can't understand. Accept that. Embrace that. (Love me anyway.)
I'll return the favor, because that's what friends do.
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