Tonight I went and looked over my xanga. I haven't posted there in over two years - my last post was in June 2006. My close friends, too, have abandoned it as a blog for the same two or three years. It's strange to see the person I was then - to be honest, I'm not quite sure I'm proud of who I was. I'm not sure I liked who I was. I wonder if, in two or three years, I'll look back again and sigh over the person I am now. I hope not. I'd like to think I've grown up in college, and in law school. Perhaps I haven't, not as much as I would've liked to - but what can I do about it?
I want to be happy. I'm pretty sure no one enjoys being emo - overwrought and insecure and unhappy. I'm pretty sure no one enjoys doubting and fearing and worrying over who they are, or what their future will be. I want to come to terms with the person I am, but I want to constantly seek improvement, too. I want to change for the better; I want to remember to try - and do it. I may not succeed in everything I do, but I want to try.
A said she'd never have children - but she was barely in high school when she said it. She's changed her mind; she says to me now, when I bring up the past, "Please don't hold me to what I said back then, jeez. I was still a kid. I didn't know what I was talking about." It's true, isn't it? We learn as we grow - about life and about ourselves (who we are, what we want).
J was not as worldly then as she was now. She hadn't yet gotten into tennis or fútbol. She was still so young, yet still so mature, and she hadn't yet done any of the immense growing up and into a person I like and love and feel like I don't quite know. I miss her in so many ways.
S is pretty much still the same - still passionate about life, about her friends and sports and her faith. She seems to take the best out of all her experiences, seems to realize that "these are the best days of my life" and makes the most out of them. I envy her a little, the way she lives and loves, almost effortlessly and with such pleasure.
The other S I've lost and I regret that. I don't miss her anymore, though. It might have been for the best, that things turn out this way. I wonder if I should try to mend things, or if there's anything left to mend. It wouldn't hurt to say "hi, I hope you're well", would it?
E, I've known for so long, and how we've changed. For better or for worse, we are different from who we were three years ago - still, though, we are the same people we have always been. We will always feel too much, and worry too much, and care so much. Life has put us in different circumstances, and we've grown to perhaps value different things, but you are still you, and I'm still me, and I think we will always have that in common.
These people have been so important to me. I hope not to lose them in the future. M, L, I will cling to them. They've fought for me (in their own ways) and I will fight for them too. Other M, R, I've put through a lot, but they're still there. That means a lot.
Now I have a new host of friends, letters, people to hold close. T, other T, L, other J, another S - from different parts of my life, they've impacted me this year, and probably for my future.
I hope I grow into someone I like, not just now, but in two or three years looking back.
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