後悔しない人生

I can't seem to find an exclamation of surprise that doesn't involve curse words or what comes off as insincere triteness - oh dear, heavens, my word, it seems as though I have been playing deftly into the role of self-victimizing Eeyore of late. If "of late" translates into the last twenty years of my life or so.

It doesn't matter if I feel resentful at times, of friends not living up to my (high, oft-silent) expectations; it doesn't matter if I feel like I am no one's best friend, closest confidante. What matters is that I do love the friends I have and I want them in my life and that not being someone's "best friend" doesn't mean they don't want me in their life.

There are many kinds of maturity. I should start subscribing to the kind that demands manifestation through action.

I don't subscribe to tenets of Taoism - it's too anti-intellectualism, for one - but it lays some good foundations. I should stop fighting the flow of the world. I should stop tearing myself up over it. I should stop acting like I'm owed anything beyond what comes to me. If I can't be optimistic, I should at least cease being so willfully pessimistic, and try for peace. Yes, zen is a concept associated more with Buddhism, but I'm not seeking anything beyond what this life offers.

I told my mom once, "生命只有这一个". We only have this one life. She corrected it to "生命只有这一次". We only live this one time. The distinction is, perhaps, subtle. My view saw life as a whole entity, a gift, to be used and not be wasted. Her view saw it was a journey and an experience not to be wasted. To squander it would be a tragedy to yourself in either case, but maybe the question is whether you are living the way you do because you feel obliged (not to waste your life) or because you find it freeing (to live and to learn).

人生无悔。Life without regret. Maybe it doesn't mean you need to do more (spontaneous road trips, dinner parties, love recklessly) or do less (stupid things, drama, having feelings). Maybe it means you just need to stop regretting the things that happen in your life, both good and bad. Maybe, and yes it's trite, they all do happen for a reason - that is, as the composition of what makes your life yours, and unique, and an experience.

生命只有这一次。

Hm. I feel like there's a bit of a disconnect from the beginning of the post to the end. I think I talked myself around from "be less stupid" to "hey, stupidity happens in life, it's okay". There's no harm in trying for both, right?

the consequences of a sporadic attention span

Things I am apparently not very good at include regularly maintaining updates on my blog, particularly when I don't have as much structure in my life (see: the past semester in Singapore, though I am in no way complaining). Since I have graduated law school (fervent relief) and have started BarBri bar review for the NY bar while at home in NC, it is hard to deny that there is certainly structure in my life now, what with daily classes and assignments. Honestly, this is more structure than I've ever had in law school, since back then my schedule was staggered and differed from day to day. That's not so much the case now...

Anyway, here's to trying (yet again) at keeping up this blog, at least for a period. I make no promises past the immediate future - evidently I am a very short-term planner. It's a weakness. The big picture overwhelms me, depresses me, makes me shrug and think fatalistically, "Why bother?" Maybe I think too big sometimes.

Memorial Day weekend begins after class today! It heralds nothing terribly exciting for me: studying, actually, and the possibility of seeing some friends, if all things work out. Chapel Hill, you are so close and yet you seem irretrievably distant...

In news, my dad's leaving for China for three weeks this Monday and my brother's practically living at Animazement this weekend, the geek. I've been cooking this past week (after a semester of having touched virtually nothing insomuch resembling a kitchen), I read two new books (albeit ones that didn't require a high level of mental engagement), I've engaged with AGA (All Girls Allowed) to do legal research on political asylum over the summer, and have been slowly edging out of the antisocial mindset I've been ensconced in for the past two or three weeks. It's slow progress, but progress, right? Sorry, I have not meant to ignore or neglect anyone. You'll see me around.

welcome to your year

Happy New Year!

I don't really celebrate on new year's eve because I'm always in NC and it's always...quiet. A bit isolating. I love my family, but we're not exactly the type to party and drink in celebration. I would do it with friends, but really I have no close friends here except A, and she has her own circle of close friends here because they live here year-round. I just visit. So I usually have a quiet new year's eve, but it's all right. New years tend to depress me a little bit because they remind me of the wasted opportunities in the past year and all that bright shining hope in the new year - that usually ends in disappointment by the end. Because I am still not as proactive and carpe diem as I should be.

But let's not get into that! I had a good day yesterday - I went to visit A in the afternoon in Apex and we hung out. She had a late lunch at Panera while I clasped a vanilla latte to my chest in the raptures of the addicted, and then we whiled the hours away at Borders.

Every time I visit Borders, I wander past the YA shelves and am aghast. Rows and rows of black-bound books with fancy colored font, all about vampires and werewolves and supernatural romances. Those that aren't are about rich boarding schools and fancy parties with lots of drama. And what remains is all historical fiction (i.e., RPF AU or spin-offs of Jane Austen and her works). Apparently, boys have nothing to read. Slim pickings include zombies and GI Joe novelizations. I am left more determined than ever to write a new best-selling YA series involving a prestigious boarding school full of rich girls in pretty dresses having drama about their supernatural boyfriends: vampires, werewolves, leprechauns, centaurs, god knows what else. Yes, it will be highly successful, can't you tell.

Anyway, after leaving Borders, I returned with A to her house and helped make dumplings. Handmade, homemade, etc. The best way to do dumplings, because the frozen stuff does not compare - and I'd know. I ate so many frozen dumplings surviving the last few weeks of school/exams.

Insert thoughts here reflecting on the differences between her family and mine, but they are not bad differences - they are merely differences.

But that is for another time. For now, a new year. Let's be optimistic! My resolutions for 2011 are:

-Have fun in Singapore.
-Be proactive about what I want to do post-graduation.
-Write something original of significant length.
-Be grateful.
-Be happy.

朋友一生一起走 那些日子不再有

Leaving New York and L&L recalls for me leaving Seoul last summer, after Super Show: it aches with a reluctance to leave behind one of the best experiences I've ever had. It's partly the city, partly the people, and partly just the entire experience, which has been composed of memory-making moments, incredible amounts of happiness, and a sense of being removed from my mundane reality. I'm so loath to return to the real world. It's harder than last summer too because from Seoul I only returned to Beijing, still a summer in a place a love, despite the work tied to it; leaving New York, I've come back to St. Louis and law school, and I have to hit the ground running. I have a full day of classes tomorrow, I have a Korean quiz to make up, reading to do, an assignment due Wednesday, and a seminar paper to work on. I don't have time to dwell and relive the memories - maybe it will be for the best.

Still, I will probably forgo sleep later tonight or later this week to upload pictures to Facebook or tinypic; I want to share a fraction of the fun I had and show people what I look like when I'm happy. Remember that? Sometimes I forget what it's like.

L&L I had so much fun doing silly things, being touristy, camwhoring, talking, joking. We ate so many delicious things, sang karaoke, got tipsy, talked about celebrity crushes, and shared our fears and thoughts about families and futures. I don't know how to put into words how memorable the weekend was, how it was one of the best I've ever had.

In recent memory, the weekend in Seoul (July 16-19) and the weekend in NYC (March 26-29) have been the most memorable experiences in my life. Because they've helped me rediscover parts of myself and because they've given me reasons (and reminders) to love life. I loved life. I don't know if they are all that life-changing, but they have carved deep impressions in me. I know a large part of why they have attained this pedestal status in my mind is because they are rare, one-of-a-kind, unlikely to be repeated and all the more precious for it: still, I will never regret them.

L&L are like my little sisters - but more than that, they are true friends. I love you guys. It's hard to say goodbye to you, to our weekend, to my brief little escape from reality.

I will another time detail the adventures of this weekend. ♥

let's not reenact Mean Girls in law school, yeah?

A number of people (including me) have compared law school to high school, which is true in many respects. And that's not an entirely positive analogy because we like to dismiss most of the petty and silly things we did back then as a consequence of immaturity and not knowing better. College opens the doors to a wider worldview, purportedly, and a better understanding of ourselves and those around us. So we'd like to believe - but then law school takes people who've all graduated college, some of whom have worked for a number of years, some who are married (but I don't see this as much in married students because they are far too busy living their real lives and handling real responsibilities on top of school that they don't tend to engage in the following) and makes them all regress.

We have lockers, we have the equivalent of prom, we have one building to which we're essentially confined, we have small classes and cliques and hooking up within groups of friends - we have the reemergence of petty feuds and awkwardness, of value attached to who's in the top 10, top 5 percent of the class. We see again the pervasiveness of gossip.

That isn't to say gossip wouldn't exist otherwise - I hear it's fierce in workplaces, where conditions are similar and therefore prime breeding ground: small groups of people who see each other every. single. day. As if that for some reason justifies the sudden nosiness into who is sleeping with whom, or who was once interested in whom, or who has a grudge against whom. It happens there and it happens here and it's frankly, in my opinion, entirely unpleasant to have to deal with.

Sure, it occurred with some regularity in college too (hell, I was in a sorority, I can definitely tell you about drama), but at the kind of huge public university I was in, you didn't get the same kind of small groups and enclosed spaces. You weren't forced to see the same people day in and day out. There was a lot more personal space - physically and emotionally. So while gossip still occurred, it wasn't with the same sort of regularity or intensity of circulation, I feel.

Law school is proverbial high school all over again; and I say proverbial because, looking back on it, my actual high school experience was nothing so clichéd. I wasn't in the popular crowd (was there a popular crowd? an amorphously defined one, perhaps) but I talked to people in it; I wasn't outcast although I think I tended towards hanging out with people who might be termed (dictated by high school clichés) "geeks": i.e., theater and manga fans, creative writing and ~expression~ fans. But I didn't identify 100% with them or with the "smart nerdy Asian" crowd or the artsy crowd. Whatever it was, high school was fine. Immature and awkward, yeah, but not a TV drama.

Law school? Is more like a TV drama. Not just in terms of personal experience but also in what I've witnessed other people going through or doing - and I find it all pretty sad. You'd think people would grow out of this kind of petty, gossipy mindset. You'd think people would be more concerned with professionalism and making real connections with others (similar to high school, you all tend to scatter after graduation, but now you're at an age where you can handle that kind of distance in a friendship...presumably) rather than worrying about who's dating whom or sleeping with whom or did you see how drunk she got that other time, oh my god.

There are probably all sorts of factors contributing to this kind of mindset or behavior but I don't really care about the reasonings behind it. I guess I just want to say flat out that I'm uncomfortable with how much people gossip and talk behind people's backs, and it bothers me even more when I catch myself inadvertently contributing to it. I don't want to be that kind of person. I can't pretend I'm wholly innocent because I know I've done it; but I don't like it and I really would prefer to not participate in it. So while I can't make others quit, I figure I should at least be more careful about what I say and watch myself so I don't end up participating in it again just to feel bad afterwards. It can't hurt to let people know that I'd prefer they not gossip around me either, but it's more a matter of being responsible for my own actions than for theirs.

Because, hey, I know I definitely do not appreciate people talking behind my back - for good or ill but in general - and in that vein I will try not to do that to others. It's not a fun experience (thank you, anon memes). Let's try to just live our own lives and let others live theirs; accept them as who they are for their faults (or virtues) and, you know, mind our own business. There's a line between friendly concern and friendly joking and plain nosiness and perpetuation of gossip; I'd rather not cross it.


Not impressed with high school behaviors in a professional school.

一辈子陪你一起走下去

on virtual friendships
194w.

Sometimes I would just like to defriend everyone, delete everything, cut off all ties and access, and go live in a real world where people talk face-to-face and you can hear their laughter and feel their presence and the memories live on as more than just words and fading feelings.

People were not made for long-distance relationships. Nor were people made for facsimiles of relationships through the kilobytes and megabytes of technology. I want to feel your arms around me when we hug, without the distance of virtual silence and dead air.

I want more than different colored letters shaping words I will never hear, more than a proliferation of smiles I will never see and heart-shapes that stand in for real emotion. I want the reality of your voice and the tangibleness of a letter, a card, a photograph, under my fingers.

These words, they will last forever, but they are empty - I want the transience of you at my side, moving, breathing, always changing and never static, alive. Alive and choosing to be by my side, to be my friend.

Will you reach out your hand if I reach out mine?

a rose by any other name

I was thinking last night (though it would more accurately be termed "far too early this morning") about my name. I came to the conclusion that I am tired of my name. I'm tired of what (who) it stands for, and for the history associated with it. I'm tired of being me, of being judged and perceived by my name alone.

This applies only to the "English version" of my name, I suppose. I hate seeing Mei, because it's not mine, it's not me: it is word used by others when they talk about me. It is a label, of what I've said, what I've done, and who I am.

I can see and hear 齐眉 without feeling the same resentment or oppression, because that is still mine; I have limited the access to who gets to call me that, and the memories and emotions associated with that name are, thus far, good. Imperfect, certainly, but still mine. It is still me; I am still 齐眉, your 女儿，姐姐，朋友，小公主. (想我妈？)

J asked me if I was angry when he was driving me home at 5 in the morning. No, I told him, I'm just tired.

It's true. I'm not angry. I'm just tired...of being who I am under this name Mei, of being judged for who I am and what I've done. I'm tired of not being able to see people because of who I am, not being able to care the way I used to because of what I've done, not being able to live true to myself because of what someone else expects to see. I'm tired of feeling ugly, inside and out, and for feeling like a failure without a direction.

But these are things we cannot change, aren't they?

I am still me, even if I am tired of being me. Such is life, unfair, and we just have to make the best of it. Maybe, in time, I can redefine "Mei". Maybe, in time, it can be mine again, something (someone) I am proud to be.

In brighter news, however, it is gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous outside, all yellow leaves against brown-black bark, sunlight filtering through the branches right outside my apartment. Look up.

home sweet home

Back in the U.S.! China was ridiculously lovely, exciting, down-to-earth - so much to love, so much to miss. I am striving to go back next summer. :)

Not too much to update for now - at home for the moment and enjoying it, but flying back to St. Louis on Sunday to move in to a new apartment, get ready for school, APALSA, etc. It'll be a busy time and even though I swear to everyone I'm still in permanent D: mode about law school, it will also be sort of nice to start up a new routine and get into the new classes.

One last thing being: heartwaters@twitter. Add if you'd like!

be open to learning from life

Yesterday, I flew home from St. Louis to Raleigh. As I got onto the regional jet (a very small plane), the blonde flight attendant was standing by the open cockpit door, eating something off a styrofoam plate and chatting with the pilot. My initial reaction was to be annoyed, because I think if you're going to be in the service industry, you should do your job well, and that means smiling and being polite no matter who you deal with. Having been in the service industry (food, at least, not quite a flight attendant - though I have considered that as an alternative life path, because in Asia at least it is a well-respected, decently-paying job where you are only any good when you are young and beautiful, but I digress), I expect people to at least smile and express some sort of welcome. It's not that difficult.

My flight was full of middle-aged North Carolinians, eager to fly home. A number of them were also Carolina Hurricane (hockey) fans, and were chatting happily about the game that night against Boston. As the flight attendant came down the aisle to prepare for take-off, she stopped at the seat in front of mine where the man is getting text messages on the score from a friend at the game.

"Now, sir," she said mock-severely, "you should have put that away already!"

This turned into a good-natured ribbing, where the man offered to pay the pilot $1 per update on the game and she laughed and said that he doesn't need the money.

Later in our flight, the captain welcomed us to our flight over the intercom, and threw in a little nod of recognition to the Hurricanes fans on board. It made me smile, because suddenly the flight was much more friendly.

As the flight continued, Missy, the flight attendant, continued joking around with the man in front of me. I began to realize I had misjudged her, because she was actually very nice, and much more personable than many a flight attendant I've come across. She was very attentive while passing out drinks, as well.

Halfway through the flight, the captain announced an update on the game: despite a 2-0 start for Boston, the score was now 2-1. The 'Canes had scored.

The man in front of me pumped his fist. "Yes!" he exclaimed.

And it was about then that I realized I was hiding a smile, and that I liked the Southern mentality of being hospitable, being friendly to strangers, and generally making nice. While I am an excellent Northerner in that I can ignore people sitting next to me except for the briefest "Excuse me", it makes me happy inside when people are more than just polite to each other, but actually friendly. It restores a little faith in humanity, and reminds me that, no matter how much people can plain suck sometimes, people can also be incredible.

So I learned on my short one and a half hour flight last night that I shouldn't make snap judgments about people, or should at least be open to changing my mind and admitting I was wrong about someone. I learned that I like friendly people, and that it generally applies to Southerners (despite my also excellent Northerner gripe about the South; sometimes I pretend to be elitist). I learned that I really do consider North Carolina home. Not just the place I've lived the longest, or the place my family lives, but home. In all its connotations.

The day before that, M and I were talking about New York, and how he loves it because it's busy and alive. He complained that when he goes back to Maryland, there's nothing to do anymore. "Oh," I said, "there's really not that much to do in North Carolina either, when I think about it. But I still love it."

He looked at me. "Well," he said, "that's because it's home."

life's little wake-up calls

Today, I was at Starbucks studying CivPro because it was gorgeous outside and I wanted to get out of my cave of a room. Sunny days are my favorite; they make me crave comfortable seats near huge windows with lots of light, a good drink or snack, and usually some music or a book. It was windy today, which was an excuse to claim a table indoors. I have a final on Thurday, which was an excuse to do work instead of running around outside having a life. ...Excuse or obligation? Sometimes I think I like being productive more than running about - bt maybe that's a sign that I really need to lead a less sedentary lifestyle.

In any case, as I was sitting, going over my notes and sipping at my iced espresso, the lady sitting next to me accidentally knocks over her grande latte. It spills all over the floor, fortunately missing me or any other patron but making a mess: one of those tragic accidents of everyday life that aren't horrible enough to make you feel terrible, but just bad enough to make you cringe.

What struck me, however, was not her accident, but my first reaction. I instinctively glanced away, towards my notes, and determined that I was going to ignore it entirely and pretend it didn't affect me in the least. I was going to just read and get on with my life, and let this stranger get on with hers.

Five seconds later, I was totally appalled with myself. I took off my earphones, asked if she was okay, asked if she needed help, got up, offered my napkins and started wiping down a chair. She said, "Thank you" and "oh you don't have to" and then a barista took over with a mop. So I sat back down, still incredibly surprised and not entirely pleased with myself.

Why would my gut instinct be to ignore her? Why would I wish I could just pretend it didn't happen?

This reflects so poorly upon my character. And the saddest thing is that I didn't used to be this way. Before, my first instinct would have been to leap up and offer help. Lately, it's been to valiantly ignore everything as if didn't affect me. I could argue that I want to spare the person the embarrassment of having everyone stare, but what kind of poor excuse is that? People appreciate help. They're going to be embarrassed no matter what - and a kind word and helping hand goes much further in alleviating that.

I just...I'm disappointed in myself. This is, I think, a wake-up call to let me know that I'm really not as good of a person as I thought I was. And it's not okay.

It's okay to not be perfect, of course. It's okay to be selfish sometimes, naturally. It's okay to do the best you can for yourself. But you can't start rationalizing and justifying more and more things until you let yourself become completely self-absorbed and self-interested. You have to fight to maintain basic morals, ethics, and (I think) generosity of spirit. Be a decent human being. Be courteous and polite and helpful to the best of your abilities. Smile, say thank you, hold open that door. They're all little things, and they cost you so little, but they can go such a long way in improving the general atmosphere and brightening someone else's day. (I say this with experience after two and a half years working at Alpine - it was always the friendly, smiling, polite customers that made my day. Always. And sometimes just from so little.)

I joke around that the reason I can study in the courtyard, with lots of ambient (or even flat-out loud) noise, is because I'm self-absorbed and I can tune out other people's conversations (and, often, existences) to focus on me, and my work.

To some extent, that's true. To some extent, that's okay.

But I don't want to be so self-absorbed that I can't even bother to be a good person anymore just because it's not self-serving.

Hopefully this incident will remind me to make an active effort to be the kind of person I want to be.