love is a relay; happiness is the baton

So even I think it's ridiculous what an emokid I've been lately. So I am not as happy-go-lucky as I was last year, so what? I can still the make the most out of my life this year. So I'm not cut out for law school, so what? I can still work hard. I still will work hard. Or at least try hard enough to not fail out of classes; I figure passing enough classes to graduate with a JD is a good-as-any goal for now.

I should really be focused on finding something (paying) to do this summer. That and actually writing something truly worthwhile. Well, there are many definitions of "worthwhile" and I don't think what I've been writing up until now is worthless, god, no; I would've probably gone insane without some form of writing in my life. But I'd like to make a concentrated effort on something long, complete, and cohesive.

There is NaNoWriMo, but that's not for another month. I should definitely put some thought into what I want to write 50,000 words of though.



In other topics, I really enjoy the weather this week: a little chilly in the mornings, brisk and sunny all day long. I don't even mind that the sun sets earlier, not too much; this is lovely autumn weather and I am happy if we just stay here. Naturally, that means we won't get to keep it for long but...I will enjoy it while it's around.

I've also determined that if I feel like crap inside, I need to make an effort to not look like crap outside, because then I'll just end up more unhappy. Feeling cute and pretty is such a girly thing, but it does help with confidence boosts, and those are definitely something a girl needs when she is having one of those days.

I seriously do not know who's reading over at UCLA. Hello? Hi?

fuck fuck fuck and more

Incredibly frustrated, stressed, and tired. Prone to crying at the smallest thing. It feels like there are endless things to do and I can't take the first step towards accomplishing them until I'm over this emotional block and hurdle. I want to throw a tantrum instead of doing anything productive, even though it would serve only to make me more frustrated.

I hate technology, I hate this internet connection, I hate having to see you, I hate not being able to see you, I hate having to write, not being able to write, I hate not accomplishing things I was supposed to accomplish yesterday, and I hate it even more when it's out of my control.

I miss you. I miss you so fucking much, and I don't know if you get that. I'm so fucking stressed and unhappy and that always makes me want to swear up a storm, or at least use the word fuck a lot: fuck this life, fuck you all, fuck this fuckass piece of fucking shit.

I think I'll just curl up in bed and cry. That's right. I going to be Emo with a capital E, get over yourselves. Sorry I feel so much that apparently whenever I feel down at all, I get slapped with a label. Fuck you.

This isn't fair. I just want this to be fixed. Or for me to not feel this way, helpless and strained and under so much pressure (from what? from what?); I just want it to go away so I can deal with my life again.

I fucking hate things out of my control that fuck up my life.

retraction // modification

Never mind. I'm manning up! I'll sleep a lot and then take on this thing called life.

« insert inspirational song lyrics here »

apologies

오 너무 너무 예뻐 맘이 너무 예뻐
첫 눈에 반해서 꼭 집은걸

I'm ill, which I hate. I haven't been this sick in probably three or four years. I ache and feel bloated and fat, and it sucks. I should man up and do my best though. Sorry for the constant complaints and whining. I'm sure I've gotten on someone's nerves.

this is the big bang

Boy, I love your style, love your smile
Wish that you could be only mine, be only mine
I can't let it go, I don't know what you're doing to me
You're so fine, ooh you're so fine

Update later, I guess. Oh Halloween, you don't really enthuse me. Now I just need to sleep.

i'm not sure that's the answer you're looking for

Okay, I'm confused and a little creeped out. Mostly confused, though, because I am apparently bad at life. Unintentionally bad, but bad nonetheless.

I should just move to a cave and be horrible to people, and maybe things will be less confusing. I don't feel particularly bad (okay, I do, somewhat) because mostly I am confused.

And selfish.

And it's weird that I have no one "back home" to talk to about this stuff because I'm the eldest of them. Life, how strange...

Who ever expected my life to be even close to this melodramatic? I feel ridiculous.




Also: What the fuck.

breathe it in and let it out

my life is so much nicer when i don't go online. my life is so much nicer when i don't care about fandom. :) law school people always make me smile and make me feel welcome. they make me laugh. they also make me want a boyfriend. everyone's attached - married or engaged or in a serious relationship. it's strange being single; we're definitely in the minority if we are. i want someone.

i think i'm happy. i think i am.

sometimes it's better not to think at all. just feel and live and breathe.

and sleep.

make something of your world. take it as it is. sometimes the choice isn't in your hands, and it's okay.

law school application - personal statement

I groaned in agony and disappointment at 7:30 PM Sunday, September 9, 2007. My roommate watched me pitch a pillow across our living room and understood my sentiments completely. Why was I upset? Roger Federer had just won the 2007 US Open, defeating world ranked #3 Novak Djokovic, who had been my favorite throughout the tournament. It was almost incredible to remember that, only a month ago, I had been wholly ignorant of professional tennis.

A close friend introduced me to her favorite sport in late July; within a month I had learned not only the rules and regulations of the game, but also the names and records of the top players in the world. I followed the US Open avidly, calling faults along with the referee, critiquing the techniques of the players, and even grudgingly giving credit where credit was due when it came to Roger Federer’s skills. I was fully engaged in (watching) the sport.

Since I relocated to the USA from China at three years old, my life has been an open channel for diversity and new experiences. What began as a juggling act of two separate cultures grew into a passion for learning about the multi-cultural world. I have learned to keep an open mind; I am willing to embrace tennis as easily as I am willing to embrace the traditional customs of my Vietnamese friends. I am as interested in the philosophy and lives of the ancient Greeks as I am interested in the modern-day hi-tech culture of contemporary Japan. This interest carried over into one of my favorite and most memorable experiences—volunteering for the past four of five years at the International Festival in Raleigh. The festival celebrates countries from across the globe, showcasing their unique dances, crafts, and food in a lively, brightly-colored weekend. Every time I participate in the festival, I am reminded how ethnically rich the world is. This proves true in more than just cultural differences, but in legal, political, and social differences as well. One of the primary reasons I am pursuing International Law is I’m interested in topics such as the differing systems of intellectual property rights employed by the American vs. Asian entertainment industries, the careful balance of capitalism and so-called Communism in Chinese politics, and how issues like these affect not only the global political, economic, and social environment but also how they effect more local consequences upon the Asian-American community in the U.S. I hope to explore these issues further in law school, which currently represents a whole new world of experiences for me, including challenges to overcome.

One such challenge I faced in college was exemplified in my summer Philosophy course called Ethics of Peace, War, and Defense. A large part of my final grade was class participation, which was especially encouraged to raise discussion and debate. I found myself struggling to find the right words because I felt that many of my classmates (some of whom were Philosophy majors and old hands at moral debate) were far more eloquent than I and could make more persuasive arguments in their favor. Yet I had opinions I wanted to share, despite my uneasy feelings of inadequacy: I spoke to the professor and made an appointment to see him outside of class, determined to have my say. It turned out to be one of the smartest decisions I have made in my college career: I was able to work up confidence in expressing myself one-on-one, which eventually carried over into the classroom by the end of the course. I had conquered a personal weakness and turned it into a beneficial learning experience.

I will never tire of new experiences, of encountering new challenges to the way I live my life or the beliefs I hold. The chance to learn something new and to pursue it with passion makes my life richer, and I welcome that. I believe this outlook will benefit me greatly in both law school and the legal profession: my ability to turn my experiences into an opportunity to improve myself, to expand the horizons of my knowledge, will allow me to make the most of every challenge I face, for law school is sure provide many. I will employ my passion and my intellect wholly, and look forward to all the future brings—even those occasions where Federer wins.