pathetic

You're like the fucking ex I never fucking had. The one who's ruined everything because I can't do anything without remembering how we used to hate this or like that or talk about whatever. Everything is tied up in memories of you that just piss me off because it's not fair that I have to reap the consequences of a break-up to a relationship that never actually existed. It's not fair you fucking forced that break-up, that you chose it. The best part is that none of this is probably affecting you because evidently it was an easy decision for you to just let me go. 你就这样放手了吗？有那么容易吗？我和你的关系就这样切了，是不是？You never made the first move as friends; obviously I can't expect you'll ever make the first move to apologize and reconcile, if you even are sorry, which at this point I highly doubt.

Well, congratulations. You have officially been the worst break-up and the only one the fuck me up this long afterwards, which is quite a feat considering we never dated.

操你妈，活该。

I fucking miss you. Do you care?

my book about being mistaken for a hooker (yes it's happened more than once)

This afternoon F and I decided to explore Geylang, Singapore's infamous red light district. I didn't expect much in terms of scandalous people or behavior since it was 2 in the afternoon, but apparently he expected otherwise. Boys, honestly. Every girl he passed he would eye quickly and covertly, then turn to me and mutter under his breath, "So do you think she's a--?"

"No," I said on more than on occasion, "I think she's just a normal girl walking down the street!"

"But it's the red light district!" he protested.

"It's also two in the afternoon!"

"Then what are they doing, if they're not out?"

"Oh, I don't know," I said, throwing my hands in the air, "sleeping?" Honest to God, people, this is why I will never date Asian guys again. They can be decent to hang out with but there is so much underlying misogyny and homophobia in their outlook on life. No thanks.

We made a pit stop for food and F joked that he was wary of the food here - it might have STDs. "Are you kidding," I said. "I highly doubt they have sex with the food and then sell it. Don't be ridiculous."

Apparently I am not so good with sex-worker jokes anymore, if I ever was. My sense of humor, I seem to have lost it somewhere.

The entire area is not as bad as it might sound. Definitely more run-down than the wealthier, glitzier parts of Singapore, it boasts a lot of tiny food shops (hot pot, Korean barbecue, more hawker centers with traditional Singaporean food) and massage parlors and shady KTVs. It is obviously not the most reputable part of town and I have no doubt that some not-entirely-legitimate businesses may occur at night, but it's entirely safe and not terribly interesting on a sunny Saturday afternoon.

A little later, we passed a girl getting out of a taxi in short shorts and high heels. "She must be," F said with conviction after we pass her. I rolled my eyes.

"You can't just assume every girl wearing high heels is a hooker."

And then he started laughing because he finally realized that I was in heels (and jeans, mind) and had been the entire walking trip through the area. "No wonder all the guys were looking at you. They think you're one."

Sadly, this was true. There's nothing quite like being looked up and down by dirty old men as you pass them by in the middle of the red light district, even when you are wearing more clothes than the guy you're with. Nothing like visiting the red light district to realize how terrible guys can be.

I faked amusement, because it's what you do, I guess. How do you reply to that? "Yes, you think it's hilarious that other people think I'm a hooker. I think it's hilarious too!"

I originally thought this was going to be a sort of funny retelling of my afternoon adventures, but it turns out it's really just an unfunny retelling of a not-terrible but far from great experience with misogyny and, yeah, I'm gonna say it - rape culture.

Good times, y'all. Good times. I'm going to put this afternoon out of mind now that I've complained about it and hope that tonight's plans for the night safari go better.

what singapore do you see through your lens?

A list of places I would like to visit while I'm in SE Asia this semester, in no particular order:

1. Bangkok, Thailand
2. Cambodia
3. Vietnam
4. Bali, Indonesia
5. Hong Kong
6. Taiwan
7. Malaysia

To be honest, HK I would not be terribly bothered if I could not get to, as I've been before. It's more that I have friends there now (R among them), and it would be nice to see them again and be shown around, to see the city without the baggage of family. Taiwan I could probably also suffice without, as it is not entirely dissimilar to China. I would really like to visit the first four on the list, however. Malaysia I am not quite sure where I stand at the moment, aside from passing curiosity and belief that it should be visited if only for no other reason than it is so close.

One of the exchange students (from the U.S., Northwestern Law) continues to compare Singapore and every other city to New York. "Singapore is so vanilla," he said tonight. "Nothing stands out. There's no personality."

I stared at him in disbelief.

"Oh," I said after a moment, grinning to take the edge off my somewhat offended bewilderment. "You're one of those people. The ones who are so in love with New York. I know people like that. None of them are actually from New York."

"But that's the great thing, people are from everywhere!"

I don't think he realized the irony of that statement while standing on a bus in Singapore surrounded by, well, people from everywhere, right after he had dismissed Singapore as not diverse enough to his NYC tastes.

As with so many things in life, it's really all in how you look at it. It's your attitude and perspective that matters the most. It takes a special kind of perspective to walk through Singapore and find it boring and vanilla and uninteresting, I feel.

I'd suggest you take another look at your priorities

When someone tells you that something you do/say is racist or could very easily be construed as racist (because it is not 100% clear just what the hell you're doing; we aren't mind-readers, sorry) even if you didn't intend for the action/words to be so--

Of course, naturally, the first reaction is to gasp in outrage and exclaim vociferously that it is just so rude and hurtful that someone might be calling your, explicitly or implicitly, racist. Do people not know who you are? Of course you couldn't possibly ever be racist or say or do racist things. Being talked at like you have, or did, even unintentionally - by gods, that is just unacceptable! No one should treat you like you're ignorant.

Because being treated like you're ignorant or racist is "probably not much different than having your culture shunted for lighter skin."

Right.

The Last Airbender: a fucking disgrace.

When you choose to pay to see The Last Airbender, you are paying to support institutionalized racism. If you don't get why, ask me. If you're going to see it anyway, knowing why it's problematic, you are effectively telling me that my experiences - my feelings and stories and LIFE - as a minority are secondary to your 2 hours of whitewashed entertainment.



And now for the emotional response:

I wish people were not so fucking ignorant and lazy and would take the time to educate themselves when they see that someone is really upset about something and maybe think, hey, I should check out why they're so upset not just be like "lol why are you upset, PLEASE EXPLAIN THINGS TO ME BC I AM NOT MOTIVATED ENOUGH TO LEARN ON MY OWN". And I know I'm just angry & hurt right now, I know that if we want to really educate people on WHY SOME SHIT SUCKS we really (unfairly) have to do that reaching out, but right now I am just so fucking tired of it, tired of people wallowing lazily in their own privilege and ignorance and not taking the initiative to maybe learn some shit on their own. TLA is seriously affecting me more than I thought it would. At first it was just a cause, a signal boost, to get people aware of the problems and how not okay it was, but somehow now it's personal and hearing people's arguments defending it and accusing people who care of reverse racism and being too sensitive and dismissing our feelings & experiences & EVERYTHING - now it just hurts. I'm not just angry, I am fucking personally hurt. /over-emotional, possibly teary right now, fuck.

I sort of expect to be disappointed by everyone in the world right now, including people I AM close with. Just, fuck, it still hurts. It's personal. It's them essentially saying "I don't care about YOU", I don't think your opinions are valid, I am not going to listen to what you say because I like my ignorance or my privilege just fine.

In fact, I just got an email from some friends I was making plans to see Twilight/Eclipse with (drunkenly to mock) and they said, "Sorry to change the subject but I'll be watching TLA this weekend, if any of you want to join" and I sort of am this close to tears right now. Fuck. They're so so informed on gay rights/feminist issues, some of them ARE PoC, I can't believe they haven't heard the crap about this movie. I can't believe it. I emailed them back with links and basically begging them to not go see it but, dear God, I can't deal with this. How are people so willingly to be blind to these things? I am so upset; this is so fucking personal, and I DARE anyone to tell me not to care or not care so much or that it's not a big deal. I can't deal with this right now.

champagne apocalypse: oh god k i'm still worked up about tla right now
champagne apocalypse: angry/hurt slkghfj i don't even want to talk to people rn bc i know i wouldn't be rational
champagne apocalypse: i'd just be like SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP also FUCK YOU
champagne apocalypse: aslgdkh & that's not exactly productive
champagne apocalypse: this REALLY brings home to me how shitty the tone argument is though
champagne apocalypse: basically saying i'm not going to listen to you can't be polite & rational about it. WELL FUCK YOU this is personal, this hurts, this makes me angry and upset and emotional. thanks for trivializing that and saying i should just get over it if i want to convince you that my opinions & feelings are legitimate.

Eating lunch, taking a nap, I don't even fucking know. Don't talk to me.

shut up and listen to me

A:

A lot of straight men are uncomfortable with the idea of homosexuality or finding themselves in a situation where they need to check everything a gay man tells them for sexual innuendo. God knows why but it creeps them out. That said, most of these men will not go out of their way to beat up homosexuals in shady alleys, you know? This shit is not black and white. Yes, bigoted comments are douchey, but raging at the kid about homophobia will not solve anything. Hell, in my experience, raging at any straight male who finds homosexuality "weird", "creepy", "sick" or something in-between will only send them into a defensive rage, and then there you are, snarling at each other like animals. I'm sure there has to be a solution, but I'm also sure it does not involve "beating sense" into anyone, literally or figuratively.

Me:

I definitely agree it's a kneejerk kind of reaction from my straight male friends too, and also this: "It's sad, it's a fucking shame, but that's how it is."

But I don't think that makes it okay, even if that's how it is.

Passive homophobia, to me, is still homophobia. Even if they aren't going out to beat people up or try to make gay people feel discriminated against or vulnerable, their reaction still enforces the fact that homophobia is not the norm, and not acceptable. Their values will be passed on to their kids, to other people they know and associate with. It's not just about "that one gay friend they have that they're okay with", it's about an entire institution of homophobia and bigotry and prejudice that they're helping reinforce.

Is it okay for someone to burn a cross on someone's lawn as long as they don't hurt them physically? Is it okay to make homophobic jokes as long as you don't call someone a faggot to his face?

I don't think so. Obviously, not everyone agrees with me but... I don't think it's okay to be homophobic or racist or sexist as long as you are less homophobic or racist or sexist as someone else.

That all said, I do agree with your conclusion that "beating sense" into anyone is not really going to...work. As fondly as some people might dream of that.

A:

I saw a lot of comments which basically dismiss the relevance of social pressure and the knee-jerk, conditioned response of most heterosexual men at the mere mention of male homosexuality, and I just can't agree with that. My brother would probably act all weirded out around a gay person and possibly try to avoid them, but he would never, ever hurt them intentionally, be it in a verbal or physical way. It's sad, it's a fucking shame, but that's how it is. If we can't accept first that acceptance doesn't come to everyone naturally, then how can we call ourselves more accepting than them? :|

M:

If we can't accept first that acceptance doesn't come to everyone naturally, then how can we call ourselves more accepting than them?

This is very true. It's actually pretty hypocritical, to not accept the unaccepting for being unaccepting. But that said, if the target is the comment, then I don't see a problem. [...]

Me:

I sort of violently disagree with this statement: It's actually pretty hypocritical, to not accept the unaccepting for being unaccepting.

Why should I be accepting of a racist or a bigot? Why should I have to? "Oh, sorry, I understand you're raised that way, you can't help the fact that you're a homophobe or that you hate all black people or that you think women are naturally inferior to men. Sorry, I should respect your views as a an unaccepting bigot because you can't help being that way."

No.

I don't think it's hypocritical not to be accepting of bigots. That implies that there is no objective truth, that it all depends, that they might be right and their opinions should be given weight. I don't think they're right. I think they're wrong. And I don't want to accept their views.

C:

I like your reply, because that's the truth, plain and simple. To accept them is to give them the idea that their way of thinking is just as justifiable and proper as yours. And it gives them support to continue that way.

M:

It isn't to say that you need to be accepting of racism or bigotry, but I guess to be accepting of the fact that they are not always the ones who control their own viewpoint. I very much believe that we are shaped by the environment we grow up in. Of course we can change, of course there are some things we should realize when they slap us right in the face, but not everybody goes through the same experiences and some mindsets are more difficult to change than others.

That implies that there is no objective truth, that it all depends, that they might be right and their opinions should be given weight. I don't think they're right. I think they're wrong. And I don't want to accept their views.

[...]

For me, reaction can be just as important as the original action. I think it's much more beneficial for the relationship of both sides to say, "I understand you live in a society that thinks this, but why don't you reanalyze what you're saying and look at it from this point of view, instead." It's only when anyone adamantly refuses to even consider other options that I basically stop accepting them into my life, along with their opinions.

Me:

Maybe it's just semantics then, because the sentence "If we can't accept first that acceptance doesn't come to everyone naturally, then how can we call ourselves more accepting than them?" says to me very clearly that we should be accepting of the unaccepting or we will be hypocrites.

Yes, we should try to understand the context they exist in. Yes, society and environment is a huge factor. I'm not proposing that we all hate all homophobes forever (if I did, I would be hating my own family forever). I'm saying that while context is definitely important if we are trying to reach out to these people and help them understand, we should not accept their viewpoints as legitimate even if we know "where they're coming from". Because that means we're giving validity to the idea that gays are something to be feared, or whatever.

...in the end, I think we're actually agreeing on the point that we should acknowledge and recognize why they believe certain things. Mostly.

Then I start to question: why do we have to be so understanding and accepting and trying so damn fucking hard to educate ignorant people when they are the ones in the wrong? I shouldn't have to teach the privileged bigots why they're wrong.

listen up: fuck you

Can we talk about victim-blaming and how very much Not Okay I am with it? Can we talk about how entirely shocking, depressing, and horrifying it is to realize that some of my closest friends participate in it? Can we talk about the fact that I do want to educate them about the problems associated with it, but sometimes I can't even talk to them about the subject without wanting to tear my hair out and scream about their just world fallacy?

Let me make this clear: VICTIM BLAMING IS NOT OKAY. And if you try to do that to my face, I will be furious.

ETA: How appropriate that I find this post (on how marginalized groups are often thrust into teaching roles and how they should not be obligated to educate others who should be educating themselves) the day after I post?

these are the signs heralding exam period

The onset of exam period makes certain things true:

1. I will spend more time wasting time because I am an executive procrastinator who finds five gazillion other things she'd like to do once the pressure is on and she is faced with exams and deadlines. Organize my bookshelf? Plan for the summer? Plot novels I will never write? Start blogging again about pointless things? Let's go!

2. I will eat out a lot more because cooking takes up time I must reserve for procrastinating on studying. Oh my credit card bill of the month will undoubtedly make me sad. See? This is why I need to plan for the summer and the job I must acquire to provide myself an income. These things are important - clearly more important than the more imminent exams.

3. I will hate undergrads with a passion. I know and love my share of them as long as they are not actually anywhere in my proximity. Undergrads I encounter and am required to deal with personally make me wish there were a ditch or moat surrounding the law school into which all undergrads fell. They are crawling all over the place when exams approach, desperate to find some place to study that isn't their dorm or their overcrowded undergrad library. Understandable, of course. To which I say: GET THE HELL OUT OF MY SCHOOL, YOUNG DESPICABLE WASTES OF SPACE TAKING UP MY AIR. Or, y'know, with actual curse words substituted in.

4. I will still sleep and eat on a fairly normal basis. This is, I hear and know from experience, somewhat uncommon among the general population come crunch time. But I'm old, all right? I went through my periods of shit-awful no-sleep, too-much-caffeine weeks of all-nighters in college. I burned myself out of them. I just don't think the trade off is worth it: when you're that exhausted and pushing yourself that hard, you're not actually retaining much of what you're trying to cram into your brain. You're much better off making an actual schedule instead of pushing everything off until 3am, getting sleep at night, and, um, eating and drinking like a normal functional human being. Your body will appreciate it and so, probably, will your brain.

5. I will have mood swings. I am having mood swings. Apologies in advance if you have to deal with them except, not really, because I hate everything. Except the few things and people I still love no matter what (it's a short list). But, really, I hate everything. "I wish I knew how to quit you" indeed. My life is reduced to quoting Brokeback Mountain - you realize how sad this is, right?

your youth is a precious gift: what will you do with it?

So I have young friends. Sometimes I despair that they make me feel old and sometimes I despair that they are so young and so unlearned to the realities of the world (as compared to my grizzled years of wisdom and experience, of course). Usually these declarations of despair are made in jest or at least not in complete seriousness, because I know the thing about youth is that you get the luxury of growing up. It happens, whether you expect or welcome it.

Sometimes, though, I am profoundly grateful that some of my friends are young, because it gives me hope that they will grow up and learn and grow past certain things like wishing rape on people they don't like.

It's never okay to wish that on anyone, even jokingly. It's not a joke. It's not anywhere near funny.

And it is especially not okay, considering the number of women who have been raped, to wish it on another female. Not that male rape isn't a problem or a crime (it is, and an absolutely under-discussed one at that), but considering that 9/10 rape victims are female, it is a particularly significant issue when people continue perpetuating misogynistic viewpoints.

Please, please figure out that This Is Not Okay.

I said something and the friend in particular did not respond, but I hope it at least got her thinking and that she will be more cautious about saying such things in the future.

Another friend flipped out today when she found out that one of her acquaintances has been raped, making it the third person she knew who had encountered some sort of sexual violence or violation. She was shocked. Understandably so, of course, because it never means as much as it does when it's personal. It hurts more when it strikes close to home and is much scarier - terrifying in its reality.

But the first thing I thought was: You know...rape is not nearly as uncommon as you might think.

The statistics say 1 in 3 women worldwide (1 in 6 in the U.S.) have been sexually assaulted in their lifetime, surviving a completed or attempted rape. That is a pretty staggering figure.

But this friend's reaction made me wonder if hers wasn't just a reflection of the way society at large lives in denial or ignorance about the realities of rape. I know I care and I know people around me who do, but I also know people who don't think about things like this, who probably don't because it's never been relevant for them. It's never become a personal problem until someone - maybe them, maybe a friend, maybe a family member - is raped.

Do we have to wait until that point before we start paying attention and caring?

It's not that I think I'm all-knowing. It's not that I think I know so much more than these friends do. But like another friend, K, said: "I learned a lot about the world after a year or two at college". And it's just that: trying to broaden our minds and worlds to at least be more cognizant of all that we don't know. To understand more how much there is to know.

I'm not trying to judge anyone. I am just hoping people will at least be open to growing past their ignorance and being receptive to all there is out there to learn. And sometimes I am grateful for my young friends because that means they have that much more time to learn.

But you're never too old to keep learning and I hope to, even when I am no longer considered "young".



(statistics from:
http://www.rainn.org/get-information/statistics/sexual-assault-victims
http://www2.ucsc.edu/rape-prevention/statistics.html)

The world is composed of judgmental people.

I am one of those people.

But it's not like I'm not getting judged right back in return.

anyone but dook

Fuck the Dookies are going to be endlessly obnoxious and aggravating tomorrow. More so than usual, I mean.

Oh Butler, so damned close it hurts.

ETA: It serves me right for posting while tired and angry. The word I was looking for was "insufferable".

Dookies in a word.

i'm more than a man in a phony red sheet

So there's a facebook group called "we used to be friends until you got a bf/gf" which symbolizes the common problem of friends becoming MIA once they've acquired a significant other. They get so wrapped up in each other that they forget about spending time with friends (i.e., people who aren't the SO). It's natural to an extent, especially in a new relationship, and it's important to spend time together in order to develop that relationship...but it's a common problem because many people cross an invisible line of spending too much time with only the SO. You can't get so involved in a relationship that you forget to be an independent, individual person with your own interests and friends.*

But that's not really the case here, because this particular friend does see people besides the SO: those people just happen all to be the SO's friends, not her friends. There are a number of reasons why this is also understandable, but in the end I still quite feel like it's not quite right. If it's going to be an actual relationship, both people need to recognize and become familiar with the friends and people important in their SO's lives; it can't just be a one-way street.

At least the friend in question still makes some effort to see the friends (friend) most important to her on her own.

...friend. Just one. There is only one person among the ostensible group of friends who is important enough to make an effort to see and talk to when all other time is spent with the SO and the SO's friends. It's saddening, disappointing, and eye-opening. Though I can't say I'm entirely surprised.

I wonder if there's a facebook group called "we used to be roommates until you got a bf/gf".

Though I suppose I shouldn't be complaining about having the apartment to myself. My main struggle is my lack of reliable transportation now - to school or to, you know, buy groceries. Which needs to be done soon. I guess I'll just have to beg favors and pull out the bribes.

I'm not bitter and I do want her to be happy, even if it's turned out that we're not actually close friends. But if I'm speaking truthfully, the relationship has definitely complicated and added stress to my life. I should totally involve myself in a relationship solely for the benefit of a car. /joking

Nothing in the world right now is worth the drama and stress and emotional engagement required of a relationship.


*I should probably qualify this with the fact that my perspective is entirely colored by how I am evidently in no way ready for relationships or commitment because for me, right now, I come first. My family comes first. My friends come first. And oh man do I need alone time more than I need cuddling/sharing/whatever time.

what do you know of your past?

I would have an intellectual discussion on Mao but I never feel like I am informed enough; I'd prefer that other educated and informed individuals hold a conversation or discussion and let me listen in and learn. The most I can contribute, I feel, is personal experience and feelings: how I feel regarding certain issues, how people I know or have observed have felt regarding certain issues, and so on.

This pondering stemmed from an article on an artist's controversial dressing of her baby daughter in outfits depicting, and I quote, "the most evil historical figures of the 20th century". The figures included: Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Saddam Hussein, Ayatollah Khomeini, Chairman Mao Zedong, Idi Amin, Augusto Pinochet, and Slobodan Milosevic. (Mind, this is for art, which in my mind allows it some leeway. Also, the shallow side of me finds the baby-in-the-Mao-outfit pretty adorable, but that may be the maternal instinct and the Asian bias.)

So my question is: Is Mao considered one of the "most evil historical figures of the 20th century" to a level that makes him comparable to Hitler and Stalin?

I will be the first to admit that he was an idealist and made a lot of misguided attempts at governing that ended in dismal, nigh catastrophic, failure. Many, many millions of people suffered the consequences of his actions.

But I cannot seem to reconcile what I know of him - what I know of Chinese people and their opinions on him - with the Clearly Evil label that the West seems too happy to slap on him. Was he a dictator? Did he commit mass genocide? Did he start or perpetuate a world war? Oppress and starve his people? Not to my knowledge (and my disclaimer is, I humbly recognize, that my knowledge is incomplete and limited).

The majority of the negative opinions directed at him from the West is, as far as I can tell, based almost solely on the fact that he is seen as a figurehead closely tied to Communism. And Communism is Evil. Therefore, Mao is Evil.

One friend, Chinese*, answered my query: "To me, he is. He might have started out with good intentions but he went totally insane."

Another friend, also Chinese**, replied: "No." She qualified it by adding, paraphrased, that although the West seems quick to brand him evil, so much of China seems to like, respect, or otherwise admire him - as if he's done something good. And that, to her, matters. The opinions of the people he was ruling, who would be the ones to most directly suffer the consequences of his actions, matters. And I think it should. To quote her again: "There's only so much ~brainwashing~ can do."

These are things I wonder.

Related to this, but tangentially, the article I linked has a poll. The optional answers to the question "Do you find Baby Hitler offensive?" are: (1) Yes. It's a horrible thing to do to a baby.; (2) No. It's a harmless expression of art.; and (3) Not sure.

Dear New York Daily News:

Yes, I find the outfit on the baby offensive - not the baby herself - because of the ugliness of Hitler's actions and on behalf of all the people who suffered his actions. Not because it's a horrible thing to do to a baby. Why on earth would you think that the baby is the victim here?

Though I can't say I'm terribly supportive of you calling her "Baby Hitler".

Bemused by the misplacing of your priorities when questioning things that are PC,

Mei

So this is food for thought for the moment, while I study for my Korean midterm tomorrow and discuss with various people (again) the utter mediocrity of Burton's Alice in Wonderland. I feel like he's overrated as a director, which is sad, because the visuals are amazing and most of the key actors (save Alice) put in great performances - but that all falls well short of producing a great movie when the story and directing seem so lacking. I'm sad. It had so much potential to be great.


*In the interest of full disclosure, she's Singaporean.
**Canadian.

some food for thought

What I Don't Like About Avatar, in summary.

Yes, it's a movie about environmentalism and a warning about materialism, but it's also a movie about imperialism and thus race. Whether it was a conscious decision or not, whether it was epic and visually breathtaking or not, movies are carriers of messages both deliberate and subconscious and they deserve the right to be discussed and criticized.

Moreover, why on earth do we assume all aliens have to be human-shaped with the same kind of inherent values? This bothers me a lot - far more than it bothers other people and I'm not sure why. I'll ruminate on that.

This movie rubs me wrong in so many ways, the above link is only just an introduction into why I'm not sure I can bring myself to see it.

Also, this post. Hello, epic plot-hole.


Caveat: Watch it, enjoy it, like it all you want. Be awed by the special effects. But these issues exist whether or not you want to acknowledge them and they affect MY opinion, which you don't have to agree with. Just don't dismiss either the issues or my opinion, yeah?

if i was ever yours, i never knew

Funny story: little things hurt my feelings. Weird how that happens. The end. Great story, right?

Moving on: there are two types of people who top my list of personal pet peeves. The average person may not be annoyed by them, by these two groups get my collective hate.

1. radio show hosts
2. music snobs

Not going to go into a detailed rant, but let me sum up the first by saying, "Seriously, why are they allowed to talk?" and to sum up the second by saying, "Please go die in a fire." Except not. Just. Listen to what you like and let everyone else listen to what they like because, guess what, music tastes are personal preferences and that is all okay.

Two songs recently have been looping on my iTunes: (1) 김희철 - 초별 and (2) 조규현 - 7년간의 사랑.

I guess I've always been kind of a ballad girl, if it's the right kind of ballad. Usually I say this only about Chinese ballads because those are the easiest for me to learn to sing along to but, hey, I can totally understand the titles of these Korean ballads. It's a start.

Making an effort to send out mail. Time to hie myself to the post office an acquire some stamps.

what if you just fall into a ditch and die?

I hate my Copyright class. We spent a good half hour today debating whether or not silence (i.e., recording silence) is copyrightable.

NO, IT ISN'T.

For a variety of legal reasons, all brought up in the first five minutes of this debate, that people then spent the rest of the half hour rehashing. Oh my god, shut up, why are you wasting my life?

The thing is, my class is full of such arrogant douchebags who just like to hear themselves talk and have such attitudes when they speak (like, duh, of course I'm right, how could anyone believe any other opinion but mine), that it made me want to argue against them, for the copyrightability of silence.

And silence is not copyrightable.

I'm low-protectionism anyway (how could I be otherwise?). But this was a fucking waste of my time, just like every. other. Copyright. class. ever.

i'm sorry i can't say it to your face

01. I know we're not that close, but way to shaft me. It hurts, and we might've been good friends, but now I don't really want to bother. Just go ahead and hang out with my friends, whatever. I think I'll just be antisocial for life. But also: fuck you. I don't care whether or not it was intentional, it was still a shitty thing to do. God, I'm in a pissy mood.

02. I like you a lot, I really do. I just don't think we have that much in common - which usually wouldn't stop me, but we just don't seem to have much to talk about. We don't really hang out. You're closer to other people and I'm okay with that. Really.

03. I like you when you're not being cute with the guys. Or trying to be cute. I don't know what it is, but that really rubs me the wrong way. Outside of that though, I think you're great. You're fun to hang out with and talk to, except I suppose when you get incredibly stressed. But that happens to all of us. I think the hardest part is dealing with my own anxieties. Sometimes I think I'm afraid you'll replace me.

04. Distance has put some things in perspective for me, and that perspective is telling me that you're young and we don't really have that much in common. I should tell you to live out your glamorous life now while you can, but I don't really want to, since you're doing it already, and being a bit supercilious about it too. I gotta say it: you're not anywhere close to my favorite person at the moment.

05. I miss you.

06. You're my favorite. You've done so much to help me, but you've shown me that you're not infallible either. You're vulnerable, too, despite seeming like you can solve the world's problems. I love you. Thank you.

07. I guess we were never really best friends; it was more a matter of convenience. I guess I'm okay with that. I still like you a lot and I still think we're, well, pretty good friends.

08. Sometimes I really love you. Sometimes I think you just don't get it. But what can I do? To each his or her own. You have to live and learn.

09. I just want to make you proud, but I'm always afraid I won't be good enough. You've worked so hard and I don't know how I can begin to pay everything back. On the other hand, though, there are times when I feel like you will never quite understand me, or where I'm coming from. But I suppose that doesn't change too much in the grand scheme of things. The important things remain.

10. I like you least of everyone I've ever met. I think you're weak, and useless, and you try but not hard enough. I think you rationalize away things to make yourself feel better when deep down you know it's not the case. It's pretty sad to watch, really. I do like some things about you, but there's so much I don't like about you that I...I'm just confused when other people like you. What do they see? Maybe they just don't see enough. Maybe if you change, one day you'll be good enough. You do have some good points. Work on those.

inconsequential irks

Things that annoy me, #11:

People who douse themselves in cologne, perfume, or aftershave - whatever artificial odor it is, they wear too much of it, it smells terrible, and it gives me a headache.

You're lucky no one happens to be playing with an open flame anywhere near you; you'd probably catch on fire. (Gives new meaning to the phrase 'diaf', doesn't it?)

Though I doubt that would smell any better.

to those so-called friends over there

If you have a problem with why I'm friends with G, that's too bad. I don't have time to talk about it or to defend myself or to explain myself. I don't have time to involve myself in this ridiculous drama.

I had a good night. Thanks for ruining it. I'd like you to please stop expecting or demanding things out of me, because if you have a problem with her, I am not responsible for talking to her on your behalf. I'd also like you to stop questioning my judgment in friends, because you're not me, and you don't have that right.

I don't defend everything she does, but that's not the point. The point is that I am angry and unhappy with the way you think I should react a certain way, though you are not me, and you do not know my motives or wishes or, really, all that much about me.

I don't want to talk about this, because it makes me angry, and because it takes up too much time. Maybe we can talk about it after a few days when broaching the subject doesn't instantly incense me, and after I'm free on fall break.

Until then, I refuse to touch this drama and I'll ask you to keep it the fuck away from me. Thanks kindly.

inner beauty is overrated

People who demand to be your best friend forever after knowing you for less than a week are presumptuous and ridiculous. Even if they aren't completely serious in their words, their actions are proving otherwise, because there is a certain type of insidiousness in how they are clinging to you and demanding your attention. It screams look at me! look at me! love me, love me, make me your most important!.

It's disgusting and a little pathetic, and I'm personally offended that you either 1) can't see it, or 2) are allowing it anyway, especially in the face of the fact that it upsets me. Doesn't it count at all that we've known each other longer and are really rather close to each other? Is it wrong of me to expect you to value our friendship a little more than whatever you might have with this other person?

Is it wrong of me to expect you to, if not understand where I'm coming from, at least care enough to reach out to me and try to make it better?