The Last Airbender: a fucking disgrace.

When you choose to pay to see The Last Airbender, you are paying to support institutionalized racism. If you don't get why, ask me. If you're going to see it anyway, knowing why it's problematic, you are effectively telling me that my experiences - my feelings and stories and LIFE - as a minority are secondary to your 2 hours of whitewashed entertainment.



And now for the emotional response:

I wish people were not so fucking ignorant and lazy and would take the time to educate themselves when they see that someone is really upset about something and maybe think, hey, I should check out why they're so upset not just be like "lol why are you upset, PLEASE EXPLAIN THINGS TO ME BC I AM NOT MOTIVATED ENOUGH TO LEARN ON MY OWN". And I know I'm just angry & hurt right now, I know that if we want to really educate people on WHY SOME SHIT SUCKS we really (unfairly) have to do that reaching out, but right now I am just so fucking tired of it, tired of people wallowing lazily in their own privilege and ignorance and not taking the initiative to maybe learn some shit on their own. TLA is seriously affecting me more than I thought it would. At first it was just a cause, a signal boost, to get people aware of the problems and how not okay it was, but somehow now it's personal and hearing people's arguments defending it and accusing people who care of reverse racism and being too sensitive and dismissing our feelings & experiences & EVERYTHING - now it just hurts. I'm not just angry, I am fucking personally hurt. /over-emotional, possibly teary right now, fuck.

I sort of expect to be disappointed by everyone in the world right now, including people I AM close with. Just, fuck, it still hurts. It's personal. It's them essentially saying "I don't care about YOU", I don't think your opinions are valid, I am not going to listen to what you say because I like my ignorance or my privilege just fine.

In fact, I just got an email from some friends I was making plans to see Twilight/Eclipse with (drunkenly to mock) and they said, "Sorry to change the subject but I'll be watching TLA this weekend, if any of you want to join" and I sort of am this close to tears right now. Fuck. They're so so informed on gay rights/feminist issues, some of them ARE PoC, I can't believe they haven't heard the crap about this movie. I can't believe it. I emailed them back with links and basically begging them to not go see it but, dear God, I can't deal with this. How are people so willingly to be blind to these things? I am so upset; this is so fucking personal, and I DARE anyone to tell me not to care or not care so much or that it's not a big deal. I can't deal with this right now.

champagne apocalypse: oh god k i'm still worked up about tla right now
champagne apocalypse: angry/hurt slkghfj i don't even want to talk to people rn bc i know i wouldn't be rational
champagne apocalypse: i'd just be like SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP also FUCK YOU
champagne apocalypse: aslgdkh & that's not exactly productive
champagne apocalypse: this REALLY brings home to me how shitty the tone argument is though
champagne apocalypse: basically saying i'm not going to listen to you can't be polite & rational about it. WELL FUCK YOU this is personal, this hurts, this makes me angry and upset and emotional. thanks for trivializing that and saying i should just get over it if i want to convince you that my opinions & feelings are legitimate.

Eating lunch, taking a nap, I don't even fucking know. Don't talk to me.

The world is composed of judgmental people.

I am one of those people.

But it's not like I'm not getting judged right back in return.

i'm more than a man in a phony red sheet

So there's a facebook group called "we used to be friends until you got a bf/gf" which symbolizes the common problem of friends becoming MIA once they've acquired a significant other. They get so wrapped up in each other that they forget about spending time with friends (i.e., people who aren't the SO). It's natural to an extent, especially in a new relationship, and it's important to spend time together in order to develop that relationship...but it's a common problem because many people cross an invisible line of spending too much time with only the SO. You can't get so involved in a relationship that you forget to be an independent, individual person with your own interests and friends.*

But that's not really the case here, because this particular friend does see people besides the SO: those people just happen all to be the SO's friends, not her friends. There are a number of reasons why this is also understandable, but in the end I still quite feel like it's not quite right. If it's going to be an actual relationship, both people need to recognize and become familiar with the friends and people important in their SO's lives; it can't just be a one-way street.

At least the friend in question still makes some effort to see the friends (friend) most important to her on her own.

...friend. Just one. There is only one person among the ostensible group of friends who is important enough to make an effort to see and talk to when all other time is spent with the SO and the SO's friends. It's saddening, disappointing, and eye-opening. Though I can't say I'm entirely surprised.

I wonder if there's a facebook group called "we used to be roommates until you got a bf/gf".

Though I suppose I shouldn't be complaining about having the apartment to myself. My main struggle is my lack of reliable transportation now - to school or to, you know, buy groceries. Which needs to be done soon. I guess I'll just have to beg favors and pull out the bribes.

I'm not bitter and I do want her to be happy, even if it's turned out that we're not actually close friends. But if I'm speaking truthfully, the relationship has definitely complicated and added stress to my life. I should totally involve myself in a relationship solely for the benefit of a car. /joking

Nothing in the world right now is worth the drama and stress and emotional engagement required of a relationship.


*I should probably qualify this with the fact that my perspective is entirely colored by how I am evidently in no way ready for relationships or commitment because for me, right now, I come first. My family comes first. My friends come first. And oh man do I need alone time more than I need cuddling/sharing/whatever time.

carolina priceless gem, receive all praises thine

You just finished sending out your college applications and you've already heard back from some places -- you're a finalist for the Morehead scholarship at UNC. That's awesome -- fantastic! Except, of course, you really, really doesn't want to go there.

I wouldn't mind that so much (or really, at all) except that when you talk about how much you don't want to go to UNC, you say it with such...contempt and disgust. I know you can do better. You really want to go to better universities in bigger cities, and with all you've done in your international school, you can probably get in.

There's just something about the way you talk about UNC vs. the other schools that sort of rubs me the wrong way (e.g., NYU is your first choice because it's in "hello, NEW YORK," like NYC is the end all and be all of places to live). Part of it may be that I feel patronized, like you think that I wasn't smart enough to go elsewhere or that I was stupid for choosing to go to UNC, in North Carolina of all places! I admit I have my big-city love (Beijing ♥, Seoul ♥), but I've realized since I moved to St. Louis that NC is actually home for me now, despite all the moving around I did as a kid, and that I love NC.

I love North Carolina, and it really isn't all that horrific a place to live.

You lived here for a good few years too - but I guess you never had the same love for it, since you moved and spent your high school years in S, a very modern city with all the big-city conveniences. I'm sure that's why you're prone to like big cities like NYC. Which is fine. I can understand that. I just wish you didn't treat going to UNC as a last-ditch, absolutely worst-case ew-how-will-I-be-able-to-stand-it option. It's not that bad. Everyone I know who goes there, or went there, loves it.

It ranks pretty high among the national universities; among the public universities, it's in the top five. For value, it's number one. It has the number one basketball team in the country; has a great journalism school and very respectable business and law schools. Its medical school and dental school rank pretty high too. It has a beautiful campus and some great professors, including Nobel Prize winners. It's diverse and active and surrounded by a artsy, interesting, liberal town. Franklin Street will always be legendary. There may not be as many big-city opportunities in Chapel Hill as there would be in New York or DC, but it's the definitive college town experience. Would that be so awful to experience after high school in a big city and a most likely post-graduation job in a big city? Try some diversity on for taste.

Even if it's not for you, could you at least try not to talk about it like you'd die if you had to go? Show a little respect for those of us who went there and loved it.

I will always be glad I went to UNC, no matter where I am now or where I will end up.

So please. 别太小看它.

can you cry on cue?

Some things that have made me want to cry tonight:

My dad is so proud of me. He does it the Asian parent way: always comparing you to someone else's kid, always saying you could've done this or that better - at least to your face. As soon as you're gone, he's bragging about you to everyone he knows. My mom has mentioned this to me twice now, and it breaks my heart, because I'm happy that he can be proud of me, that I've given him something to brag about. But I also feel like I don't deserve it and that I should be working so much harder to achieve so much more than I have.

My brother suffers in part from my not being around because all he gets from my parents is the typical "do better, try harder, fix this, why are you like this, everyone else is better" lectures from my parents, and on top of that, also gets to hear my dad sing my praises to other people. He feels unloved, unappreciated. I wish I knew how to tell him how smart he is. He is much smarter than I was at that age. (I was better with people though; he ought to work on his social skills.) He has a lot to be proud of - it's just a matter of learning to understand and deal with Chinese parents. They're proud of him too.

I miss my mom's cooking, as cliché as that is.

M emailed me with a picture of her new hair in China. I miss her. It feels like it's been so long since I've seen her properly. I don't want to grow apart, but sometimes I feel like I don't deserve her. I'm too frivolous.

T is a really sweet, really understanding boyfriend. I don't know what I've done to deserve him.

Other M, shut up. The things you've said, I already know, and they're the last things I need to hear. You just come off supercilious and sort of patronizing. It's aggravating in the worst way, because I've never judged you that way. Please don't do it to me.

I feel like shit, physically. I hope I don't get sick.

take a stand for what you want to be

I've always known I could be jaded and cynical about some things, most particularly life and people and the stupidity that pervades in both, but I've never actually wanted to be a bad person. (Then again, who does?) I never thought I'd be a bad person.

These are the small ways in which I think law school's changed me, and I'm not sure I like it. Instead of making me smarter or transforming me into someone with an elevated ability for analysis, I've just become...a smaller person, empathetically.

You know, it does matter to me what people think of me. It doesn't define who I am, no, but it matters. I care about other people's opinions, especially when those people happen to be people I care about, and like. I don't like not being liked. I don't like being judged. I don't like feeling as if I am stripping myself of any respect I once had in someone else's esteem.

These could very well be my own anxieties and guilty conscience projecting onto others, but either way, I suppose it comes down to one thing:

I don't have to love everything about someone to like her, and whether or not I like her shouldn't affect the basic respect I have for her. So I should stop being a hypocrite and stop talking trash and stop being like a melodramatic high schooler. This is not the kind of person I'd respect. This is not the kind of person I'd like to be.

So...I'm sorry. And I'll say it again.

i'm not sure that's the answer you're looking for

Okay, I'm confused and a little creeped out. Mostly confused, though, because I am apparently bad at life. Unintentionally bad, but bad nonetheless.

I should just move to a cave and be horrible to people, and maybe things will be less confusing. I don't feel particularly bad (okay, I do, somewhat) because mostly I am confused.

And selfish.

And it's weird that I have no one "back home" to talk to about this stuff because I'm the eldest of them. Life, how strange...

Who ever expected my life to be even close to this melodramatic? I feel ridiculous.




Also: What the fuck.

to those so-called friends over there

If you have a problem with why I'm friends with G, that's too bad. I don't have time to talk about it or to defend myself or to explain myself. I don't have time to involve myself in this ridiculous drama.

I had a good night. Thanks for ruining it. I'd like you to please stop expecting or demanding things out of me, because if you have a problem with her, I am not responsible for talking to her on your behalf. I'd also like you to stop questioning my judgment in friends, because you're not me, and you don't have that right.

I don't defend everything she does, but that's not the point. The point is that I am angry and unhappy with the way you think I should react a certain way, though you are not me, and you do not know my motives or wishes or, really, all that much about me.

I don't want to talk about this, because it makes me angry, and because it takes up too much time. Maybe we can talk about it after a few days when broaching the subject doesn't instantly incense me, and after I'm free on fall break.

Until then, I refuse to touch this drama and I'll ask you to keep it the fuck away from me. Thanks kindly.