gonna live life 'til we're dead

S came down from Boston to visit this weekend. \o/ Picked her up at Union Station on Saturday morning and we had coffee/food and wandered the mall there a bit, then walked down to Chinatown in search of the promised coffee haven of glory and national-recognition-receiving baristas. What we found was the hipsterest of hipster coffeeshops, aptly named Chinatown Coffee. I will admit the cafe mocha I had was good, but I'm not sure it was worth how much I paid for it. Maybe I am just not cut out to be a hipster snob about coffee; my soul is too frugal.

We actually then ran into A and J and their friend, who were up from NC for the weekend and whom we were meeting for lunch anyway. A and S acquired bubble tea and then we traipsed a whole half a block (Chinatown, DC is all of one block) to Matchbox, the famed pizza place everyone and their mother says you must try. To be fair, the pizza was pretty darn good. I enjoyed that it was on a crust so thin as to almost be nonexistent because I hate unnecessary bread and Chicago deep dish is the stuff of my pizza nightmares. If I had nightmares about pizza, anyway; usually dreams involving food are good ones. And then sometimes I have dreams about going to Backstreet Boys fansignings, like I did last night, apropos of nothing, but I digress...

Post-lunch, S and I watched The Dark Knight Rises! I will not spoil, but suffice to say it's hard to sympathize with the main character when Christian Bale as Bruce Wayne elicits nothing so much as apathy from me, but everyone else was great! T-HARD was fantastic. Anne Hathaway was a lot of fun. JGL impressed me. Gary Oldman is always Gary Oldman, meaning excellent. Marion Cotillard was also great, though I was thinking "Inception reunion" the entire time. Michael Caine had a much briefer appearance than I expected, as did Morgan Freeman. But Tom Hardy! Did I mention Tom Hardy? Plot was questionable but entertaining, and the ending made me really happy. Because I am baised. :)

It was raining after so we ducked into a Starbucks, where I randomly came across J from Duke KDPhi Alphas. O: Unexpected pleasure! I did love the Alphas and J has always been great. So S and I sat with her and her friend and we chatted and caught up a bit. She's living in Rockville and going to law school in NYC in the fall, and I extended all my dubious congrats and well-wishing and preemptive sympathies.

Quick dinner and then S and I headed up to V apartment for her housewarming/housecooling, though with the rain, it was cool enough. So I suppose that counts as mission accomplished! We met her other fannish friends, had lots of food and drinks, talked fandom and generally had a terribly good time. We played Cards Against Humanity, which is like Apples to Apples but for terrible people. The cards were more in line of "War! What is it good for?" Submissions included "Team building exercises" and "Genghis Khan". The winning card: "Inappropriately timed Holocaust jokes."

My last drink had too much vodka in it, which I was not sober enough to realize, so I actually ended my night sort of miserable and throwing up in V's bathroom. Oops. I thought I'd put those poor life decisions behind me in law school, but apparently this whole growing up and making smart decisions things is something I still need to work on. S and V were both great though. Soooo grateful for knowing awesome people. V actually let us crash at hers for the night, so I got to do a walk of shame the next morning, except my shame was mostly at my poor drinking decisions and not a one-night stand, but I suppose in the end all walks of shame = shame for poor life decisions.

On the bright side, I wasn't particularly hungover because I'd gotten most of the alcohol out of me the night before! Still, I realized too much greasy food was not good when I went to brunch and only managed to eat half my Eggs Michael (like Eggs Benedict but with sausage patties instead of Canadian bacon) before feeling a bit queasy. I had my coffee instead. But I did survive and spent the afternoon watching Running Man episodes with S - until she dozed off into a nap. Naps trump everything, though; fair enough!

We grabbed some really great Thai food (including tom yum soup and mango-sticky rice dessert!) before I sent her off to the metro so she could get back to Union Station and catch her bus back up to Boston. Then I went home, cleaned, and passed out because, meh, life.

Apparently I am just in that state of mind where I am like meh, everything. The tired apathy is strong with me this week. Stuff I need to do: so much car stuff. Effort it requires: a whole of a damn lot.

Anyway, going to make my to-do lists so I can make sure I'm not forgetting anything and feel satisfied when I get to check things off. Thing I should add to this list: eat.

if poetry could describe the way you made me feel...

A Softer World straddles "pretentious" and "unsettlingly incisive" for me. There are strips less wistful and more sardonic that also apply, but I try to not dwell on my cynicism; the world provides me enough of that on a daily basis.

Sometimes I reread old entries and wonder if I've grown at all, when all my issues - my fears and worries - are still the same. Other times I reread those entries and am profoundly thankful for where I am today and the people who got me here.

Friendship is a funny thing. Every friendship is shaped a little differently, even if echoes of similarity ring through them; every interpersonal relationship is different, after all, rooted at the bottom from two separate people. Some friendships require constant care, though not always the most tender consideration each and every time. Other friendships can pass quietly in the background, faded from immediate occupation of your consciousness, but reemerge as strong as ever when you reach for it.

Some friendships die without the proper care or attention, if you haven't figured them out what they require and how - if - you can give it.

Friendships change, too. New ones and old ones. I don't know how to tell which ones fall naturally into the kind where you talk frequently and share everything and which ones are the kind where you talk infrequently but always with feeling. Always with feeling. Everything with feeling. That's how we do things 'round here. I got a whole bunch of feelings, y'all.

Hope is the worst thing, that treacherous feeling left in Pandora's box, and yet where would we be without it? Grimly stoic, perhaps. Resigned to our fates, for better or for worse.

Hope is a flower I don't know whether I should guard and water and raise, or one I should secret away where no one can see it wither, should I be disappointed.

I'm not a risk-taker but sometimes I want to take risks. I don't know what I'm doing and it's going against every comfortable, familiar instinct I have. My radars are broken and I have no guide.

What do I have but hope? It's too late. I've already planted that seed, built that tree house in the sky. Let's reach for the clouds.

Also: happy fourth of July.

I remember you as you were in the last autumn

Last night, I made beef stew from scratch! Well, in all honesty, it was more a hybrid between traditional (Western) beef stew (no tomatoes, though) and (Asian) beef noodle soup. Spicy and delicious! I am pleased, though I still think my mom's version is better. Must learn her secret...

Painted my nails yesterday, too, painstakingly attempting stripes - slow work and painfully difficult with tape. One day I will just acquire the proper tools - brushes and pens and whatnot. For now, I repainted them all blue in Zoya Yummy and they're kind of boring and not particularly autumn-themed, but they will suffice.

Also caught up with this season's HIMYM and H50, which continues to make me lol re: plot. Just--everything. /eyeroll People are still hot, though, so I'm good with watching. Needs more Kono and, oh god, fewer white people though. So many white guest stars, why. I do like the new governor though!

Had dinner Thursday with P & R up in Chapel Hill and that was nice; catching up with people in general is nice, even if as we slowly grow older it becomes less of a "daily contact" thing and more of a "once a month" thing.

Not too many updates on the job-hunting front, but I am seriously looking at apartments in DC now. So there's that. Terrifying in its way, but necessary, I think.

海浪

I shudder when I look through archives of my old blogs and see the way I used to be so - young, I suppose, back in the day. Maybe I shouldn't blame myself for that, but it makes me wonder if I'll look back at how I am now in a few years and shudder still.

Apparently July is a tough month for me, generally speaking, over the years. This year, I'm worried my ~depression~ will interfere with my bar review - mostly in that it strips away the time I need to study with periods of listlessness/hopelessness/pointlessness. And other -esses.

Friendships always fuck me up more than any other type of relationship. Perhaps it is a sign I am not committed enough to those other relationships, or a sign that I am not yet ready for them. Somehow, I am not shocked. Sometimes (more often now) I wonder whether I even want that kind of relationship. What do I want? Ah, the essential question.

In happier news, I made garlic fried rice this morning and breakfast sausages. Cooking, like cleaning, makes me feel much more productive than studying ever will, since you reap the benefits of instant and visible results. Unfortunately, cooking and cleaning will probably not help me pass the bar...

with stable ground beneath your feet

G left today and while I'm sad she had to go because we actually had a really good time together, I'm also a bit relieved because I got nothing done for the bar while she was here. It was a trade-off I was willing to make (happy to make!) but it means I have to handle more stress and tighter deadlines now. I have to make up my sleep deficit and study deficit. It will be okay though - I am not exactly looking forward to it, but I am fairly equable about it.

Google+ looks quite shiny and lovely and better than FB, but I admit I am inclined to like Google products. I don't have the time to play around on it now though, and I really question whether I need yet another social forum in which to draw circles and define levels of interaction. My compartmentalizing skills may be capable of bearing the burden, but it gets weary all the same. Another thought to put off until after the bar. Everything is getting put off until after the bar!

I really wish I had more time to read books (alas) or exercise (hah) or research for AGA. I feel bad that I am not doing more. After tomorrow's simulated MBE, I'll shoot A an email. I pretty much won't be good at staying in touch for the next 3 weeks though. 3 weeks, oh god.

this brief sojourn through the philippines

Philippines, March 9 -13:

Thursday, 3/10
The moon is a Cheshire cat's grin in the sky tonight, bright against the black sky. The stars - well, they exist. Frankly, sometimes I forget, having grown too accustomed to city-living and nightlights. It has been a long time since I've seen so many stars, so bright.

Tonight, D and I are in Coron, Palawan, one of the many islands of the Philippines. It is a mountainous beach town, limestone mountains right up agains the ocean. It reminds me a lot of Nha Trang, actually, but less commercial and packed with tourists. Here, it is still rural countryside, quiet that is broken only by a cacophony of barking dogs and crowing roosters. (Here, the roosters alert you to whatever hour they please. On a side note, cock fighting remains legal in the Philippines, according to D.)



We've come far from the chaos of Manila. When I arrived at Clark Airport yesterday and took an hour and a half bus ride down into Manila, the guy sitting next to me and I made friends and held a number of interesting conversations about Asia, America, culture, internationalism, and a number of other things. One thing I mentioned was that all Asian countryside (through which we were passing at the time) look a little bit the same, and all Asian cities look a little bit the same as well. Manila reminded me a lot of Ho Chi Minh City with its packed streets and endless honking, the people milling carelessly through the jammed cars and motorbikes to cross where they could, like water stubbornly finding its way around a barrier of rocks. The tricycles (motocycles with a side-attached carrier seat) reminded me of the tuktuks in Cambodia (motorcycles with the carrier seat attached behind). But Manila definitely has a personality of its own: loud, poor, busy, struggling, thriving, shopping. Manila is composed of shopping malls everywhere you look, boasting the third and fourth largest malls in the world (behind the largest in Edmonton, Canada and the second-largest in Minnesota, I think).

I met M at Megamall yesterday and we chatted, had dinner, then met up with D, who took me to a friend's house to crash together for the night.

There are street boys on every busy corner, hailing taxis for anyone looking for them for a few pesos - as much as they can get. There are children everywhere, said D, because of the war the Catholic Church (so influential in a country that is overwhelmingly Catholic) wages against the reproductive health system. Condoms? For shame. It was fascinating to see how many people were actively Catholic yesterday, as it was Ash Wednesday and so many people passed by wearing ash crosses on their forehead. And so many more, without their crosses, still consider themselves Catholic. It was, to me, a sort of comparative exercise to Cambodia, where the people were overwhelmingly Buddhist with some Hindu influences. In so many ways we are the same, but in so many ways we are different.

Manila's public transit is a nightmare. The roads are jam-packed at all hours of the day, as are the trains. I have never retrospectively appreciated Singapore's MRTs as much; I will never again compare you to Seoul's and find you lacking! But we survived the MRTs, the trikes, the jeeps, the buses, the cabs (I've basically been on all forms of public transit in the Philippines within the first 24 hours), and made it to the airport to catch a short 40-minute flight to Coron.

We arrived around 1pm, checked in to our hotel, got lunch (chicken adobo, of course I will have pictures ltaer), and started on our city tour. We saw the harbor, the city center, and the cashew harvest factory - cashews are a major export here, a wealth that grows on trees. Plus, they are delicious. We trekked Mount Tapyas, which was really just a 726 step stair climb (or exercise in effusive sweating), and then, after we took a gazillion pictures to prove our success, made it back down to head to the hot springs. Natural salt-water hot springs surroundedby a mangrove forest - it was amazing to soak there after that mountain stair climb.




We soaked, we came back, we showered, we got dinner. We hit up a close-by Western bistro in our exhaustion which can be summed up thus:

1. 50 peso rum and coke - that is approximately $1. Did I get some? You bet I did.

2. SURPRISE MUSHROOOMS IN MY SPAGHETTI MEAT SAUCE. WORST SURPRISE EVER. :(((


Friday, 3/11
I have spent my time in the Philippines doing two things in particular: climbing up a lot of stairs and snorkeling.

Oh, and surviving death!

Well, this is only partly a joke in reference to the tsunami that was supposed to hit the Philippines, but it is morbid and in bad taste, so really it is not entirely a joke. We were lucky to be on the opposite side of the Philippines from where the tsuanami was supposed to hit, so despite being out on the water (in the water) all day, we saw nothing out of the ordinary and are totally safe and sound. D's boyfriend freaked out at her via text a bit, and I had a few people check in with me over email and FB, but all is well.

The other bit of death-defying mostly entailed almost but not quite drowning a few times while snorkeling today. Honestly, we spent more time in the water that out of it and it was for the most part a lot of fun. Every other time I've gone snorkeling, they've given us life jackets or life savers, but I suppose they are not mandatory...as we were not given them today. We survived, though!

In the morning we started our island-hopping tour with a tiny private boat - it was just the two of us, our tour guide, our boat captain and his (I guess) first mate.



It was like the Vietnam island-hopping trip except with much fewere people and with much more time in the water. I felt like I'd been brined, honestly.

We hit the Twin Lagoons first, which are connected with a tiny hole you swim under, only accessible during low tide.



There was a lot of beautiful coral and fish there and it was very quiet. Later we hit a different island, had a delicious spread for lunch (grouper fish, eggplant salsa, grilled pork chops, steamed crab), and lazed around a bit recovering. Afterwards we snorkeled some more, except this time we hit open water, and discovered the difficulties of snorkeling against a current determined to push you away from wherever you're going. For instance, your boat.

A third snorkeling site to see Skeleton Wreck, which was a Japanese ship that had been sunk during WWII; it was covered in coral and barnacles and seaweed. I really wish we had had an underwater camera...

A fourth snorkeling site, and then we turned to another island to make a steep hike up a mountain. This is the view from the top.



We went back down the other side of the mountain and found a lake! 80% freshwater Not so much to look at underwater here except rocks, though there were also shrimp wandering around and that nibbled at my feet and arms when I sat still long enough. A strange tickling sensation. It was cool seeing wild shrimp though (for lack of a better term); I thought of those paintings by Qi Shi and felt at once so cultured and so Chinese. It was a weird moment.

We hiked back up and down the mountain to return to our boat, then spent the last hour of our trip lazing at a tiny beach while D texted with her boyfriend to reassure him that, no, we were not about to be killed by tsunami, seriously. Our tour guide and boat captain were unfazed throughout the whole ordeal in any case. What a catastrophe in Japan though, that earthquake. I hope rescue and recovery go well and that people stay as safe as possible.

Back to the hotel for showers and dinner. We ate at a bamboo grill and had pork sisig, which is chopped up bits of pork face, pork snout, and pork brains! It was actually delicious.




Saturday, 3/12
No big news today and no pics to accompany. D and I crashed hard at 10 last night and woke up around 8 - a beautiful ten hours of sleep. We had breakfast at our hostel and then wandered into town for some coffee. Mmm, cafe mocha. We wandered back to our hostel to pack and check out and hit the airport around 11, since it requires about a forty-five minute drive. However, once we arrived at the airport, we discovered our 2 o'clock flight had been pushed back to 4, because the first flight was delayed and the airline/airport was so tiny that it only had one plane. So we sat and we waited and ate some cookies for lunch.

The flight was super quick - forty minutes and we were back to Manila. Essentially it went up, cruised for approximately fifteen minutes, and went back down. By this time we were starving for an early dinner, so we headed to a Japanese restaurant that D and her boyfriend frequent, and met up with her boyfriend M there. Food? Delicious. I love maki rolls, okay. I don't think I've had sushi since coming abroad, actually. I will have pics of our delicious foods later up on FB. Also miso soup, mm.

So the story of my Saturday night was a long bus ride from Megamall to Clark Airport around 9pm, meaning I arrived at the airport before midnight, when my flight leaves at 7:40am... (The morning bus doesn't leave until 7, and since it takes approximately two hours to get to the airport, I cannot take that one.)

Little are my life complaints though, after seeing the news this morning doing its full report of the impact of the earthquake tsunami (and resulting nuclear power plant issues) in Japan.


Sunday, 3/13
I am back in Singapore and I really don't want to talk about it. Let me shower and pass out, please and thank you.

Thank you D for making my Philippines trip as lovely as it was. ♥

这感觉 我不知怎麼形容

Yesterday, I had a really good Skype session with J. We talked about everything and nothing and it was a lot like our conversations back when we hung out in person. It was also just really nice to catch up with him and see how easily we slide back into our friendship. He is a lost cause for initiating contact ever and is horrible at staying in touch with people; it used to bother me but now I think I'm resigned to it and am willing to make that first (second, third) nudge because at least I know he'll always be willing, so long as I make that first step.

This also reminds me that I need to make more of an effort with my other friends though. Ahh, let me email or FB or something! I miss them too.

Last night, had dinner out with L & her new fiancé T, plus A and a bunch of L's other friends. We went for dim sum at Din Tai Fung, basement of Paragon on Orchard. Pretty delicious food, an overall really fun time. Ah, I don't always mind being social, you see!

Today, I'm off to the Philippines and the welcoming arms of M and D! What lies I have told you: the Vietnam/Cambodia travel write-up will clearly not be happening before I go.

where do your draw your lines in the sand?

Query: What constitutes being a good friend? Supporting them no matter what happens, because friendships mean you always know whose back you've got - or calling a friend out on their stupidity and potentially hurtful behavior, whether hurtful to them or to others?

I'd like to think it's the latter, as long as that calling out is still done with love and support. Sometimes that ends up in having to walk away from the friendship though, after repeated failed attempts, and that's kind of a terrifying thought. How far do you push? How many second or third chances do you give? How do you decide when enough is enough?

On the flip side, there are so many people who seem to opt for the first choice because there is less confrontation involved. Is that really the healthiest manifestation of friendship? Some people seem to think so, and take that blind leap of faith to support and defend a friend without examining the situation in further detail. Is that what friendship means, that you're not supposed to be objective or impartial? You should be biased towards your loved ones. But to what extent? Surely not to the point where you're encouraging harmful behavior.

There is so much gray area and undefined lines in our world of relationships.

The real bitch of the irony is this: I can be objective when it comes to my friends, but hell if I can apply the same standards to family. Family is something I am stupidly blind and defensive over and even if I can acknowledge their faults, no one else is allowed the same privilege of criticism.


In other news, I am discovering (belatedly) the music of McFly, am slowly making my way through my books, and am thinking about which movies deserve to be rewatched. Ocean's 11 is always fair game!

it's funny: I always have the words for other people

So it's weird because I was feeling like this yesterday too. The whole "what is the point? why am I doing this?" and "I WILL NEVER BE HAPPY". It is all very dramatic, just like you said, but it doesn't stop being scary or discouraging.

I guess I just want to say I empathize and that, no matter how hard it is for me, I think in the end we can just do our best. I don't think most people have a fixed goal in mind with happiness - and those who do may not be totally realistic. We should spend our lives striving not for some imaginary future happiness but to better ourselves, love ourselves, do something good with what we have. And, like you said, appreciate it.

I don't think you're bland or useless or unlovable. I think you're far too human for that. :) I think you have passion and you have joy and you have sorrow. You care, and you're a friend, and you are smart and capable and it's hardest to convince ourselves (I know how hard it is to convince myself) but I hope it helps a little just to hear the words, even if from someone else.

Now it's only a matter of learning to listen to myself. Or maybe listen to myself less, because I tend to overthink, to panic, to gasp at life like I can't risk the pause to breathe.

我在你心中只是 just a friend

There's nothing like a weekend with people you chose to love to remind you that the people around you are not the ones you chose...

They (whoever they might be) say: "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with."

How true is this, though? It sounds like good advice, but is it as easy or as plausible as it seems?

Sometimes circumstances force proximity and proximity for an extended period of time creates a false impression of emotional closeness. This is not always true. But it's the way we cope, because when it's make nice with those around you or spend an eon caught in perpetual awkwardnes...the choice isn't really a difficult one. Still, within that group of friends-through-circumstance, there will be some with whom you are closer, some who are probably people you would have chosen to love even without the external factors of environment.

But, one might argue, every situation in life provides external circumstances that force proximity: school, of course, and then work. You don't get to choose where you grow up because that's in your parents' hands; you don't get to choose the kind of people in your class or in your school. In the same way, you don't get to choose your co-workers or your supervisors, which is why people always tell horror stories from work. This is all true. But there are still levels of forced proximity: law school or the workplace, for instance, provide much smaller groups of people you see every day. College, on the other hand, especially state universities like the one I went to, provide such a vast sea of people from which you can pick your friends. This is why people say you make your lifelong friends in college - because they are people you choose to love and that kind of relationship lasts longer. Similarly, the internet provides that kind of wide selection pool where you can pick and choose your friends on whatever criteria you choose: similar interests in books, similar viewpoints on politics, similar worldviews about religion or what-have-you.

When you choose to connect to people on a personal level, the relationship tends to last because you've committed past certain levels of trust. You've opened yourself up to being vulnerable on things that really matter to you, unlike when you connect only on superficial interests such as, oh, basketball or reading or (for instance) kpop. Of course, you can make the argument that certain shared interests can reflect connections on a personal level (e.g., the type of material someone enjoys reading may say something about the kind of person they are and the way they think and approach the world). Still, on the whole, I'm wary of making friendships rooted solely in superficial interests.

No, that is phrased badly. Those friends are good ones to have, because it is always fun to have people you can talk to about those shared interests, with whom you can be enthusiastic without having to explain or justify yourself. I would just recommend (for myself, primarily) in keeping cautious about depending on them for more personal matters; go instead to the people you trust, the people who really know you. They might not be the ones who will shout at or flail at the TV with you, but they are the ones who will love you and support you and advise you in your best interests.

The weekend in NYC made me realize that L&L are people I trust and love; they are trusted, truest friends. I have things in common with them that go beyond liking kpop or liking aquariums or liking delicious Asian food - and that means I don't feel like I have to feel uncomfortable around them. I don't feel like I have to hide so much from them.

Really, the point of this post is just to say that I am grateful for all of my friends, but in particular those I feel most myself around. And that those friends are not necessarily the ones I see every day or that I talk to the most often. They might be; but they don't have to be. I chose to love you and I am thankful for you. :)

朋友一生一起走 那些日子不再有

Leaving New York and L&L recalls for me leaving Seoul last summer, after Super Show: it aches with a reluctance to leave behind one of the best experiences I've ever had. It's partly the city, partly the people, and partly just the entire experience, which has been composed of memory-making moments, incredible amounts of happiness, and a sense of being removed from my mundane reality. I'm so loath to return to the real world. It's harder than last summer too because from Seoul I only returned to Beijing, still a summer in a place a love, despite the work tied to it; leaving New York, I've come back to St. Louis and law school, and I have to hit the ground running. I have a full day of classes tomorrow, I have a Korean quiz to make up, reading to do, an assignment due Wednesday, and a seminar paper to work on. I don't have time to dwell and relive the memories - maybe it will be for the best.

Still, I will probably forgo sleep later tonight or later this week to upload pictures to Facebook or tinypic; I want to share a fraction of the fun I had and show people what I look like when I'm happy. Remember that? Sometimes I forget what it's like.

L&L I had so much fun doing silly things, being touristy, camwhoring, talking, joking. We ate so many delicious things, sang karaoke, got tipsy, talked about celebrity crushes, and shared our fears and thoughts about families and futures. I don't know how to put into words how memorable the weekend was, how it was one of the best I've ever had.

In recent memory, the weekend in Seoul (July 16-19) and the weekend in NYC (March 26-29) have been the most memorable experiences in my life. Because they've helped me rediscover parts of myself and because they've given me reasons (and reminders) to love life. I loved life. I don't know if they are all that life-changing, but they have carved deep impressions in me. I know a large part of why they have attained this pedestal status in my mind is because they are rare, one-of-a-kind, unlikely to be repeated and all the more precious for it: still, I will never regret them.

L&L are like my little sisters - but more than that, they are true friends. I love you guys. It's hard to say goodbye to you, to our weekend, to my brief little escape from reality.

I will another time detail the adventures of this weekend. ♥

一辈子陪你一起走下去

on virtual friendships
194w.

Sometimes I would just like to defriend everyone, delete everything, cut off all ties and access, and go live in a real world where people talk face-to-face and you can hear their laughter and feel their presence and the memories live on as more than just words and fading feelings.

People were not made for long-distance relationships. Nor were people made for facsimiles of relationships through the kilobytes and megabytes of technology. I want to feel your arms around me when we hug, without the distance of virtual silence and dead air.

I want more than different colored letters shaping words I will never hear, more than a proliferation of smiles I will never see and heart-shapes that stand in for real emotion. I want the reality of your voice and the tangibleness of a letter, a card, a photograph, under my fingers.

These words, they will last forever, but they are empty - I want the transience of you at my side, moving, breathing, always changing and never static, alive. Alive and choosing to be by my side, to be my friend.

Will you reach out your hand if I reach out mine?

and in ten years, will you remember me?

Sometimes, my mom tells me depressing things like it's hard to stay in touch with friends you don't have a lot in common with anymore, because you'll all be too busy with your own lives. While I understand that there is some truth in that statement, and I've come to some acceptance about fading connections (though not affection) for people I'm close to now, I hope I never lose touch with certain people. I doubt I will, though, because they're necessary to me.

That's a funny word, too, though: "necessary". What it means for me now may not be what it means for me later. There are people I thought necessary to me in the past that are no longer: not necessarily in a negative way, either, only in that I grew up and managed my life on my own, without them, and I survived. It's not that I would've chosen that path if given a second chance, but it might have been for the best. Then again, it might not have. Either way, I think the fact remains that we don't get to go back and change things in our past, so we can only adapt and do the best we can with the present and the future that we are given.

There are certain people who are necessary to me now who may not be necessary to me later. That's an unnerving thought. It doesn't mean I will love them any less, of course, but I hope that love will be enough to keep us close to each other.

Of course, there are people who will alway be necessary to me, I think, no matter what. Just in different ways. And it helps that time has proven us over and over again. J is a good example. Sometimes we go for months without talking, but I've never not considered her important to me, or a good friend, or someone I could depend on, or someone I would invite to my future wedding.

I've known her for...five years. I wonder if that's long or not, in the grand scheme of things.

I honestly don't think I believe in labels anymore. There are certain people who are more important and more necessary to me than other people, but it's not a ranking. I don't think I can even label people "best friend" anymore. It's not the label that makes it true.

Maybe I think too much for my own good - not always in a bad way, though. I like to pretend it's part of my growing up.

walk this road and wear it down

You were mine first and I hate that it means nothing, because I don't have a right to you just because I knew you first. I hate that it feels like I'm losing you. And you. And you.

I know you don't understand what it feels like. I'm not asking you to.

Just...give me a little time to work it out, so I'm not miserable every time I see you, wondering whether I still matter the same, or at all. I know better than this. I know I matter. I just have to conquer my own fears and doubts

It's not a matter of possession, but a matter of trust. That's what friendships are built on.

I have to trust you (and you and you) that you aren't going to slowly, one by one, walk away from me. Because sometimes that's what it feels like.

(And sometimes anger is an easier path to take than fear.)

14 love letters

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! ♥

Fourteen love letters.

01
We've drifted apart somewhat, but that's only to be expected, with the physical distance separating us. It's okay, though. I don't think we need to be in constant communication with each other to still care. I guess this is part of what growing up is about. I hope you know that no matter where life takes you, I will always love you for who you are, same and different from the person that I am. You will live your own life and I will live mine, but there will always be something that ties us together, and I'm grateful for that. It's this thing we call friendship.

02
"I was too young to see that you were always there for me." Thank you for everything you've done for me, everything you've given up and struggled over. I didn't appreciate it when I was younger but I hope that as I grow up, as I mature, I come to truly appreciate you the way I should. No matter what differences in our world perspectives, I am yours, and I love you. I will do everything I can to make you proud and happy. Thank you for wanting the best for me.

03
You take care of me and you make me laugh; I feel so comfortable with you. I feel like I can ask you for advice, talk to you about anything, joke with you about stupid things. You are truly the older sister I never had, but to have you now makes me feel incredibly lucky. I'm so glad that you're in my life, and I hope to be whatever you need me to be, in return. We can take on this life and make something positive out of it.

04
You, on the other hand, are the little sister I never had. I have a number of friends I care for and give advice to, but you somehow fill the role better than any of them. Sometimes I don't know what to do with you, and sometimes I don't know what advice I can give to help - but I will always listen, and I will always care. Thank you for trusting me enough to turn to me when you need someone. When you're down, remember that you're one of my most important people (perhaps surprisingly). I love you, so take care of yourself, okay?

05
We haven't talked as much this semester, but I understand what life is like. We drown in our respective academic careers, not usually by choice, but often enough because we share the same priorities and hopes. Know that I understand, so don't ever worry if time has lapsed into weeks before we catch up. Know, too, that if you want, I will cheerfully listen to anecdotes about your life, or complaints, or anything, because you're - I don't know quite what you are. Good friend, practically sister, someone I trust and admire and love deeply. Come see me this semester.

06
I don't know how exactly to define how I feel about you, except that you are definitely one of my closest friends. You may even be one of my best friends. I feel completely comfortable talking about my worst fears and ugliest insecurities, as well as what I want out of life. But I am also constantly stupid and silly around you too, joking and teasing and being ridiculous. I feel incredibly myself around you, which is not true of all my friendships. So...thanks for that, I guess. For being you. I hope you feel the same way, and I hope it lasts forever. :) Pretending to be something I'm not has never worked out well for me.

07
You're a combination of young and old for me, a combination of naivety that doesn't quite yet get it just because you haven't had the life experiences yet (but I don't mean this in a patronizing way at all, because I'm much the same - I know I'm sheltered and "innocent" in many respects to life at large) and the ability to understand the intricacies of human relationships. You have your priorities in order, I think. At least, the most important of them. They will guide your life, so I don't really worry about you. You will grow up and learn and be successful, because you know what's important. Also, I love you. I love talking to you and I miss that, but I understand. And it will be okay regardless, because we're us.

08
For all that I constantly talk about how much I dislike you, I know you have qualities I admire. I know people like you for a reason. Hell, I like you, and there are reasons for that too. I think you do know what's important in life, which I fiercely support. I think you care deeply about people, which is generally admirable, even if it occasionally causes you stress and unhappiness. I think you try (maybe not hard enough), but at least you try. Remember what's important and what's not; remember that you need to take time off and enjoy life (make memories), but remember that the priorities need to be put first. You know what you want in life, so get out there and work for it.

09
I love the way you make me laugh. I love the way you make me smile. I love your singing, your talent, your hard work. I love the way you're familiar and beautiful and a reminder of some of the best times of my life. I love you for showing me what some of the most important things in life are. Thank you.

10
I don't know how many times or how many ways I can say this, but you are incredible. You're one of the people I admire most in the world because of the way you live your life: you're so intelligent and observant. You narrate extremely well. You're thoughtful. You're creative. You can make something out of your life, and I will be glad to know you. I'm glad we're keeping in touch and I hope it will always be true; distance will never separate us, because I will make every effort to close those distances. You're another person I feel like I can tell everything, no matter how different we are (and we are quite different). I hope we will never lose this. I will not let us ever lose this. Now come back to me. :)

11
I don't know if we'll ever be best friends, but you know what? I like you a lot. I like spending time with you. I like joking with you and teasing each other. I think we share a lot of the same interests and values, and you're a lot of fun. There's no need for us to be BFF - we each have people in our lives who are incredibly important. I think it's okay for us to just be what we are: good friends.

12
I told you everything I thought, good and bad, for two years. You listened. You talked. I listened. This is something that establishes a firm friendship. It's harder this year, since I'm far away, but I do still care. I hope you realize that. I may not be enough, and I can't do everything, but I hope I can still do (be) something. And it is always, always awesome that you understand my unadulterated passion for UNC basketball. That is one thing we will always have, easy.

13
You and I have a lot of memories. We have a lot of history. We have a lot of firsts and a lot empty space between us, in terms of time and space. I don't think it changes the fact that we're important to each other though; I hope not. What I say here can apply to so many people, because it's true in all respects: we grow apart, we grow up, but we don't stop caring. I think that's the most important part. You have overcome so much - I admire you so deeply for it. In your place, I don't know what I would have done. I count myself lucky in so many ways, to not have to go through the same things you have, but also to know you and your strength. I love you and I'm proud of you. Thank you also for helping me through some of my more difficult times.

14
I love your smile. I love your style. I love your intelligence and humor and elitism. I love you for spending time with me, for letting me get to know you. I love you for giving me memories, for helping me as a writer, for developing my sense of humor, for giving me an opportunity to critique. We may never be best friends, but you'll always be a part of my life, an important part of shaping who I am now. Let's keep in touch.

friendship in an hourglass

I met J in 2003, early in the summer when I was 15 and just when she'd turned 13. When did she leave? Her family moved to Singapore either in 2004 or 2005...all the years blend together now, memories of when we were younger, when we were together and apart, freer, more tied up in shackles of our own mind, more naive, less knowledgable of all the mistakes we could make.

I've seen her a fair number of times since then, because for two years after she let, she'd visit each Christmas and each summer. Then there was a gap for a year and half when I didn't see her at all, until she visited this past summer. She's 18 now. I'm 20, 21. It feels like it's been so very long that I've known her, so long since we first made friends, so long since she's been halfway around the world. We've both grown and changed in so many ways that in sometimes I don't recognize her anymore, the little glimpses of her I get from our emails or Facebook or chats. Yet when I saw her in person in July, she was still so essentially her, everything I once knew, just grown up.

I wonder what I look like to her. I wonder what she thinks from what she knows of my life now. I'm not afraid of any judgment from her, not her, never her, but I wonder what she sees. I know I've changed a lot, even in just the past few months. College changed me dramatically from high school in certain ways, especially regarding my relationship with my parents. Law school has already changed me dramatically from college as well, in other ways, possibly the way I relate to other people, or the way I'm more comfortable with myself.

J's gone through so many things I can't even imagine. The world between the U.S. and Singapore are so different, from culture to school system to ease of international travel. There are some things I feel like we just can't empathize with each other about, even if we may sympathize. That doesn't detract from our friendship, no, but it's a matter of fact. She's been through a lot that I won't understand. I've probably been through a lot that she won't understand either.

This applies not just to J, though, who left early in our friendship for another part of the world, and who remains one of my most important people. This applies to anyone who's known me since I was in 8th grade, or earlier, or later. What do you see when you see me now? Maybe it's not where you imagined I'd be; maybe I'm not the person you thought I'd be, or that I thought I'd be. Maybe you don't understand.

And that's okay. It's not fair to think everyone will be able to understand how I ended up here, who I am, what I've done, become, accomplished, achieved, failed, lost.

All that I ask of you is to understand that maybe you can't understand. Accept that. Embrace that. (Love me anyway.)

I'll return the favor, because that's what friends do.