I've always known I could be jaded and cynical about some things, most particularly life and people and the stupidity that pervades in both, but I've never actually wanted to be a bad person. (Then again, who does?) I never thought I'd be a bad person.
These are the small ways in which I think law school's changed me, and I'm not sure I like it. Instead of making me smarter or transforming me into someone with an elevated ability for analysis, I've just become...a smaller person, empathetically.
You know, it does matter to me what people think of me. It doesn't define who I am, no, but it matters. I care about other people's opinions, especially when those people happen to be people I care about, and like. I don't like not being liked. I don't like being judged. I don't like feeling as if I am stripping myself of any respect I once had in someone else's esteem.
These could very well be my own anxieties and guilty conscience projecting onto others, but either way, I suppose it comes down to one thing:
I don't have to love everything about someone to like her, and whether or not I like her shouldn't affect the basic respect I have for her. So I should stop being a hypocrite and stop talking trash and stop being like a melodramatic high schooler. This is not the kind of person I'd respect. This is not the kind of person I'd like to be.
So...I'm sorry. And I'll say it again.
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