Today, I was at Starbucks studying CivPro because it was gorgeous outside and I wanted to get out of my cave of a room. Sunny days are my favorite; they make me crave comfortable seats near huge windows with lots of light, a good drink or snack, and usually some music or a book. It was windy today, which was an excuse to claim a table indoors. I have a final on Thurday, which was an excuse to do work instead of running around outside having a life. ...Excuse or obligation? Sometimes I think I like being productive more than running about - bt maybe that's a sign that I really need to lead a less sedentary lifestyle.
In any case, as I was sitting, going over my notes and sipping at my iced espresso, the lady sitting next to me accidentally knocks over her grande latte. It spills all over the floor, fortunately missing me or any other patron but making a mess: one of those tragic accidents of everyday life that aren't horrible enough to make you feel terrible, but just bad enough to make you cringe.
What struck me, however, was not her accident, but my first reaction. I instinctively glanced away, towards my notes, and determined that I was going to ignore it entirely and pretend it didn't affect me in the least. I was going to just read and get on with my life, and let this stranger get on with hers.
Five seconds later, I was totally appalled with myself. I took off my earphones, asked if she was okay, asked if she needed help, got up, offered my napkins and started wiping down a chair. She said, "Thank you" and "oh you don't have to" and then a barista took over with a mop. So I sat back down, still incredibly surprised and not entirely pleased with myself.
Why would my gut instinct be to ignore her? Why would I wish I could just pretend it didn't happen?
This reflects so poorly upon my character. And the saddest thing is that I didn't used to be this way. Before, my first instinct would have been to leap up and offer help. Lately, it's been to valiantly ignore everything as if didn't affect me. I could argue that I want to spare the person the embarrassment of having everyone stare, but what kind of poor excuse is that? People appreciate help. They're going to be embarrassed no matter what - and a kind word and helping hand goes much further in alleviating that.
I just...I'm disappointed in myself. This is, I think, a wake-up call to let me know that I'm really not as good of a person as I thought I was. And it's not okay.
It's okay to not be perfect, of course. It's okay to be selfish sometimes, naturally. It's okay to do the best you can for yourself. But you can't start rationalizing and justifying more and more things until you let yourself become completely self-absorbed and self-interested. You have to fight to maintain basic morals, ethics, and (I think) generosity of spirit. Be a decent human being. Be courteous and polite and helpful to the best of your abilities. Smile, say thank you, hold open that door. They're all little things, and they cost you so little, but they can go such a long way in improving the general atmosphere and brightening someone else's day. (I say this with experience after two and a half years working at Alpine - it was always the friendly, smiling, polite customers that made my day. Always. And sometimes just from so little.)
I joke around that the reason I can study in the courtyard, with lots of ambient (or even flat-out loud) noise, is because I'm self-absorbed and I can tune out other people's conversations (and, often, existences) to focus on me, and my work.
To some extent, that's true. To some extent, that's okay.
But I don't want to be so self-absorbed that I can't even bother to be a good person anymore just because it's not self-serving.
Hopefully this incident will remind me to make an active effort to be the kind of person I want to be.
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