It's not that I'm dissatisfied with life. It's really that I hate having uncertainties in my future, when they are unnecessary uncertainties - things that could be resolved and set aside. Plans, they should be made, and followed. I want things done and out of the way, not hanging up in the air, unresolved and waiting.
This is about China, about travel, about living. This is about school, about my class schedule, about where I will live next year and insignificant little details like that.
It's not so much that I'm dissatisfied with life as I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated by not having concrete things. Look, I'm a list-maker. I'm a fucking INFJ - the J part means that I like organization, compartmentalization, making lists and fucking checking them off. I'm unhappy with not being sure about things that should easily be made certain of. I'm unsure about enough of my life, I'd like to think I have control over other parts, like knowing what I will do.
Maybe no one else is like this. Maybe no one else gets this. That's even more frustrating, because everyone else is willing to just let life go as it pleases, and think I just stress out unnecessarily about little details. I'm sorry you don't understand and that you don't feel the same stress to get things done, aren't under the same compunction to get things settled, but this is me, okay? This is what I need. This is what makes me who I am. And I'm sorry if you end up frustrating me because you don't seem to care at all about achieving the same ends. I'm sorry I can't just "go with the flow".
At least the weather is better today. I am the opposite of a night owl - maybe I'm more of a heliocentric plant. I need daylight, sunlight, to energize me and make me feel like I can face life (uncertain as it may be).
It's the insidious restlessness that makes me unhappy with the world. Let me fix this. Let me make something happen.
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