[essay] on being chinese-american

I was told that I should write about what it means to be a Chinese-American. It’s a singular experience, shared in part but never entirely, by those who are also something else-American: Irish-American, Italian-American, Korean-American, or anything else. But what does it mean to be Chinese-American? For many people, it probably means living in an American society but being raised by Chinese parents. It means straddling two countries, two nationalities, two cultures, and more – essentially, it is about having two identities.

Or so people think.

I think differently.

It’s not as discrete as being split into two. You do not have two personalities, one that comes out at your American school and one that comes out at Chinese dinner parties, no matter how true that may feel. You are not like the sun and the moon, or like water and wine, or like black and white. Being Chinese-American is about being one person, you, and that encompasses everything you are into one entity. It is much closer to shades of gray.

You grow up listening to Chinese simply because your parents are; you grow up listening to English because that’s where you live and how you communicate with the world. You eat American food, Chinese food, Italian food, Japanese food; listen to American music, Korean music; watch American movies, Indian movies, French movies. Whatever you do, it’s multi-cultural and diverse, because that’s the kind of world we live in now. There is no line drawn within you separating these parts of you.

So whether or not you are fluent in Chinese, whether or not you know anything about Chinese history, it’s still a part of your heritage. For me, being Chinese-American means that I pay more attention to Sino-American politics because my parents pay more attention to them: I am more exposed to a different point of view. Being Chinese-American means that even though I listen to Japanese and Korean music, I understand Chinese music, because of who I am. Recently, I’ve been listening to hit Chinese songs from the 1980s and then discovering that my parents are familiar with the songs too. It’s unexpected but practical proof that I am not two separate entities, two separate identities, but only two halves of whole. Being Chinese-American is a combination of who I am and what I’m interested in, and a heritage that is part of me, no matter where I live or what I choose to like. My parents will always be Chinese, and China will always have a history and culture that defines a nation that I will in some way always belong to, even if I lived in Belgium and spoke French. I would be Chinese-Belgian then, but the defining adjective would still be “Chinese”.

Being Chinese-American means being raised with different expectations, not just from your parents, who expect good grades and for you to go to Chinese school, but also from society. People around you will expect you to speak Chinese or know kung-fu, if they are more ignorant, or for you to get straight As and play piano, if they are more familiar with the Chinese-American community. People will look at you and label you “Asian”, not “American”. Sometimes, it’s not flattering; sometimes, it’s not deliberate; oftentimes, it’s not cruel, but it is a fact. You learn to accept it and work with it: it’s a part of growing up.

Growing up entails a lot of acceptance – acceptance of who you are, where you’re from, what shapes your life, and how you will choose to live. Acceptance that your life is neither black nor white, but shades of gray.

One of my co-workers asked me the other day who I would cheer for if the U.S.A. and China competed against each other in the Olympics. Keep in mind that I’ve lived in the U.S. for eighteen of my twenty-one years, that I’m an American citizen, and that I speak English far more fluently than Mandarin. Keep in mind that I love America.

I smile at her as if she’s crazy. “I’m cheering for China, of course.”

Of course, because being Chinese-American means you never forget the part of you that defines what kind of American you are.

You are Chinese-American.

永远祝福中国。