welcome to your professional life

Done with the bar exam for better or for worse - at least I don't have to think about it anymore. Flew in to NYC last night - good to see Aunt Joan and Keith, kind of awkward that his kids are in the house too. It's okay; we'll probably mutually ignore each other for the most part. I'm around today but out on Friday and Saturday, and around Sunday, so it shouldn't be too bad.

Pretty much exhausted and don't really feel like talking to people, sadly including my typical go-tos like V and S and L and whatnot. Talked with random bar takers at the test site and at the airport - we commiserated. It's a bonding experience! Talked a bit to M and TT and D, hopefully whom I will all see on Friday, and TC too. May be out late with them Friday, so may not come back to Flushing if I can make it happen somehow. Closer to NJ from Manhattan, right? :/

Ummm, no, I really have nothing more to say. Terribly unmotivated. Once I get home, I'll begin the job-hunting and AGA research; right now I just feel tired and like I'm still waiting for my life to wake up and start.

The family friends I stayed with in Buffalo had a daughter named Leila, not quite two yet, who is positively adorable. A complete sweetheart. I've forgotten how much I've missed young kids and spending time with them. She's half and really pretty. Keith and Joan have a dog, Dominio, and two cats, Hope and Love. Love is a kitten still - tiny. They're pretty sweet too and good-natured. Not prone to temper or hyperactiveness. It' a good change from home; I needed a break from the norm.

Hopefully the day out with people tomorrow is good, and the day out with S too. I've missed seeing people.

海浪

I shudder when I look through archives of my old blogs and see the way I used to be so - young, I suppose, back in the day. Maybe I shouldn't blame myself for that, but it makes me wonder if I'll look back at how I am now in a few years and shudder still.

Apparently July is a tough month for me, generally speaking, over the years. This year, I'm worried my ~depression~ will interfere with my bar review - mostly in that it strips away the time I need to study with periods of listlessness/hopelessness/pointlessness. And other -esses.

Friendships always fuck me up more than any other type of relationship. Perhaps it is a sign I am not committed enough to those other relationships, or a sign that I am not yet ready for them. Somehow, I am not shocked. Sometimes (more often now) I wonder whether I even want that kind of relationship. What do I want? Ah, the essential question.

In happier news, I made garlic fried rice this morning and breakfast sausages. Cooking, like cleaning, makes me feel much more productive than studying ever will, since you reap the benefits of instant and visible results. Unfortunately, cooking and cleaning will probably not help me pass the bar...

with stable ground beneath your feet

G left today and while I'm sad she had to go because we actually had a really good time together, I'm also a bit relieved because I got nothing done for the bar while she was here. It was a trade-off I was willing to make (happy to make!) but it means I have to handle more stress and tighter deadlines now. I have to make up my sleep deficit and study deficit. It will be okay though - I am not exactly looking forward to it, but I am fairly equable about it.

Google+ looks quite shiny and lovely and better than FB, but I admit I am inclined to like Google products. I don't have the time to play around on it now though, and I really question whether I need yet another social forum in which to draw circles and define levels of interaction. My compartmentalizing skills may be capable of bearing the burden, but it gets weary all the same. Another thought to put off until after the bar. Everything is getting put off until after the bar!

I really wish I had more time to read books (alas) or exercise (hah) or research for AGA. I feel bad that I am not doing more. After tomorrow's simulated MBE, I'll shoot A an email. I pretty much won't be good at staying in touch for the next 3 weeks though. 3 weeks, oh god.

pathetic

You're like the fucking ex I never fucking had. The one who's ruined everything because I can't do anything without remembering how we used to hate this or like that or talk about whatever. Everything is tied up in memories of you that just piss me off because it's not fair that I have to reap the consequences of a break-up to a relationship that never actually existed. It's not fair you fucking forced that break-up, that you chose it. The best part is that none of this is probably affecting you because evidently it was an easy decision for you to just let me go. 你就这样放手了吗？有那么容易吗？我和你的关系就这样切了，是不是？You never made the first move as friends; obviously I can't expect you'll ever make the first move to apologize and reconcile, if you even are sorry, which at this point I highly doubt.

Well, congratulations. You have officially been the worst break-up and the only one the fuck me up this long afterwards, which is quite a feat considering we never dated.

操你妈，活该。

I fucking miss you. Do you care?

the logic that lies therein

Beach was mostly fun - a little stressful, but trips that require balancing of time/interests/personalities of different people who are not so much mutual friends but mutual acquaintances through one friend tend to be, but overall good. Sunny, sunny, sunny, hot and busy. People everywhere being bad drivers and dudebros on the beach (latter was great beyond measure; the former, not so much). Seafood for lunch and dinner was delicious! Sparklers in the parking lot was classy but celebratory.

Fun times! Tomorrow is for resting in and being anguished while watching tennis, then following it with soothing videos of hilarious things, like Eddie Izzard skits and various things on YT and potentially some quality time with T-Hard and Cpine. G's visit has been great so far with a particular emphasis on cpop/jpop/90s boy band nostalgia and lol oh god our love for Jay Chou. ♥