gonna live life 'til we're dead

S came down from Boston to visit this weekend. \o/ Picked her up at Union Station on Saturday morning and we had coffee/food and wandered the mall there a bit, then walked down to Chinatown in search of the promised coffee haven of glory and national-recognition-receiving baristas. What we found was the hipsterest of hipster coffeeshops, aptly named Chinatown Coffee. I will admit the cafe mocha I had was good, but I'm not sure it was worth how much I paid for it. Maybe I am just not cut out to be a hipster snob about coffee; my soul is too frugal.

We actually then ran into A and J and their friend, who were up from NC for the weekend and whom we were meeting for lunch anyway. A and S acquired bubble tea and then we traipsed a whole half a block (Chinatown, DC is all of one block) to Matchbox, the famed pizza place everyone and their mother says you must try. To be fair, the pizza was pretty darn good. I enjoyed that it was on a crust so thin as to almost be nonexistent because I hate unnecessary bread and Chicago deep dish is the stuff of my pizza nightmares. If I had nightmares about pizza, anyway; usually dreams involving food are good ones. And then sometimes I have dreams about going to Backstreet Boys fansignings, like I did last night, apropos of nothing, but I digress...

Post-lunch, S and I watched The Dark Knight Rises! I will not spoil, but suffice to say it's hard to sympathize with the main character when Christian Bale as Bruce Wayne elicits nothing so much as apathy from me, but everyone else was great! T-HARD was fantastic. Anne Hathaway was a lot of fun. JGL impressed me. Gary Oldman is always Gary Oldman, meaning excellent. Marion Cotillard was also great, though I was thinking "Inception reunion" the entire time. Michael Caine had a much briefer appearance than I expected, as did Morgan Freeman. But Tom Hardy! Did I mention Tom Hardy? Plot was questionable but entertaining, and the ending made me really happy. Because I am baised. :)

It was raining after so we ducked into a Starbucks, where I randomly came across J from Duke KDPhi Alphas. O: Unexpected pleasure! I did love the Alphas and J has always been great. So S and I sat with her and her friend and we chatted and caught up a bit. She's living in Rockville and going to law school in NYC in the fall, and I extended all my dubious congrats and well-wishing and preemptive sympathies.

Quick dinner and then S and I headed up to V apartment for her housewarming/housecooling, though with the rain, it was cool enough. So I suppose that counts as mission accomplished! We met her other fannish friends, had lots of food and drinks, talked fandom and generally had a terribly good time. We played Cards Against Humanity, which is like Apples to Apples but for terrible people. The cards were more in line of "War! What is it good for?" Submissions included "Team building exercises" and "Genghis Khan". The winning card: "Inappropriately timed Holocaust jokes."

My last drink had too much vodka in it, which I was not sober enough to realize, so I actually ended my night sort of miserable and throwing up in V's bathroom. Oops. I thought I'd put those poor life decisions behind me in law school, but apparently this whole growing up and making smart decisions things is something I still need to work on. S and V were both great though. Soooo grateful for knowing awesome people. V actually let us crash at hers for the night, so I got to do a walk of shame the next morning, except my shame was mostly at my poor drinking decisions and not a one-night stand, but I suppose in the end all walks of shame = shame for poor life decisions.

On the bright side, I wasn't particularly hungover because I'd gotten most of the alcohol out of me the night before! Still, I realized too much greasy food was not good when I went to brunch and only managed to eat half my Eggs Michael (like Eggs Benedict but with sausage patties instead of Canadian bacon) before feeling a bit queasy. I had my coffee instead. But I did survive and spent the afternoon watching Running Man episodes with S - until she dozed off into a nap. Naps trump everything, though; fair enough!

We grabbed some really great Thai food (including tom yum soup and mango-sticky rice dessert!) before I sent her off to the metro so she could get back to Union Station and catch her bus back up to Boston. Then I went home, cleaned, and passed out because, meh, life.

Apparently I am just in that state of mind where I am like meh, everything. The tired apathy is strong with me this week. Stuff I need to do: so much car stuff. Effort it requires: a whole of a damn lot.

Anyway, going to make my to-do lists so I can make sure I'm not forgetting anything and feel satisfied when I get to check things off. Thing I should add to this list: eat.

visual consumption

Sometimes I go on Tumblr and look at pictures of all the places I want to visit - which is, really, the entire world. And then I sigh. I also look at The Art of Animation and make starry eyes because art. It's all beautiful to me, whatever style. Strangely, it's always music where I have the lowest aesthetic for. Oh I love it; I just have no objective standards for it. I miss words though.

if poetry could describe the way you made me feel...

A Softer World straddles "pretentious" and "unsettlingly incisive" for me. There are strips less wistful and more sardonic that also apply, but I try to not dwell on my cynicism; the world provides me enough of that on a daily basis.

Sometimes I reread old entries and wonder if I've grown at all, when all my issues - my fears and worries - are still the same. Other times I reread those entries and am profoundly thankful for where I am today and the people who got me here.

Friendship is a funny thing. Every friendship is shaped a little differently, even if echoes of similarity ring through them; every interpersonal relationship is different, after all, rooted at the bottom from two separate people. Some friendships require constant care, though not always the most tender consideration each and every time. Other friendships can pass quietly in the background, faded from immediate occupation of your consciousness, but reemerge as strong as ever when you reach for it.

Some friendships die without the proper care or attention, if you haven't figured them out what they require and how - if - you can give it.

Friendships change, too. New ones and old ones. I don't know how to tell which ones fall naturally into the kind where you talk frequently and share everything and which ones are the kind where you talk infrequently but always with feeling. Always with feeling. Everything with feeling. That's how we do things 'round here. I got a whole bunch of feelings, y'all.

Hope is the worst thing, that treacherous feeling left in Pandora's box, and yet where would we be without it? Grimly stoic, perhaps. Resigned to our fates, for better or for worse.

Hope is a flower I don't know whether I should guard and water and raise, or one I should secret away where no one can see it wither, should I be disappointed.

I'm not a risk-taker but sometimes I want to take risks. I don't know what I'm doing and it's going against every comfortable, familiar instinct I have. My radars are broken and I have no guide.

What do I have but hope? It's too late. I've already planted that seed, built that tree house in the sky. Let's reach for the clouds.

Also: happy fourth of July.

more pages to this book than the cover

I have always wished I were brave enough to be everything I admire in others.

The other part of me wonders how long is long enough to show that there is more to me - enough of me, in all that I am and am not - worth getting to know better.

Happy LNY

I hope the Giants win again! Not because I particularly care for them, but because I hate the Patriots with persistence. (Not even persistent passion the way I hate Duke - I often forget to hate them until someone reminds me they exist, but once I am reminded, grr those Patriots.)

Nishikori upset over Tsonga! I haven't managed yet to watch any of the Australian Open what with the time difference and my lack of cable TV, but I'm keeping up to date with scores and hoping to catch some matches once we get out of the rounds into the quarter/semi/finals. The women's side is a mess of surprises as usual, whereas the men's has kept fairly predictable. I think Nole, Rafa, and Feds have all swept through their rounds without dropping a set. No, wait, Nole dropped one to Hewitt in this last match. Oh god, the draw - if Rafa beats Berdych and Federer beats Del Potro tomorrow, they meet up in the semis and the winner is likely to face Nole. Nail-biting, always. Vamos Rafa, always.

In other sports news, Liverpool makes me cringe with despair, as ever, but you'll never walk alone, etc. etc. Team of my heart, stop making me bleed misery, please? Though this season is a marked improvement on last season, thank you!

UNC is holding fairly steady and I'm pretty happy there, aside from the FSU loss (let's not talk about it). Keep calm and carry on, Carolina! I visited campus on Saturday to see G, on exchange from NUS to UNC exactly a year after my exchange to NUS. She brought me kaya jam! Delight in my mouth - I had kaya toast for breakfast this morning and it's not the same as Ya Kun, of course, but it's the closest I'll get to Singapore in a long time. I can't believe it's been nearly four years since I graduated from UNC; it still looks the same in so many ways. It is the same in many ways. It's strange to see memory and reality overlapping, I guess.

Nothing more this time around: Happy Lunar New Year! It's the year of the dragon, which means...that I turn a quarter of a century old this year. Frightening prospect! Possibly the world will end also, which is always an option I'm up for. (Or perhaps only the internet will end, and that is close enough to the end of the world to be depressing.)

is it the beginning of the end where we stand?

If ever I once knew, I've since forgotten what poetry is like. Sometimes the lines write themselves in my head but perpetually they refuse to crystalize into any form more tangible. They prefer the amorphous, uncaptured state that leaves me dreaming but ultimately unsatisfied.

It's 2012 and either the world will end, or we will be forced to keep on living. Is it so horrid a prospect? There is much to live for, I discovered last year, if I can see past the blinders of depression. The sun (so says Annie) will come out tomorrow.

Here is our brand new year full of brand new opportunities. It is much like last year, say the cynics. Nothing will change, except foolish optimists will once again find their views tempered by reality. You are yourself and you won't ever be anyone else - and that's true, isn't it? You can never be anything more or anything less than yourself. But perhaps we can change the borders with which we define ourselves.

My past few years have been emotional roller coasters, but predictable ones: I know I will go up; I know I will come down. The past couple months, on the other hand, have held strangely steady. I can't help but be afraid of the inevitable change, the other shoe dropping, because happiness is too lofty, too rarefied, a goal - I don't believe I can achieve it or, if I do, hold onto it. If I am happy now, it must be fleeting.

I suppose it is something like the poetry that floats through my head at times.

Yet I am tentatively hopeful that I can write again this year, that I will; I am tentatively hopeful I can live, and be happy, and that somehow the new year will in fact herald new beginnings. I will ultimately be always myself, but maybe this year, my self can find, reach, keep happiness.

It's not a terrible thing to wish.

It is a far better thing to make it so.

pining for shoes

So tempted to buy shoes today. Or a Nook. See, Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals work because the sales are so great you feel like you're losing out if you don't take advantage of them, which causes you to spend money you might not have otherwise. Money you maybe don't have to spend at the moment...

I'll just debate with myself over these shoes all day. They would go with half my wardrobe. Those are some pretty versatile shoes for $50 + shipping, even if they are 4.5 inch heels.

spiced apple cider on my mind

Today was freezing but gorgeous. Despite the cold, rainy morning, the sun came out in the afternoon and really highlighted all the gorgeous red leaves that came into being after this cold snap. Fall might be edging spring out as my favorite season.

Sometimes I miss Singapore terribly, but I have to admit that I'd miss fall - the weather, the fashion, the warm delicious food memories associated with it (pumpkin spice, hot cocoa, roasted nuts, apple cider). It wouldn't be the same in an equatorial environment.

In between the same old same old tedium that is job applications, I have found myself reading more, following more TV shows, and attempting to be wrangle this whole adult life in small increments. Stress stays with me and manifests itself in poor sleep and unfortunate dreams, but I try to balance it out with coffee, good food, and excellent friends. And, you know, all the other distractions that live on the internet.

I bought some brie, fig preserves, and crackers today. Bliss in my mouth. I hope M can manage a visit next weekend; I'd love to feed her and take her back to UNC, where we can revisit our misspent youth, reminisce about the good times, and bemoan how old we are. (I like to see her miserable, what can I say?)

I baked cookies today and plan for a sweet potato casserole on Monday. I don't mind a life driven by food plans; those are the best kinds. Just like everyone knows travel plans should always be made in accordance with food priorities.

As for Snowtober - everything is a sign of the imminent apocalypse to me, but particularly the unexpected weather pitfalls.

people and things

Mark Salling is from Texas. And, unexpectedly, really into ornithology.

C was right: They do make 'em hotter in Texas. Tall, buff, and ridiculously appealing, or so goes the pattern of TV actors (whose shows I hate) I've crushed on.

In other news, I baked lemon bars last night and I am quite happy with them: they are tart and sweet and buttery. Never substitute margarine for butter when you bake; it's not worth the sacrifice of taste! In any case, if I'm stress baking sweets, we can assume I no longer have "healthy eating" as one of my top concerns.

Next up is raspberry thumbprint cookies, which require even more butter, and those amazing Pillsbury cookies that are seasonally-themed with little pictures on them. They are the plainest things, but they are unbelievably tasty. And easy. I am gaining weight just thinking about them, honestly. This is why I need to live around friends: so I can foist off baked goods on them and not eat everything on my own.

My plan for the night is to do something fun: catch up on last week's episode of Hawaii Five-0, read this Discworld book while plotting to acquire the newest (Snuff, out in 4 days!), or, you know, eat some lemon bars and look at pictures of Mark Salling being hot (all of them) while bemoaning to myself how much I really hate his show (a lot).

I hate my hair, and other metaphors

"I hate my hair!" I told M.

"...why?"

"It's a metaphor for my life," I said, tongue-in-cheek. "And, well, also I have split ends and need a trim."

The thing is: my hair totally is a metaphor for my life. Let me explain.

It's getting long and straggly; I am getting old and fraying at the edges. Whatever style it used to have, it has grown out of and I have no idea what the hell it's doing now except growing longer; I have no idea what I'm doing with my life but am stumbling forward without a plan all the same because, well, objects in motions tend to stay in motion. My hair is like an object in motion. Metaphorically!

The red from the dye has long faded and is now a dirty, diseased brown color with roots growing out on top. There are three options: 1) let it grow out bi-colored; 2) re-dye the entire thing a color that doesn't make my skin look ridiculously sallow; or 3) re-dye the entire thing black so the roots can grow out in peace and secret.

The issues with options 2 and 3, however, mostly revolve around cost. Dyeing is not generally a cheap venture; even with Asian stylists who don't charge an arm and leg like salons do, it's upward of $60+. (And that was my great St. Louis deal! I miss you, David from Hong Kong. He gave me custom color jobs.)

The metaphor here: the little luxuries in life have to be put on the back-burner when one is jobless and only dreaming of a steady income. Don't spend what you don't have; hell, don't spend what you have, at least not on things you can afford to live without. It's practical, logical, reasonable - and it's depressing, isn't it?

I don't love a lot about my body but my hair came closest to being my vanity. I joked around in high school of doing shampoo commercials when I grew up. I had strong, healthy, shiny, soft hair. I could scrub shampoo through it and make orgasmic noises with the best of them! My future back-up plan was set.

It's superficial (so superficial, I know) but I look at my hair these days and say, only half-joking, "I hate my hair." I wouldn't go so far to say it's painful, but it's certainly disappointing.

I suppose I really mean, I am dissatisfied with something I used to take vain pride in and am frustrated that it was pointless and that there doesn't seem to be any way for me to fix that at the moment.

Like I said: I have split ends and I need a trim.

I remember you as you were in the last autumn

Last night, I made beef stew from scratch! Well, in all honesty, it was more a hybrid between traditional (Western) beef stew (no tomatoes, though) and (Asian) beef noodle soup. Spicy and delicious! I am pleased, though I still think my mom's version is better. Must learn her secret...

Painted my nails yesterday, too, painstakingly attempting stripes - slow work and painfully difficult with tape. One day I will just acquire the proper tools - brushes and pens and whatnot. For now, I repainted them all blue in Zoya Yummy and they're kind of boring and not particularly autumn-themed, but they will suffice.

Also caught up with this season's HIMYM and H50, which continues to make me lol re: plot. Just--everything. /eyeroll People are still hot, though, so I'm good with watching. Needs more Kono and, oh god, fewer white people though. So many white guest stars, why. I do like the new governor though!

Had dinner Thursday with P & R up in Chapel Hill and that was nice; catching up with people in general is nice, even if as we slowly grow older it becomes less of a "daily contact" thing and more of a "once a month" thing.

Not too many updates on the job-hunting front, but I am seriously looking at apartments in DC now. So there's that. Terrifying in its way, but necessary, I think.

I like for you to be still - Pablo Neruda

I like for you to be still: it is as though you were absent,
and you hear me from far away and my voice does not touch you.
It seems as hough your eyes had flown away
and it seems that a kiss had sealed your mouth.

Me gustas cuando callas porque estás como ausente,
y me oyes desde lejos, y mi voz no te toca.
Parece que los ojos se te hubieran volado
y parece que un beso te cerrara la boca.

As all things are filled with my soul
you emerge from the things, filled with my soul.
You are like my soul, a butterfly of dream,
and you are like the word Melancholy.

Como todas las cosas están llenas de mi alma
emerges de las coasas, llena del alma mía.
Mariposa de sueño, te pareces a mi alma,
y te pareces a la palabra melancolía.

I like for you to be still, and you seem far away.
It sounds as though you were lamenting, a butterfly cooing like a dove.
And you hear me from far away, and my vvoice does not reach you:
Let me come to be still in your silence.

Me gustas cuando callas y estás como distante.
Y estás como quejándote, mariposa en arrullo.
Y me oyes desde lejos, y mi voz no te alcanza:
Déjame que me calle con el silencia tuyo.

And let me talk to you with your silence
that is bright as a lamp, simple as a ring.
You are like the night, with its stillness and constellations.
Your silence is that of a star, as remote and candid.

Déjame que te hable también con tu silencio
claro como una lámpara, simple como un anillo.
Eres como la noche, callada y constelada.
Tu silencio es de estrella, tan lejano y sencillo.

I like for you to be still: it is as though you were absent,
distant and full of sorrow as though you had died.
One word then, one smile, is enough.
And I am happy, happy that it's not true.

Me gustas cuando callas poraue estás como ausente
Distante y dolorosa como si hubieras muerto.
Una palabra entonces, una sonrisa bastan.
Y estoy alegre, alegre de que no sea cierto.

september heralds books, scones, and tv shows

I was sick but now I am mostly better! I still have to face the hard facts though: I am a terrible blogger. These days, I'm too easily distracted by everything. (Perhaps it is early onset Alzheimer's here, because mentally I'm 60 and preparing for my predicted death next year.) (What a terrible joke. Pterry, I'm sorry.)

Speaking of good Sir Pterry, a new Discworld book is due out this October! And it's a mystery-based Vimes book! I am particularly thrilled since I've been rereading Discworld and mysteries lately (Christie & Conan Doyle).

Other things I've done lately is bake! Orange-zested scones and banana nut bread on my own, and contributed to out-of-season zong zi and in-season moon cakes. There are pictures, but I am lazy.

Along with reading and baking, the watching of TV shows: I watched all of this summer's Top Chef Masters but have not yet gotten to Top Chef Desserts. I started watching the Korean variety show Running Man, which is hysterically funny. Strange, but addicting. Wiki gives a brief synopsis of it, but it sounds much weirder and more boring than the actual show is. Of course I started watching it after hearing the hype and because there were idols I was interested in guesting in a few episodes; from there on, though, you really start appreciating the main cast, too. So much!

It's a bit unsettling that it's the first September since, uh, I was five or six that I haven't been in school. Hearing about other people starting classes and returning to the uni schedule is really strange when I continue to sit at home. I wish I could say it felt freeing, but without a job, mostly it feels unanchored and terrifying. I am good with routine, don't you know? I like schedules and lists and things to do. I hate this uncertainty that is my future. I hate that it's another reminder that my RL is here and so far I am sucking at it. I have such big dreams of when I have a job and will be able to live in an apartment again - the cooking and cleaning and decorating I'd do!

...alas, reality intrudes. I'll try not to dwell on it too long though, and just focus on the job hunt. With some time in between for reading and baking and watching shows, of course.

adventures in job-hunting

Job-hunting now, post-bar, so I may still not be around much, unless I am trying to escape from the depressing tedium to bemoan the fact that I still feel unqualified for everything.

(1) Jobs that require you to tell them your salary requirements. What. I don't know! However much you want to pay me so I can eke out a living? A million dollars a year? What is a reasonable request, how much does it affect whether they'll give you the job, oh god too much stress.

(2) I've forgotten how to write cover letters. D: It's essentially a talk up of all your skills and experiences to make you sound like the pinnacle of perfection that everyone is desperate to have! ...which sadly does not explain why you are currently jobless, huh. (No, really, I feel so artificial every time I have to embellish my accomplishments with grandiose prose. It's been beat into me to Be Humble. And, anyway, anyone with Asian parents in the U.S. probably grew up hearing about how Everyone Else's Kid Is So Much Better Than You.) So...how crass it to just write HIRE ME HIRE ME HIRE ME I'LL DO ANYTHING and then sign it?

(3) Do you think it makes a significant difference if I apply to DC jobs with a local address or an NC address? The government refuses to pay relocation costs flat-out, so I feel like they shouldn't discriminate based on location. /contemplates

(4) Senator jobs! Republicans offer to pay. Democrats apparently want you to subsist off the glory of serving alone. Now the question becomes: what morals are you not willing to compromise for the sake of gold, gold, gold an income?

(5) The only legal jobs in Singapore require 2+ years of prior experience. The only legal jobs in Hong Kong are for corporate/funds/banking lawyers. The only legal jobs in China are for Chinese attorneys fluent in Mandarin. There are no legal jobs in Taiwan. Well - fine! I didn't like you either! (Not that I could've honestly expected to get anywhere without guanxi.)

(6) Why doesn't your job site support Chrome?! /grumbles and breaks out the never-used Firefox

(7) There are people who advertise lawyer positions on Craigslist? Like, actual firms? I am seriously eyeing all of them with suspicion. Don't you, like, have a website for that? Or...approximately 100 different job websites?

(8) The eternal Catch-22 question of how do I get a job when every job requires experience and no job wants to hire me and give me some experience?

Sad story from post-bar: while I was in NY, there was an episode of Law and Order or a Lifetime movie or something on TV where a suspect gets questioned in a room by the investigating officers who arrested him. They then step out, mentioning something about the suspect's attorney. Mei's first thought: OH NO, THAT IS SO ILLEGAL, YOU CAN'T QUESTION A SUSPECT WITHOUT HIS COUNSEL PRESENT IF YOU KNOW HE HAS COUNSEL FOR THAT MATTER NOOO. Someone then tried to argue with me about how Miranda rights required explicit invocation now and that mere silence was not enough. I only gave him a Look and thought, layman, you don't think I know that? Because this is not a violation of his Miranda rights, this is a violation of NY's indelible right to counsel, guaranteed by NY's 6th Amendment, which offers even greater protection than the U.S. 5th Amendment. I know because I just took a two-day test on it..

And then I was promptly horrified by myself. Don't be one of those unbearably smug lawyer types, Mei!

Cheers, though. Everyone says the bar exam is the most law you'll ever know - I will now commence slowly (quickly?) forgetting everything!

welcome to your professional life

Done with the bar exam for better or for worse - at least I don't have to think about it anymore. Flew in to NYC last night - good to see Aunt Joan and Keith, kind of awkward that his kids are in the house too. It's okay; we'll probably mutually ignore each other for the most part. I'm around today but out on Friday and Saturday, and around Sunday, so it shouldn't be too bad.

Pretty much exhausted and don't really feel like talking to people, sadly including my typical go-tos like V and S and L and whatnot. Talked with random bar takers at the test site and at the airport - we commiserated. It's a bonding experience! Talked a bit to M and TT and D, hopefully whom I will all see on Friday, and TC too. May be out late with them Friday, so may not come back to Flushing if I can make it happen somehow. Closer to NJ from Manhattan, right? :/

Ummm, no, I really have nothing more to say. Terribly unmotivated. Once I get home, I'll begin the job-hunting and AGA research; right now I just feel tired and like I'm still waiting for my life to wake up and start.

The family friends I stayed with in Buffalo had a daughter named Leila, not quite two yet, who is positively adorable. A complete sweetheart. I've forgotten how much I've missed young kids and spending time with them. She's half and really pretty. Keith and Joan have a dog, Dominio, and two cats, Hope and Love. Love is a kitten still - tiny. They're pretty sweet too and good-natured. Not prone to temper or hyperactiveness. It' a good change from home; I needed a break from the norm.

Hopefully the day out with people tomorrow is good, and the day out with S too. I've missed seeing people.

海浪

I shudder when I look through archives of my old blogs and see the way I used to be so - young, I suppose, back in the day. Maybe I shouldn't blame myself for that, but it makes me wonder if I'll look back at how I am now in a few years and shudder still.

Apparently July is a tough month for me, generally speaking, over the years. This year, I'm worried my ~depression~ will interfere with my bar review - mostly in that it strips away the time I need to study with periods of listlessness/hopelessness/pointlessness. And other -esses.

Friendships always fuck me up more than any other type of relationship. Perhaps it is a sign I am not committed enough to those other relationships, or a sign that I am not yet ready for them. Somehow, I am not shocked. Sometimes (more often now) I wonder whether I even want that kind of relationship. What do I want? Ah, the essential question.

In happier news, I made garlic fried rice this morning and breakfast sausages. Cooking, like cleaning, makes me feel much more productive than studying ever will, since you reap the benefits of instant and visible results. Unfortunately, cooking and cleaning will probably not help me pass the bar...

with stable ground beneath your feet

G left today and while I'm sad she had to go because we actually had a really good time together, I'm also a bit relieved because I got nothing done for the bar while she was here. It was a trade-off I was willing to make (happy to make!) but it means I have to handle more stress and tighter deadlines now. I have to make up my sleep deficit and study deficit. It will be okay though - I am not exactly looking forward to it, but I am fairly equable about it.

Google+ looks quite shiny and lovely and better than FB, but I admit I am inclined to like Google products. I don't have the time to play around on it now though, and I really question whether I need yet another social forum in which to draw circles and define levels of interaction. My compartmentalizing skills may be capable of bearing the burden, but it gets weary all the same. Another thought to put off until after the bar. Everything is getting put off until after the bar!

I really wish I had more time to read books (alas) or exercise (hah) or research for AGA. I feel bad that I am not doing more. After tomorrow's simulated MBE, I'll shoot A an email. I pretty much won't be good at staying in touch for the next 3 weeks though. 3 weeks, oh god.

pathetic

You're like the fucking ex I never fucking had. The one who's ruined everything because I can't do anything without remembering how we used to hate this or like that or talk about whatever. Everything is tied up in memories of you that just piss me off because it's not fair that I have to reap the consequences of a break-up to a relationship that never actually existed. It's not fair you fucking forced that break-up, that you chose it. The best part is that none of this is probably affecting you because evidently it was an easy decision for you to just let me go. 你就这样放手了吗？有那么容易吗？我和你的关系就这样切了，是不是？You never made the first move as friends; obviously I can't expect you'll ever make the first move to apologize and reconcile, if you even are sorry, which at this point I highly doubt.

Well, congratulations. You have officially been the worst break-up and the only one the fuck me up this long afterwards, which is quite a feat considering we never dated.

操你妈，活该。

I fucking miss you. Do you care?

the logic that lies therein

Beach was mostly fun - a little stressful, but trips that require balancing of time/interests/personalities of different people who are not so much mutual friends but mutual acquaintances through one friend tend to be, but overall good. Sunny, sunny, sunny, hot and busy. People everywhere being bad drivers and dudebros on the beach (latter was great beyond measure; the former, not so much). Seafood for lunch and dinner was delicious! Sparklers in the parking lot was classy but celebratory.

Fun times! Tomorrow is for resting in and being anguished while watching tennis, then following it with soothing videos of hilarious things, like Eddie Izzard skits and various things on YT and potentially some quality time with T-Hard and Cpine. G's visit has been great so far with a particular emphasis on cpop/jpop/90s boy band nostalgia and lol oh god our love for Jay Chou. ♥

time, could you give me more of yours?

Sports:
Federer lost to Tsonga from two sets up! Murray, Nole, and Rafa into the semis at Wimbledon though. I'm sorry for all of the UK who have their hopes pinned on Murray but, dude, I will never pull for him to beat Rafa. At least I can root for Djokovic - knowing he will attain that World No. 1 spot either within a few days or a few weeks. Way to go, Nole. :) You've worked hard and you deserve it. (But my heart first to Rafa, simepre.) Good luck tomorrow!

Bar:
Wills is a mix of all right and terrible. It all makes me want to cry a bit though. Essay and practice MBE next week, and a long holiday weekend during which I will not have much time or heart to review or study. Oh I should though, I should.

Procrastination:
Finished at last my Agatha Christie novel and the first Chrestomanci Chronicles volume - the two books I've been working through very slowly in the past few weeks between bar review and other procrastination. I also have all these movies I have no attention span to watch - maybe I'll finally watch X-Men: First Class or Thor or something when G is here. I could get her to watch STXI with me. We'll see! She gets her tomorrow night and that should be fun. ♥


Oh dear god, it's the last day of June.