what comes with growing older

This morning, I had to tell my dad that his dad was dying.

My grandpa's been sick for a while - in fact, my dad just returned from China where he was visiting his parents and brothers - but now my grandpa's on his deathbed (I don't know if he's passed yet), and my cousin Skyped me to let me know. He asked that I let my dad know so he could call home. So I called my dad at work.

I was never close with my paternal grandparents, a product of having grown up in a different country and visiting far too infrequently. I feel bad that I never knew them better - but mostly I am upset because my dad is clearly upset (and I have rarely seen him upset this way), because it's his father, because it means one day I'll be in that position and it's terrifying.

My mom lost her father when I was 9, but I don't think I was old enough then to really understand.

hello, miranda

I feel a bit behind in my bar studying - not significantly, but enough to be a little stressed. In reality, I'm probably doing better than a good portion of the other people studying for the bar by staying mostly (mostly) on schedule, but I keep feeling like I need dedicate even more time to it. I am so bad at commitment, even just to studying.

The CrimLaw/CrimPro lectures are much more enjoyable than the Contracts lecture, at least.

I've also been doing a lot of news-reading while in lecture, so. That's been good and bad. I have Opinions on the news - both the actual content and the trend of the media in selecting and presenting that news - but I should probably focus on the lecture and lecture notes at hand.

these defects in your lecture are not latent

You must distinguish "acceptance of the goods" from "acceptance of offer". REALLY?! Because if you're discussing goods, then you already have a contract. That is why my (pause) framework (pause) or methodology (pause) is helpful. OH MY GOD.

OH MY GOD CTRL+SHIFT+G DOESN'T EVEN WORK ANYMORE, FML.

Before I tear my hair out in frustration. Professor K, at this point in my life, I miss you so fucking much.

後悔しない人生

I can't seem to find an exclamation of surprise that doesn't involve curse words or what comes off as insincere triteness - oh dear, heavens, my word, it seems as though I have been playing deftly into the role of self-victimizing Eeyore of late. If "of late" translates into the last twenty years of my life or so.

It doesn't matter if I feel resentful at times, of friends not living up to my (high, oft-silent) expectations; it doesn't matter if I feel like I am no one's best friend, closest confidante. What matters is that I do love the friends I have and I want them in my life and that not being someone's "best friend" doesn't mean they don't want me in their life.

There are many kinds of maturity. I should start subscribing to the kind that demands manifestation through action.

I don't subscribe to tenets of Taoism - it's too anti-intellectualism, for one - but it lays some good foundations. I should stop fighting the flow of the world. I should stop tearing myself up over it. I should stop acting like I'm owed anything beyond what comes to me. If I can't be optimistic, I should at least cease being so willfully pessimistic, and try for peace. Yes, zen is a concept associated more with Buddhism, but I'm not seeking anything beyond what this life offers.

I told my mom once, "生命只有这一个". We only have this one life. She corrected it to "生命只有这一次". We only live this one time. The distinction is, perhaps, subtle. My view saw life as a whole entity, a gift, to be used and not be wasted. Her view saw it was a journey and an experience not to be wasted. To squander it would be a tragedy to yourself in either case, but maybe the question is whether you are living the way you do because you feel obliged (not to waste your life) or because you find it freeing (to live and to learn).

人生无悔。Life without regret. Maybe it doesn't mean you need to do more (spontaneous road trips, dinner parties, love recklessly) or do less (stupid things, drama, having feelings). Maybe it means you just need to stop regretting the things that happen in your life, both good and bad. Maybe, and yes it's trite, they all do happen for a reason - that is, as the composition of what makes your life yours, and unique, and an experience.

生命只有这一次。

Hm. I feel like there's a bit of a disconnect from the beginning of the post to the end. I think I talked myself around from "be less stupid" to "hey, stupidity happens in life, it's okay". There's no harm in trying for both, right?

greatest common factor

Took the day off bar studying and that was - all right. I had a good time at A's Clue party in the evening, but looking back, I think I wish I would've studied. Can you parse that sentence? In any case, there's nothing I can do now - sleep and bar study all day tomorrow, I suppose, though I may need to make a pit stop at the library.

I have a lot of feelings right now and most of them are unpleasant, so I don't think I'll record them here for posterity, because there's venting in private and then there's being hurtfully passive-aggressive in a blog post. One thing I can say, I think, is that I am pretty pissed at people who are willing to sacrifice their friendships for their relationships. I don't mean that you should be placing either one higher on the hierarchy or that sacrifices don't need to made - I understand that things change and it's not a competition. But when you are displacing your friendships entirely, purposefully or not, for your relationship, I think that's bullshit. I don't think I've done that in the past - but then again, maybe there's a reason I'm no longer in those relationships. Maybe I have been doing it wrong all along, for not being more willing to commit more to those relationships. If it turns out that you really do have to sacrifice your friendships for your relationship-- I can't even finish that hypo, it's clearly so wrong.

I suppose if our friendship was so weak as to be so easily and carelessly sacrificed, there wasn't much to it in the first place. Or you just didn't care as much as I did. Either way, I'm sorry.

I'm hurt and I'm angry, and I'm sorry.

I'm not targeting anyone or singling anyone out because the best part is that friends trading me in for their relationships has happened in more than one situation so... They say when you're the greatest common factor in all your failed relationships, the problem is probably with you. Yo.

So it's not you, it's me. That means I get to make a whiny blog post about it, right?

sound of distress

Oh bar studying. D: So much D:.

Oh MPT, why. Why. I can't remember the last time I wrote a memo, persuasive or otherwise - even for moot court I was writing briefs and at least I had more than 90 minutes to do so.

The MPT "measures fundamental lawyering skills, namely: legal analysis and reasoning, fact analysis, fact gathering, problem solving, and recognizing and resolving ethical dilemmas".

Whoever said I had these skills lied. Wait, would that be me? No wonder I wouldn't recognize an ethical dilemma if it walked up and offered to buy me a drink.

D:

I could use a drink, though.

with an arm-flap of celebration

Watched USA v. Spain yesterday with J: Let's just say, USA, that your defense was so terrible (read: nonexistent) that even Torres managed to score. That's like a whole new level of failure. Granted, his hair was terrible, so it only made sense that some of his scoring ability has returned.

It was kind of embarrassing for the US, wasn't it? To put it mildly. To be fair, Spain = world champions and the US was missing some top key players (read: Donovan), alongside starting none of their WC squad and using terrified and inexperienced high schoolers instead. Or maybe that's just what it looked like.

Spain's away kits were indeed quite sharp (thanks, commentators, for your "oh god no actual football is being played, what can we talk about aside from the weather and the Barcelona-Madrid rivalry that is surely, surely rending apart the Spanish National Team with dissent from within" commentary) and oh Pepe Villa Silva Sergio Pique Iniesta Busquets Xabiiii Iker-- ♥

Nando, Nando, Nando. What will I do with you? I suppose I will love you in reality but troll your ass because it's fun. Jerk. You've ruined my favorite Liverpool song.


Oh and so much happiness for Li Na being the first Asian woman (and Asian-born-in-Asia) to win a Grand Slam singles title at the French Open today. :D Awesome. Now, however - vamos Rafa!

hello, sweet june

The good news is that I'm pretty much sticking to my summer schedule. The bad news is that since my schedule pretty much consists of "eat, drive, class, study, drive, eat, study, sleep", it's not like I'm doing much. As class intensity has picked up this week, I've lost most of my time for cooking and reading for fun, to say nothing of exercise, which is always more of a theoretical concept for me. I exercise my mind!

For instance, sometimes lecture is so boring/slow/covering things I already know, I end up copying Chinese lyrics by hand into my notebook in an effort to improve my writing abilities. Today, I also made a list of Chinese songs I can actually sing during karaoke - all of which are almost entirely due to SJM covers. See? SJM totally furthers my education.

What is writing? What is socializing? We'll see if I can have at least one day per weekend to indulge in some of these rumored leisure activities.

For instance, this weekend: French Open final Saturday morning, USA v Spain friendly Saturday afternoon, and at least one of these two will be watched in J's company, hopefully.

I need to find the time to do actual research for AGA too. More hours in a day, I need them. Public library, for god's sake, have longer weekend hours.

Man, I hate long commutes. Rush hour traffic can please go fuck itself.