I have crises of confidence sometimes. I wonder if people look at me and underestimate me because I'm small and short. I wonder if people see me act cute and silly (and hear me whine) and think less of me. I wonder if they find out about my passion for cheesy Asian pop music and dismiss me as flighty, frivolous, young.
I think that's part of why I work so hard sometimes, to prove them wrong. (Another large part is for my parents, naturally, but you've heard that one before.) Of course, this could be my paranoia speaking; there could be no "them" to look down on me--and even if there were, they shouldn't matter. I shouldn't worry so much about the opinions of people who don't know me, since "those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind", after all.
Still, a part of me takes pride in being able to tell people that I'm a double major with a minor, that I'm graduating a year early, that I'm going to law school. Somehow, it makes me feel like I'm proving their assumptions wrong, that despite what they think, I have accomplishments I can take pride in. It should be the case anyway, I know. I can be proud of myself without having to prove myself to anyone. But this is how I am: I validate myself according to others. (I really shouldn't.)
I'm a paradox. I want to be both cute and endearing as well as respected and admired. I want to be doted on while at the same time being treated as an independent, capable, accomplished adult. I like to be hugged and cooed over, to be teased affectionately, but I want to wow people at the same time. I look with envy at the girls who walk around in their peacoats and matching outfits (scarves, gloves, hats), and their clicking heels (boots or otherwise). I want to be able to be perfectly put-together like that, all the time--to look professional and feminine and like I can handle anything that comes at me. Part of me wonders if they sacrifice comfort for fashion, but another part of me thinks it might be worth it. Then another part of me thinks that I only think that way because I'm insecure about myself--body, height, personality, accomplishments--and I feel like the only way to assert myself as a female adult is to dress like one. Honestly, if I had confidence, I wouldn't worry so much about appearances because I would trust the world to be able to tell exactly how much I was capable of.
But I don't know how much I'm capable of. I wonder if it (everything) is enough. I wonder if I will be treated like a child for the rest of my life. I can't help feeling that way when I'm reaffirmed in my fears every time I go home--outside of my parents, who are excused for treating me like a child (in some ways), every adult I've known since I was in eighth grade will forever treat me as if I'm still in middle school or (possibly) high school. I will forever be young, naive, inexperienced--and perhaps in comparison to them I am but it's an oppressive feeling to be treated as if you are eternally in eighth grade.
I'm not sure how to resolve this contradiction in my needs, but at least I can tell you that no matter my childishness (it's interesting how that word has negative connotations whereas "childlike" conveys something much more positive), I am not a child. I may still be growing up, but I am also grown up.
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