I play mom and older sister and sempai to a whole host of people in real life and in fandom. I like it. I love these people and I love helping them and supporting them and giving (hopefully good) advice in any way I can--but sometimes I wish I had a 姐姐 or a 哥哥 to lean on. I suppose I know a fair number of people older than me through fandom, but we aren't close enough for me to rely on them. And, in real life, I don't have many people/friends who are older than me. Maybe it's my faulty psyche--I want to lean on someone and for them to give me advice, but I'm not capable of being that kind of dependent person. I have enough trouble telling people when I'm seriously upset... It's a paradox: I want to have someone to support and guide me, and yet I feel incapable of burdening people with my woes and seeking advice.
I know I'm strong. I strive to be. But sometimes all I want to cry and lean on someone else. I just don't know if I'm capable of taking your hand if you offer it.
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