sometimes being an INFJ is hard, when no one gets you

I keep thinking it must be nice to be like J...friends with everyone. Enough time to be friends with everyone; enough energy to make the effort, and easy-going enough to make it uncomplicated. I don't know what changed this year - maybe it's just that I'm so busy, so I never have the energy. Maybe it's just that I'm not Korean enough to hang out with the Koreans, or Chinese enough to hang out with the LLMs, or nice enough to hang out with the people I thought were my friends.

Well, it'd be unfair to say they were no longer friends...but it's like there's this expectation that I'm nice and friendly and will make the effort and take the initiative like I did last year. Why is there this expectation? I do want to be nice and friendly and all that, but...it feels so much harder this year. It feels like there are complications left and right, and imminent drama I never wanted and am valiantly doing my best to ignore. It feels like I'm losing people because we're all so busy, we all have our own small groups and our own directions...

And it feels like I'm losing people because I'm not as nice and friendly and outgoing as I was last year. Which seems unfair to me. I can't be perfect; I can't be positive all the time. I wish I could be. I wish I had more energy, or that I didn't feel like I was trying and getting nowhere; I wish I could stay happy and energetic in the face of that but - but I'm human, and I get discouraged when I feel like I try and get nowhere. Maybe I am trying less than I did last year. Maybe I am just tired. Can you fault me for that?

It feels like I'm the only one expected to make an effort; that if I fail, it's my fault. But friendships are a two-way thing, aren't they? I can't make new friends if they aren't receptive. I can't keep friendships if they don't make an effort to maintain them too.

I guess...I wish I were a better person. I wish I had more positive energy, that I was still nice and likable and all that. I wish I had a purpose in life.

I hate feeling like I'm losing people. I hate feeling like I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

Little joys, I still have them, but where is my big picture?