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I have been feeling distressingly restless these past few days - I don't want a relationship because I know that I am not emotionally ready for that, but I want some physical action, dammit. I want to be part of one of those obnoxious tipsy couples making out in the backseat of someone's car while said someone is longsuffering and driving people around. I want to commit some annoying PDA and get glared at. I want some attention, directed solely at me, and I want some touch.

It's hard to feel so young sometimes, like I have never known what the world offers. It's hard to feel so old sometimes, like I've let slip past all my opportunities.

too tentative to commit to the words

This is the summer and future unrolled before us in a wide expanse of the unknown. It feels like an ending. Everything is changing.

(It feels like a beginning.)

does it feel like stagnation?

Back in STL, tired all the time, and seeking to put off RL as much as I can. I met with my work supervisor this afternoon and that went well - most of my projects/assignments I can do from home with occasional meetings. I'll also have plenty of time to look for a paying part-time job but god knows if there are any of those left. I'll have to keep hunting though. Will be moving my stuff slowly but surely over to my summer residence - first I have to clean up all the junk I've accumulated here. Throwing out a bunch of crap first makes the rest of the moving easier, right? I think I still need to get some boxes and packing tape though, and then bug some guys to help me with my furniture eventually.

I've been feeling entirely antisocial recently and I'm not sure for the cause of it. Did get to see A and J one last time before I left NC so that was fun (♥) but when I'll next see them again, I have no idea.

Apparently the Wonder Girls are coming to St. Louis though. I had no idea but apparently I'm going. :) Should be fun.

Hopefully things will pick up once I've gotten my stuff moved and settled for the summer. Mostly, though, I am tired.

shut up and listen to me

A:

A lot of straight men are uncomfortable with the idea of homosexuality or finding themselves in a situation where they need to check everything a gay man tells them for sexual innuendo. God knows why but it creeps them out. That said, most of these men will not go out of their way to beat up homosexuals in shady alleys, you know? This shit is not black and white. Yes, bigoted comments are douchey, but raging at the kid about homophobia will not solve anything. Hell, in my experience, raging at any straight male who finds homosexuality "weird", "creepy", "sick" or something in-between will only send them into a defensive rage, and then there you are, snarling at each other like animals. I'm sure there has to be a solution, but I'm also sure it does not involve "beating sense" into anyone, literally or figuratively.

Me:

I definitely agree it's a kneejerk kind of reaction from my straight male friends too, and also this: "It's sad, it's a fucking shame, but that's how it is."

But I don't think that makes it okay, even if that's how it is.

Passive homophobia, to me, is still homophobia. Even if they aren't going out to beat people up or try to make gay people feel discriminated against or vulnerable, their reaction still enforces the fact that homophobia is not the norm, and not acceptable. Their values will be passed on to their kids, to other people they know and associate with. It's not just about "that one gay friend they have that they're okay with", it's about an entire institution of homophobia and bigotry and prejudice that they're helping reinforce.

Is it okay for someone to burn a cross on someone's lawn as long as they don't hurt them physically? Is it okay to make homophobic jokes as long as you don't call someone a faggot to his face?

I don't think so. Obviously, not everyone agrees with me but... I don't think it's okay to be homophobic or racist or sexist as long as you are less homophobic or racist or sexist as someone else.

That all said, I do agree with your conclusion that "beating sense" into anyone is not really going to...work. As fondly as some people might dream of that.

A:

I saw a lot of comments which basically dismiss the relevance of social pressure and the knee-jerk, conditioned response of most heterosexual men at the mere mention of male homosexuality, and I just can't agree with that. My brother would probably act all weirded out around a gay person and possibly try to avoid them, but he would never, ever hurt them intentionally, be it in a verbal or physical way. It's sad, it's a fucking shame, but that's how it is. If we can't accept first that acceptance doesn't come to everyone naturally, then how can we call ourselves more accepting than them? :|

M:

If we can't accept first that acceptance doesn't come to everyone naturally, then how can we call ourselves more accepting than them?

This is very true. It's actually pretty hypocritical, to not accept the unaccepting for being unaccepting. But that said, if the target is the comment, then I don't see a problem. [...]

Me:

I sort of violently disagree with this statement: It's actually pretty hypocritical, to not accept the unaccepting for being unaccepting.

Why should I be accepting of a racist or a bigot? Why should I have to? "Oh, sorry, I understand you're raised that way, you can't help the fact that you're a homophobe or that you hate all black people or that you think women are naturally inferior to men. Sorry, I should respect your views as a an unaccepting bigot because you can't help being that way."

No.

I don't think it's hypocritical not to be accepting of bigots. That implies that there is no objective truth, that it all depends, that they might be right and their opinions should be given weight. I don't think they're right. I think they're wrong. And I don't want to accept their views.

C:

I like your reply, because that's the truth, plain and simple. To accept them is to give them the idea that their way of thinking is just as justifiable and proper as yours. And it gives them support to continue that way.

M:

It isn't to say that you need to be accepting of racism or bigotry, but I guess to be accepting of the fact that they are not always the ones who control their own viewpoint. I very much believe that we are shaped by the environment we grow up in. Of course we can change, of course there are some things we should realize when they slap us right in the face, but not everybody goes through the same experiences and some mindsets are more difficult to change than others.

That implies that there is no objective truth, that it all depends, that they might be right and their opinions should be given weight. I don't think they're right. I think they're wrong. And I don't want to accept their views.

[...]

For me, reaction can be just as important as the original action. I think it's much more beneficial for the relationship of both sides to say, "I understand you live in a society that thinks this, but why don't you reanalyze what you're saying and look at it from this point of view, instead." It's only when anyone adamantly refuses to even consider other options that I basically stop accepting them into my life, along with their opinions.

Me:

Maybe it's just semantics then, because the sentence "If we can't accept first that acceptance doesn't come to everyone naturally, then how can we call ourselves more accepting than them?" says to me very clearly that we should be accepting of the unaccepting or we will be hypocrites.

Yes, we should try to understand the context they exist in. Yes, society and environment is a huge factor. I'm not proposing that we all hate all homophobes forever (if I did, I would be hating my own family forever). I'm saying that while context is definitely important if we are trying to reach out to these people and help them understand, we should not accept their viewpoints as legitimate even if we know "where they're coming from". Because that means we're giving validity to the idea that gays are something to be feared, or whatever.

...in the end, I think we're actually agreeing on the point that we should acknowledge and recognize why they believe certain things. Mostly.

Then I start to question: why do we have to be so understanding and accepting and trying so damn fucking hard to educate ignorant people when they are the ones in the wrong? I shouldn't have to teach the privileged bigots why they're wrong.

listen up: fuck you

Can we talk about victim-blaming and how very much Not Okay I am with it? Can we talk about how entirely shocking, depressing, and horrifying it is to realize that some of my closest friends participate in it? Can we talk about the fact that I do want to educate them about the problems associated with it, but sometimes I can't even talk to them about the subject without wanting to tear my hair out and scream about their just world fallacy?

Let me make this clear: VICTIM BLAMING IS NOT OKAY. And if you try to do that to my face, I will be furious.

ETA: How appropriate that I find this post (on how marginalized groups are often thrust into teaching roles and how they should not be obligated to educate others who should be educating themselves) the day after I post?

this world we leave behind us

Happy Mother's Day! I'm flying home to NC today so I will be able to greet my mom personally.

This morning, I packed up my winter clothes to take back to Raleigh and leave there; I'll be home at least a week before driving back. There are tentative plans to hang out with A and J (maybe V too?). I'd like to go to the beach while I'm at home, appreciate it while it's close, because Missouri is out in the middle of nowhere. Not sure yet if I'll be going with friends or family - my mom's going to be busy this week, but we'll see about the weekend.

Theres a lot to do after I get back to MO, too, but there's not too much I can do about that right now. My aunt invited me to visit New York sometime this summer, which would be nice. If I can get a part-time job and make some money, I would like to do that - meet up with S too and let her drag me over to NJ for an amazing Korean food experience. Best I can do considering my lack of ability to go to Asia this summer. I also dream of the day I can meet up with M again... :(

As for now, I'm crazy into a weird mix of music right now: old non-single SJ songs, Adam Lambert, and Steve Carlson and Jason Mann featuring Jensen. Damn, Jensen.

I really have nothing else to say. I should finish packing up my electronics, I guess, then eat some food before heading off to the airport.