不能做普通朋友

we can't be friends anymore if you're going to ignore how much what you're doing hurts me.

you can call that selfish, if you'd like.

i call it self-preservation.

you mean so much to me, but not enough for me to do this to myself. or allow you to do this to me.

why can't i even see you trying?

inner beauty is overrated

People who demand to be your best friend forever after knowing you for less than a week are presumptuous and ridiculous. Even if they aren't completely serious in their words, their actions are proving otherwise, because there is a certain type of insidiousness in how they are clinging to you and demanding your attention. It screams look at me! look at me! love me, love me, make me your most important!.

It's disgusting and a little pathetic, and I'm personally offended that you either 1) can't see it, or 2) are allowing it anyway, especially in the face of the fact that it upsets me. Doesn't it count at all that we've known each other longer and are really rather close to each other? Is it wrong of me to expect you to value our friendship a little more than whatever you might have with this other person?

Is it wrong of me to expect you to, if not understand where I'm coming from, at least care enough to reach out to me and try to make it better?

who says people act in their own self-interest

So I'm a little bit masochistic when I come back from a great night full of good food and people who make me laugh and hilarious, amazing Pictionary games set to hardcore stadium music like Queen - and immediately go online and find the one thing (and one person) who is guaranteed to make me sick to my stomach with misery and insecurity and jealousy.

I wonder why that is.

breathe it in and let it out

my life is so much nicer when i don't go online. my life is so much nicer when i don't care about fandom. :) law school people always make me smile and make me feel welcome. they make me laugh. they also make me want a boyfriend. everyone's attached - married or engaged or in a serious relationship. it's strange being single; we're definitely in the minority if we are. i want someone.

i think i'm happy. i think i am.

sometimes it's better not to think at all. just feel and live and breathe.

and sleep.

make something of your world. take it as it is. sometimes the choice isn't in your hands, and it's okay.

law school application - personal statement

I groaned in agony and disappointment at 7:30 PM Sunday, September 9, 2007. My roommate watched me pitch a pillow across our living room and understood my sentiments completely. Why was I upset? Roger Federer had just won the 2007 US Open, defeating world ranked #3 Novak Djokovic, who had been my favorite throughout the tournament. It was almost incredible to remember that, only a month ago, I had been wholly ignorant of professional tennis.

A close friend introduced me to her favorite sport in late July; within a month I had learned not only the rules and regulations of the game, but also the names and records of the top players in the world. I followed the US Open avidly, calling faults along with the referee, critiquing the techniques of the players, and even grudgingly giving credit where credit was due when it came to Roger Federer’s skills. I was fully engaged in (watching) the sport.

Since I relocated to the USA from China at three years old, my life has been an open channel for diversity and new experiences. What began as a juggling act of two separate cultures grew into a passion for learning about the multi-cultural world. I have learned to keep an open mind; I am willing to embrace tennis as easily as I am willing to embrace the traditional customs of my Vietnamese friends. I am as interested in the philosophy and lives of the ancient Greeks as I am interested in the modern-day hi-tech culture of contemporary Japan. This interest carried over into one of my favorite and most memorable experiences—volunteering for the past four of five years at the International Festival in Raleigh. The festival celebrates countries from across the globe, showcasing their unique dances, crafts, and food in a lively, brightly-colored weekend. Every time I participate in the festival, I am reminded how ethnically rich the world is. This proves true in more than just cultural differences, but in legal, political, and social differences as well. One of the primary reasons I am pursuing International Law is I’m interested in topics such as the differing systems of intellectual property rights employed by the American vs. Asian entertainment industries, the careful balance of capitalism and so-called Communism in Chinese politics, and how issues like these affect not only the global political, economic, and social environment but also how they effect more local consequences upon the Asian-American community in the U.S. I hope to explore these issues further in law school, which currently represents a whole new world of experiences for me, including challenges to overcome.

One such challenge I faced in college was exemplified in my summer Philosophy course called Ethics of Peace, War, and Defense. A large part of my final grade was class participation, which was especially encouraged to raise discussion and debate. I found myself struggling to find the right words because I felt that many of my classmates (some of whom were Philosophy majors and old hands at moral debate) were far more eloquent than I and could make more persuasive arguments in their favor. Yet I had opinions I wanted to share, despite my uneasy feelings of inadequacy: I spoke to the professor and made an appointment to see him outside of class, determined to have my say. It turned out to be one of the smartest decisions I have made in my college career: I was able to work up confidence in expressing myself one-on-one, which eventually carried over into the classroom by the end of the course. I had conquered a personal weakness and turned it into a beneficial learning experience.

I will never tire of new experiences, of encountering new challenges to the way I live my life or the beliefs I hold. The chance to learn something new and to pursue it with passion makes my life richer, and I welcome that. I believe this outlook will benefit me greatly in both law school and the legal profession: my ability to turn my experiences into an opportunity to improve myself, to expand the horizons of my knowledge, will allow me to make the most of every challenge I face, for law school is sure provide many. I will employ my passion and my intellect wholly, and look forward to all the future brings—even those occasions where Federer wins.

rewriting your path

I don't know what you want from me when you come to me with all these unsaid words and unvoiced expectations. I don't know what I can do for you. I think I want to try, but it's so hard when I don't know where to start, when I'm groping blindly in the dark for a handhold or a foothold or the right words. There is no magic phrase to make it all better for you, or for me.

It shouldn't always come back to me, always revolve around me, let me tell you about me, me, me. I don't want to be self-centered, but this is the only way I know how to relate, to empathize. Sympathize? I should know the right words, but I don't.

Did you know that even though I cry over sad things, it's the hopeful things that make me cry harder? When a failing relationship has a chance for redemption, I cry. When a miserable situation sees a sliver of hope, I cry. When broken dreams become stitched whole again, or when something lost is found again, I cry and I cry, because it's so hard to believe in the beauty of lovehopefaith like that, but I want to. And I want something like that. I want the new beginning, the bittersweet second meeting, the last chance gone well at last. Maybe it means I'm still a romantic at heart.

I don't know what I can do for you. Are you like me? Do you understand me? Do we need be on the same level? Do I need to know myself before I can help you?

reconstructing this dream of identity

i'm not the type of girl who goes out and parties for fun. i'm not social enough. i'm not comfortable enough in my own skin. i'm not the type of girl who's the center of attention, who's aggressive or assertive, or the one who leads while everyone else follows.

i'm not the type of girl who turns heads, whether by looks or by wit. i don't like confrontations and i don't like to speak up just to draw attention to myself. i'm not the type of girl who has her pick of the boys, or even the type that has adults eating out of her hand by virtue of her capable efficiency. i'm not a good public speaker who can easily put anyone at ease. i'm not loud or reckless or daring.

i'm not the type of girl who likes to take risks or challenge the status quo. i'm not fierce or passionate or the type to leave that kind of lasting impression. i don't have a unique perspective on life, serene and at peace with being different from the world, knowing i am myself and that is enough.

i strive to fit in, to find a place to belong, to carve my niche and grow comfortable there. i just want to be able to smile and laugh and be happy enough. i don't need euphoria. i take what i can get. i don't demand more of the world. i just want to get by, to be secure, to do the best i can and provide the best i can for my parents and my children and my future. i am quiet and i prefer to stay in the background. i like to have friends and i like to be liked, but i am soft and easily persuaded. i am embarrassed and shamed, sometimes, but who i am and what i like, and shy away from making stances or speaking out. but i try to like who i am, and i try to be someone at least i can be happy with.

i'm not made to be a main character type of girl. maybe most people aren't. i think i'm okay with this.

i just need to stop dreaming about a prince charming if i'm not a cinderella.