I never know when it's okay to be sad and let people know so they can help me feel better, and when I think I should just be strong and not let people know. Or at least let them know they don't need to hold my hand because I can handle it.
The thing is, I'm not strong enough to handle it on my own. And I wish it were okay to ask for help, but I always feel like someone is judging me, wondering why I'm so needy or so dependent or so weak.
Sometimes I wish people would approach me first and just make it okay for me to fall apart on them. I wish people would be willing to hold me even if I was pretending to be strong. I wish I didn't feel like I was falling apart in the first place, but I wish people wouldn't take the easy way out and just believe me when I say I'm fine. It's not that I want them to doubt me all the time, or to think I'm not capable, but when you don't even make an effort to reach out when you know I'm going through a hard time - it doesn't matter if you have the words - then it hurts even more. I guess you don't care?
Is it unfair of me to want this? Maybe I should just be okay with approaching people first and crying at them...but it's so hard. I've done it before, and I feel like they just wish I would get over myself ("why is she always falling apart?" "why is she always so emo?"). I'm afraid to encroach on your personal space, to direct your attention to myself, to want or need things from you.
Maybe, in essence, it comes down to the fact that I don't know if you need me too. So I'm afraid to need you.
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