hindsight is 20/20

Tonight I went and looked over my xanga. I haven't posted there in over two years - my last post was in June 2006. My close friends, too, have abandoned it as a blog for the same two or three years. It's strange to see the person I was then - to be honest, I'm not quite sure I'm proud of who I was. I'm not sure I liked who I was. I wonder if, in two or three years, I'll look back again and sigh over the person I am now. I hope not. I'd like to think I've grown up in college, and in law school. Perhaps I haven't, not as much as I would've liked to - but what can I do about it?

I want to be happy. I'm pretty sure no one enjoys being emo - overwrought and insecure and unhappy. I'm pretty sure no one enjoys doubting and fearing and worrying over who they are, or what their future will be. I want to come to terms with the person I am, but I want to constantly seek improvement, too. I want to change for the better; I want to remember to try - and do it. I may not succeed in everything I do, but I want to try.

A said she'd never have children - but she was barely in high school when she said it. She's changed her mind; she says to me now, when I bring up the past, "Please don't hold me to what I said back then, jeez. I was still a kid. I didn't know what I was talking about." It's true, isn't it? We learn as we grow - about life and about ourselves (who we are, what we want).

J was not as worldly then as she was now. She hadn't yet gotten into tennis or fútbol. She was still so young, yet still so mature, and she hadn't yet done any of the immense growing up and into a person I like and love and feel like I don't quite know. I miss her in so many ways.

S is pretty much still the same - still passionate about life, about her friends and sports and her faith. She seems to take the best out of all her experiences, seems to realize that "these are the best days of my life" and makes the most out of them. I envy her a little, the way she lives and loves, almost effortlessly and with such pleasure.

The other S I've lost and I regret that. I don't miss her anymore, though. It might have been for the best, that things turn out this way. I wonder if I should try to mend things, or if there's anything left to mend. It wouldn't hurt to say "hi, I hope you're well", would it?

E, I've known for so long, and how we've changed. For better or for worse, we are different from who we were three years ago - still, though, we are the same people we have always been. We will always feel too much, and worry too much, and care so much. Life has put us in different circumstances, and we've grown to perhaps value different things, but you are still you, and I'm still me, and I think we will always have that in common.

These people have been so important to me. I hope not to lose them in the future. M, L, I will cling to them. They've fought for me (in their own ways) and I will fight for them too. Other M, R, I've put through a lot, but they're still there. That means a lot.

Now I have a new host of friends, letters, people to hold close. T, other T, L, other J, another S - from different parts of my life, they've impacted me this year, and probably for my future.

I hope I grow into someone I like, not just now, but in two or three years looking back.

carolina priceless gem, receive all praises thine

You just finished sending out your college applications and you've already heard back from some places -- you're a finalist for the Morehead scholarship at UNC. That's awesome -- fantastic! Except, of course, you really, really doesn't want to go there.

I wouldn't mind that so much (or really, at all) except that when you talk about how much you don't want to go to UNC, you say it with such...contempt and disgust. I know you can do better. You really want to go to better universities in bigger cities, and with all you've done in your international school, you can probably get in.

There's just something about the way you talk about UNC vs. the other schools that sort of rubs me the wrong way (e.g., NYU is your first choice because it's in "hello, NEW YORK," like NYC is the end all and be all of places to live). Part of it may be that I feel patronized, like you think that I wasn't smart enough to go elsewhere or that I was stupid for choosing to go to UNC, in North Carolina of all places! I admit I have my big-city love (Beijing ♥, Seoul ♥), but I've realized since I moved to St. Louis that NC is actually home for me now, despite all the moving around I did as a kid, and that I love NC.

I love North Carolina, and it really isn't all that horrific a place to live.

You lived here for a good few years too - but I guess you never had the same love for it, since you moved and spent your high school years in S, a very modern city with all the big-city conveniences. I'm sure that's why you're prone to like big cities like NYC. Which is fine. I can understand that. I just wish you didn't treat going to UNC as a last-ditch, absolutely worst-case ew-how-will-I-be-able-to-stand-it option. It's not that bad. Everyone I know who goes there, or went there, loves it.

It ranks pretty high among the national universities; among the public universities, it's in the top five. For value, it's number one. It has the number one basketball team in the country; has a great journalism school and very respectable business and law schools. Its medical school and dental school rank pretty high too. It has a beautiful campus and some great professors, including Nobel Prize winners. It's diverse and active and surrounded by a artsy, interesting, liberal town. Franklin Street will always be legendary. There may not be as many big-city opportunities in Chapel Hill as there would be in New York or DC, but it's the definitive college town experience. Would that be so awful to experience after high school in a big city and a most likely post-graduation job in a big city? Try some diversity on for taste.

Even if it's not for you, could you at least try not to talk about it like you'd die if you had to go? Show a little respect for those of us who went there and loved it.

I will always be glad I went to UNC, no matter where I am now or where I will end up.

So please. 别太小看它.

getting to know me

Everyone who knows me well should know the two things that define and shape me as a person, that guide me through my life:

(1) My culture and heritage. I'm Chinese, and it matters. I'm proud of that. No matter how much I love and admire the U.S., no matter how interested I am in Korean or Japanese culture, my family and my roots are in China. It will always--taste like, sound like, feel like--be home.

(2) My family. I want to make my parents proud, and to take care of them when they're older. I always wish I could do more. They've raised me to believe I can always work harder, do better, be more. It can be discouraging at times, but I want to be the best daughter and sister that I can be.

I'd like to think people who know me know this about me; that they acknowledge it, recognize it, appreciate it. I'd like to think they respect me for it.

This is who I am. These are two unchangeable parts of who I am, integral and eternal.

it's all about the here and now

Today, my brother turned 12. I called him and wished him a happy birthday. My mom told me she'd bought the ingredients to make me one of my favorite meals when I got home. ♥ I love my family. It will be good to go home. Living in St. Louis and going to law school here has probably been the longest I've been from home; around four months now that I haven't seen my family. I've been okay and not unhappily homesick, but there have been occasions where I've missed the familiarity of family, and it will be nice to go back.

Today, I finished my first semester as a law student. Property was not as disastrous as it could've been, for which I'm grateful. We'll see how my grades turn out, but at this point, I'm just ecstatic to be done. There's still a lot I need to do over break in terms of applying to jobs and working on my writing sample, but I'll still have time to do relaxing things. And at least I won't have to worry about classes or exams for the next two weeks.

Today, I had dinner with some incredibly lovely and fantastic (my favorite!) people as an early celebration of L's birthday. I love them all and I'm so happy to have found them here in STL. I'm especially grateful to L for what she's been to me - close friend, older sister, almost mother at times. She is definitely one to remember. I wish I knew what to get her for her birthday that could even begin to indicate how thankful I am for her and how much I appreciate her.

Today, I have cleaned! It is incredibly de-stressing and a great way to feel accomplished. You see immediate results and you feel as though your hard work were justified, rewarding, and worthwhile. All good stuff.

Today, I'm happy. :)

can you cry on cue?

Some things that have made me want to cry tonight:

My dad is so proud of me. He does it the Asian parent way: always comparing you to someone else's kid, always saying you could've done this or that better - at least to your face. As soon as you're gone, he's bragging about you to everyone he knows. My mom has mentioned this to me twice now, and it breaks my heart, because I'm happy that he can be proud of me, that I've given him something to brag about. But I also feel like I don't deserve it and that I should be working so much harder to achieve so much more than I have.

My brother suffers in part from my not being around because all he gets from my parents is the typical "do better, try harder, fix this, why are you like this, everyone else is better" lectures from my parents, and on top of that, also gets to hear my dad sing my praises to other people. He feels unloved, unappreciated. I wish I knew how to tell him how smart he is. He is much smarter than I was at that age. (I was better with people though; he ought to work on his social skills.) He has a lot to be proud of - it's just a matter of learning to understand and deal with Chinese parents. They're proud of him too.

I miss my mom's cooking, as cliché as that is.

M emailed me with a picture of her new hair in China. I miss her. It feels like it's been so long since I've seen her properly. I don't want to grow apart, but sometimes I feel like I don't deserve her. I'm too frivolous.

T is a really sweet, really understanding boyfriend. I don't know what I've done to deserve him.

Other M, shut up. The things you've said, I already know, and they're the last things I need to hear. You just come off supercilious and sort of patronizing. It's aggravating in the worst way, because I've never judged you that way. Please don't do it to me.

I feel like shit, physically. I hope I don't get sick.

is it fear that drives us?

I could take this time to complain about law school again, and how I feel completely unprepared for my exams, but why reiterate the same old same old? I should take on a more positive, proactive attitude. I can handle this. I will take my exams and do well on them.

Or just, you know, get the median. Whatever. At this point, it's hard to keep upbeat and hopeful about the entire ordeal. At this point, I just want a job.

The hardest thing is that my parents will only ever see and care about the grades. It will always be about rank.

I'm trying to do Christmas cards to cheerful (sometimes Christmas) music in an effort to keep my spirits up, but I'm not entirely sure it's working. I'm not sure when the holidays have lost their spark for me this year. I blame law school, honestly; it's sapped me of joy, creativity, energy, etc.

It would have been better to have been a science major coming into law school. They're better at step-by-step logical analysis and have the advantage in the IP field. Sometimes I feel like everything I've done in my life is pretty much worthless.

Oh wait, there I go, being negative and pessimistic again...

I have to keep fighting. Keep trying. A part of me knows I can do this. I can take my exams and pass them, get a job for the summer, come back for another 2.5 semesters, get a secure job. I know I can. I will have a future.

But it wars with the other part of me that says not good enough and points out how much easier it would be to just give up.

I won't give in though. It has less to do with my strength or my courage or my determination, perseverance, or ability to overcome obstacles.

When it comes down to it, I keep going because I'm too afraid to stop and to fail. To have nothing and be nothing.

So let's keep fighting.



Didn't I used to have more cheerful entries? It's hard to tell at this point.

try harder

True fact: I have never before felt so inadequate in my entire life.