The saddest things are always the most beautiful. Han Ming hums the song her mother used to sing about two lovers that could never be together in life, and died never knowing what might have been. She thinks it’s a tragic story, a beautiful one.
***
“No,” she says. “We can’t. I can’t.”
There are a thousand unspoken words behind her eyes, dark and desperate, like lines of poetry Jinho never learned, incomprehensible and so very Chinese. Jinho doesn’t understand.
“Don’t you want to be with me?”
Han Ming tears her gaze away, fists clenching at her sides. “I can’t abandon my family like that, Jinho,” she says, and the words are choked, underlined with unhappiness. “I have responsibilities. You can’t ask that of me.”
What she means is that Jinho is not as important. What she means is that here, even in war-torn China, Ming will not leave with Jinho for safer, peaceful Korea. She doesn’t love Jinho more than her haggard, starving family, or her ravaged country. She will not trade the dusty and blood-stained roads or the gray-brown forests or the muddy rivers of China for greener, fresher hopes.
Jinho doesn’t understand and Ming knows it.
“But don’t you love me?” he asks, and that’s when Ming walks away, eyes stinging.
That is not the question to ask – that is not a question at all. But there are duties that must come before selfish desires.
***
They met on the day Han Ming watched the neighboring village disappear in flames, dirty black smoke curling into the gray sky like a cruel smear of charcoal. She was on the road halfway between home and a village that no longer existed except in charred timber and hastily-buried dead. There was no time for proper funerals when the army was so close, heralded by the terrifying fires that burned as warning.
A river of people carrying everything they could on their backs stumbled down this road, seeking safety, shelter. Ming watched them, anger and grief high in her throat, choking her and leaving her feeling restless, helpless.
Someone stumbled into her, clawed at her arm, fell to the ground—
He was hoarse with thirst, and his words were accented.
My name is Jing He, he said, because the army hunted down foreigners and murdered them in cold blood.
***
“Don’t leave,” Jinho says desperately, grabbing at Han Ming’s hand, when he really means Leave. Leave with me.
Ming stills but she doesn’t turn around. Her fingers curl around Jinho’s briefly, perhaps for the last time. “It’s not a choice,” she murmurs, voice soft but steady, so carefully steady. She’s not to be shaken. She simply cannot leave. It’s not a choice.
***
The army didn’t attack Han Ming’s village as expected. She nursed a slightly wounded Jinho in her house for a week, between attending to her ailing father and attempting tired smiles for her younger sister. (Li Yin should’ve grown up in a different era, Ming thinks. She should’ve known only luxury and happiness, not the fear that leaves circles around her eyes, or the backbreaking toil that leaves her exhausted, too thin.)
“Why haven’t they attacked?” Jinho wondered, sipping at the broth Li Yin had made.
“No matter,” Ming replied, spooning her own dinner. “We should be grateful.” It had been a week since the neighboring village had been torched – everyone expected their village to be next. Dozens of families had abandoned their homes already, hoping to flee before they lost everything.
Ming didn’t have a choice in leaving. Her father would not survive a long trek on the road. There was no place to go. It was better here, where at least they still had a bed and nearby medicinal herbs and two fiercely guarded chickens. They stood a poor chance against a rampaging army, but at least here they stood the best they could.
“I don’t understand,” Jinho said, but he let the subject pass. He talked instead of his travels around China – how he had come to the country to visit a year ago, before the emperor had been killed, before the political battle Ming didn’t understand, and the war.
“It was a beautiful country.” Jinho smiled, his eyes bright. He touched Ming’s hand lightly. “I truly had a great experience.”
Ming couldn’t help smiling in return.
China was still a beautiful country, somewhere under the ashes and the blood and the haunting cries of mourners.
***
Han Ming doesn’t see Jinho for three days and she surmises that the foreigner has left at last, making his way back to Korea hidden on the boat he told Ming about. Ming’s heart hurts, but she tells herself there was no other way. Of course Jinho would choose safety and home over China (over Han Ming), just like Ming had to choose war and home over safety.
“Jie jie,” Li Yin says hesitantly, fingers twining through her hair. “You seem so sad.”
“I’m just tired,” she says, and smiles. She won’t let Li Yin worry, if she can help it. “Working the land is tiring.”
“Do you miss Jing He?” Li Yin asks, tying off her plait.
The pain starts in her chest and spreads until it’s almost too difficult to breathe. Does she miss Jing He? Does she miss the brief happiness of Jinho’s dimples and kisses, of Jinho’s strong hands holding her steady, of the quiet truths they’d exchanged in the dark? There will never be words, in Chinese or in any language of the world, Han Ming is positive, that can fully express how much she misses Jinho.
“Yes,” she says, because she’s made it a habit to never lie to Li Yin. “Yes, but I had to stay.”
“For us.”
Li Yin’s voice is sad and she sighs softly as she scoots along the front step of their house to press her side against Ming’s. She leans into her and Ming closes her eyes. They are silent for a long time.
“It’s hard living like this,” Li Yin says at last, softly. “Never knowing when they might attack. Never knowing when we might die.”
Ming reaches out and squeezes her hand in lieu of a reply. They watch the wind stir the dust in the street, blowing dead leaves across empty thresholds.
***
Jinho had kissed her first, because Han Ming had never learned to take what she wanted. She only ever took out of necessity, only ever acted as dutifully and as responsibly as she could. The weight of her decisions often weighed down her shoulders, now cupped by Jinho’s hands, his fingers stroking, as Ming found herself pressed up against the wall of the kitchen. Jinho’s mouth moved gently, tentatively, over hers.
“Is – is this okay?” he asked, words stumbling over his lips as he pulled back to stare into Ming’s eyes.
“I don’t know,” Ming said truthfully, because her heart was flying and her father was sleeping in the next room. She couldn’t look away from Jinho, and she swallowed hard, because she had never wanted something so desperately before. Wanted to be held and touched and loved, and maybe it was all possible despite the world falling to pieces around them.
“I don’t know,” she repeated, and moved until her lips brushed Jinho’s again, “but I want it.”
***
Li Yin has taken to singing the same sad, sweet song their mother used to sing about the two lovers that could never be together in life, and died never knowing what might have been. Han Ming still thinks it’s a tragic story, but she no longer finds it as beautiful.
She gazes out at the horizon often, eyes faraway. She’s not sure what she’s looking for – signs of an approaching army, or an omen to signal the end of the war, or a maybe the figure she sees endlessly in her dreams.
***
“There’s a boat,” Jinho said excitedly, grabbing Han Ming’s hand and pulling her around to the back of the house. He was flushed, eyes bright, and he looked so alive that Ming couldn’t help smiling, laughing too. “There’s a boat, Ming,” Jinho repeated, pulling Ming into a hug.
Ming didn’t understand, but Jinho was so happy that she could only be swept along in it.
“Wait, wait, what are you talking about?” she asked with a chuckle on her lips when Jinho finally let her go. “What about a boat?”
Jinho kissed her instead, swift, joyous. “A boat,” he repeated against Ming’s mouth. “Zai Zhong told me about it. It’s a secret, but it’s leaving in two nights. It can take us to Korea!”
For a moment, the world shifted on its axis, blurring out of focus, then rushing together to come sharply, painfully, into reality. Ming’s smile disappeared. She stepped out of Jinho’s arms but kept a hand linked to his, ever hopeful. She wasn’t sure what to expect when she looked up into Jinho’s smiling face, hesitant.
“What do you mean?”
“We can leave China,” he replied, as if it were the simplest thing in the world. “We can go back to Korea, where it’s safe.”
“Jinho—”
Perhaps he saw the stricken expression on her face. He tugged her closer, pulled her back into his arms. “Ming,” he said tenderly, “this is great! Don’t you understand? We can finally be together, in peace. Safe!”
“Jinho,” Ming tried to say, but her voice caught again; she was terrified by the possibilities Jinho was offering.
“Of course we can bring Li Yin and your father too.” Jinho smoothed a hand over Ming’s back, comforting. “You know I’d never ask you to leave them.”
The world seemed cold for a moment, bone-chilling despite the stillness of the air. It was only early fall, not yet winter; there was no wind, no reason for the shudder that shook Han Ming. She held tightly to Jinho, not sure what to say or how to say it. Jinho was like comfort, earthy smells and protection from the world, Ming’s crutch and one of her few weaknesses. He made her laugh when the army could attack any day; he made her hope despite the hopelessness of their situation; he made her feel and want like she was a different person in a different time, like she could have this without regrets.
Jinho understood her so well, but—
“He’ll die.”
Ming’s words fell like bricks between them, heavy and unforgiving. She wrenched herself away from Jinho. “He’ll die if we try to make it to the boat, Jinho. He won’t make it. Not to Korea.”
Jinho’s expression was startled, unbelieving. He blinked, reached out for her again, and his words were earnest and well-meaning. “Ming, we have to try. I know it’s far but—but we have to try. Your father, I know he’s ill, but we can take care of him. We can do it. Start over in Korea, where he’ll have a real chance, without the war—”
Ming said sharply, “No, Jinho, he’ll die.” She knew it with full certainty. Her father’s health was past weak; he was barely alive as it was.
“Ming, Ming.” Jinho looked desolate and Ming could feel her resolve waver. But her filial duty was in her bones, more innate in the person she was than any selfish desire she might harbor. She choked down a dry sob as Jinho pleaded, “Ming, come with me. Leave with me.”
“No,” she said. “We can’t. I can’t.”
***
It rains the day the army enters the village. They don’t burn the houses. They don’t even bother to terrorize the scattered, remaining villagers. Instead, they unroll a long length of paper and nail it the faded red doors of the house where the village head used to live. The scroll is damp from rain, the ink slightly smudged, but it is readable under the awning that protects it from the worst of the downpour. Han Ming stands under her umbrella and feels sick, dizzy.
The war is over.
It’s been five weeks since Jinho left, and the war is over. Something happened at the capital and there is a new emperor now, with armies under his rule that do not attack the countryside.
Somehow, Ming’s village has survived these past months of terror and death.
She returns home bearing the good news, too numb to be elated or relieved. Li Yin breaks into tears at the news, overcome. From the other room, their father’s voice rasps, weakly, asking after the cause of Li Yin’s tears.
“The war’s over, Father,” Ming says. She shakes the water from her umbrella and leaves it in the corner by the door. She goes to her father’s bedside, takes his hand, and looks at his face, yellowed with sickness and lined with age. Her heart beats heavily in her chest, uncertain.
Han Ming’s father closes his eyes and, with much effort, the corners of his lips ease up in a smile.
“Good,” he says.
A minute later, he opens his eyes. Ming has been standing there, unmoving, waiting. “You should’ve gone,” his father whispers.
Ming opens her mouth to protest. “Father—”
“I’m going to die anyway. I just want you and Li Yin to be happy.” Her father’s hands feel papery and frail, but his fingers twitch over Ming’s palm. “I just want you to live a happy life, Ming. That will give me comfort.”
Ming’s throat is tight. “It doesn’t matter,” she says at last. “I want to take care of you. I want to be here for you and Li Yin. I must.”
Her father’s hand falls from hers, back onto the bed by his side. He closes his eyes again and sighs, catching in a hollow cough that makes Ming lean forward, worried. Her father waves her away and leans back into his flat, rough pillow. He’s tired. “You’re a good daughter, Ming.”
From behind, Li Yin slips her arms around Ming’s waist and rests her head against her back. “Jie jie,” she says softly, and Ming hears remorse in her voice. She’s sorry. For their world, for their lives, for the way things had to be, Han Ming here and Jinho not.
Ming thinks of Jinho, remembers him. Remembers his golden laughter and his bright eyes, remembers the heat of his body and the sweetness of his voice, low in Ming’s ear, earnest, honest. She remembers feeling like she’s finally found someone who understands her, who will support her and hold her when she should need it.
The rain patters down, washing away dirt and mud, clearing the dusty marks of hopelessness. The leaves have turned color now, flaming gold and red and orange, shivering under the force of the rain, dancing on the trees outside the house.
Han Ming stares at them through the window, and thinks about her family and about China, her home – free at last from the war.
The most beautiful things are always the saddest.
***
In another country, barren and gray and cold with pending winter, Jinho sits by the fire, warm in heavy layers and a cup of hot tea. Here, he is home, he is safe – he lives in peace. Here, he only remembers the days and nights with Han Ming, every smile and every touch. He dreams endlessly about two lovers that could never be together in life, and died never knowing what might have been. He reads poems and memorizes their lines, learns the words he didn’t know how to say before. I’m only now realizing how much I love you. He finally understands what he didn’t then, about choices and lack of choices. He regrets leaving.
One day, he will go back.
[2008.12.29]
Those of you who have seen this before, you know why I changed what I did. How does it work?
Friday, January 30, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
新年快乐
春节到了,我心痛,心情不好. 这样面对未来行不行?
你们都不认识我,不熟悉我,根本不知道我是谁. 我这个人自己也不了解,不知道有什么愿望,希望...
生命回一辈子怎么难吗? 不能放弃一切,只能这样一步一步迷着路走.
对不起.
你们都不认识我,不熟悉我,根本不知道我是谁. 我这个人自己也不了解,不知道有什么愿望,希望...
生命回一辈子怎么难吗? 不能放弃一切,只能这样一步一步迷着路走.
对不起.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
i'll be everything you need
S is getting married. It seems like so long ago that I've seen him, that he's been an active, integral part of my life. I'm so happy for him. I'm fond, too, and nostalgic. I remember the way he used to be, and the way I used to be. It seems like so much has changed.
Sometimes it feels like the world is moving on and leaving me behind. Or sometimes it feels like the world is changing constantly and I'm swept up in it, breathless, not quite sure where I am (who I am) or what to do.
There are times I really wish I were older - not in terms of calendar years, necessarily, just wiser and more mature. I wish I knew better what I wanted and how to go after it. I wish confidence, assurance, certainty, responsibility, capability for myself. It's hard to be satisfied with who I am, because there is always room for improvement and for growth.
I feel painfully young sometimes. L is right: I still have a lot to experience, a lot to learn, a lot to discover out of life.
On a different note, I went shopping and found good deals on cute clothes. And this may make me a girl, but it makes me happy.
Sometimes it feels like the world is moving on and leaving me behind. Or sometimes it feels like the world is changing constantly and I'm swept up in it, breathless, not quite sure where I am (who I am) or what to do.
There are times I really wish I were older - not in terms of calendar years, necessarily, just wiser and more mature. I wish I knew better what I wanted and how to go after it. I wish confidence, assurance, certainty, responsibility, capability for myself. It's hard to be satisfied with who I am, because there is always room for improvement and for growth.
I feel painfully young sometimes. L is right: I still have a lot to experience, a lot to learn, a lot to discover out of life.
On a different note, I went shopping and found good deals on cute clothes. And this may make me a girl, but it makes me happy.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
once in awhile, i'm allowed this
So I just want to cry - because I'm a girl, maybe. Because I'm unhappy.
It's nothing specific as it is a little bit of everything, and I forgot the semester was like this: tiring. That's only making it worse, but it's not really the root of why I'm just...nebulously unhappy. Indistinctly dissatisfied.
Then I feel ungrateful. I know I'm lucky. I know I have a lot to be thankful for.
But right now I just want to be a little miserable and cry until my chest hurts.
And I'll be okay. And it's not your duty to fix me. It's just...
Life, sometimes.
Life, sometimes, just makes me unhappy.
It's nothing specific as it is a little bit of everything, and I forgot the semester was like this: tiring. That's only making it worse, but it's not really the root of why I'm just...nebulously unhappy. Indistinctly dissatisfied.
Then I feel ungrateful. I know I'm lucky. I know I have a lot to be thankful for.
But right now I just want to be a little miserable and cry until my chest hurts.
And I'll be okay. And it's not your duty to fix me. It's just...
Life, sometimes.
Life, sometimes, just makes me unhappy.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
the weight of the pencil sharpener (연필깎이)
Today, we began a new America with the inauguration of our 44th president:
I felt like this day in history deserves a nod here at least, though I've made known my happiness and pride all over other forums.
Tonight, I went to watch the WashU Orchestra perform with a number of classmates tonight; specifically, we went to watch T's solo (well, duet). He played well, and the experience reminded me how much I do love classical music. (I love piano and the string quartet best, oh it's gorgeous.) But the night also was a stark reminder that I am not a music person.
Maybe it's because there's just too much math and left-brain involved in it, but I was never that good. I was never that committed. I love listening to it, but I am terrible with music. I don't have an ear for it; I guess I didn't inherit that gene from my mom. I can't sight read, I can't recognize notes by ear, or tell when something is flat or sharp or off-beat. I don't understand the technicalities of performance, and sometimes that just makes me incredibly sad, because listening to it is just - it engages so much emotion. And I'm, if nothing else, pretty emotional. Listening to classical music is an emotional experience that leaves me regretting my inability to pursue it (to truly understand it).
I'm a word person. I know this. I'm not a master of words, but they are my song, my poetry, my music. A well-turned phrase makes me incredibly happy; diction and syntax all matter to me. They're interesting to me. I like the cadence, the rhythm, of certain sentences. I like the way certain words look (heechul), or feel, or sound. Words are a craft in themselves, not merely a tool to create stories or to facilitate communication. Words can evoke things for me that music does for people like T and my mom. Words don't have the same impact that images can leave - soundless, wordless - but they leave a different impact: they can be just as powerful in a different way.
Sometimes I think about these things and I wonder why I'm here, doing what I am. This is not what I love.
(What do I love? This. Sometimes Tablo can be overrated, given too much credit for being Creative and Unique and Deep, which he may be in relative context of the bubblegum-manufactured kpop scene - but this song speaks, I think, to a lot of people. To me.)
This is not my dream.
(But there are bigger things than my dreams.)
I felt like this day in history deserves a nod here at least, though I've made known my happiness and pride all over other forums.
Tonight, I went to watch the WashU Orchestra perform with a number of classmates tonight; specifically, we went to watch T's solo (well, duet). He played well, and the experience reminded me how much I do love classical music. (I love piano and the string quartet best, oh it's gorgeous.) But the night also was a stark reminder that I am not a music person.
Maybe it's because there's just too much math and left-brain involved in it, but I was never that good. I was never that committed. I love listening to it, but I am terrible with music. I don't have an ear for it; I guess I didn't inherit that gene from my mom. I can't sight read, I can't recognize notes by ear, or tell when something is flat or sharp or off-beat. I don't understand the technicalities of performance, and sometimes that just makes me incredibly sad, because listening to it is just - it engages so much emotion. And I'm, if nothing else, pretty emotional. Listening to classical music is an emotional experience that leaves me regretting my inability to pursue it (to truly understand it).
I'm a word person. I know this. I'm not a master of words, but they are my song, my poetry, my music. A well-turned phrase makes me incredibly happy; diction and syntax all matter to me. They're interesting to me. I like the cadence, the rhythm, of certain sentences. I like the way certain words look (heechul), or feel, or sound. Words are a craft in themselves, not merely a tool to create stories or to facilitate communication. Words can evoke things for me that music does for people like T and my mom. Words don't have the same impact that images can leave - soundless, wordless - but they leave a different impact: they can be just as powerful in a different way.
Sometimes I think about these things and I wonder why I'm here, doing what I am. This is not what I love.
(What do I love? This. Sometimes Tablo can be overrated, given too much credit for being Creative and Unique and Deep, which he may be in relative context of the bubblegum-manufactured kpop scene - but this song speaks, I think, to a lot of people. To me.)
This is not my dream.
(But there are bigger things than my dreams.)
Sunday, January 18, 2009
when i was a child, i wanted to grow up...
So J is somewhat of a legend in our class at law school. Everyone knows who he is. Everyone laughs and says, "Oh J," whenever anyone brings him up - some are impressed, most are just bemused. They all know about his trips to Detroit and San Francisco during key periods of the semester for Yu-gi-oh tournaments. They all know that he skips class to go, that he's excellent and internet famous, that he's so good he gets paid, gets asked for his autograph, gets talked about in reverent tones - but it's all a kids' game, so it doesn't matter.
I don't understand why people laugh at J, honestly. I can see why they might not take him (or at least the game he plays) seriously, but I sincerely admire him for doing what he likes and being good at it. Truth be told, I probably envy him a little for that ability, to be brazen and carefree in the face of society's convention and the majority's judgment. (What is it? A card game or something? A kids' game, right? With pictures on the cards and magic powers and all that, they say dismissively, derisively, as if they understand, as if they don't need to.) People think they've outgrown such frivolities, such childish games.
But is it so childish to do something you like and are good at? Fine, practically speaking, it may not serve you or your future's best interests. But it's not as if there's no remuneration involved in his national tournaments - this is not some low-scale hobby that just keeps him occupied and distracted from school. And even if it were - would it be so bad to enjoy it? Would it be so wrong to not hide it away as if you were ashamed of it?
I admire J for doing what he likes, Yu-gi-oh or whatever it may be, and still being brilliant. He doesn't need to put in the same amount of work as we do for law school; he's not like us (broadly, generally us). I do think he should commit more if this is what he's going to do as a career, but whether he pursues law as a career is not a choice anyone else, much less I, can force on him. He does as he will. I admire his attitude towards life and as a person.
I don't think I could do it, for better or for worse, (sometimes to my regret), but it works well for him. I'm tired of hearing people talk about him lightly, because I like him as he is.
I like him the way he is, maybe because I feel a need to live vicariously through someone braver than me. Someone who didn't put away childish things - or maybe someone who redefined the meaning of childish things, so that not everything we enjoyed when we were younger, not everything we enjoy now that society looks upon as immature or more suitable for a different age group, is actually "childish".
And, also, I'm generally not really into people talking badly of my friends, even if they're good-natured and don't mean to insult.
I don't understand why people laugh at J, honestly. I can see why they might not take him (or at least the game he plays) seriously, but I sincerely admire him for doing what he likes and being good at it. Truth be told, I probably envy him a little for that ability, to be brazen and carefree in the face of society's convention and the majority's judgment. (What is it? A card game or something? A kids' game, right? With pictures on the cards and magic powers and all that, they say dismissively, derisively, as if they understand, as if they don't need to.) People think they've outgrown such frivolities, such childish games.
When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. (I Cor. 13:11)
But is it so childish to do something you like and are good at? Fine, practically speaking, it may not serve you or your future's best interests. But it's not as if there's no remuneration involved in his national tournaments - this is not some low-scale hobby that just keeps him occupied and distracted from school. And even if it were - would it be so bad to enjoy it? Would it be so wrong to not hide it away as if you were ashamed of it?
I admire J for doing what he likes, Yu-gi-oh or whatever it may be, and still being brilliant. He doesn't need to put in the same amount of work as we do for law school; he's not like us (broadly, generally us). I do think he should commit more if this is what he's going to do as a career, but whether he pursues law as a career is not a choice anyone else, much less I, can force on him. He does as he will. I admire his attitude towards life and as a person.
I don't think I could do it, for better or for worse, (sometimes to my regret), but it works well for him. I'm tired of hearing people talk about him lightly, because I like him as he is.
I like him the way he is, maybe because I feel a need to live vicariously through someone braver than me. Someone who didn't put away childish things - or maybe someone who redefined the meaning of childish things, so that not everything we enjoyed when we were younger, not everything we enjoy now that society looks upon as immature or more suitable for a different age group, is actually "childish".
And, also, I'm generally not really into people talking badly of my friends, even if they're good-natured and don't mean to insult.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
inconsequential irks
Things that annoy me, #11:
People who douse themselves in cologne, perfume, or aftershave - whatever artificial odor it is, they wear too much of it, it smells terrible, and it gives me a headache.
You're lucky no one happens to be playing with an open flame anywhere near you; you'd probably catch on fire. (Gives new meaning to the phrase 'diaf', doesn't it?)
Though I doubt that would smell any better.
People who douse themselves in cologne, perfume, or aftershave - whatever artificial odor it is, they wear too much of it, it smells terrible, and it gives me a headache.
You're lucky no one happens to be playing with an open flame anywhere near you; you'd probably catch on fire. (Gives new meaning to the phrase 'diaf', doesn't it?)
Though I doubt that would smell any better.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
simple pleasures
Tonight, we had hot pot for dinner! In Korea, they call the dish "shabu shabu", evidently, which is a Japanese term for a Mongolian-style dish. In the end, I've concluded, it All Came From China, like everything else.
I've continued eating like a crazy person these past two days - or maybe just someone with a tapeworm (and not, as has been suggested, someone who's pregnant, har har). I had two dinners last night and two lunches this morning; I've been craving the antipasto salad and personal pizza from school, both which I had today. I think I've finally satisfied the strange, compulsive hunger; I feel full at last, and actually rather...fat. Mentally. Now I feel like I need to drink a lot of milk and orange juice and exercise a lot.
I actually worry a fair bit over my health, because though my immune system generally seems to like me and I rarely even get colds, much less anything more serious, I always feel as if I'm not a particularly healthy person. I don't get enough vitamins, fruit, calcium, potassium, exercise... I probably have far too many carbs and proteins, sadly delicious and Asian, but not the healthiest of foods on which to subsist.
(I just corrected that from "foods to subsist on" because ending sentences with prepositions does bother me, and I physically twitch whenever people say "where you at" because, god, I hate you so much!)
Food aside though, I also feel like I've been sleeping a decent amount lately, but I'm not sure if it's helping me focus better or feel less sore. There is probably always more work I could be doing, but I actually have begun prioritizing sleep fairly highly. I didn't in college, and it was not a fun experience. Older and wiser, I say that getting a good night's sleep will really make a world of difference in your mood, concentration, and overall health. Plus, I think I just love sleep.
This is a pretty boring post about my health habits (or lack thereof)... Let me continue briefly on that note and just add that: my hair is getting long! :D I should probably trim it fairly soon, or something.
I'm sure I have thoughts about law school too, but putting them down usually just stresses me out, because I realize how much work I have to do. I really wish we'd get our Property grade back though, and (I don't know if it's better or worse to want this but) I hope I did better on it than I feared. It would give me a pretty good GPA for the first semester, which would be nice generally and helpful for getting jobs, whether for this summer or next. So, here's hoping I didn't totally fuck up that Property exam...
Here's to less boring posts in the future! I should take up skydiving or some other exciting hobby, maybe try to be internet famous like J...I'd probably have more interesting stories to tell then.
I've continued eating like a crazy person these past two days - or maybe just someone with a tapeworm (and not, as has been suggested, someone who's pregnant, har har). I had two dinners last night and two lunches this morning; I've been craving the antipasto salad and personal pizza from school, both which I had today. I think I've finally satisfied the strange, compulsive hunger; I feel full at last, and actually rather...fat. Mentally. Now I feel like I need to drink a lot of milk and orange juice and exercise a lot.
I actually worry a fair bit over my health, because though my immune system generally seems to like me and I rarely even get colds, much less anything more serious, I always feel as if I'm not a particularly healthy person. I don't get enough vitamins, fruit, calcium, potassium, exercise... I probably have far too many carbs and proteins, sadly delicious and Asian, but not the healthiest of foods on which to subsist.
(I just corrected that from "foods to subsist on" because ending sentences with prepositions does bother me, and I physically twitch whenever people say "where you at" because, god, I hate you so much!)
Food aside though, I also feel like I've been sleeping a decent amount lately, but I'm not sure if it's helping me focus better or feel less sore. There is probably always more work I could be doing, but I actually have begun prioritizing sleep fairly highly. I didn't in college, and it was not a fun experience. Older and wiser, I say that getting a good night's sleep will really make a world of difference in your mood, concentration, and overall health. Plus, I think I just love sleep.
This is a pretty boring post about my health habits (or lack thereof)... Let me continue briefly on that note and just add that: my hair is getting long! :D I should probably trim it fairly soon, or something.
I'm sure I have thoughts about law school too, but putting them down usually just stresses me out, because I realize how much work I have to do. I really wish we'd get our Property grade back though, and (I don't know if it's better or worse to want this but) I hope I did better on it than I feared. It would give me a pretty good GPA for the first semester, which would be nice generally and helpful for getting jobs, whether for this summer or next. So, here's hoping I didn't totally fuck up that Property exam...
Here's to less boring posts in the future! I should take up skydiving or some other exciting hobby, maybe try to be internet famous like J...I'd probably have more interesting stories to tell then.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
my world revolves around food
This is one of those days where I am going to eat six or seven times a day and still be hungry.
I'm not sure if my appetite has increased because of law school (spending seven consecutive hours staring at your casebooks is actually incredibly energy-draining), or perhaps over break (when I had the luxury of my parents feeding me all the time). Either way, I've come back to St. Louis hungry all the time, for everything except Mexican. See, don't get me wrong: I have nothing against Mexican food. I don't hate it or even dislike it. I'll eat it. I will just never really enjoy it, I don't think. It's all those beans and cheese and rice cooked wrong. I'm also just not a fan of flour tortillas. (But a naked burrito from Qdoba generally makes me happy, and oh the salsas are so good.)
But I don't have anything against cheese either: I just spent a good ten minutes googling pictures and recipes of soufflé. Interestingly, the sweet ones just don't interest me as much (I was never a big dessert person, I admit it) as the ones with cheese. Or meat. I do so like my meat. Cheese and spinach just makes me blissful. Now I'm craving a breakfast soufflé, and it's four in the afternoon. This would be a good time to go home and help my roommates cook, wouldn't it? Or it would just make me hungrier. Maybe it's a good time for a snack, and then help cooking...
On the topic of things that are spinach-and-cheese and also delicious, soft pretzels. Barnes & Noble sell them, I think, with feta cheese and spinach, and probably typing up an entire blog post about food is not helping my case of hunger pangs.
Is there a more boring subject I could waste time talking about? Or at least one less food-related...
So reading endless cases in law school can be tedious and very long-winded, but I'm always amused when I find opinions by courts who clearly have a sense of humor (or have just had to put up with way too much stupidity from people at large). There was that opinion J found last semester where the entire thing was written in poetry a la The Night Before Christmas. Then the opinion about Barbie and Aqua's trademark infringment with its song. And today the opinion we read for LP about incompetent lawyers who failed to cite properly in their appellate briefs and wrote in crayon. (I still can't gauge whether or not that was serious; I sincerely hope not, because just. What. I can't even comprehend what would possess a practicing attorney to do that.)
...well, I'm still hungry.
I'm not sure if my appetite has increased because of law school (spending seven consecutive hours staring at your casebooks is actually incredibly energy-draining), or perhaps over break (when I had the luxury of my parents feeding me all the time). Either way, I've come back to St. Louis hungry all the time, for everything except Mexican. See, don't get me wrong: I have nothing against Mexican food. I don't hate it or even dislike it. I'll eat it. I will just never really enjoy it, I don't think. It's all those beans and cheese and rice cooked wrong. I'm also just not a fan of flour tortillas. (But a naked burrito from Qdoba generally makes me happy, and oh the salsas are so good.)
But I don't have anything against cheese either: I just spent a good ten minutes googling pictures and recipes of soufflé. Interestingly, the sweet ones just don't interest me as much (I was never a big dessert person, I admit it) as the ones with cheese. Or meat. I do so like my meat. Cheese and spinach just makes me blissful. Now I'm craving a breakfast soufflé, and it's four in the afternoon. This would be a good time to go home and help my roommates cook, wouldn't it? Or it would just make me hungrier. Maybe it's a good time for a snack, and then help cooking...
On the topic of things that are spinach-and-cheese and also delicious, soft pretzels. Barnes & Noble sell them, I think, with feta cheese and spinach, and probably typing up an entire blog post about food is not helping my case of hunger pangs.
Is there a more boring subject I could waste time talking about? Or at least one less food-related...
So reading endless cases in law school can be tedious and very long-winded, but I'm always amused when I find opinions by courts who clearly have a sense of humor (or have just had to put up with way too much stupidity from people at large). There was that opinion J found last semester where the entire thing was written in poetry a la The Night Before Christmas. Then the opinion about Barbie and Aqua's trademark infringment with its song. And today the opinion we read for LP about incompetent lawyers who failed to cite properly in their appellate briefs and wrote in crayon. (I still can't gauge whether or not that was serious; I sincerely hope not, because just. What. I can't even comprehend what would possess a practicing attorney to do that.)
...well, I'm still hungry.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
no need to complicate our time
These past few days I haven't found it in me to have the right words to describe my life. I wrote last week and it came so easily, effortless creativity that made me stop and think: I love this. I love to write. I do it well. I'm not the best, god no (how I could ever think I was even close with all the friends I have whose talent continue to amaze me), and of course I need a lot of work and improvement, but this writing thing...I couldn't exist without it.
I don't mean blogging. I mean writing. There are days, weeks, when I miss it so much it's like a physical ache. It discomfits me not having put feelings and ideas and style onto the page, with the right words strung together in the right way, saying the right thing for once, when so often I feel tongue-tied and the very opposite of eloquent.
I love writing and I'm afraid law school stifles that. I'm afraid my own fears stifle that.
Have you ever read something you've written and cried over it? It made me feel incredibly pretentious, as if I thought I was such a good writer that I could stir even myself, as if my writing had such raw, powerful emotion.
(I like to think my writing makes people feel, but who has really read my writing?)
I don't think I'm a very good blogger, however. I don't think I am very good at chronicling my life and making it entertaining, witty, poignant. I am too busy trying to live my life and not let it pass me by to translate it into words for other people. I am too busy making the memory to reflect on the memory, at least until long afterwards, in hindsight.
I am better at translating other people's lives into something readable, however. I wonder why my own is such a challenge. Perhaps that is something I should try this year, to chronicle my life in an interesting way.
They tell me what I write about China is strongest, in vivid color and emotion, that it reflects my love for it. I wonder if I could do this for anything (a form of lying, because it is China I love, not just anything, not just anywhere), and it makes me want to try. Orchestrated lies, and all that.
Sometimes I wonder where I might be if I were braver.
I don't mean blogging. I mean writing. There are days, weeks, when I miss it so much it's like a physical ache. It discomfits me not having put feelings and ideas and style onto the page, with the right words strung together in the right way, saying the right thing for once, when so often I feel tongue-tied and the very opposite of eloquent.
I love writing and I'm afraid law school stifles that. I'm afraid my own fears stifle that.
Have you ever read something you've written and cried over it? It made me feel incredibly pretentious, as if I thought I was such a good writer that I could stir even myself, as if my writing had such raw, powerful emotion.
(I like to think my writing makes people feel, but who has really read my writing?)
I don't think I'm a very good blogger, however. I don't think I am very good at chronicling my life and making it entertaining, witty, poignant. I am too busy trying to live my life and not let it pass me by to translate it into words for other people. I am too busy making the memory to reflect on the memory, at least until long afterwards, in hindsight.
I am better at translating other people's lives into something readable, however. I wonder why my own is such a challenge. Perhaps that is something I should try this year, to chronicle my life in an interesting way.
They tell me what I write about China is strongest, in vivid color and emotion, that it reflects my love for it. I wonder if I could do this for anything (a form of lying, because it is China I love, not just anything, not just anywhere), and it makes me want to try. Orchestrated lies, and all that.
Sometimes I wonder where I might be if I were braver.
Friday, January 2, 2009
to a new year, but the same old you (just wiser)
New Year's Resolutions:
It's okay to have doubts and to be unsure, but don't let them get in the way of living your life to the fullest. Remember to try your best, no matter what. Remember to smile and to make the most out of what you have. Make memories. Laugh. Work hard and study hard, but take the time to reach out and connect with people who aren't right there next to you. Remember that you're loved. Remember that, even when you feel your absolute worst, when you feel defeated and inadequate and lost, you are still one of the luckiest people in the world because of your family, your friends, your life.
Talk to people if you're afraid. Be reasonable. Don't be distracted by petty things; don't let the little things get you down.
Grow up this year. Take control of your life and make it yours. Make it something to be proud of: healthy, hardworking, happy.
Take care of yourself.
It's okay to have doubts and to be unsure, but don't let them get in the way of living your life to the fullest. Remember to try your best, no matter what. Remember to smile and to make the most out of what you have. Make memories. Laugh. Work hard and study hard, but take the time to reach out and connect with people who aren't right there next to you. Remember that you're loved. Remember that, even when you feel your absolute worst, when you feel defeated and inadequate and lost, you are still one of the luckiest people in the world because of your family, your friends, your life.
Talk to people if you're afraid. Be reasonable. Don't be distracted by petty things; don't let the little things get you down.
Grow up this year. Take control of your life and make it yours. Make it something to be proud of: healthy, hardworking, happy.
Take care of yourself.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Happy 2009: reflection on 2008
1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
I traveled internationally by myself! I went to Korea! And I suppose things that don't quite count: I graduated college and went to law school. Oh, I also worked in a Chinese restaurant - that was new. Oh, and tried some girly cocktails and like Midori Sour and Fuzzy Navel. :) I think I did lots of new things this year, which is always nice.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
...what were my new years' resolutions? I should, um, go look.
-get into law school (check!)
-figure out and implement a proper study schedule (I guess this worked...)
-call home at least once a week (I'm pretty sure this didn't happen, haha)
-dance (occasionally)
-have a good last semester in college (some parts ended up more stressful than I would've liked, but generally yes)
-learn enough Korean as to not be completely lost in Korea! (not as much as I would've liked, but MY & I weren't completely lost! so this counts as a success)
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. For which I'm grateful.
5. What countries did you visit?
China! Korea! :D
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A chance to meet up with CD and LZ and maybe even KZ and SZ (long shot, I think). The first two look plausible though (okay the first one is guaranteed, pretty much). Maybe talk to VS on the phone, if she ever gets one. :) Go to Africa! Ooh, maybe go to Hollywood Bowl? I think I had a pretty good 2008, honestly, but I'd never turn down more opportunities in 2009 for any variety of new things.
7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
August 08, 2008 - China's Olympic moment. ♥
November 06, 2008 - TC. :)
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Making it through my first semester of law school without dying. Honestly. And hopefully not failing, either. It was tough at times, especially towards the end of the semester. I had moments of panic and anxiety. Overall, though, it was a learning experience (in more than just the classroom), and the people there (and everywhere) helped. ♥
9. What was your biggest failure?
I-I don't know. Probably my grades. Let me think more on this.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
My archives say I was sick on New Year's Day of 2008, and I think I might've gotten a little sick during my May finals. I've been fine the rest of the year, though! Just occasionally stressed out and sometimes totally exhausted, but no real illness or injury. :)
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Three copies of SJM's album! No, no, just kidding, seriously. Best purchase was probably my adorably tiny Asus EEE PC. :) And my shiny little external harddrive.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
LP, TC, JC, VS, LZ, KT, CM, AH, SC. You've all stood out in my minds for various reasons this past year and I'm grateful. For little things and little moments, for laughter and fun and friendship. For support and love. ♥ Be with me again next year, okay? I will do my best to be there for everyone (above included) too.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Mine, mostly. TC's confused me for a while. And I've had a few moments of sceptical doubt regarding certain people's behaviors, but it hasn't lasted.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Law school. No kidding, you guys? Then rent, food, clothes. Sounds practical, doesn't it? I hope so - I need to be far more careful with money this next semester.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
SJM. ♥ All year long, but especially over the summer. Super Show DVD~ Mostly fandom stuff including recent Big Bang and Wonder Girls performances. Non-fandom stuff, totally the trip to China and Korea with MY. Memories forever!
16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2008?
光荣 by BOBO, lulz. The song that played on repeat as MY & I stood around in the blinding sun for three hours at the BOBO fanmeet. Also, Beijing Welcomes You/北京欢迎你 and, a little bit, SJM's U and ME(迷).
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier, I think. I have a lot to be grateful for this year.
ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter! :D By, like, 3 pounds! This is good news, you guys. One day I will actually break 100lbs for good.
iii. richer or poorer? Ahahaha, so much poorer. Oh loans.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Spend time with MY. :( Talk on the phone with important people. Kept in better touch with ES and others. Spend more time with CS and LY, even. I can't wish that I'd studied more because I studied so much - but I think I'm always going to feel like I could've done more. And I did have fun with people in STL. :) Karaoke + drinking + eating + Rock Band + cooking~!
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Been insecure about stupid things like what goes on with people on LJ.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Spent Christmas with my family at home in NC, then went to the Zhaos' house for dinner. Watched Prince Caspian there...and oh didn't that lead to all sorts of horrible things. ;D
22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
I may have.
23. How many one-night stands?
None, thanks.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
We-ell, I still don't really watch TV. But what I've caught, I do enjoy Cash Cab and Top Chef. I think I still like Jeopardy better though. :3 I'm a traditionalist sometimes, haha.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope.
26. What was the best book you read?
...I had time to read books this year? Well, maybe earlier on in the year. Hmm, oh, probably The King's Own then, just because it was fantastic out of the, like, 6 new books I read this year.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
...does SJM count? Otherwise, I've got nothing for you.
28. What did you want and get?
Graduation! Trip to China & Korea (and seeing MY again)! Random merchandise and clothes there! Er - a new laptop, an external. Calvin & Hobbes books. Friends in STL. ♥
29. What did you want and not get?
Straight As in May. :( Probably didn't get straight As in law school either (let's not joke). Ugh, I'll be happy with the median, please please please.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
...so I have this thing where I don't really watch movies. Did I watch movies? What movies came out this year? Can I say Prince Caspian? I'm, um, going to go ahead and say that.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 21 and I was in STL! I had a dinner with some people from my section at school but we didn't really get to know each other. RM and LP and JZ were there! But I abandoned them to go hang out with CS and LY. Ah, but things worked out.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Straight As. Well, I don't know. Other than that, I don't think I have much to complain about. I don't think there could be any one thing that would have made my life that much better. (Unless maybe going to the May Hollywood Bowl, lol.)
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Fobby cute on some days and hopeless casual on other days, because it was cold and I was lazy.
34. What kept you sane?
SJM, LP, LZ, TC.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Okay, throughout most of the year, it was Lee Donghae. ♥ Ask me again now and I would have a harder time answering that question. (Also, Skandar Keynes makes me *__*.)
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The Olympics. And that shouldn't have been political. To be honest, I never got that stirred up about the presidential race because I knew Obama was going to win. It was kind of obvious he would, even if it wasn't the landslide it ended up being.
37. Who did you miss?
Family. MY. JC. AY. KT, CW, VP.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Did we meet this year, VS? I guess you count. ♥ You win only because I've known you longer, otherwise I'd have a hard time deciding between, umm, certain others.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
For some reason, people like me. So don't get so wrapped up in my insecurities that I end up pushing them away. Also: remember to keep trying.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
This is such a retarded question. Like your entire year of experiences, good and bad, can be summed up by a few words? I don't think so.
But here's some good advice:
笑一笑没有什么大不了 just smile and there's nothing you can't overcome
--Rainbow's Smile by Cyndi Wang (Smiling Pasta OST)
Happy New Year! ♥
I traveled internationally by myself! I went to Korea! And I suppose things that don't quite count: I graduated college and went to law school. Oh, I also worked in a Chinese restaurant - that was new. Oh, and tried some girly cocktails and like Midori Sour and Fuzzy Navel. :) I think I did lots of new things this year, which is always nice.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
...what were my new years' resolutions? I should, um, go look.
-get into law school (check!)
-figure out and implement a proper study schedule (I guess this worked...)
-call home at least once a week (I'm pretty sure this didn't happen, haha)
-dance (occasionally)
-have a good last semester in college (some parts ended up more stressful than I would've liked, but generally yes)
-learn enough Korean as to not be completely lost in Korea! (not as much as I would've liked, but MY & I weren't completely lost! so this counts as a success)
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. For which I'm grateful.
5. What countries did you visit?
China! Korea! :D
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A chance to meet up with CD and LZ and maybe even KZ and SZ (long shot, I think). The first two look plausible though (okay the first one is guaranteed, pretty much). Maybe talk to VS on the phone, if she ever gets one. :) Go to Africa! Ooh, maybe go to Hollywood Bowl? I think I had a pretty good 2008, honestly, but I'd never turn down more opportunities in 2009 for any variety of new things.
7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
August 08, 2008 - China's Olympic moment. ♥
November 06, 2008 - TC. :)
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Making it through my first semester of law school without dying. Honestly. And hopefully not failing, either. It was tough at times, especially towards the end of the semester. I had moments of panic and anxiety. Overall, though, it was a learning experience (in more than just the classroom), and the people there (and everywhere) helped. ♥
9. What was your biggest failure?
I-I don't know. Probably my grades. Let me think more on this.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
My archives say I was sick on New Year's Day of 2008, and I think I might've gotten a little sick during my May finals. I've been fine the rest of the year, though! Just occasionally stressed out and sometimes totally exhausted, but no real illness or injury. :)
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Three copies of SJM's album! No, no, just kidding, seriously. Best purchase was probably my adorably tiny Asus EEE PC. :) And my shiny little external harddrive.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
LP, TC, JC, VS, LZ, KT, CM, AH, SC. You've all stood out in my minds for various reasons this past year and I'm grateful. For little things and little moments, for laughter and fun and friendship. For support and love. ♥ Be with me again next year, okay? I will do my best to be there for everyone (above included) too.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Mine, mostly. TC's confused me for a while. And I've had a few moments of sceptical doubt regarding certain people's behaviors, but it hasn't lasted.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Law school. No kidding, you guys? Then rent, food, clothes. Sounds practical, doesn't it? I hope so - I need to be far more careful with money this next semester.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
SJM. ♥ All year long, but especially over the summer. Super Show DVD~ Mostly fandom stuff including recent Big Bang and Wonder Girls performances. Non-fandom stuff, totally the trip to China and Korea with MY. Memories forever!
16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2008?
光荣 by BOBO, lulz. The song that played on repeat as MY & I stood around in the blinding sun for three hours at the BOBO fanmeet. Also, Beijing Welcomes You/北京欢迎你 and, a little bit, SJM's U and ME(迷).
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier, I think. I have a lot to be grateful for this year.
ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter! :D By, like, 3 pounds! This is good news, you guys. One day I will actually break 100lbs for good.
iii. richer or poorer? Ahahaha, so much poorer. Oh loans.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Spend time with MY. :( Talk on the phone with important people. Kept in better touch with ES and others. Spend more time with CS and LY, even. I can't wish that I'd studied more because I studied so much - but I think I'm always going to feel like I could've done more. And I did have fun with people in STL. :) Karaoke + drinking + eating + Rock Band + cooking~!
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Been insecure about stupid things like what goes on with people on LJ.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Spent Christmas with my family at home in NC, then went to the Zhaos' house for dinner. Watched Prince Caspian there...and oh didn't that lead to all sorts of horrible things. ;D
22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
I may have.
23. How many one-night stands?
None, thanks.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
We-ell, I still don't really watch TV. But what I've caught, I do enjoy Cash Cab and Top Chef. I think I still like Jeopardy better though. :3 I'm a traditionalist sometimes, haha.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope.
26. What was the best book you read?
...I had time to read books this year? Well, maybe earlier on in the year. Hmm, oh, probably The King's Own then, just because it was fantastic out of the, like, 6 new books I read this year.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
...does SJM count? Otherwise, I've got nothing for you.
28. What did you want and get?
Graduation! Trip to China & Korea (and seeing MY again)! Random merchandise and clothes there! Er - a new laptop, an external. Calvin & Hobbes books. Friends in STL. ♥
29. What did you want and not get?
Straight As in May. :( Probably didn't get straight As in law school either (let's not joke). Ugh, I'll be happy with the median, please please please.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
...so I have this thing where I don't really watch movies. Did I watch movies? What movies came out this year? Can I say Prince Caspian? I'm, um, going to go ahead and say that.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 21 and I was in STL! I had a dinner with some people from my section at school but we didn't really get to know each other. RM and LP and JZ were there! But I abandoned them to go hang out with CS and LY. Ah, but things worked out.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Straight As. Well, I don't know. Other than that, I don't think I have much to complain about. I don't think there could be any one thing that would have made my life that much better. (Unless maybe going to the May Hollywood Bowl, lol.)
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Fobby cute on some days and hopeless casual on other days, because it was cold and I was lazy.
34. What kept you sane?
SJM, LP, LZ, TC.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Okay, throughout most of the year, it was Lee Donghae. ♥ Ask me again now and I would have a harder time answering that question. (Also, Skandar Keynes makes me *__*.)
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The Olympics. And that shouldn't have been political. To be honest, I never got that stirred up about the presidential race because I knew Obama was going to win. It was kind of obvious he would, even if it wasn't the landslide it ended up being.
37. Who did you miss?
Family. MY. JC. AY. KT, CW, VP.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Did we meet this year, VS? I guess you count. ♥ You win only because I've known you longer, otherwise I'd have a hard time deciding between, umm, certain others.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
For some reason, people like me. So don't get so wrapped up in my insecurities that I end up pushing them away. Also: remember to keep trying.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
This is such a retarded question. Like your entire year of experiences, good and bad, can be summed up by a few words? I don't think so.
But here's some good advice:
笑一笑没有什么大不了 just smile and there's nothing you can't overcome
--Rainbow's Smile by Cyndi Wang (Smiling Pasta OST)
Happy New Year! ♥
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