and in ten years, will you remember me?

Sometimes, my mom tells me depressing things like it's hard to stay in touch with friends you don't have a lot in common with anymore, because you'll all be too busy with your own lives. While I understand that there is some truth in that statement, and I've come to some acceptance about fading connections (though not affection) for people I'm close to now, I hope I never lose touch with certain people. I doubt I will, though, because they're necessary to me.

That's a funny word, too, though: "necessary". What it means for me now may not be what it means for me later. There are people I thought necessary to me in the past that are no longer: not necessarily in a negative way, either, only in that I grew up and managed my life on my own, without them, and I survived. It's not that I would've chosen that path if given a second chance, but it might have been for the best. Then again, it might not have. Either way, I think the fact remains that we don't get to go back and change things in our past, so we can only adapt and do the best we can with the present and the future that we are given.

There are certain people who are necessary to me now who may not be necessary to me later. That's an unnerving thought. It doesn't mean I will love them any less, of course, but I hope that love will be enough to keep us close to each other.

Of course, there are people who will alway be necessary to me, I think, no matter what. Just in different ways. And it helps that time has proven us over and over again. J is a good example. Sometimes we go for months without talking, but I've never not considered her important to me, or a good friend, or someone I could depend on, or someone I would invite to my future wedding.

I've known her for...five years. I wonder if that's long or not, in the grand scheme of things.

I honestly don't think I believe in labels anymore. There are certain people who are more important and more necessary to me than other people, but it's not a ranking. I don't think I can even label people "best friend" anymore. It's not the label that makes it true.

Maybe I think too much for my own good - not always in a bad way, though. I like to pretend it's part of my growing up.

walk this road and wear it down

You were mine first and I hate that it means nothing, because I don't have a right to you just because I knew you first. I hate that it feels like I'm losing you. And you. And you.

I know you don't understand what it feels like. I'm not asking you to.

Just...give me a little time to work it out, so I'm not miserable every time I see you, wondering whether I still matter the same, or at all. I know better than this. I know I matter. I just have to conquer my own fears and doubts

It's not a matter of possession, but a matter of trust. That's what friendships are built on.

I have to trust you (and you and you) that you aren't going to slowly, one by one, walk away from me. Because sometimes that's what it feels like.

(And sometimes anger is an easier path to take than fear.)

read on a friend's blog

One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. "Which road do I take?" she asked. "Where do you want to go?" was his response. "I don't know," Alice answered. "Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."

니가 좋은 이유 (Why I like you)

Even though break's ending, I'm an a good mood. Gotta take what joys you can, when you can.

I bought a camera too! So that is exciting and will be the one bright spot of next week. At least I have a new soundtrack to my life as I return to slave away at law school.

Speaking of music, I drove around a lot this break, and listened to the radio, which I never do (but I didn't have any of my music here). I finally sort of know what's popular, if the frequency of plays of certain songs are any indication. Frankly, I'm tired of Pink's Sober and Kelly Clarkson's My Life Would Suck Without You now. I'll stick with my kpop, thanks. Though I do enjoy Britney's Circus~ Now this is the kind of dance music they should've played at the club. STL disappoints. Let's go out again, and party right.

I had deep thoughts on music tastes and possibly a rant on overbearing, contemptuous people who think their tastes > yours, but...it's overdone. No need for repetition.

:)

they say take a chance...

눈이 부셔 부셔 부셔
숨이 막혀 막혀 막혀
내가 미쳐 미쳐 baby~

So I'm a good girl. I've pretty much always known this and I think I've come to terms with it, to a point where I'm comfortable with it and not seeking to rebel.

I don't smoke. I'm not a big drinker. I can probably count on my fingers the number of times I drank underage. I like going clubbing on occasion, but not every weekend. I've never tried drugs and have no interest in doing so. I haven't slept around. I haven't even been interested in throwing my money away at the mall until fairly recently.

I wouldn't say it was because I'm Christian (since I'm not quite - but that's a another long story). I wouldn't say, either, that it's because I haven't had the opportunities (I have). I can't say that I've never thought about it, because I have been interested, curious, and intrigued. I'm not (that) innocent. I know my share of filth, for better or for worse. But, in the end, a lot of why I'm mostly a good girl is just because of the way I was raised.

In the same way that I don't understand people who don't wipe down their stove after cooking, or don't feel a need to wash dishes immediately after dinner, or don't get up early (okay I understand them, I just won't be one of them) - I was raised to not find consuming large quantities of alcohol fun, and smoking has always been an unspoken no. Drugs have never even been a question. Wild nights out? My parents sleep early. I thought I was being rebellious enough staying up 'til midnight.

Obviously I've grown since leaving home for college, and for law school. I've widened my horizons, gotten some more experiences, figured out what I want and what I don't. And I still don't want to smoke or try drugs or sleep around. So it's good to know that I'm finding part of myself. I don't judge others that do - that's their life and their choices. I don't live the way they do not because I think I'm better than them, but because those are choices I chose differently. That's all there is. And it may to be my own detriment but, well, that's okay. I'm still me and I that's all I can ever be.

I think the point of this is that I'm mostly a good girl, I know it, and I'm okay with it. Typically. Every once in a while I wonder what it'd be like if I let myself go wild, if I crossed the line and maybe let myself make some stupid decisions and just roll with the punches, deal with the consequences...

I don't think I've ever. And that makes me wish I could, maybe just once. Maybe just this once.

It comes down to a question of risk-assessment, and I've always played cautiously. I wonder if that will ever change.

resolving to just like it as it is

Give it a week and I'll be over this. Distance puts things in perspective, and I regain enough sanity to realize I blow things out of proportion. Way to melodramatize your life, Mei.

Cute. Life is cute. Let's just go from here, crack down, get work done, and let things go as they will. I'll do as T says and enjoy the feelings as they come, and not dwell too much or do anything stupid (as per C's advice). Life is beautiful. Make these memories, live them.

(Wow, kind of a whore, huh?

I'm joking. Mostly.)

New SJ album coming out on the 12th! Teaser sounds ridiculously awful, but I'm looking forward to it anyway. Lots of work to be done this week...

(I don't know why I'm even thinking about trust when there's nothing to even be skeptical about.)

All right. I'm going shopping this week, and meeting up with people for coffee, because that's the cool and adult thing to do.

i can't begin to explain this

I'm so fucked.

WHY IS THIS MY LIFE. What the hell is this horrible, disgusting trend of mine? UGH.

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T EVEN KNOW.

When did I turn into this kind of person? How did my life end up like this? I never meant for anything to turn out like this, wtf.

What the fuck.

This is why I need spring break right now. I need the distance from STL and my fucked-up overdramatic headache of a life.

"smitten with life"

E told me I was smitten with life tonight. It made me smile.

It made me spend ten minutes searching for a picture that might appropriately express that joie de vivre to no avail. I'm sure there are photos that could celebrate life like that, expressive in their very nature, but I couldn't find them. Maybe I'm not looking hard enough. Maybe I just don't care enough, because even though a picture is a worth a thousand words - sometimes I'd rather have those thousand words.

Not just any thousand words, mind you, but something beautiful. Meaningful. Evocative and perfect, capturing everything you feel and believe, that rush of emotion carrying you into being smitten with life.

Take every moment of your life and turn it into a memory. Cooking, eating, laughing, joking, talking, wishing, waiting, hoping, believing that there's something more than this, that this is everything you'll ever need, that this moment will be remembered forever.

Take these words, and turn them into something that will last forever.

Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart. ~William Wordsworth

There are so many good quotes on writing. There are so many ways to live life through these words, but I have to remember that there is more than just these words too. Live life, don't just watch it pass by and record it. Lose yourself in it. Find yourself speechless sometimes, and just swim in it, drown in it.

Be in love with life. At least once in a while.