they say take a chance...

눈이 부셔 부셔 부셔
숨이 막혀 막혀 막혀
내가 미쳐 미쳐 baby~

So I'm a good girl. I've pretty much always known this and I think I've come to terms with it, to a point where I'm comfortable with it and not seeking to rebel.

I don't smoke. I'm not a big drinker. I can probably count on my fingers the number of times I drank underage. I like going clubbing on occasion, but not every weekend. I've never tried drugs and have no interest in doing so. I haven't slept around. I haven't even been interested in throwing my money away at the mall until fairly recently.

I wouldn't say it was because I'm Christian (since I'm not quite - but that's a another long story). I wouldn't say, either, that it's because I haven't had the opportunities (I have). I can't say that I've never thought about it, because I have been interested, curious, and intrigued. I'm not (that) innocent. I know my share of filth, for better or for worse. But, in the end, a lot of why I'm mostly a good girl is just because of the way I was raised.

In the same way that I don't understand people who don't wipe down their stove after cooking, or don't feel a need to wash dishes immediately after dinner, or don't get up early (okay I understand them, I just won't be one of them) - I was raised to not find consuming large quantities of alcohol fun, and smoking has always been an unspoken no. Drugs have never even been a question. Wild nights out? My parents sleep early. I thought I was being rebellious enough staying up 'til midnight.

Obviously I've grown since leaving home for college, and for law school. I've widened my horizons, gotten some more experiences, figured out what I want and what I don't. And I still don't want to smoke or try drugs or sleep around. So it's good to know that I'm finding part of myself. I don't judge others that do - that's their life and their choices. I don't live the way they do not because I think I'm better than them, but because those are choices I chose differently. That's all there is. And it may to be my own detriment but, well, that's okay. I'm still me and I that's all I can ever be.

I think the point of this is that I'm mostly a good girl, I know it, and I'm okay with it. Typically. Every once in a while I wonder what it'd be like if I let myself go wild, if I crossed the line and maybe let myself make some stupid decisions and just roll with the punches, deal with the consequences...

I don't think I've ever. And that makes me wish I could, maybe just once. Maybe just this once.

It comes down to a question of risk-assessment, and I've always played cautiously. I wonder if that will ever change.