只要能让你开心我什么都愿意

我听见你的声音
有种特别的感觉

I was in a place where everything you did annoyed me for some inexplicable reason. Then everything changed, as they are wont to. Now I'm in a place where I think I'll be okay again. There is such a thing as "growth" but it's so much easier to talk about hypothetically, logically, than truthfully to my life.

I miss home. I miss A. I want to catch up and see how everyone is. I want to visit UNC campus again, while classes are still ongoing, and see what life is like now that I'm gone. I'd like to see K, C, V. I should have bought tickets home for spring break for earlier, but now it's too late to change them.

I need also to plan if L can come visit me the week of her spring break. Where will she stay? I want it to happen.

如果真的有一天
爱情理想会实现
我会加倍努力好好对你永远不改变

There are a lot of things I want. I'm back in this place and I just feel so wistful.

more than just this

You should never define yourself solely by your accomplishment. Nor should you ever define yourself by other people's accomplishments.

It's so easy to feel as though you are just not good enough, but - I just realize I always do this. I always write in second person when I'm feeling particularly discouraged, as if to distance myself from my failure.

I should never define myself solely by my accomplishments. Nor should I ever define myself by other people's accomplishments. I am more than an aggregation of my academic achievements. I will step away from believing that I am not good enough.

It's a hard world that gets to define what is good, what is enough, but they can quantify only my accomplishments. I am more than that. They cannot judge me on my worth.

I am more than this.

there should've been a picture, but i was lazy

I think I've forgotten how to blog. Then again, did I ever really know how? How do you make a blog post interesting? Use pictures! People of my generation have short attention spans, due to TV and the internet; we are all about instant gratification. Perhaps I should also tell jokes, rapidfire. Sadly, I am not so clever.

But I'm happy because I finished my brief! It's not the best thing ever and probably not even my best work, but it does have a lot of effort put into it, and I'm happy that I finished before the early hours of the morning. I'm frankly tired of staring at it and at my laptop. I swear my eyesight gets exponentially worse during the weekends before I have big LP assignments due.

I will endeavor to make more blog posts while happy and positive. One thing in particular that's pleased me this weekend is watching Eddie Izzard on Youtube. He is a gloriously funny British comedian (who crossdresses). I love his accent and his sound effects and facial expressions; he can have me laughing so hard I can't breathe, but it's worth it. He also had a cameo role in Ocean's 11 (or was that 12...13...? I forget). It reminds me that I want to watch that movie again, because it is beautifully delicious. I like hot men in nice suits pulling cons/heists. What can I say? I'm shallow and female. Give me a break.

I always feel like rewarding myself after finishing up a big LP assignment, and I think this week I will bake cupcakes with Tina (aww, we might be roommates next year! This is exciting to me! I hope we find a nice place to live) and either going to a bookstore or to the mall. I've felt a need to acquire more pink clothes. I need to become the ultimate stereotypical girl, or something. Or just pnk looks good on me. Whatever. Too bad there are so few pastel pink things out there, at least ones that are cute. Hot pink and fuschia seem to be in fashion, and they're just...not quite as flattering.

I think I just lost interest in this post. I guess I'm done for now.

retraction // modification

Never mind. I'm manning up! I'll sleep a lot and then take on this thing called life.

« insert inspirational song lyrics here »

making a statement

FUCK YOU.

apologies

오 너무 너무 예뻐 맘이 너무 예뻐
첫 눈에 반해서 꼭 집은걸

I'm ill, which I hate. I haven't been this sick in probably three or four years. I ache and feel bloated and fat, and it sucks. I should man up and do my best though. Sorry for the constant complaints and whining. I'm sure I've gotten on someone's nerves.

14 love letters

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! ♥

Fourteen love letters.

01
We've drifted apart somewhat, but that's only to be expected, with the physical distance separating us. It's okay, though. I don't think we need to be in constant communication with each other to still care. I guess this is part of what growing up is about. I hope you know that no matter where life takes you, I will always love you for who you are, same and different from the person that I am. You will live your own life and I will live mine, but there will always be something that ties us together, and I'm grateful for that. It's this thing we call friendship.

02
"I was too young to see that you were always there for me." Thank you for everything you've done for me, everything you've given up and struggled over. I didn't appreciate it when I was younger but I hope that as I grow up, as I mature, I come to truly appreciate you the way I should. No matter what differences in our world perspectives, I am yours, and I love you. I will do everything I can to make you proud and happy. Thank you for wanting the best for me.

03
You take care of me and you make me laugh; I feel so comfortable with you. I feel like I can ask you for advice, talk to you about anything, joke with you about stupid things. You are truly the older sister I never had, but to have you now makes me feel incredibly lucky. I'm so glad that you're in my life, and I hope to be whatever you need me to be, in return. We can take on this life and make something positive out of it.

04
You, on the other hand, are the little sister I never had. I have a number of friends I care for and give advice to, but you somehow fill the role better than any of them. Sometimes I don't know what to do with you, and sometimes I don't know what advice I can give to help - but I will always listen, and I will always care. Thank you for trusting me enough to turn to me when you need someone. When you're down, remember that you're one of my most important people (perhaps surprisingly). I love you, so take care of yourself, okay?

05
We haven't talked as much this semester, but I understand what life is like. We drown in our respective academic careers, not usually by choice, but often enough because we share the same priorities and hopes. Know that I understand, so don't ever worry if time has lapsed into weeks before we catch up. Know, too, that if you want, I will cheerfully listen to anecdotes about your life, or complaints, or anything, because you're - I don't know quite what you are. Good friend, practically sister, someone I trust and admire and love deeply. Come see me this semester.

06
I don't know how exactly to define how I feel about you, except that you are definitely one of my closest friends. You may even be one of my best friends. I feel completely comfortable talking about my worst fears and ugliest insecurities, as well as what I want out of life. But I am also constantly stupid and silly around you too, joking and teasing and being ridiculous. I feel incredibly myself around you, which is not true of all my friendships. So...thanks for that, I guess. For being you. I hope you feel the same way, and I hope it lasts forever. :) Pretending to be something I'm not has never worked out well for me.

07
You're a combination of young and old for me, a combination of naivety that doesn't quite yet get it just because you haven't had the life experiences yet (but I don't mean this in a patronizing way at all, because I'm much the same - I know I'm sheltered and "innocent" in many respects to life at large) and the ability to understand the intricacies of human relationships. You have your priorities in order, I think. At least, the most important of them. They will guide your life, so I don't really worry about you. You will grow up and learn and be successful, because you know what's important. Also, I love you. I love talking to you and I miss that, but I understand. And it will be okay regardless, because we're us.

08
For all that I constantly talk about how much I dislike you, I know you have qualities I admire. I know people like you for a reason. Hell, I like you, and there are reasons for that too. I think you do know what's important in life, which I fiercely support. I think you care deeply about people, which is generally admirable, even if it occasionally causes you stress and unhappiness. I think you try (maybe not hard enough), but at least you try. Remember what's important and what's not; remember that you need to take time off and enjoy life (make memories), but remember that the priorities need to be put first. You know what you want in life, so get out there and work for it.

09
I love the way you make me laugh. I love the way you make me smile. I love your singing, your talent, your hard work. I love the way you're familiar and beautiful and a reminder of some of the best times of my life. I love you for showing me what some of the most important things in life are. Thank you.

10
I don't know how many times or how many ways I can say this, but you are incredible. You're one of the people I admire most in the world because of the way you live your life: you're so intelligent and observant. You narrate extremely well. You're thoughtful. You're creative. You can make something out of your life, and I will be glad to know you. I'm glad we're keeping in touch and I hope it will always be true; distance will never separate us, because I will make every effort to close those distances. You're another person I feel like I can tell everything, no matter how different we are (and we are quite different). I hope we will never lose this. I will not let us ever lose this. Now come back to me. :)

11
I don't know if we'll ever be best friends, but you know what? I like you a lot. I like spending time with you. I like joking with you and teasing each other. I think we share a lot of the same interests and values, and you're a lot of fun. There's no need for us to be BFF - we each have people in our lives who are incredibly important. I think it's okay for us to just be what we are: good friends.

12
I told you everything I thought, good and bad, for two years. You listened. You talked. I listened. This is something that establishes a firm friendship. It's harder this year, since I'm far away, but I do still care. I hope you realize that. I may not be enough, and I can't do everything, but I hope I can still do (be) something. And it is always, always awesome that you understand my unadulterated passion for UNC basketball. That is one thing we will always have, easy.

13
You and I have a lot of memories. We have a lot of history. We have a lot of firsts and a lot empty space between us, in terms of time and space. I don't think it changes the fact that we're important to each other though; I hope not. What I say here can apply to so many people, because it's true in all respects: we grow apart, we grow up, but we don't stop caring. I think that's the most important part. You have overcome so much - I admire you so deeply for it. In your place, I don't know what I would have done. I count myself lucky in so many ways, to not have to go through the same things you have, but also to know you and your strength. I love you and I'm proud of you. Thank you also for helping me through some of my more difficult times.

14
I love your smile. I love your style. I love your intelligence and humor and elitism. I love you for spending time with me, for letting me get to know you. I love you for giving me memories, for helping me as a writer, for developing my sense of humor, for giving me an opportunity to critique. We may never be best friends, but you'll always be a part of my life, an important part of shaping who I am now. Let's keep in touch.

i love you only for your looks

Sometimes certain words just look incredibly pretty to me - aesthetically pleasing, if you will. It's the logophile in me.

Today's word of choice: spontaneity.

I really like the way "a" and "e" look together (or near each other) in words, but sometimes it can feel too...fat. Round. Set and sedentary. I don't know how to describe it (okay, I suck as a logophile). "i"s seem slimmer and more graceful, delicate, and the the "ity" sets off the "ane" well, I think. Plus the lower extensions of "p" and "y" set off the higher extension of the "t" - it's well-balanced.

A quick aside: Another gorgeous, gorgeous word is "heechul". Well, it's a name, and it's Korean, but it's not nearly as gorgeous in Korean as it is romanized. (Though I do like the meaning behind the name.) But it has to be kept lowercase, and it looks particularly lovely when the stems of the "h" and the "l" are elongated. It looks good too in calligraphy or cursive, serif or sans serif. I'm such a geek, but I don't care.

kim heechul

I could write a treatise on why this man is singularly amazing, but the breadth of his presence and personality is beyond words. (Why I love him speaks again to my admiration and envy of those who can be so fearlessly themselves, so confident and almost cocky, but with fierce loyalty and depth of care.)

As a note of closure, suet is such a pretty word. It's unfortunate that its meaning is so disgusting. Duet will have to serve as a substitution.

i'm sorry i can't say it to your face

01. I know we're not that close, but way to shaft me. It hurts, and we might've been good friends, but now I don't really want to bother. Just go ahead and hang out with my friends, whatever. I think I'll just be antisocial for life. But also: fuck you. I don't care whether or not it was intentional, it was still a shitty thing to do. God, I'm in a pissy mood.

02. I like you a lot, I really do. I just don't think we have that much in common - which usually wouldn't stop me, but we just don't seem to have much to talk about. We don't really hang out. You're closer to other people and I'm okay with that. Really.

03. I like you when you're not being cute with the guys. Or trying to be cute. I don't know what it is, but that really rubs me the wrong way. Outside of that though, I think you're great. You're fun to hang out with and talk to, except I suppose when you get incredibly stressed. But that happens to all of us. I think the hardest part is dealing with my own anxieties. Sometimes I think I'm afraid you'll replace me.

04. Distance has put some things in perspective for me, and that perspective is telling me that you're young and we don't really have that much in common. I should tell you to live out your glamorous life now while you can, but I don't really want to, since you're doing it already, and being a bit supercilious about it too. I gotta say it: you're not anywhere close to my favorite person at the moment.

05. I miss you.

06. You're my favorite. You've done so much to help me, but you've shown me that you're not infallible either. You're vulnerable, too, despite seeming like you can solve the world's problems. I love you. Thank you.

07. I guess we were never really best friends; it was more a matter of convenience. I guess I'm okay with that. I still like you a lot and I still think we're, well, pretty good friends.

08. Sometimes I really love you. Sometimes I think you just don't get it. But what can I do? To each his or her own. You have to live and learn.

09. I just want to make you proud, but I'm always afraid I won't be good enough. You've worked so hard and I don't know how I can begin to pay everything back. On the other hand, though, there are times when I feel like you will never quite understand me, or where I'm coming from. But I suppose that doesn't change too much in the grand scheme of things. The important things remain.

10. I like you least of everyone I've ever met. I think you're weak, and useless, and you try but not hard enough. I think you rationalize away things to make yourself feel better when deep down you know it's not the case. It's pretty sad to watch, really. I do like some things about you, but there's so much I don't like about you that I...I'm just confused when other people like you. What do they see? Maybe they just don't see enough. Maybe if you change, one day you'll be good enough. You do have some good points. Work on those.

don't try to justify this

I don't have the right to feel this way.

Semantics matter.

such is this beautiful life

I am sincerely and genuinely happy for L, because I love her a lot and she deserves this. I'm not the least bit envious, or bitter, and to be able to say that makes me happy. I just hope nothing spoils this for her, because she shouldn't deserve to feel bad for doing well, and for getting this.

Despite not having been selected for the Africa program, I don't feel as stressed out as I could be. I honestly believe everything will work out. Things will be okay. I'm doing the best I can, and I am willing to believe that it will be enough.

Life has its ups and downs, but such is life. I take it as it comes and I have to learn to like it, to love it, because I do, I love my life and its joys and sorrows and struggles and disappointments. This is what life is about.

I'm an introvert and I need time on my own to recharge, but too much time on my own is not a good idea either. I love people. I truly care about other people. Spending time with them makes me happy and reminds me that I have a lot (so much) to be grateful for. Positive energy is contagious and uplifting, and it's a good feeling.

I sincerely and genuinely believe things will be okay. For me. For us. For this thing we call life.

(I will miss you. I really, really will, and sometimes that makes me sad. I know I made the right decision in the end, though. So believe in me, and in this. It will be okay.)

It's not selfish to live a life that will make you happy. What makes me happy is what makes you (my family), and you (my friends), and you (myself) happy.

Be happy. Live your life so that you can be.

Everything will be all right.