When people tell me they admire me, I feel like a fraud. They don't know how hard it is sometimes and how much I want to give up. C says she's proud of me for keeping on, despite the struggles. She doesn't know the struggles. She doesn't know that keeping on is merely inertia, not strength of will. I don't know how to stop.
When I see how scared other people are, I feel like a fraud. They have real worries and real fears. They face things I have never or will never, and I should be grateful. They face things I've gone through myself, but I don't know what to say because it's not like I've overcome my own fears. How can I give comfort or advice?
I feel like a fraud either way. I wish I were brave enough to carry on through, one way or the other. I'm afraid of this gray area and narrow space, tunnel vision to the ground because I'm too scared to look back or look forward.
I feel like I don't deserve the right to be afraid, because I'm a fraud.
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