Everyone who knows me well should know the two things that define and shape me as a person, that guide me through my life:
(1) My culture and heritage. I'm Chinese, and it matters. I'm proud of that. No matter how much I love and admire the U.S., no matter how interested I am in Korean or Japanese culture, my family and my roots are in China. It will always--taste like, sound like, feel like--be home.
(2) My family. I want to make my parents proud, and to take care of them when they're older. I always wish I could do more. They've raised me to believe I can always work harder, do better, be more. It can be discouraging at times, but I want to be the best daughter and sister that I can be.
I'd like to think people who know me know this about me; that they acknowledge it, recognize it, appreciate it. I'd like to think they respect me for it.
This is who I am. These are two unchangeable parts of who I am, integral and eternal.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
it's all about the here and now
Today, my brother turned 12. I called him and wished him a happy birthday. My mom told me she'd bought the ingredients to make me one of my favorite meals when I got home. ♥ I love my family. It will be good to go home. Living in St. Louis and going to law school here has probably been the longest I've been from home; around four months now that I haven't seen my family. I've been okay and not unhappily homesick, but there have been occasions where I've missed the familiarity of family, and it will be nice to go back.
Today, I finished my first semester as a law student. Property was not as disastrous as it could've been, for which I'm grateful. We'll see how my grades turn out, but at this point, I'm just ecstatic to be done. There's still a lot I need to do over break in terms of applying to jobs and working on my writing sample, but I'll still have time to do relaxing things. And at least I won't have to worry about classes or exams for the next two weeks.
Today, I had dinner with some incredibly lovely and fantastic (my favorite!) people as an early celebration of L's birthday. I love them all and I'm so happy to have found them here in STL. I'm especially grateful to L for what she's been to me - close friend, older sister, almost mother at times. She is definitely one to remember. I wish I knew what to get her for her birthday that could even begin to indicate how thankful I am for her and how much I appreciate her.
Today, I have cleaned! It is incredibly de-stressing and a great way to feel accomplished. You see immediate results and you feel as though your hard work were justified, rewarding, and worthwhile. All good stuff.
Today, I'm happy. :)
Today, I finished my first semester as a law student. Property was not as disastrous as it could've been, for which I'm grateful. We'll see how my grades turn out, but at this point, I'm just ecstatic to be done. There's still a lot I need to do over break in terms of applying to jobs and working on my writing sample, but I'll still have time to do relaxing things. And at least I won't have to worry about classes or exams for the next two weeks.
Today, I had dinner with some incredibly lovely and fantastic (my favorite!) people as an early celebration of L's birthday. I love them all and I'm so happy to have found them here in STL. I'm especially grateful to L for what she's been to me - close friend, older sister, almost mother at times. She is definitely one to remember. I wish I knew what to get her for her birthday that could even begin to indicate how thankful I am for her and how much I appreciate her.
Today, I have cleaned! It is incredibly de-stressing and a great way to feel accomplished. You see immediate results and you feel as though your hard work were justified, rewarding, and worthwhile. All good stuff.
Today, I'm happy. :)
Saturday, December 13, 2008
can you cry on cue?
Some things that have made me want to cry tonight:
My dad is so proud of me. He does it the Asian parent way: always comparing you to someone else's kid, always saying you could've done this or that better - at least to your face. As soon as you're gone, he's bragging about you to everyone he knows. My mom has mentioned this to me twice now, and it breaks my heart, because I'm happy that he can be proud of me, that I've given him something to brag about. But I also feel like I don't deserve it and that I should be working so much harder to achieve so much more than I have.
My brother suffers in part from my not being around because all he gets from my parents is the typical "do better, try harder, fix this, why are you like this, everyone else is better" lectures from my parents, and on top of that, also gets to hear my dad sing my praises to other people. He feels unloved, unappreciated. I wish I knew how to tell him how smart he is. He is much smarter than I was at that age. (I was better with people though; he ought to work on his social skills.) He has a lot to be proud of - it's just a matter of learning to understand and deal with Chinese parents. They're proud of him too.
I miss my mom's cooking, as cliché as that is.
M emailed me with a picture of her new hair in China. I miss her. It feels like it's been so long since I've seen her properly. I don't want to grow apart, but sometimes I feel like I don't deserve her. I'm too frivolous.
T is a really sweet, really understanding boyfriend. I don't know what I've done to deserve him.
Other M, shut up. The things you've said, I already know, and they're the last things I need to hear. You just come off supercilious and sort of patronizing. It's aggravating in the worst way, because I've never judged you that way. Please don't do it to me.
I feel like shit, physically. I hope I don't get sick.
My dad is so proud of me. He does it the Asian parent way: always comparing you to someone else's kid, always saying you could've done this or that better - at least to your face. As soon as you're gone, he's bragging about you to everyone he knows. My mom has mentioned this to me twice now, and it breaks my heart, because I'm happy that he can be proud of me, that I've given him something to brag about. But I also feel like I don't deserve it and that I should be working so much harder to achieve so much more than I have.
My brother suffers in part from my not being around because all he gets from my parents is the typical "do better, try harder, fix this, why are you like this, everyone else is better" lectures from my parents, and on top of that, also gets to hear my dad sing my praises to other people. He feels unloved, unappreciated. I wish I knew how to tell him how smart he is. He is much smarter than I was at that age. (I was better with people though; he ought to work on his social skills.) He has a lot to be proud of - it's just a matter of learning to understand and deal with Chinese parents. They're proud of him too.
I miss my mom's cooking, as cliché as that is.
M emailed me with a picture of her new hair in China. I miss her. It feels like it's been so long since I've seen her properly. I don't want to grow apart, but sometimes I feel like I don't deserve her. I'm too frivolous.
T is a really sweet, really understanding boyfriend. I don't know what I've done to deserve him.
Other M, shut up. The things you've said, I already know, and they're the last things I need to hear. You just come off supercilious and sort of patronizing. It's aggravating in the worst way, because I've never judged you that way. Please don't do it to me.
I feel like shit, physically. I hope I don't get sick.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
is it fear that drives us?
I could take this time to complain about law school again, and how I feel completely unprepared for my exams, but why reiterate the same old same old? I should take on a more positive, proactive attitude. I can handle this. I will take my exams and do well on them.
Or just, you know, get the median. Whatever. At this point, it's hard to keep upbeat and hopeful about the entire ordeal. At this point, I just want a job.
The hardest thing is that my parents will only ever see and care about the grades. It will always be about rank.
I'm trying to do Christmas cards to cheerful (sometimes Christmas) music in an effort to keep my spirits up, but I'm not entirely sure it's working. I'm not sure when the holidays have lost their spark for me this year. I blame law school, honestly; it's sapped me of joy, creativity, energy, etc.
It would have been better to have been a science major coming into law school. They're better at step-by-step logical analysis and have the advantage in the IP field. Sometimes I feel like everything I've done in my life is pretty much worthless.
Oh wait, there I go, being negative and pessimistic again...
I have to keep fighting. Keep trying. A part of me knows I can do this. I can take my exams and pass them, get a job for the summer, come back for another 2.5 semesters, get a secure job. I know I can. I will have a future.
But it wars with the other part of me that says not good enough and points out how much easier it would be to just give up.
I won't give in though. It has less to do with my strength or my courage or my determination, perseverance, or ability to overcome obstacles.
When it comes down to it, I keep going because I'm too afraid to stop and to fail. To have nothing and be nothing.
So let's keep fighting.
Didn't I used to have more cheerful entries? It's hard to tell at this point.
Or just, you know, get the median. Whatever. At this point, it's hard to keep upbeat and hopeful about the entire ordeal. At this point, I just want a job.
The hardest thing is that my parents will only ever see and care about the grades. It will always be about rank.
I'm trying to do Christmas cards to cheerful (sometimes Christmas) music in an effort to keep my spirits up, but I'm not entirely sure it's working. I'm not sure when the holidays have lost their spark for me this year. I blame law school, honestly; it's sapped me of joy, creativity, energy, etc.
It would have been better to have been a science major coming into law school. They're better at step-by-step logical analysis and have the advantage in the IP field. Sometimes I feel like everything I've done in my life is pretty much worthless.
Oh wait, there I go, being negative and pessimistic again...
I have to keep fighting. Keep trying. A part of me knows I can do this. I can take my exams and pass them, get a job for the summer, come back for another 2.5 semesters, get a secure job. I know I can. I will have a future.
But it wars with the other part of me that says not good enough and points out how much easier it would be to just give up.
I won't give in though. It has less to do with my strength or my courage or my determination, perseverance, or ability to overcome obstacles.
When it comes down to it, I keep going because I'm too afraid to stop and to fail. To have nothing and be nothing.
So let's keep fighting.
Didn't I used to have more cheerful entries? It's hard to tell at this point.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
(a material girl) living in a material world
So I've recently realized that I'm one of Those Girls Female Main Characters Hate. You know how female main characters, heroines, are usually Different? How they're typically not popular (though not always a total outcast), and have all these atypical or underappreciated traits that make them just unique enough or different enough from the crowd to be special? So special that few people recognize just how special they are, until the Right Friend or Right Romantic Interest comes along?
These heroines: they're typically headstrong, or like sports, or just don't get femininity, or have suffered some sort of great loss, or just have some perspective on life that sets them apart. Maybe they love the planet; maybe they're horribly jaded; maybe they're just incredibly smart or thoughtful or profound in ways that makes the rest of the world seem shallow and superficial.
These girls are compared to the minor female characters, one type who's girly, superficial, somewhat frivolous. These characters are not necessarily stupid or bad people: they're just less deep, more shallow, usually caring and good-hearted, just not different enough from the rest of the world to be a main character type. These minor characters are girly girls who like pink and dressing up and make-up; they're the characters who care about fashion and fix up the main character; they're the characters who can walk in heels while the main character can only look on enviously. They're the characters who are somewhat flaky, who don't have a passionate world cause (crusading for human rights or the environment, for instance), who like sappy romantic comedies, not cult films or off-the-beat comedy or bloodbath action.
These are girls who are smart but not going anywhere with it. These are girls who just don't stand out. These are girls who are like so many other girls in the world.
And it's weird to realize that I'm one of these girls.
I think every girl always imagines she's the star of her life; if someone wrote a story, she'd be the main character: the special one, the different one, the one who matters and is somehow different from everyone else.
Sometimes, it's really just not that way. It's true that we're all different from everyone else, that we all have admirable qualities. Being mainstream and conformist and "just like everyone else" doesn't negate the sincerity of your emotions or lessen the importance of your beliefs. It just means...well, it means you're not a main character. You're not that special. You're pretty ordinary, pretty average.
That...I tell myself that doesn't have to be a bad thing. It's not. You are better able to relate to others when you have similar experiences. But it's still unsettling, uncomfortable, to come to terms with.
You're not that smart. You're not driven. You're not that profound. You're not that anything.
You love and you care and you worry and you try, just like everyone else. But you're a little ditzy, not as up-to-date on politics as you might like; you're a little shallow, because you like heels and skirts and the color pink; you're a little girly, because you cry at Disney movies and want to have someone to hold you and love you and grow old with you. You're not that independent, or that amazing, or that unique.
But, you think, you're still pretty special - because of all the people who know you and love, despite you not being that Unique and Different Heroine; and because of all the people you know and love in return.
No one is forgettable or replaceable, because of the relationships they've built around them.
So maybe I'm okay with being a material, typical, minor-character kind of girl.
It could be worse.
I could be the Unique Main Character with no friends.
These heroines: they're typically headstrong, or like sports, or just don't get femininity, or have suffered some sort of great loss, or just have some perspective on life that sets them apart. Maybe they love the planet; maybe they're horribly jaded; maybe they're just incredibly smart or thoughtful or profound in ways that makes the rest of the world seem shallow and superficial.
These girls are compared to the minor female characters, one type who's girly, superficial, somewhat frivolous. These characters are not necessarily stupid or bad people: they're just less deep, more shallow, usually caring and good-hearted, just not different enough from the rest of the world to be a main character type. These minor characters are girly girls who like pink and dressing up and make-up; they're the characters who care about fashion and fix up the main character; they're the characters who can walk in heels while the main character can only look on enviously. They're the characters who are somewhat flaky, who don't have a passionate world cause (crusading for human rights or the environment, for instance), who like sappy romantic comedies, not cult films or off-the-beat comedy or bloodbath action.
These are girls who are smart but not going anywhere with it. These are girls who just don't stand out. These are girls who are like so many other girls in the world.
And it's weird to realize that I'm one of these girls.
I think every girl always imagines she's the star of her life; if someone wrote a story, she'd be the main character: the special one, the different one, the one who matters and is somehow different from everyone else.
Sometimes, it's really just not that way. It's true that we're all different from everyone else, that we all have admirable qualities. Being mainstream and conformist and "just like everyone else" doesn't negate the sincerity of your emotions or lessen the importance of your beliefs. It just means...well, it means you're not a main character. You're not that special. You're pretty ordinary, pretty average.
That...I tell myself that doesn't have to be a bad thing. It's not. You are better able to relate to others when you have similar experiences. But it's still unsettling, uncomfortable, to come to terms with.
You're not that smart. You're not driven. You're not that profound. You're not that anything.
You love and you care and you worry and you try, just like everyone else. But you're a little ditzy, not as up-to-date on politics as you might like; you're a little shallow, because you like heels and skirts and the color pink; you're a little girly, because you cry at Disney movies and want to have someone to hold you and love you and grow old with you. You're not that independent, or that amazing, or that unique.
But, you think, you're still pretty special - because of all the people who know you and love, despite you not being that Unique and Different Heroine; and because of all the people you know and love in return.
No one is forgettable or replaceable, because of the relationships they've built around them.
So maybe I'm okay with being a material, typical, minor-character kind of girl.
It could be worse.
I could be the Unique Main Character with no friends.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
all in or all out
Oh my god, do I love Google or what? First, there's Google Labs that allows me to add my Google Calendar and Docs to Gmail, which makes my life. Then there are the awesome new themes, because I am all about color-coding my life. But best of all, Google has a To Do List feature that I can add to my iGoogle homepage. I think I'm too thrilled for words: Google, you have totally won me over to you for life.
It's that time of year again, too: time to break out my Christmas music. I love the holidays; they're the saving grace of finals period. The music keeps me sane throughout all the studying and the stress and the panic. Oddly enough, I've also brought out my Disney music, which is relentlessly cheering and leaves me with the urge to rewatch my favorite Disney movies again.
I'm back to owning six versions of Carol of the Bells; last year, I had at least twelve, possibly fifteen. I still need to acquire Sleigh Bells, though.
This music keeps me happy while I outline and write my memo. It makes me so much less likely to get to the point of being so stressed out that I snap at people or am unreasonably unapproachable. I like to think I'm generally in a good mood (unless I feel like tacos; but I guess I am more prone to that than to getting angry or confrontational).
I'm an unmitigated sap, and I'm okay with that.
It's that time of year again, too: time to break out my Christmas music. I love the holidays; they're the saving grace of finals period. The music keeps me sane throughout all the studying and the stress and the panic. Oddly enough, I've also brought out my Disney music, which is relentlessly cheering and leaves me with the urge to rewatch my favorite Disney movies again.
I'm back to owning six versions of Carol of the Bells; last year, I had at least twelve, possibly fifteen. I still need to acquire Sleigh Bells, though.
This music keeps me happy while I outline and write my memo. It makes me so much less likely to get to the point of being so stressed out that I snap at people or am unreasonably unapproachable. I like to think I'm generally in a good mood (unless I feel like tacos; but I guess I am more prone to that than to getting angry or confrontational).
I'm an unmitigated sap, and I'm okay with that.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
you can fly - higher
They say start fresh, start again. This is a new beginning, a blank slate. Try once more to recreate your life, to build up the pieces of who you are, only this time you can arrange it carefully, as you want.
This is your life. It is in your hands. Take it: do something with it. Create, mold, shape, transform - this is you, your life, let it go and fall to pieces and put it all back together again, in your image, in your will. Your every wish.
But sometimes it's hard to take that breath or that plunge. Sometimes it's terrifying to let it go, to trust that it will be okay, that you will be okay, that things will come together again. It's hard to let go of the past and not be a little, a lot, scared of the future. (因为爱还是未知的未来?)
That is why I cling to the past sometimes, why it's hard to let go of memories or who I used to be, even if they are not all good memories or everything I wanted to be. There may have been failures, disappointments, sadness, anger - but it was mine, it was me, it was (most importantly) familiar. That's why it's easy to miss the friends I had, why easy to make golden and simple the childhood that was never quite so, why it's easy to stay back, cautious, instead of rushing headlong into the unknown - for it could be brilliant, dazzling, profound, or it could be terrifying.
Why are you holding your breath? Why am I afraid to go, to run, to reach for the person I could maybe be? The future I could maybe have? The life that could be fuller, more interesting, more knowing, for all that I have experienced, good or bad?
How will I feel, looking back? How will I know? In the end, in the end, what really matters? When your vision blurs and when you can no longer breathe - what is really important?
I have the people to fall back on, don't I? I have every reason to push forward and try, don't I?
There is this thing called faith, and it is so much more than mere religion.
(我怕时间太快,我怕时间太慢.)
Maybe. Maybe maybe maybe.
Maybe change is something to be embraced, if you have the certainty in yourself, and the certainty in those who believe in you.
Fly, fly, get 'em up high.
This is your life. It is in your hands. Take it: do something with it. Create, mold, shape, transform - this is you, your life, let it go and fall to pieces and put it all back together again, in your image, in your will. Your every wish.
But sometimes it's hard to take that breath or that plunge. Sometimes it's terrifying to let it go, to trust that it will be okay, that you will be okay, that things will come together again. It's hard to let go of the past and not be a little, a lot, scared of the future. (因为爱还是未知的未来?)
That is why I cling to the past sometimes, why it's hard to let go of memories or who I used to be, even if they are not all good memories or everything I wanted to be. There may have been failures, disappointments, sadness, anger - but it was mine, it was me, it was (most importantly) familiar. That's why it's easy to miss the friends I had, why easy to make golden and simple the childhood that was never quite so, why it's easy to stay back, cautious, instead of rushing headlong into the unknown - for it could be brilliant, dazzling, profound, or it could be terrifying.
Why are you holding your breath? Why am I afraid to go, to run, to reach for the person I could maybe be? The future I could maybe have? The life that could be fuller, more interesting, more knowing, for all that I have experienced, good or bad?
How will I feel, looking back? How will I know? In the end, in the end, what really matters? When your vision blurs and when you can no longer breathe - what is really important?
I have the people to fall back on, don't I? I have every reason to push forward and try, don't I?
There is this thing called faith, and it is so much more than mere religion.
(我怕时间太快,我怕时间太慢.)
Maybe. Maybe maybe maybe.
Maybe change is something to be embraced, if you have the certainty in yourself, and the certainty in those who believe in you.
Fly, fly, get 'em up high.
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