gift of sunshine this Christmas

So now I'm home for the holidays, after bidding St. Louis adieu until commencement in May. I managed to return safely to NC after a harrowing 14+ hour drive, moving all my shit back with m in preparation of Singapore for the spring semester. :D Party on, dudes. Last semester is going to be so much more about food and drinking and traveling and seeing people than it is about law. But I've totally earned this, right?

Strangely, perhaps, the nostalgia hasn't hit me. It might yet, or it might wait until I'm actually back in the Lou in May before plaguing me with fond memories. I will miss seeing the people there while I'm in Singapore, of course, but for the most part I am just excited about being in a new part of the world.

Though I'm not even thinking that far ahead right now. Right now, I am focused on the holiday cruise I'm going on tomorrow with family! We're leaving out of Charleston and headed down to the Bahamas for five days. A sunny and warm Christmas, I hope, to go with the sunny and warm winter I'll be spending in Singapore. I am all up for this. Cold weather, I've had enough of you, thanks. I will not miss the cute coats and scarves all that much.

After I get back, I'll meet up with M and A at least, then be just productive enough to wrap up some last-minute things and pack for Singapore.

For now, I am looking forward to sunshine and fruity alcoholic drinks. Happy holidays!

it's like trying to ford the damn river

I've finished packing all my clothes and books (save the textbooks I plan on selling back) and have come to the conclusion that owning clothes and books is a pain in the ass. Or at at least the transportation of them is. Why has no one invented teleportation yet? Why is that not recognized as a real word? (I have many questions.) I also keep looking around and noticing things that will need to be packed that I can't currently do anything about, e.g., my lamp, my sheets/blankets/pillows, and bathroom things. Sorry, I actually sort of need those at the moment. I am legitimately concerned about whether I can shove everything into my car at this rate. If worse comes to worst though, I should be able to store some things at J's place until we can come pick it up in May. Argh, stress!

Honestly, I am much more stressed now than I was while doing exams, which is weird because 'm not actually on a deadline since I can choose when I'm leaving... Still...

I am half-afraid one of my tires is going to blow out on me while driving back, but it might be paranoia speaking. I'm taking the southerly route so there shouldn't be much if any snow (also I should be on giant interstates anyway), but (insert irrational panic) should I get my car's oil changed and get a check-up before I go?! I'm also tempted to leave at, like, 3am and just miss out on the traffic since I'm going to have to drive in the dark regardless. This way I'll end up at home earlier too.

Oh moving in the winter, I hate you. Let's never do this again.

Now I will inhale some coffee because, yeah, caffeine withdrawl headaches are a sad part of the life of an addict, i.e., me. Also I will eat some food and watch some Top Chef because it is that or have a needless stress meltdown. Option B is the wrong answer here.

catching up on catching you up

News from the exam front:

I received my score from my MPRE this week and passed comofortably: I am sufficiently ethical to practice law! Granted, that is not a very high standard. Which is probably more or less indicative of the reality of things, as I am not very ethical anyway. Ethics only get in the way! Sort of like laws. If we didn't have laws, as J said today while we were studying, we would have no crime! Easy solution. In any case, my scores were sent to NY because if I take a bar exam, it will be for NY, which is most internationally applicable (and is accepted for working in DC as well - handily done, DC; I approve).

So here is an adventure in exam-taking: yesterday's exam, Evidence, I took in the morning. It was a three hour thing with short answer and a multiple choice section - not the funnest of ways to spend three hours on a Tuesday morning, but since when is law school fun? I finished the test, pressed save+exit on my exam software, and then every student's exam nightmare became reality: ExamSoft, the exam program, blandly informs me there was an error in the saving+exiting process and that my computer would now reboot. Upon reboot, I was advised by the program to seek proctor. We have no aid to give you in your time of despair, is what the program essentially said to me, heartlessly.

The error? Your exam file can't be found!

My face? Something like D: Actually.

So I got to spend the next hour chasing down proctors, computer technicians, and the registrar, only to end up calling ExamSoft and having them remotely access my computer and alter the back-up file of my exam from the back-up format into the accepted format, then upload and submit that.

Good times were had by all.

By which I mean that once I got to lunch (an hour late), I decided this exam adventure warranted delicious sushi and some alcohol. I was successful in achieving both, at least. But it's over and it's fine: I didn't end up frantically typing made-up rules of Evidence and filling in bubbles at random for nothing.

In food news? I had some brie with fig jam on crackers a week or so ago: so fucking delicious I couldn't get it out of my head. How delicious does this look? It is about 100x more delicious to eat.



Some recipes. Yum. Get me some and I will live off this for the rest of exam period.

everything all the time, stolen from the world

This is the year I stopped writing.

forever on a path of no return

Oh, look at how good I am about maintaining a blog: abysmal. Can I lay the blame on this being my last semester here in St. Louis? 3L year is apparently hell on motivation, as in I lack any whatsoever.

Overall the semester's going fairly well, though. Dealing with the logistics of being in Singapore next semester, keeping up with Liverpool, and maintaining the utmost celebrity crush on Tom Hardy, who is too much of a paradox to exist as a real person (an amalgamation of everything I never thought I'd like in a guy but do when it's him). Also, Joseph Gordon-Levitt is highly relevant to my interests, but mostly in a shallow damn-he-looks-good-in-a-suit way.

Clearly my mind's been on law recently...

In that vein, I took October trips to visit L in DC and then to visit C in Chicago, meeting up with L and L. Good times were had. Memories were made. No law was learned. And yet I'm totally okay with that.

Just another two weeks of pretending I care about school until Thankgiving! Flying home to NC to see family and eat until I burst; looking forward to it and also HP next Friday!

coasting on these august waves

So the reason I've been so AWOL since coming back to NC is that the day after I get home, on Friday, a ton of my mom's old college roommates and classmates have come into town for a 30 year reunion type thing. She and J's dad know the same people, so it's an assortment of random Chinese people come from all over the US (Cali, Philly, STL, Toronto even...) to congregate here for the weekend to catch up and then head out to the beach for three days. So that's been busy and loud and full of Chinese! I've helped entertain some (actually exercising Chinese skills, omg, they are so rusty) and have otherwise hid out some too.

We then headed out to the beach for a week: Emerald Isle, NC. There was a house and it was full of people and the beach was lovely, the water was warm, and much food and relaxation (and mahjong) was had by all. I am now home and ridiculously tan and whining about skin cancer to all who will put up with me. It was a ton of fun though. FB contains all my pictures.

In some other updates -- my brother's voice has dropped! What is this growing up business, really? Still, J's little brother John (now seven, attending second grade, utterly adorable) remains my surrogate little brother. He's a total sweetheart and he makes me ridiculously happy. I sort of wish I'd been older and better able to appreciate my own brother's cuteness at that age; when he was 7, however, I was 16 and surly about him in the way of all teenage girls, I suppose. Now it's his turn to be the sullen teenager...

Also, I finally got around to reading and finishing The White Road by Lynn Flewelling and I enjoyed it much more than Shadows Return. But mostly it makes me crave the first two books of the series but I suppose I am glad that the series is continuing. I am also excited for Lorna Freeman's The Flames of Reckoning, though that will be ages before it's complete, much less out for public consumption. :(

In movie news, I watched RockNRolla, a ridiculous Guy Ritchie movie about London gangsters with British accents, heists and intrigue and action, and Tom fucking Hardy. His part was minor but I sort of rolled over in glee every single time he was on screen. He was fantastic as Handsome Bob. I wanted to hug him a lot when I didn't want to lick him, I DON'T KNOW, MY HORMONES ARE OUT OF WHACK WHEN IT COMES TO TOM HARDY. God. I want a sequel to this movie. (Or "This Means War". Right the fuck now.) On a more serious note, while Tom Hardy didn't have a huge role in the movie, I think he did a very good job acting and getting into his character. I will get on his and JGL's other movies soonish!

I was going to watch Velvet Goldmine today but instead watched EPL: Liverpool v. Arsenal. Cole got redcarded during his debut, ahh, I hope he is all right physically; Stevie played and looked absolutely fit; Nando was subbed in late in the second half and everyone sang his song (which delights me because fuck yeah TORRES TORRES); Agger might have gotten a concussion; and poor Reina scored an own goal in the 90th or so minute to equalize after a long Liverpool lead. ;__;. But I have faith in my team! And, yes, I suppose I've acceded to the fact that they are my team now. I will work on being a proper fan.

Ugh, I don't want to think about the RL I must face in a week, heading back to STL to pack and move and prep for the fall semester. This semester will be wretched busy with classes and work and Note editing and MPRE-studying (fucking ethics, how do they work) and form-filling (to hash out visas and applications and things I will need for my spring exchange to Singapore!!!).

But for now, I am content in these last vestiges of summer break.

lose yourself in a collective summer dream

Yesterday was National Cheesecake Day! So cheesecake was half off at The Cheesecake Factory - and that of course meant I had to drive over and pick up a slice, because you don't pass up a chance like that! I got fresh strawberry, which is just original with strawberries & whipped cream and it was like a little piece of culinary heaven. I have low standards, whatever. :D I'm also craving TCF's Jamaican black pepper shrimp like a mofo, but the crowds at the restaurant yesterday were out of control crazy: because it was Friday night, of course, but also because of the 1/2 price cheesecake. I'll get my shrimp another day...

I watched the first episode of the BBC's new series Sherlock last night. Modern day Sherlock Holmes, and it was fun! It makes me want to reread the Sherlock Holmes books and dive back into mystery books; I can't remember a lot of the Agatha Christie I've read, so let's do that...

Unrelated to that: on Tuesday, I met up with J and H and C at the MUNY (outdoor ampitheater - is that redundant?) to watch a production of The Sound of Music.

It was lovely. ♥ Okay, it was hot and muggy as hell, but the production itself was lovely. I loved the sets and sort of wish I'd done theater in school, ever... But the singers were all very good and very reminiscent of the movie. It also brought back all these memories of my childhood; The Sound of Music was my mom's favorite movie and I've seen it so many times. I still have most of all the songs memorized. I remember singing them all the time.

It's also been ages since I've seen it since I've become an ~adult~, so it was with a new perspective. The duet between Maria and Captain von Trapp, Something Good, made me tear up because it's just so lovely. It was my mom's favorite song from the movie and I remember not understanding why as a kid - it was boring and slow and not full of kids being cute. Now that I'm a little more grown up, I think I have a better idea. :)

(There was also a lot of "woman belongs to man" sentiments that made me roll my eyes with my new adult perspective and knowledge, but I know what time period it's from and, yeah, nostalgia-colored glasses make me a little indulgent.)

I've also resolved that if I'm ever to write again, I will have to be drunk. The mental block is strong with me.

I have other thoughts floating around my head but I don't feel like articulating them right now. :/ I will conclude by saying that I'm feeling sort of off today - gotta have to get over that if I want to plan out my week. A dinner party with people tomorrow (jerk chicken and rum punch!), oil change appointment on Monday, gotta pack to go home, and so on...

can you feel the change in your bones?

And if your plane fell out of the skies
Who would you call with your last goodbye?
Should be so careful who we left out of our lives
And when we long for absolution, there will be no one on the line


Let's try again. Breaking it down to its simplest form: don't put life on hold to have an existential crisis about what you want. Figure it out while living your life as it is before you.

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day
To turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell 'em that we love 'em while we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we're dying


I've never been a music person. But, suddenly, it's like I'm listening again - and the words matter. (The words have always mattered though; I just wasn't paying attention.)

the future is like the ocean...

...it stretches infinitely into the horizon if only I could look past what is directly in front of me.

I'd suggest you take another look at your priorities

When someone tells you that something you do/say is racist or could very easily be construed as racist (because it is not 100% clear just what the hell you're doing; we aren't mind-readers, sorry) even if you didn't intend for the action/words to be so--

Of course, naturally, the first reaction is to gasp in outrage and exclaim vociferously that it is just so rude and hurtful that someone might be calling your, explicitly or implicitly, racist. Do people not know who you are? Of course you couldn't possibly ever be racist or say or do racist things. Being talked at like you have, or did, even unintentionally - by gods, that is just unacceptable! No one should treat you like you're ignorant.

Because being treated like you're ignorant or racist is "probably not much different than having your culture shunted for lighter skin."

Right.

The Last Airbender: a fucking disgrace.

When you choose to pay to see The Last Airbender, you are paying to support institutionalized racism. If you don't get why, ask me. If you're going to see it anyway, knowing why it's problematic, you are effectively telling me that my experiences - my feelings and stories and LIFE - as a minority are secondary to your 2 hours of whitewashed entertainment.



And now for the emotional response:

I wish people were not so fucking ignorant and lazy and would take the time to educate themselves when they see that someone is really upset about something and maybe think, hey, I should check out why they're so upset not just be like "lol why are you upset, PLEASE EXPLAIN THINGS TO ME BC I AM NOT MOTIVATED ENOUGH TO LEARN ON MY OWN". And I know I'm just angry & hurt right now, I know that if we want to really educate people on WHY SOME SHIT SUCKS we really (unfairly) have to do that reaching out, but right now I am just so fucking tired of it, tired of people wallowing lazily in their own privilege and ignorance and not taking the initiative to maybe learn some shit on their own. TLA is seriously affecting me more than I thought it would. At first it was just a cause, a signal boost, to get people aware of the problems and how not okay it was, but somehow now it's personal and hearing people's arguments defending it and accusing people who care of reverse racism and being too sensitive and dismissing our feelings & experiences & EVERYTHING - now it just hurts. I'm not just angry, I am fucking personally hurt. /over-emotional, possibly teary right now, fuck.

I sort of expect to be disappointed by everyone in the world right now, including people I AM close with. Just, fuck, it still hurts. It's personal. It's them essentially saying "I don't care about YOU", I don't think your opinions are valid, I am not going to listen to what you say because I like my ignorance or my privilege just fine.

In fact, I just got an email from some friends I was making plans to see Twilight/Eclipse with (drunkenly to mock) and they said, "Sorry to change the subject but I'll be watching TLA this weekend, if any of you want to join" and I sort of am this close to tears right now. Fuck. They're so so informed on gay rights/feminist issues, some of them ARE PoC, I can't believe they haven't heard the crap about this movie. I can't believe it. I emailed them back with links and basically begging them to not go see it but, dear God, I can't deal with this. How are people so willingly to be blind to these things? I am so upset; this is so fucking personal, and I DARE anyone to tell me not to care or not care so much or that it's not a big deal. I can't deal with this right now.

champagne apocalypse: oh god k i'm still worked up about tla right now
champagne apocalypse: angry/hurt slkghfj i don't even want to talk to people rn bc i know i wouldn't be rational
champagne apocalypse: i'd just be like SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP also FUCK YOU
champagne apocalypse: aslgdkh & that's not exactly productive
champagne apocalypse: this REALLY brings home to me how shitty the tone argument is though
champagne apocalypse: basically saying i'm not going to listen to you can't be polite & rational about it. WELL FUCK YOU this is personal, this hurts, this makes me angry and upset and emotional. thanks for trivializing that and saying i should just get over it if i want to convince you that my opinions & feelings are legitimate.

Eating lunch, taking a nap, I don't even fucking know. Don't talk to me.

don't make me promises; baby you never did know how to keep them well

My entire life is the WC right now. Well, no, not really. But it's the only part I want to talk about right now because if I focus on the other bits, I will just be depressed. Already feeling extremely "meh" physically and mentally and emotionally recently; my appetite has been fucked over and...other things. Whatever. Let's not dwell on the depressing things right now.

Ironically, of course, the first thing that I want to talk about is England's 4-1 loss to Germany.

I can't even be heartbroken because I'm too pissed. The England NT is shit and played like shit. Germany was amazing and I love them. Not only are they cute, they were also incredibly clinical and efficient, so unselfish in their playing - they passed so well and they worked together as a team. Podolski, you are so adorable. :D Özil, Schweinsteiger, Klose, Müller, Neuer, oh man - what an incredible goalkeeper. Even if you did con the ref and admit to it later. Regardless, mad props all around for Germany. They are now #2 team in my heart, right after Spain. I don't know their chances against Argentina but I am cheering for them!

Though, to be fair, the score should have been 4-2. England's second goal was clearly a goal and having it disallowed was pure crap. I still have a lot of pent-up rage about that (fucking ref, fucking FIFA) but I can't say that would have changed the outcome of the game considering how England was playing. (Really awfully.)

Always excepted from my yelling about England is Stevie G. Stevie, I'm sorry your NT sucked but I love you forever and always. ♥ He is so much class, you guys:

“If you look at the game as a whole we’ve been beaten by the better team. Had Frank’s goal counted it could have been a turning point in the game, but we can’t use that as an excuse. They’ve scored four goals and we only got one, which tells its own story.

“We made too many mistakes as a team. Germany were more organised than us and were more clinical. They got in five or six times and scored four goals so you’ve got to give them credit.”

I'm keeping up with the other matches, of course, but nothing will stress me except Spain now. They play Portugal tomorrow and I am already nerve-wracked. I am also hungry so I'm probably going to look into food instead of languishing here with further thoughts about the World Cup. I feel like I keep repeating myself anyway; there's nothing new to report! Or I am just too lazy, which is always a valid possibility.

celebres con el equipo de fútbol español~

Ahh football! There is so much I want to talk about but I guess I shouldn't constantly spam, right? But the Italy v. New Zealand game yesterday! The Brazil v. Côte D'Ivoire game! The fact that Kaká was red-carded - unbelievable. And while part of me enjoyed that (the part that likes drama, especially with teams that are not mine), I have to say: he elbowed the CIV guy in the chest, and the CIV player went down clutching his face. Ehhh. But I'll take it as trade-off for the second goal which was an unbelievably blatant double handball, fuck that shit. What was up with that ref?

Anyway, I was watching the Brazil game in a café with wireless but broken A/C. So the HDTV was nice and a ton of people had their laptops out, which amused me, but it was so disgustingly sweaty and hot. I watched Spain's game today in a pub with A/C, which was infinitely better. I had a work meeting at 11 that I carefully scheduled around the Spain game, haha. I have priorities, can't you tell?

I was so nervous about the Spain v. Honduras game because I always get anxious about my favorites; they managed to pull off the win they needed, which makes me happy! But they really should have scored more (Villa should have definitely not missed that penalty kick, for instance - and he'd have gotten a hat trick too, oh Dahveed). The goal differential is going to be important come the round 3 games; Spain you'll need to defeat Chile and with a good number of goals just to be on the safe side. Switzerland and Honduras - couldn't you tie at 0-0? That would be super, thanks.

In other sports news, Federer almost lost today to an unranked player, dropping the first two sets and winning the fourth set by the skin of his teeth. I'm not going to lie, I laughed. He will never be my favorite, sorry. Roddick did fine, of course, and Nole...had to go to five sets but also pulled off a win. Man. "Latest Wimbledon match of all time", they say: it ended at 11:41pm. I guess Wimbledon likes to end early... Anyway, as always, my heart is for Rafa. :) ¡Vamos Rafa!

And ¡viva España! Happy day~

In non-sports news, I saw Toy Story 3 Friday night and I definitely recommend it. I did not go in expecting to like it considering I was tired of the Toy Story franchise after the first movie, but Pixar managed to not disappoint. They surprised me, in a good way. :) The movie is really touching and sad at bits, but also really, really funny. There is a lot of action/drama that is melodramatic but the movie never takes itself seriously, so it's all in fun. We watched it in a full theater with families and kids, so there was a lot of group laughter and applause, which added to the experience, I think. I'd go see it again, frankly speaking.

The short at the beginning was also incredibly charming and possibly one of my favorites. I do think they got a little heavy-handed with the message (via the radio) when they could've been more subtle...but I guess subtle goes over a lot of people's heads... Anyway! Yes. The entire movie is recommended.

Other movies I am excited about: Despicable Me, Eclipse (I have no shame; I will totally watch and mock), and Tangled! The preview for that was really cute. Disney's take on Rapunzel, with a twist? I am intrigued. Can't think of anything else atm except, oh yes, PLEASE DO NOT PAY MONEY TO WATCH THE LAST AIRBENDER. If you have to ask why...

This is why.

Last round of games for group stages kick off tomorrow! Estoy muy emocionado.

a rollercoaster of emotions for good and bad and football

The past week has been a mix of emotions for me: a lot of anger and a lot excitement. The anger, frustration, and resignation stemmed from a lot of serious discussions on topics like racism, white privilege, and whether (or how) "intent" factors into that. Yet, despite how frustrating and exhausting it can be to engage with people, I have to say in the end I'm really grateful that I have friends willing to talk about these things with me, even if some of them disagree with me or approach the argument from (what I think is) a somewhat skewed or privileged standpoint. Honestly, I know a lot of people who find it easy to say "how awful!" and then move on without really thinking more of the situation or topic and its implications and how it might affect their life.

That made me wonder: Is it unfair of me to want everyone to engage in these topics? Honestly speaking I was not seriously engaging in these issues until this past half year or so (though of course up 'til then I'd always said, "yes I'm liberal, yes I'm pro-whatever, and so on). But now that I've started caring, I sort of wish everyone else would too. I don't necessarily expect them to and I understand that mindset to an extent, since I was stuck there for so long, but it still saddens me. I feel like a lot of people do care about these issues but don't engage. I don't know how to make people want to engage but...that's probably not something another person can force on them. They have to come to that point in perspective on their own.

A friend said to me: "So many people are already talking about this so eloquently and I don't have much to add/I'm afraid I'll bungle my words/thoughts."

I was in this place for a long time; I'm still kind of there, which is why I link people to what other people say so often. But the more we read, the more we understand and are better to formulate and frame our own words and arguments. So that makes me hopeful that I will slowly become more eloquent. And there is nothing wrong with linking to or quoting other people's words either. :)

Related to this, I was reflecting a while back about how we should confront friends/family about these issues and when it's worth it - it's a balance, definitely. I guess for now the best thing we can do is to go by our gut of what is the right thing to do.

But in more lighthearted news, I have been completely swept up in the fever excitement of the 2010 World Cup. It is a lot of fun to care about something the rest of the world is so excited about too!

Some things to know about me & the World Cup:

#1) Everything I know about football I've learned in the past two weeks, since the WC started. My more knowledgeable friends, wikipedia, and random commentary informs most of what I know.

#2) I will use "football" because that is what it is, dammit, and anyway - all the people flailing with me about it are non-USA friends and they all use that term.

#3) An offshoot of above, I don't feel bad at all that the USA is not my first team because why should I have national loyalty in this sport to a country that can't even use the proper term for it and also refuses to understand what the hell the "pitch" is. /JUDGES FOREVER ): But I do still support USMNT because Capt. America is hot, unf. (This is, uh, sarcastic and I am not seriously judging anyone. Just to clarify.)

#4) I am totally, ridiculously, shamelessly shallow about hot footballers. I am all about the shirtlessness and the jersey-swapping, oh yeah. Maybe weirdly, the five teams (England, Spain, Germany, USA, S. Korea) I whole-heartedly support are not chosen on the basis of good looks alone.

#5) Mocking Cristiano Ronaldo is one of my joys in life.

#6) Steven Gerrard is my ONE TRUE LOVE. Even though England is consistently overrated in the WC and did not impress me with their game against the USA and pissed me off badly in their game against Algeria. Somehow I still love them, though I am saddened that they do not live up to expectations of awesomeness.

#7) I tweet like mad during the games. I have basically watched all the games (granted, the super early ones like the one this morning between Slovakia and Paraguay I only catch the last few minutes of because I don't care that much, but I will unfortunately be up at dawn tomorrow to catch Portugal against North Korea). I find myself hilarious. It is really a lie, though.

I will not go into more detail about individual games because there has been a lot of rage and frustration and dramatic cries of "no, why, why are you breaking my heart!" and also lots of cursing at refs. But I will be going to a pub tomorrow to watch the Spain v. Honduras game and cheering madly for España. Let's just leave it at that and hope Spain does not, again, rompa mi corazón.

I will add, though, that it's sort of nice to just be depressed by shallow things like World Cup games for a change instead of DEPRESSED BY HOW MUCH HUMANITY SUCKS.

will I sweat and bleed for you? I will.

I've been dealing with a lot of heavy-hitting topics in the past couple days: rape (and inherent misogyny), exploitation of race, racism... (I may go into these in slightly more detail in a future post.) I should be glad that dialogue has been had and that learning has been done and that privilege is being examined. I am glad. As painful and difficult as these issues can be, they merit my (and others') care and attention; they merit the time and effort it takes to explain to others why what was said or done was offensive or problematic. As I've told people: in a selfish way, I'm glad I care about these things because they make me feel like less shitty of a person. They make me feel that I am still capable of caring. I don't ever want to be so selfish as to want to close my eyes and ears to everything and stop caring, however much I may postulate it sometimes.



But all that aside, caring is still exhausting. I knew that going in and I think it's worth it but— But I'm just really tired right now.

a meandering tale of summer

Argh, job-hunting woes. All I'm looking for is some part-time summer/fall work, please! Any income would be great at this point. CB&W may hire for the fall ugh. Borders, call me back right now! Maybe B&N is hiring too?

In other news, there is no real news. I am torn between missing people and thinking I should reach out more via phone calls and feeling incredibly introverted and prone to isolation. I'm pretty sure the latter is not really the healthiest of choices, especially in light needing to maintain friendships, but it is so much easier! Why do I always try for the path of least resistance? I know better. I also know I feel much happier/more satisfied/more accomplished when I have worked against the path of least resistance and have actually accomplished something. Still.

I have again lapsed into losing the creative urges, so my word count so far this year is abysmally low. Such is the theme of this summer, I suspect, much unlike last summer. I feel pretty blasé about that - which probably concerns me more than the low word count or lack of writing. Shouldn't I be more upset that I'm not feeling the drive to write that I used? I remember being so unhappy whenever I couldn't write before. Now I sort of just shrug and dismiss it and continue reading/living/whatever.

Some random thoughts on:

Food
I have a love affair with milk tea, man. Not even bubble tea (unless it's the freshly made authentic/homemad kind), but milk tea itself. It would surpass my love of coffee if only it kept me ramped up like coffee does but, well, coffee's effect is probably mostly in my head but, my, those are some mighty powerful effects. This reminds me that I need to just suck it up and go buy a coffeemaker tomorrow.

(In related news, I was thrilled by the Top Chef Masters finale tonight. I think I enjoy it more than regular Top Chef for a number of reasons that I am too lazy to list out at the moment.)

Kpop
My thoughts on kpop are this: apparently SS3 is running from August to next April. I'm in Singapore next spring (Jan-May) and if they happen to have a tour date in Singapore or Malaysia during that time, I will go. Otherwise, whatever. I'm pretty disappointed that the Wonder Girls/2AM concert in St. Louis was cancelled though. Sunye!

Life in general
I keep feeling vaguely stressed (or dissatisfied?) by life and I'm not entirely sure why: maybe it's the lack of job. Maybe it's just this humming under my skin about not feeling productive enough. Let's face the facts: a lifetime of pushing hard and being told to push harder to meet expectations, that you're not meeting your potential, and that you can always (and should always) do better - it's hard to know what it means to "relax". A little part of you's always going to be whispering: hey, do you know all the things you could be doing with this time instead, you procrastinating slacker? Even if another part of you argues that, dude, there's only one life and you need to experience so many aspects of it to truly know what living's like.

/end philosophical meandering into the psyche

where do your draw your lines in the sand?

Query: What constitutes being a good friend? Supporting them no matter what happens, because friendships mean you always know whose back you've got - or calling a friend out on their stupidity and potentially hurtful behavior, whether hurtful to them or to others?

I'd like to think it's the latter, as long as that calling out is still done with love and support. Sometimes that ends up in having to walk away from the friendship though, after repeated failed attempts, and that's kind of a terrifying thought. How far do you push? How many second or third chances do you give? How do you decide when enough is enough?

On the flip side, there are so many people who seem to opt for the first choice because there is less confrontation involved. Is that really the healthiest manifestation of friendship? Some people seem to think so, and take that blind leap of faith to support and defend a friend without examining the situation in further detail. Is that what friendship means, that you're not supposed to be objective or impartial? You should be biased towards your loved ones. But to what extent? Surely not to the point where you're encouraging harmful behavior.

There is so much gray area and undefined lines in our world of relationships.

The real bitch of the irony is this: I can be objective when it comes to my friends, but hell if I can apply the same standards to family. Family is something I am stupidly blind and defensive over and even if I can acknowledge their faults, no one else is allowed the same privilege of criticism.


In other news, I am discovering (belatedly) the music of McFly, am slowly making my way through my books, and am thinking about which movies deserve to be rewatched. Ocean's 11 is always fair game!

this post brought to you by TMI

I have been feeling distressingly restless these past few days - I don't want a relationship because I know that I am not emotionally ready for that, but I want some physical action, dammit. I want to be part of one of those obnoxious tipsy couples making out in the backseat of someone's car while said someone is longsuffering and driving people around. I want to commit some annoying PDA and get glared at. I want some attention, directed solely at me, and I want some touch.

It's hard to feel so young sometimes, like I have never known what the world offers. It's hard to feel so old sometimes, like I've let slip past all my opportunities.

too tentative to commit to the words

This is the summer and future unrolled before us in a wide expanse of the unknown. It feels like an ending. Everything is changing.

(It feels like a beginning.)

does it feel like stagnation?

Back in STL, tired all the time, and seeking to put off RL as much as I can. I met with my work supervisor this afternoon and that went well - most of my projects/assignments I can do from home with occasional meetings. I'll also have plenty of time to look for a paying part-time job but god knows if there are any of those left. I'll have to keep hunting though. Will be moving my stuff slowly but surely over to my summer residence - first I have to clean up all the junk I've accumulated here. Throwing out a bunch of crap first makes the rest of the moving easier, right? I think I still need to get some boxes and packing tape though, and then bug some guys to help me with my furniture eventually.

I've been feeling entirely antisocial recently and I'm not sure for the cause of it. Did get to see A and J one last time before I left NC so that was fun (♥) but when I'll next see them again, I have no idea.

Apparently the Wonder Girls are coming to St. Louis though. I had no idea but apparently I'm going. :) Should be fun.

Hopefully things will pick up once I've gotten my stuff moved and settled for the summer. Mostly, though, I am tired.

shut up and listen to me

A:

A lot of straight men are uncomfortable with the idea of homosexuality or finding themselves in a situation where they need to check everything a gay man tells them for sexual innuendo. God knows why but it creeps them out. That said, most of these men will not go out of their way to beat up homosexuals in shady alleys, you know? This shit is not black and white. Yes, bigoted comments are douchey, but raging at the kid about homophobia will not solve anything. Hell, in my experience, raging at any straight male who finds homosexuality "weird", "creepy", "sick" or something in-between will only send them into a defensive rage, and then there you are, snarling at each other like animals. I'm sure there has to be a solution, but I'm also sure it does not involve "beating sense" into anyone, literally or figuratively.

Me:

I definitely agree it's a kneejerk kind of reaction from my straight male friends too, and also this: "It's sad, it's a fucking shame, but that's how it is."

But I don't think that makes it okay, even if that's how it is.

Passive homophobia, to me, is still homophobia. Even if they aren't going out to beat people up or try to make gay people feel discriminated against or vulnerable, their reaction still enforces the fact that homophobia is not the norm, and not acceptable. Their values will be passed on to their kids, to other people they know and associate with. It's not just about "that one gay friend they have that they're okay with", it's about an entire institution of homophobia and bigotry and prejudice that they're helping reinforce.

Is it okay for someone to burn a cross on someone's lawn as long as they don't hurt them physically? Is it okay to make homophobic jokes as long as you don't call someone a faggot to his face?

I don't think so. Obviously, not everyone agrees with me but... I don't think it's okay to be homophobic or racist or sexist as long as you are less homophobic or racist or sexist as someone else.

That all said, I do agree with your conclusion that "beating sense" into anyone is not really going to...work. As fondly as some people might dream of that.

A:

I saw a lot of comments which basically dismiss the relevance of social pressure and the knee-jerk, conditioned response of most heterosexual men at the mere mention of male homosexuality, and I just can't agree with that. My brother would probably act all weirded out around a gay person and possibly try to avoid them, but he would never, ever hurt them intentionally, be it in a verbal or physical way. It's sad, it's a fucking shame, but that's how it is. If we can't accept first that acceptance doesn't come to everyone naturally, then how can we call ourselves more accepting than them? :|

M:

If we can't accept first that acceptance doesn't come to everyone naturally, then how can we call ourselves more accepting than them?

This is very true. It's actually pretty hypocritical, to not accept the unaccepting for being unaccepting. But that said, if the target is the comment, then I don't see a problem. [...]

Me:

I sort of violently disagree with this statement: It's actually pretty hypocritical, to not accept the unaccepting for being unaccepting.

Why should I be accepting of a racist or a bigot? Why should I have to? "Oh, sorry, I understand you're raised that way, you can't help the fact that you're a homophobe or that you hate all black people or that you think women are naturally inferior to men. Sorry, I should respect your views as a an unaccepting bigot because you can't help being that way."

No.

I don't think it's hypocritical not to be accepting of bigots. That implies that there is no objective truth, that it all depends, that they might be right and their opinions should be given weight. I don't think they're right. I think they're wrong. And I don't want to accept their views.

C:

I like your reply, because that's the truth, plain and simple. To accept them is to give them the idea that their way of thinking is just as justifiable and proper as yours. And it gives them support to continue that way.

M:

It isn't to say that you need to be accepting of racism or bigotry, but I guess to be accepting of the fact that they are not always the ones who control their own viewpoint. I very much believe that we are shaped by the environment we grow up in. Of course we can change, of course there are some things we should realize when they slap us right in the face, but not everybody goes through the same experiences and some mindsets are more difficult to change than others.

That implies that there is no objective truth, that it all depends, that they might be right and their opinions should be given weight. I don't think they're right. I think they're wrong. And I don't want to accept their views.

[...]

For me, reaction can be just as important as the original action. I think it's much more beneficial for the relationship of both sides to say, "I understand you live in a society that thinks this, but why don't you reanalyze what you're saying and look at it from this point of view, instead." It's only when anyone adamantly refuses to even consider other options that I basically stop accepting them into my life, along with their opinions.

Me:

Maybe it's just semantics then, because the sentence "If we can't accept first that acceptance doesn't come to everyone naturally, then how can we call ourselves more accepting than them?" says to me very clearly that we should be accepting of the unaccepting or we will be hypocrites.

Yes, we should try to understand the context they exist in. Yes, society and environment is a huge factor. I'm not proposing that we all hate all homophobes forever (if I did, I would be hating my own family forever). I'm saying that while context is definitely important if we are trying to reach out to these people and help them understand, we should not accept their viewpoints as legitimate even if we know "where they're coming from". Because that means we're giving validity to the idea that gays are something to be feared, or whatever.

...in the end, I think we're actually agreeing on the point that we should acknowledge and recognize why they believe certain things. Mostly.

Then I start to question: why do we have to be so understanding and accepting and trying so damn fucking hard to educate ignorant people when they are the ones in the wrong? I shouldn't have to teach the privileged bigots why they're wrong.

listen up: fuck you

Can we talk about victim-blaming and how very much Not Okay I am with it? Can we talk about how entirely shocking, depressing, and horrifying it is to realize that some of my closest friends participate in it? Can we talk about the fact that I do want to educate them about the problems associated with it, but sometimes I can't even talk to them about the subject without wanting to tear my hair out and scream about their just world fallacy?

Let me make this clear: VICTIM BLAMING IS NOT OKAY. And if you try to do that to my face, I will be furious.

ETA: How appropriate that I find this post (on how marginalized groups are often thrust into teaching roles and how they should not be obligated to educate others who should be educating themselves) the day after I post?

this world we leave behind us

Happy Mother's Day! I'm flying home to NC today so I will be able to greet my mom personally.

This morning, I packed up my winter clothes to take back to Raleigh and leave there; I'll be home at least a week before driving back. There are tentative plans to hang out with A and J (maybe V too?). I'd like to go to the beach while I'm at home, appreciate it while it's close, because Missouri is out in the middle of nowhere. Not sure yet if I'll be going with friends or family - my mom's going to be busy this week, but we'll see about the weekend.

Theres a lot to do after I get back to MO, too, but there's not too much I can do about that right now. My aunt invited me to visit New York sometime this summer, which would be nice. If I can get a part-time job and make some money, I would like to do that - meet up with S too and let her drag me over to NJ for an amazing Korean food experience. Best I can do considering my lack of ability to go to Asia this summer. I also dream of the day I can meet up with M again... :(

As for now, I'm crazy into a weird mix of music right now: old non-single SJ songs, Adam Lambert, and Steve Carlson and Jason Mann featuring Jensen. Damn, Jensen.

I really have nothing else to say. I should finish packing up my electronics, I guess, then eat some food before heading off to the airport.

it's funny: I always have the words for other people

So it's weird because I was feeling like this yesterday too. The whole "what is the point? why am I doing this?" and "I WILL NEVER BE HAPPY". It is all very dramatic, just like you said, but it doesn't stop being scary or discouraging.

I guess I just want to say I empathize and that, no matter how hard it is for me, I think in the end we can just do our best. I don't think most people have a fixed goal in mind with happiness - and those who do may not be totally realistic. We should spend our lives striving not for some imaginary future happiness but to better ourselves, love ourselves, do something good with what we have. And, like you said, appreciate it.

I don't think you're bland or useless or unlovable. I think you're far too human for that. :) I think you have passion and you have joy and you have sorrow. You care, and you're a friend, and you are smart and capable and it's hardest to convince ourselves (I know how hard it is to convince myself) but I hope it helps a little just to hear the words, even if from someone else.

Now it's only a matter of learning to listen to myself. Or maybe listen to myself less, because I tend to overthink, to panic, to gasp at life like I can't risk the pause to breathe.

plastic smiles on our plastic lives

When people tell me they admire me, I feel like a fraud. They don't know how hard it is sometimes and how much I want to give up. C says she's proud of me for keeping on, despite the struggles. She doesn't know the struggles. She doesn't know that keeping on is merely inertia, not strength of will. I don't know how to stop.

When I see how scared other people are, I feel like a fraud. They have real worries and real fears. They face things I have never or will never, and I should be grateful. They face things I've gone through myself, but I don't know what to say because it's not like I've overcome my own fears. How can I give comfort or advice?

I feel like a fraud either way. I wish I were brave enough to carry on through, one way or the other. I'm afraid of this gray area and narrow space, tunnel vision to the ground because I'm too scared to look back or look forward.

I feel like I don't deserve the right to be afraid, because I'm a fraud.

我的真情不再随便给

What does it mean to know someone? What does it mean to love someone?

They say you can never really know someone without personal interaction, the brutal honesty of eye contact and shared space. They say you cannot know someone without seeing them at their worst, at their lowest, in desperate situations or in unexpected ones. They say you cannot love them if you do not know them.

Why is this so?

What does it mean to know someone? It's nothing more than how much trust you extend to them, how much honesty you receive in return. How do you draw the contours of knowledge and the boundaries of truth? What is knowledge but the dissemination of truth? And what is truth if not the honesty in someone's eyes or in their smile, honesty in words and in laughter and in tears and in gratitude. There is truth in the way they live every day, in the thoughts they think and the words they speak; there is truth in how someone chooses to live their life.

We rarely get the whole picture or the full story, light illuminating every mysterious and unknown corner of a person. Everyone hides in different ways, from different people, carefully selective in who we allow to "know" us. We don masks in our daily lives, switching from one to another in consideration of our audience. No one knows the whole world; we only accept what we see or what we hear or what we experience with a kernel of faith.

Is it fair to ask for someone to be laid bare before us, stripped to the bones of their essence? In life we take what people are willing to give, the light that they choose to shine, and accept with faith their honest choices. This is what is given to us.

What does it mean to love someone if not to trust them?

The concepts of knowledge and truth and love are ill-defined, because words fall short in describing the feeling that suffuses us. No one knows us better than we know ourselves: we know what we feel. We know what it feels like to love.




And if you are in love with a lie - at least you are in love.

(It's never the love you regret, but the lie.)

these are the signs heralding exam period

The onset of exam period makes certain things true:

1. I will spend more time wasting time because I am an executive procrastinator who finds five gazillion other things she'd like to do once the pressure is on and she is faced with exams and deadlines. Organize my bookshelf? Plan for the summer? Plot novels I will never write? Start blogging again about pointless things? Let's go!

2. I will eat out a lot more because cooking takes up time I must reserve for procrastinating on studying. Oh my credit card bill of the month will undoubtedly make me sad. See? This is why I need to plan for the summer and the job I must acquire to provide myself an income. These things are important - clearly more important than the more imminent exams.

3. I will hate undergrads with a passion. I know and love my share of them as long as they are not actually anywhere in my proximity. Undergrads I encounter and am required to deal with personally make me wish there were a ditch or moat surrounding the law school into which all undergrads fell. They are crawling all over the place when exams approach, desperate to find some place to study that isn't their dorm or their overcrowded undergrad library. Understandable, of course. To which I say: GET THE HELL OUT OF MY SCHOOL, YOUNG DESPICABLE WASTES OF SPACE TAKING UP MY AIR. Or, y'know, with actual curse words substituted in.

4. I will still sleep and eat on a fairly normal basis. This is, I hear and know from experience, somewhat uncommon among the general population come crunch time. But I'm old, all right? I went through my periods of shit-awful no-sleep, too-much-caffeine weeks of all-nighters in college. I burned myself out of them. I just don't think the trade off is worth it: when you're that exhausted and pushing yourself that hard, you're not actually retaining much of what you're trying to cram into your brain. You're much better off making an actual schedule instead of pushing everything off until 3am, getting sleep at night, and, um, eating and drinking like a normal functional human being. Your body will appreciate it and so, probably, will your brain.

5. I will have mood swings. I am having mood swings. Apologies in advance if you have to deal with them except, not really, because I hate everything. Except the few things and people I still love no matter what (it's a short list). But, really, I hate everything. "I wish I knew how to quit you" indeed. My life is reduced to quoting Brokeback Mountain - you realize how sad this is, right?

your youth is a precious gift: what will you do with it?

So I have young friends. Sometimes I despair that they make me feel old and sometimes I despair that they are so young and so unlearned to the realities of the world (as compared to my grizzled years of wisdom and experience, of course). Usually these declarations of despair are made in jest or at least not in complete seriousness, because I know the thing about youth is that you get the luxury of growing up. It happens, whether you expect or welcome it.

Sometimes, though, I am profoundly grateful that some of my friends are young, because it gives me hope that they will grow up and learn and grow past certain things like wishing rape on people they don't like.

It's never okay to wish that on anyone, even jokingly. It's not a joke. It's not anywhere near funny.

And it is especially not okay, considering the number of women who have been raped, to wish it on another female. Not that male rape isn't a problem or a crime (it is, and an absolutely under-discussed one at that), but considering that 9/10 rape victims are female, it is a particularly significant issue when people continue perpetuating misogynistic viewpoints.

Please, please figure out that This Is Not Okay.

I said something and the friend in particular did not respond, but I hope it at least got her thinking and that she will be more cautious about saying such things in the future.

Another friend flipped out today when she found out that one of her acquaintances has been raped, making it the third person she knew who had encountered some sort of sexual violence or violation. She was shocked. Understandably so, of course, because it never means as much as it does when it's personal. It hurts more when it strikes close to home and is much scarier - terrifying in its reality.

But the first thing I thought was: You know...rape is not nearly as uncommon as you might think.

The statistics say 1 in 3 women worldwide (1 in 6 in the U.S.) have been sexually assaulted in their lifetime, surviving a completed or attempted rape. That is a pretty staggering figure.

But this friend's reaction made me wonder if hers wasn't just a reflection of the way society at large lives in denial or ignorance about the realities of rape. I know I care and I know people around me who do, but I also know people who don't think about things like this, who probably don't because it's never been relevant for them. It's never become a personal problem until someone - maybe them, maybe a friend, maybe a family member - is raped.

Do we have to wait until that point before we start paying attention and caring?

It's not that I think I'm all-knowing. It's not that I think I know so much more than these friends do. But like another friend, K, said: "I learned a lot about the world after a year or two at college". And it's just that: trying to broaden our minds and worlds to at least be more cognizant of all that we don't know. To understand more how much there is to know.

I'm not trying to judge anyone. I am just hoping people will at least be open to growing past their ignorance and being receptive to all there is out there to learn. And sometimes I am grateful for my young friends because that means they have that much more time to learn.

But you're never too old to keep learning and I hope to, even when I am no longer considered "young".



(statistics from:
http://www.rainn.org/get-information/statistics/sexual-assault-victims
http://www2.ucsc.edu/rape-prevention/statistics.html)

The world is composed of judgmental people.

I am one of those people.

But it's not like I'm not getting judged right back in return.

also look up Acoustic Cafe's Last Carnival

A combination of these two soothe away the school-induced stress headache:

http://www.rainymood.com/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PMSIkPKzz4

I really have nothing else to say for now; my exhaustion has wiped out any creative vestiges left to blog with. All that remains is a state of semi-panic, semi-hatred for the last two weeks of school I have to - somehow - get through. And then onto exams which, at this point, seem like a relief.

the springtime of our youth?

I love spring. I love it even though the pollen count climbs ever higher and covers the world in a thin film of yellow and has everyone around me (myself included) tearing up and sneezing in the most unattractive manner. Despite the human reaction to spring, the world around me is so gorgeous that I don't mind. I love the sunlight, warm and golden, not yet scorching hot and oppressive like it gets during summer. The leaves are just budding, young and spring green, and the flowers - spring flowers are my favorite.

I keep telling myself and others that my favorite flower's probably the gardenia but I might as well own up to the fact right now that it isn't. I love gardenias - they're pretty and they smell divine, but they are summer flowers and they grow on shrubs. I love spring flowers best: cherry and peach blossoms, tulips and daffodils, irises and hydrangeas and everything that is colorful and perennial and gorgeous.

Daffodils are so sunny and cheerful; tulips come in a palette of colors that just makes me happy. White tulips can be so elegant, too. Whenever (if?) I get married one day, I think I'll want tulips there. They are just so pretty. ♥

There are other thoughts I want to blog about later, but right now I'm just enjoying the gorgeous weather and season.

anyone but dook

Fuck the Dookies are going to be endlessly obnoxious and aggravating tomorrow. More so than usual, I mean.

Oh Butler, so damned close it hurts.

ETA: It serves me right for posting while tired and angry. The word I was looking for was "insufferable".

Dookies in a word.

i'm more than a man in a phony red sheet

So there's a facebook group called "we used to be friends until you got a bf/gf" which symbolizes the common problem of friends becoming MIA once they've acquired a significant other. They get so wrapped up in each other that they forget about spending time with friends (i.e., people who aren't the SO). It's natural to an extent, especially in a new relationship, and it's important to spend time together in order to develop that relationship...but it's a common problem because many people cross an invisible line of spending too much time with only the SO. You can't get so involved in a relationship that you forget to be an independent, individual person with your own interests and friends.*

But that's not really the case here, because this particular friend does see people besides the SO: those people just happen all to be the SO's friends, not her friends. There are a number of reasons why this is also understandable, but in the end I still quite feel like it's not quite right. If it's going to be an actual relationship, both people need to recognize and become familiar with the friends and people important in their SO's lives; it can't just be a one-way street.

At least the friend in question still makes some effort to see the friends (friend) most important to her on her own.

...friend. Just one. There is only one person among the ostensible group of friends who is important enough to make an effort to see and talk to when all other time is spent with the SO and the SO's friends. It's saddening, disappointing, and eye-opening. Though I can't say I'm entirely surprised.

I wonder if there's a facebook group called "we used to be roommates until you got a bf/gf".

Though I suppose I shouldn't be complaining about having the apartment to myself. My main struggle is my lack of reliable transportation now - to school or to, you know, buy groceries. Which needs to be done soon. I guess I'll just have to beg favors and pull out the bribes.

I'm not bitter and I do want her to be happy, even if it's turned out that we're not actually close friends. But if I'm speaking truthfully, the relationship has definitely complicated and added stress to my life. I should totally involve myself in a relationship solely for the benefit of a car. /joking

Nothing in the world right now is worth the drama and stress and emotional engagement required of a relationship.


*I should probably qualify this with the fact that my perspective is entirely colored by how I am evidently in no way ready for relationships or commitment because for me, right now, I come first. My family comes first. My friends come first. And oh man do I need alone time more than I need cuddling/sharing/whatever time.

我在你心中只是 just a friend

There's nothing like a weekend with people you chose to love to remind you that the people around you are not the ones you chose...

They (whoever they might be) say: "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with."

How true is this, though? It sounds like good advice, but is it as easy or as plausible as it seems?

Sometimes circumstances force proximity and proximity for an extended period of time creates a false impression of emotional closeness. This is not always true. But it's the way we cope, because when it's make nice with those around you or spend an eon caught in perpetual awkwardnes...the choice isn't really a difficult one. Still, within that group of friends-through-circumstance, there will be some with whom you are closer, some who are probably people you would have chosen to love even without the external factors of environment.

But, one might argue, every situation in life provides external circumstances that force proximity: school, of course, and then work. You don't get to choose where you grow up because that's in your parents' hands; you don't get to choose the kind of people in your class or in your school. In the same way, you don't get to choose your co-workers or your supervisors, which is why people always tell horror stories from work. This is all true. But there are still levels of forced proximity: law school or the workplace, for instance, provide much smaller groups of people you see every day. College, on the other hand, especially state universities like the one I went to, provide such a vast sea of people from which you can pick your friends. This is why people say you make your lifelong friends in college - because they are people you choose to love and that kind of relationship lasts longer. Similarly, the internet provides that kind of wide selection pool where you can pick and choose your friends on whatever criteria you choose: similar interests in books, similar viewpoints on politics, similar worldviews about religion or what-have-you.

When you choose to connect to people on a personal level, the relationship tends to last because you've committed past certain levels of trust. You've opened yourself up to being vulnerable on things that really matter to you, unlike when you connect only on superficial interests such as, oh, basketball or reading or (for instance) kpop. Of course, you can make the argument that certain shared interests can reflect connections on a personal level (e.g., the type of material someone enjoys reading may say something about the kind of person they are and the way they think and approach the world). Still, on the whole, I'm wary of making friendships rooted solely in superficial interests.

No, that is phrased badly. Those friends are good ones to have, because it is always fun to have people you can talk to about those shared interests, with whom you can be enthusiastic without having to explain or justify yourself. I would just recommend (for myself, primarily) in keeping cautious about depending on them for more personal matters; go instead to the people you trust, the people who really know you. They might not be the ones who will shout at or flail at the TV with you, but they are the ones who will love you and support you and advise you in your best interests.

The weekend in NYC made me realize that L&L are people I trust and love; they are trusted, truest friends. I have things in common with them that go beyond liking kpop or liking aquariums or liking delicious Asian food - and that means I don't feel like I have to feel uncomfortable around them. I don't feel like I have to hide so much from them.

Really, the point of this post is just to say that I am grateful for all of my friends, but in particular those I feel most myself around. And that those friends are not necessarily the ones I see every day or that I talk to the most often. They might be; but they don't have to be. I chose to love you and I am thankful for you. :)

朋友一生一起走 那些日子不再有

Leaving New York and L&L recalls for me leaving Seoul last summer, after Super Show: it aches with a reluctance to leave behind one of the best experiences I've ever had. It's partly the city, partly the people, and partly just the entire experience, which has been composed of memory-making moments, incredible amounts of happiness, and a sense of being removed from my mundane reality. I'm so loath to return to the real world. It's harder than last summer too because from Seoul I only returned to Beijing, still a summer in a place a love, despite the work tied to it; leaving New York, I've come back to St. Louis and law school, and I have to hit the ground running. I have a full day of classes tomorrow, I have a Korean quiz to make up, reading to do, an assignment due Wednesday, and a seminar paper to work on. I don't have time to dwell and relive the memories - maybe it will be for the best.

Still, I will probably forgo sleep later tonight or later this week to upload pictures to Facebook or tinypic; I want to share a fraction of the fun I had and show people what I look like when I'm happy. Remember that? Sometimes I forget what it's like.

L&L I had so much fun doing silly things, being touristy, camwhoring, talking, joking. We ate so many delicious things, sang karaoke, got tipsy, talked about celebrity crushes, and shared our fears and thoughts about families and futures. I don't know how to put into words how memorable the weekend was, how it was one of the best I've ever had.

In recent memory, the weekend in Seoul (July 16-19) and the weekend in NYC (March 26-29) have been the most memorable experiences in my life. Because they've helped me rediscover parts of myself and because they've given me reasons (and reminders) to love life. I loved life. I don't know if they are all that life-changing, but they have carved deep impressions in me. I know a large part of why they have attained this pedestal status in my mind is because they are rare, one-of-a-kind, unlikely to be repeated and all the more precious for it: still, I will never regret them.

L&L are like my little sisters - but more than that, they are true friends. I love you guys. It's hard to say goodbye to you, to our weekend, to my brief little escape from reality.

I will another time detail the adventures of this weekend. ♥

a room with a view (OF HELL) -eddie izzard

I guess this is a product of my being INFJ - the "I" in the particular - but I've never had a problem with eating meals on my own? I don't find it lonely or sad; it's actually nice, sometimes, because I recharge in my own time. I need the break from other people. That's not to say I don't like being social or don't want company or people to talk to sometimes; it doesn't mean I wouldn't choose to eat with others over eating by myself (though just as often I choose eating by myself over eating with others). I like people, really. Sometimes, when I'm down, having someone to hang out with or talk to distracts me and manages to help me feel a lot better. But, in the end, I need time to myself to be in a good mental and emotional place. Spending an extended period of time with a large group of people doesn't energize me but rather exhausts me. I prefer one-on-one or small groups.

This post brought to you by random observations.

Oh, one day I do want to make a post about how our circle of friends reflect who we are in that our friends reflect the kind of people we like to spend time with. But then there are also multiple circles of friends who reflect different things about us because we only "choose" our friends to a certain extent. And despite commonalities, sometimes you discover you are very different regarding certain things (some of which turn out to be more important than others)...

But that's for another day. I'm going to bed early tonight.

law school is my boyfriend

Earlier, I found myself quoted, which was strange. This was the passage:

(They say, find a day job, write on the side, support yourself until you are so successful that you can quit your day job. But they don't take into account that writing takes a huge amount of creative, mental, and emotional energy - all of which your day job can drain out of you. What can you produce that is good, that is full of heart and soul and story, after a long, tedious, dry day of work? Those who say that are practical, but where does practicality come in to writing? Writing is an art, and does art leave room for practicality? Or is it something deeper, more innate, more in tune with nature - wild, raw, free - the need for expression?)

I was surprised that I actually sounded somewhat approaching coherent in that; it reads very much me though. An excessive fondness for commas and lists without conjunctions - it is my shame. I am working on converting my sentence fragments into better-flowing complete sentences.

Unrelated to writing because that's something I'm not doing recently (for fun or for school, and it kills me that I'm not), I was thinking about the complexities of relationships and the implications tied into them, whether or not we realize those implications at the time. For example, M has been seeing someone recently - only 3 dates so far, but he's a born-and-bred Midwestern guy and very proud of that. He's only ever been too two states: MO where he was born and where he lives now and AZ where he went to school. He has no inclination to travel and explore the rest of the country, much less the rest of the world; he has no intention of leaving St. Louis. There is always the possibility that a relationship with M will broaden his horizons and open his mind to a new world, but the chance seems small and, to me, seems like so much unnecessary work.

I don't think I could ever date someone who doesn't enjoy Asian cuisine on a fairly regular basis (if not every day), someone who isn't interested in new cultures, someone who doesn't want to see more of the world than just their own backyard. I don't think I could be happy with someone like that. M is uncertain too but this is only a fairly minor concern for her because he is presenting a few more pressing issues for her: his complete stinginess and that he's proclaimed his love for her after just three dates. Three casual dates, mind, not exactly soul-searching, heart-baring, death-defying and life-affirming dates.

But hearing her story made me linger on the unsaid implications if she should choose to continue dating this guy and turn it into a relationship: she would essentially be committing to him and to St. Louis. She can't get into a serious relationship and then turn around and leave school to work on the coast; she can't demand he follow her when his home and roots are all here. Dating means looking towards the future, and the future means you have to consider what you're willing to compromise and what you're not. (This applies mostly to people like me and M who don't do casual; maybe it's a very stereotypical female mindset that the point of dating is to find a suitable person you're willing to spend the reset of your life with. I say "stereotypical" because a lot of girls are capable of doing casual and only want that, and more power to them.)

This is why I don't want to date in law school anymore. I don't want to commit myself to anyone here. I don't want to have to worry about another huge factor I have to work around and compromise with when I consider my future. I'm still young. I want my life to be about me right now, not me with someone else. Right now, I am happy not being in a relationship. I like not having to worry about that, having only to look out for myself and take care of myself.

And I have plenty to worry about. Thanks, law school. You provide me with just as much emotional drama as any relationship could with no cuddling trade-off.

if my life were a chess game... i don't know where this analogy's going.

Where would my life be without irony? Apparently not nearly as interesting to whatever cosmic force is in charge.

On a unrelated food update:

I made a delicious omelet for breakfast yesterday. I love eggs, they're great! I also need to keep in mind that I don't like Mi Ranchito's guacamole at all - it doesn't taste fresh and is a bit too salty. I like my guacamole chunkier too. I should probably just buy the ingredients to make on my own. Avocado, red onions, tomato, optional cilantro, lime, salt & pepper to taste.

I made pasta today (browned ground beef, onions, tomato sauce) because I'm tired of Asian food. Which really takes a lot... Actually, I could probably still enjoy the beef noodle soup from Wong's Wok but, eh, need to save what money I can this week for the upcoming weekend with my lovelies, L&L. ♥

let's not reenact Mean Girls in law school, yeah?

A number of people (including me) have compared law school to high school, which is true in many respects. And that's not an entirely positive analogy because we like to dismiss most of the petty and silly things we did back then as a consequence of immaturity and not knowing better. College opens the doors to a wider worldview, purportedly, and a better understanding of ourselves and those around us. So we'd like to believe - but then law school takes people who've all graduated college, some of whom have worked for a number of years, some who are married (but I don't see this as much in married students because they are far too busy living their real lives and handling real responsibilities on top of school that they don't tend to engage in the following) and makes them all regress.

We have lockers, we have the equivalent of prom, we have one building to which we're essentially confined, we have small classes and cliques and hooking up within groups of friends - we have the reemergence of petty feuds and awkwardness, of value attached to who's in the top 10, top 5 percent of the class. We see again the pervasiveness of gossip.

That isn't to say gossip wouldn't exist otherwise - I hear it's fierce in workplaces, where conditions are similar and therefore prime breeding ground: small groups of people who see each other every. single. day. As if that for some reason justifies the sudden nosiness into who is sleeping with whom, or who was once interested in whom, or who has a grudge against whom. It happens there and it happens here and it's frankly, in my opinion, entirely unpleasant to have to deal with.

Sure, it occurred with some regularity in college too (hell, I was in a sorority, I can definitely tell you about drama), but at the kind of huge public university I was in, you didn't get the same kind of small groups and enclosed spaces. You weren't forced to see the same people day in and day out. There was a lot more personal space - physically and emotionally. So while gossip still occurred, it wasn't with the same sort of regularity or intensity of circulation, I feel.

Law school is proverbial high school all over again; and I say proverbial because, looking back on it, my actual high school experience was nothing so clichéd. I wasn't in the popular crowd (was there a popular crowd? an amorphously defined one, perhaps) but I talked to people in it; I wasn't outcast although I think I tended towards hanging out with people who might be termed (dictated by high school clichés) "geeks": i.e., theater and manga fans, creative writing and ~expression~ fans. But I didn't identify 100% with them or with the "smart nerdy Asian" crowd or the artsy crowd. Whatever it was, high school was fine. Immature and awkward, yeah, but not a TV drama.

Law school? Is more like a TV drama. Not just in terms of personal experience but also in what I've witnessed other people going through or doing - and I find it all pretty sad. You'd think people would grow out of this kind of petty, gossipy mindset. You'd think people would be more concerned with professionalism and making real connections with others (similar to high school, you all tend to scatter after graduation, but now you're at an age where you can handle that kind of distance in a friendship...presumably) rather than worrying about who's dating whom or sleeping with whom or did you see how drunk she got that other time, oh my god.

There are probably all sorts of factors contributing to this kind of mindset or behavior but I don't really care about the reasonings behind it. I guess I just want to say flat out that I'm uncomfortable with how much people gossip and talk behind people's backs, and it bothers me even more when I catch myself inadvertently contributing to it. I don't want to be that kind of person. I can't pretend I'm wholly innocent because I know I've done it; but I don't like it and I really would prefer to not participate in it. So while I can't make others quit, I figure I should at least be more careful about what I say and watch myself so I don't end up participating in it again just to feel bad afterwards. It can't hurt to let people know that I'd prefer they not gossip around me either, but it's more a matter of being responsible for my own actions than for theirs.

Because, hey, I know I definitely do not appreciate people talking behind my back - for good or ill but in general - and in that vein I will try not to do that to others. It's not a fun experience (thank you, anon memes). Let's try to just live our own lives and let others live theirs; accept them as who they are for their faults (or virtues) and, you know, mind our own business. There's a line between friendly concern and friendly joking and plain nosiness and perpetuation of gossip; I'd rather not cross it.


Not impressed with high school behaviors in a professional school.

the puzzle of constant eating

Today and yesterday have been bizarre days in terms of eating: that is, I can't seem to stop. My brain's "Hey, you're full, stop putting things in your mouth" trigger seems to be off, because I keep getting tempted by delicious smells or pictures or even just the thought of deliciousness and then I want to eat again. Usually, you're tempted and your brain says: "Actually, your stomach wouldn't be happy with you if you ate that." My brain seems to be on vacation on that point. (Or possibly on every point; my brain wants a break, okay?)

I've had so many meals and snacks in the past two days that I can feel myself gaining weight. But I still want to eat. (I feel like Closet Cooking is at least partly to blame. Those pictures are amazingly mouth-watering.)

Don't worry; this is offset by the days where I have zero appetite. Those aren't fun days either.

But I suppose I am at least balanced.

(It may be due to my increased water intake lately? Less dehydrated, more appetite? Can you tell I don't remember anything from the last science class I took in, uh, fall 2005?)



On an unrelated note: March Madness started today! Notice my lack of caring, thank you, UNC...

what do you know of your past?

I would have an intellectual discussion on Mao but I never feel like I am informed enough; I'd prefer that other educated and informed individuals hold a conversation or discussion and let me listen in and learn. The most I can contribute, I feel, is personal experience and feelings: how I feel regarding certain issues, how people I know or have observed have felt regarding certain issues, and so on.

This pondering stemmed from an article on an artist's controversial dressing of her baby daughter in outfits depicting, and I quote, "the most evil historical figures of the 20th century". The figures included: Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Saddam Hussein, Ayatollah Khomeini, Chairman Mao Zedong, Idi Amin, Augusto Pinochet, and Slobodan Milosevic. (Mind, this is for art, which in my mind allows it some leeway. Also, the shallow side of me finds the baby-in-the-Mao-outfit pretty adorable, but that may be the maternal instinct and the Asian bias.)

So my question is: Is Mao considered one of the "most evil historical figures of the 20th century" to a level that makes him comparable to Hitler and Stalin?

I will be the first to admit that he was an idealist and made a lot of misguided attempts at governing that ended in dismal, nigh catastrophic, failure. Many, many millions of people suffered the consequences of his actions.

But I cannot seem to reconcile what I know of him - what I know of Chinese people and their opinions on him - with the Clearly Evil label that the West seems too happy to slap on him. Was he a dictator? Did he commit mass genocide? Did he start or perpetuate a world war? Oppress and starve his people? Not to my knowledge (and my disclaimer is, I humbly recognize, that my knowledge is incomplete and limited).

The majority of the negative opinions directed at him from the West is, as far as I can tell, based almost solely on the fact that he is seen as a figurehead closely tied to Communism. And Communism is Evil. Therefore, Mao is Evil.

One friend, Chinese*, answered my query: "To me, he is. He might have started out with good intentions but he went totally insane."

Another friend, also Chinese**, replied: "No." She qualified it by adding, paraphrased, that although the West seems quick to brand him evil, so much of China seems to like, respect, or otherwise admire him - as if he's done something good. And that, to her, matters. The opinions of the people he was ruling, who would be the ones to most directly suffer the consequences of his actions, matters. And I think it should. To quote her again: "There's only so much ~brainwashing~ can do."

These are things I wonder.

Related to this, but tangentially, the article I linked has a poll. The optional answers to the question "Do you find Baby Hitler offensive?" are: (1) Yes. It's a horrible thing to do to a baby.; (2) No. It's a harmless expression of art.; and (3) Not sure.

Dear New York Daily News:

Yes, I find the outfit on the baby offensive - not the baby herself - because of the ugliness of Hitler's actions and on behalf of all the people who suffered his actions. Not because it's a horrible thing to do to a baby. Why on earth would you think that the baby is the victim here?

Though I can't say I'm terribly supportive of you calling her "Baby Hitler".

Bemused by the misplacing of your priorities when questioning things that are PC,

Mei

So this is food for thought for the moment, while I study for my Korean midterm tomorrow and discuss with various people (again) the utter mediocrity of Burton's Alice in Wonderland. I feel like he's overrated as a director, which is sad, because the visuals are amazing and most of the key actors (save Alice) put in great performances - but that all falls well short of producing a great movie when the story and directing seem so lacking. I'm sad. It had so much potential to be great.


*In the interest of full disclosure, she's Singaporean.
**Canadian.

healthy eating in the works

T and I have taken to bringing sandwiches for lunch when we can because it saves tremendous amounts in food expenses - the problem with that, however, is that one turkey or ham sandwich isn't that filling. In two hours or so, we're hungry again. So we're bringing snack bags of Goldfish crackers and dry cereal or other things as well, which helps but also contributes to my feeling that I'm not eating healthily enough.

So today I thought I'd try to make my sandwich a little more filling. I put on the mustard (djion honey and it adds the perfect kick), lettuce, hickory-smoked ham, and then threw on a some kimchi and a fried egg. The kimchi for flavor because, well, I admit: it's one of my favorite foods and I would be sad to live without it; the egg because it's a lot of protein and is filling. It helped! It was a delicious sandwich and it kept me fuller for a lot longer. I might try to cut up the kimchi into smaller pieces tomorrow though - the bigger pieces made it hard to take bites out of the sandwich. It also got the bread a little soggier than is normal but not to an unbearable amount; I usually make the sandwich around 8:30 and have lunch around 11:30 so it's only a few hours to keep. And it's worth it.

Speaking of food and eating healthier, I really want more seafood in my diet - particularly fish and shrimp. I am endlessly craving shrimp and I can't shut up about it. But I do need more omega-3 in my diet; I definitely see symptoms of its lack. Fish helps a lot with brain power too, especially in focusing; too much coffee is starting to feel gross. Having it every day lessens its effects too. I should default to water (hydration, hydration!) rather than coffee. Tea, even, is a better choice.

Walnuts are also high in omega-3 but, well, I don't really see how they can factor into my diet easily. I eat a decent amount of vegetables, I think, and of tofu and soy, but I definitely need to work on more fish and more fresh fruit. Juice isn't the same because it has so much sugar and the body just doesn't process that the same way it does natural fructose. I am doing (somewhat) better on getting to bed by 1 every night - hoping to actually make it earlier. Sleep is one of the easiest things to give up when it shouldn't be - it is so necessary to a healthy body and mind. It's amazing how good it is for you.

Ginseng and gingko also help with energy and focus but unless I get my mom to send me some through the mail...it's not going to happen. I may look into it the next time I'm at the Chinese market though.

Speaking of which, a new one opened! I should take a look next time I want some milk tea... It'll all hinge on having someone give me a ride though; I really, really hate more than ever the lack of car and associated mobility. The little taste over spring break was only a reminder (a taunt). I could walk around more, I suppose, but it seems so inefficient...

Anyway, the milk tea is freshly made and entirely genuine and utterly delicious. I support this habit: I can, at best, make it weekly.

I am doing my best to keep my spending in line especially recently since I am going to be spending a lot in New York with L&L. Let's be frugal where we can, yeah, Mei?

Now if only I generate this kind of interest in food in my seminar paper. It's killing me slowly, how much I hate writing it. How much I hate writing. Such is law school: sapping all creative energies and destroying all things once found pleasurable.

a successful return from spring break

First day back from break was tough, probably understandably so. It was also ridiculously long - I got to school at 9 this morning and worked on my seminar paper research then had lunch and Korean class. Afterwards I sorted out the details of Operation Babylift, went to Trademarks, did more work on seminar paper research, and finally met with L to do dinner at Ibby's with the panelists. L and I were there early so we played a game of "guess if those people are part of our party" because I had never met and thus didn't recognize any of the panelists I was supposed to meet for our reservation. We failed the game when a group of them walked past us and were seated before we realized that, actually, yes, they were in our party and we should be introduced and seated as well.

Ibby's was really nice, one of those fancy sit-down places where just reading the menu makes my mouth water. Possibly I'm just craving non-Asian food though. Dinner was good, admittedly a little awkward at times before people settled down in their seats and struck up decent conversation. Tammy, the filmmaker, was very eloquent - very young and quite pretty too. I was more impressed with her eloquence though, and her passion for her film - I'm sure she had to be passionate about the project, considering that it took 4.5 years to complete and she had over 40 hours of film in the end. Apparently the first rough cut was 3.5 hours before she finally cut it down to 73 minutes.

L and I chatted with Tammy's husband about law school and where we grew up and some with Professor A about adoption law and cases, all over delicious (free!) food. I had a salad with mixed lettuce, candied pecans, dried cranberries, blue cheese, and a raspberry vinaigrette - so good. I love sweet salads, I do. And then I had maple-glazed shrimp - I knew I would be ordering that as soon as I saw the menu because I have been craving shrimp for nigh on a month now. Still craving it, in fact - it was a light dinner so our menu included only "small plates" and that translated to "not nearly enough shrimp for Mei".

We trekked over to the law school after dinner, making the most of the light. As much as I ahte losing an hour to go on daylight savings, it really is made up for the fact that we have light much longer into the day. The trade-off for gaining the hour in the fall is offset by darkness at five and an abrupt end to any productivity. S commented that you feel like the day ends when it gets dark, so there goes the night. It's absolutely true. I feel like a heliophilic plant, I swear - I thrive off sunlight and can't operate well without it. The night makes me close to useless.

In any case, we welcomed in the flood of attendees (I was really happy to see how many people turned out) and I did a brief welcome. Professor A introduced Tammy, who introduced her film, and then the lights fell and we got to the movie screening. I really don't know what to say about it except that it was really such a good documentary. Operation Babylift: The Lost Children of Vietnam - I hereby officially recommend it. It is so emotionally impacting; it leaves a strong impression, stirs the levels of human empathy. The panel afterwards was really good too, with a lot of people speaking up to offer their own experiences and stories. I was surprised at how many people who attended the screening had personal connections to intercountry adoption or to the Vietnamese adoptees in particular. Overall, I'd say the event was a success and I'm really pleased that it turned out so well. I'm so happy we got to show the film and had Tammy come. I definitely left feeling emotionally (and mentally) enriched. So even though it went on 'til 9pm meaning I was at school for 12 straight hours - it was worth it. It was a very moving film.

Now to set L on the thank you notes - such few words can mean so much! As proved by the Bursons' gratitude at being invited to an event they so graciously and generously sponsored with their student activities fund. I'll need to include Events Planning in the thank yous, too. It's such a simple thing, a basic courtesy, and it makes me sad that my generation doesn't seem to remember those niceties unless formally reminded or rebuked. Birthday cards, thank you notes, Christmas cards - I hope I never reach a point where I don't make the effort. Some things deserve the personal, tangible touch.

시간이 흘렀어도 나이가 들어도

Assorted and unrelated thoughts, collected:

I do like textbooks with a sense of humor. Also awesome are judges who have a sense of humor and write hilarious court opinions.

I will write you 3 million footnotes in the final draft, I promise. Have no fear at my ability to BS in abundance, at great length, with citations.

It is such a literary turn on when authors really know their stuff and convey it through their storytelling, without infodumping. So much "do want".

I joke about the world ending in 2012 but there's a part of me wishing fervently for it because I don't know what I'll do with my life, what I'll be left with, if it doesn't.

(So Mei totally cries at commercials: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NQaWk_GTNc)

I build my fences high to protect myself, but I've built them so high that you can't see me behind them.

I've never known what it means to "drink someone in with your eyes" until you.



And, to end, a little bit of prose poetry:

This was once a love poem, before its haunches thickened, its breath grew short, before it found itself sitting, perplexed and a little embarrassed, on the fender of a parked car, while many people passed by without turning their heads. It remembers itself dressing as if for a great engagement. It remembers choosing these shoes, this scarf or tie. Once, it drank beer for breakfast, drifted its feet in a river side by side with the feet of another. Once it pretended shyness, then grew truly shy, dropping its head so the hair would fall forward, so the eyes would not be seen. It spoke with passion of history, of art. It was lovely then, this poem. Under its chin, no fold of skin softened. Behind the knees, no pad of yellow fat. What it knew in the morning it still believed at nightfall. An unconjured confidence lifted its eyebrows, its cheeks. The longing has not diminished. Still it understands. It is time to consider a cat, the cultivation of African violets or flowering cactus. Yes, it decides: Many miniature cacti, in blue and red painted pots. When it finds itself disquieted by the pure and unfamiliar silence of its new life, it will touch them—one, then another— with a single finger outstretched like a tiny flame.

—Jane Hirschfield

visual stimulation in exchange for cognitive stimulation

I spent the first weekend of Spring Break being absolutely unproductive in regards to school, which was my goal. I achieved it handily and instead got some shopping done, redyed my hair, read for pleasure, and watched a lot of movies.

So here are some thoughts:

Ponyo on the Cliff: Ponyo was...ridiculously good. It's very Miyazaki, very Japanese, and it has a lot of fantastical elements to it - but it was the brightest and most uplifting Miyazaki film I've ever seen. Ponyo was so cute and strange and endearing; Sosuke was earnest and sweet. The most frightening or dark part of the entire movie had to be the violent tsunami/storm, but it's nothing compared to the darker elements of Spirited Away or Howl's Moving Castle or, god forbid, Princess Mononoke.

A lot of the background art was colored with pencils and it was simply gorgeous. The little details in animation really stood out to me - the way Lisa closed a door with her foot, for example, when her arms are full of groceries. The way Sosuke ran - carefully and awkwardly - when he had a pail full of water in his arms. All the little details were very realistic despite the supernatural elements of the movie, and it was so sweet and innocent and it is currently fighting Howl's Moving Castle as my favorite Miyazaki film. Honestly speaking, I liked it more than I liked Up! The storytelling styles are obviously very different, but I think Ponyo did a better job. While Up! was also fun and moving at parts, I kept comparing it to Finding Nemo and the kind of cohesive storytelling it could have been - but it fell short. Ponyo, being measured on a different scale, still did really well. Imo, of course. But I have a thing for more subtle stories that seem to focus only on one narrow premise (a tiny goldfish princess meets a five-year-old boy and falls in love) but really say much more.

Also, the ending song is too cute for words. I love this movie.

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs: So I only vaguely remember this picture book from my childhood, but I'm pretty sure it did not turn out nearly as cracky as the movie did. The movie is... Okay, so the directors got high, and then they made this movie. That is basically what happened and watching the extra behind-the-scenes bits did not do much to convince me otherwise.

That said, this movie is hysterical. Very, very funny. I laughed out loud so many times throughout the movie.

So it's a lot of fun to watch - Mr. T's character steals the screen every single time he speaks - but it's full of utter over-the-top ridiculousness. But in a very PG way, which is refreshing.

T&T really liked this movie; for me, it was just entertainment. I liked Ponyo better. But I'd recommend watching this for the laughs, regardless - it's not an amazing story or movie by any critical standard, but it is damn funny.

Alice in Wonderland: We watched this in IMAX 3D which, I think, made the movie that much more enjoyable. Without those extra effects, I'd probably be even iffier on the movie than I am. To briefly sum up the movie, it is very quintessential Tim Burton - a little psychedelic, walking the edge of dark and crazy with an endearing edge. Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham-Carter are great, doing their best at their best typecast roles. It'd be impossible not to recognize their style. They were excellent and fully immersed in their respective characters. Alan Rickman was delicious - or at least his voice, was.

Somewhat surprisingly, I really enjoyed Anne Hathaway's White Queen - she had a fun, human edge of exasperation to her ethereal, good, fairy-princess role. Whoever wrote that in, I approve of it. I connected with (and liked) her character far better than I did with Alice, whose lines came off a bit rote and recited and the emotion behind the words somewhat lacking.

Story-wise, I did like the fact that it was a sequel of sorts to the original Alice, but there were a lot of tropes that I felt could have been better handled: They came off a little too trite and, rather than transforming the cliché, the movie seemed burdened by them.

But, oh, the costuming and the sets were gorgeous. Oh art. Such lovely visuals made up a lot for the lack of deft storytelling (I kept thinking it would have been better off as a book, but that is always assuming that the author of a book is also writing with a deft touch - something that is not always guaranteed in today's mass publishing...).

I'd still recommend watching it, but in IMAX or 3D or both, if possible. The visual effects are necessary to really enjoy this movie. Plus, Cheshire. Now that's an unforgettable smile.



One day I will actually find the time to sit down and meta on other facets of life. This blogging thing, I am growing more and more abysmal at it...